Autochron

OK. Here goes. Thought this forum might be the place for this. I'm undergoing some counseling for this issue, but this forum seems awesome and I thought I'd bounce this issue off you people, see what you said.

I'm a 24-year-old male that is scared of sex.

It seems that, at 24, I have the sociosexual instincts of a 12-year-old. I'm technically not a virgin (lost it 3 years ago with the only person I've ever dated... I got away with that because we met through the Internet, she made all the first moves, I wasn't physically attracted to her, and we eventually broke up half a year later) but pretty close. I would never think to let someone know that I was sexually interested in them, ever. It just seems wrong to me.

Some of this, I think, comes from my background (what they call an "abuse history"), some from being painfully shy and not having peers with whom I could discuss sex (or even hear about it -- I got my sexual knowledge from medical books, and later porn), some of it from a persistent anxiety disorder.

The main issue is as follows:

If I feel or think so-called "dirty" things regarding someone of the female persuasion, and she happens to pick up on that (through conversational clues or whatever), I seem to feel that it would disgust her, and she would no longer want anything to do with me. In fact, _I_ disgust me when I feel or think these things.

Intellectually, I know this is bullshit, but it still feels very real to me. I do realize that if I'm attracted to someone, sexual thoughts and feelings are just part of the package -- but that doesn't mean I have to accept it.

Unfortunately, it seems to interfere with my ability to get a date , as I don't want to let on that I'm attracted to someone. So I end up feeling very lonely and depressed, to the point of attempting suicide 3 and a half years ago, although I won't do _that_ ever again.

As I said, I've been in counseling for more than a couple of years about it, and my counselor is considering recommending me for sex therapy, although out of the rubric of couple therapy I'm not sure what can usefully be done.

Just wanted to see how you people would respond to this. Thank Kibo for the Internet, where anonymity is (largely) preserved.

I just happen to like talking about this 'cause it feels like I'm doing something about it

Thanks for reading!

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I've been given the mushroom treatment -- kept in the dark and fed sh*t.

maleficent

:applauds:

Thanks for writing it.

Kudos on your courage for admitting that you have a problem, and double kudos for getting help with your problem. I do hope that it is getting you some comfort and relief -- ummm-- bad choice of words... I meant that in a positve sense. I hope that someday soon, that you will be able to have the type of relationship that you want.

Our childhoods affect the adults we grow into, you had a not easy one, but you are working on changing that... Good for you. The right woman will come along for you someday, and with patience, and love and trust, I'd think that your fears would just evaporate.

Much luck to you.

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water_boy1999

Autochron, you have come to the right place. I am in no means a sex therapist, but I have had the same feelings as you have had, but they were a long time ago. I used to be really down on myself. I had to see a counselor, was suicidal at a very early age, would openly admit that I hated myself and the way I looked. Those days are well beyond me now. Not saying this is what is going on with you, but I didn't know what self esteem was because I was never taught it by my dad or older brother. I had to get into sports to figure it out for myself. I learned by myself that I had to take care of myself to make me presentable to the opposite sex as well. This is not just primping and prepping for the ladies, but more of a sense of taking care of your mental attitude too. Being shy is one thing. You can be shy and still have a sense that you are sexually attracted to someone out there. Shallow women will like you for your exterior. They will see the clothes you buy, smell the cologne you wear, see the car you drive.....the women you want are the ones who look beyond that and find the strength of character in a man, the integrity they hold, and their sense of responsibility. What it bopils down to is that if you are strong mentally, you feel good about who you are, then this will shine through to the opposite sex. Once the confidence starts to gain some speed, the rest of it will all fall into place. Even though this might not directly apply to you, I speak from personal experience and it has helped me to look at myself in a whole other light. I wish you the best.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

thebellman

I've gotta agree with everything waterboy had to say but add a little more. My girlfriend had the same problem, sort of, but I think that the solution is in who you find to be your SO. If you find someone who you're comfortable with and you can talk to, hopefully they'll be understanding and they can wait until you're ready.

Autochron

First, thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses. I very much appreciate the time you took to write them.

In response to water_boy1999, I do believe that low self-esteem and lack of confidence are problems that I am contending with, but there is more to it than that, and looking at my post it seems like I didn't make it entirely clear. Not to diminish what you're saying at all, though -- it definitely is something that I need to work on.

Thing is, I know that, although I'm certainly not model caliber, I'm not unattractive either. Rather overweight, but not morbidly so, and I have a cute face I also know that I have a lot of mental and personality attributes that would make me a good partner, especially in a long-term relationship.

The problem that I was meaning to get across was that although I do have some problems with myself _personally_, my difficulty with sexuality seems to go deeper than that to a more general malaise, if you will. I find the idea of _any_ man trying to get into bed with a woman to be quite repulsive, although I can't deny that I myself am attracted to women. For a long time, I simply denied my sexuality anywhere except in my own head, and even that was iffy.

Sordid -- that's the best word for it. Male sexuality seemed excessively sordid.

There were several times in high school and in my early university career that girls and women indicated that they were attracted to me. What was my reaction? To freak out and run away (once literally), because I couldn't believe that they saw _me_ as this sex-crazy "predator" that I assumed all sexually active heterosexual men were. Honestly, I was insulted -- I would have thought they thought better of me than that. I was also freaked out -- I couldn't respond positively because I didn't want to hurt them, and couldn't understand why they seemed to want to hurt themselves -- can you believe that?

As I said before, intellectually I realize that this is bullshit. But it's kind of a complex, if you will. A shame complex. I suppose it comes from mixing up sex and abuse, or some such thing.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to get this off my chest, and this seems like a place where it could be done. I thank you again if you've read this far.

(not sure if anyone's gonna read this thread again now that it's been a couple of days, but what the hell )

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I've been given the mushroom treatment -- kept in the dark and fed sh*t.

powerclown

What do you think about acting out your sexual fantasies with a neutral female: a call girl? As a means of de-sensitizing the issue of sex.

Autochron

A good idea in theory, and one that's been mentioned to me before. Unfortunately, there are two problems with it:

1. It would seem that paying someone for sex would obviate the whole abuse thing... if I'm paying someone, then it's more than possible that they'll pretend to minimize or ignore the trauma I might cause for them in favor of the money, depending on how mcuh they need cash (or repeat business). At least, I know that would go through my head. "Exploitation" (whether you believe that's what it is or not) wouldn't get to the real issue for me.
2. I'm a starving student with no money

Good thought, though. I appreciate it.

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I've been given the mushroom treatment -- kept in the dark and fed sh*t.

powerclown

YOU are going to traumatize a call girl by having sex with her?? How's that work?
Do you have 2 penises by chance??

maleficent

Is the therapist working with you on changing your perception on what sex is and isn't? That it's not dirty or sordid, nice girls do have sex, nice girls who you would be interested in would want to have sex with you, and that isn't any guilt involved. With your history of sexual abuse, it's not a wonder that you feel as you do, I'm not sure you can consciously help it.

You'll get there, it's just going to take the right woman... You just haven't met her yet... but you will... (We like cute faces

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Autochron

powerclown: Good point. I guess I'm not going to be adding any significant new experiences to her repertoire It's just that I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. If one has the feeling that _all_ heterosexual sex would be traumatic to the female partner(s), then even though I'm just another brick in the wall, as it were, it's still something I'd like to avoid. I see your point, though. It may be a step for further on in recovery

maleficent: Thank you again. Indeed, therapy is attempting to reach just that end... and that's why sex therapy was recommended. Honestly, I'm excited about the possibilities there... (no, I meant that in the positive sense too ) Being able to get over this issue would be nice. I do have one little contention -- I'm perfectly aware that nice girls can have sex. That prospect doesn't seem to bother me at all, though it seems a little _excessively_ nice. What does bother me, at least emotionally, is the prospect that nice _guys_ can have sex although I hear that this is generally accepted too.

Well, thank you all for saying what you've said. I think we can all agree that happiness is a thoughtful, encouraging response to a post like this.

Thank you.

(note that I didn't say I _didn't_ have two penises... j/k)

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I've been given the mushroom treatment -- kept in the dark and fed sh*t.

powerclown

If it is something you would like to avoid, why not just avoid it, and be done with the matter? Problem solved, no?

pl32

..........

Autochron

Um, yeah. Come to think of it, I thought I was doing well doing just that. It worked all through high school, and the early part of university -- right up 'til my Valentine's Day suicide attempt, when I realized some truths about myself that couldn't be discarded just because they were inconvenient.

Besides, I'm speaking from an emotional level here. Intellectually, I realize that I _do_ want a sexual relationship, but it's difficult getting over this emotional block.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. I don't think I'm looking for an answer so much as just "venting" and looking for feedback in that manner (who says that only women do this? huh??) rather than a concrete solution, which although it would be nice, really is impossible in this context. Thank you all for your efforts, though.

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I've been given the mushroom treatment -- kept in the dark and fed sh*t.

maleficent

While we're not a substiture for therapy here, read some of the sexually related posts, especially in the Ladies Lounge, we're not traumatized, in fact, we rather enjoy it, and like it when our partner does to.

The only time sex is traumatic is when it's non-consenual, which, I'm sure you are aware of being the victim of abuse, as long as your parter is willing... and she'd be willing, it's all good... If you can get over that hurdle, you're home free...

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powerclown

Of course...
Best of luck, man.

The devil you know is worse than the devil you don't.
-Anon
(But, it doesn't have to be)