RelaX

[Long kindof sappy life story]

August 19th at 6 am my time, my American baby will be landing at Schiphol airport and after 4 years of chatting, camming and writing, her and me will meet in person and will go on vacation for 11 days.

I've shared a lot with this girl. A lot of good times (::smiles thinking about summers spent chatting with her, sometimes for up to 7 hours: and bad times (her parents moving from place to place, me getting RSI from spending so much time behind a comp ) and halfway through those 4 years, we became best friends. A year later we started to feel even more for eachother. A month or so ago I asked her ("eventhough it's stupid and moronic") if she wanted to call me her boyfriend. And she said yes .

We are going to stay in 3 places, first in Amsterdam, then in Vlissingen (my hometown) then in Paris and finally we spend the last couple of days in Amsterdam.

But I am scared. So scared.

See me and her are both pretty inexperianced. Both with love and with sex. Neither of us have had a relationship before and almost no experiance with sex (she's been with 3 guys although none of it really ideal, or so she says).
And we really love eachother.

But I am scared. I am scared because I've never been in a relationship before. And because as much as I want to see her and hold her in RL(tm), all of it is new territory... and I really don't want to screw this up.

Also, as much as I can speak online and be witty and at ease, RL is much different... I suffer from minor social anxiety and bouts of depression that make it so that my voice jumps around and it's hard for me to be the person I want to be.

Now she knows about all this and she accepts it. I get the feeling that she genuinely loves me for ME. Which makes me adore her even more. BUT...

[/Long kindof sappy life story]

How can I keep my fear in check?
I don't want it to rule me and make me act like somebody I'm not.

And more specific, when it comes to love/sex, is there anything anyone can tell me to prepare myself from feeling this horrible fear of "OMG! I'm goanna sleep with a girl, but I've never done this before... what if I screw up?"

Oh, and on a related note, know anything (specific) fun to do for two shy people who are in love and have just met in Amsterdam and Paris?

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

repeater

Just relax. It's the most obvious advice anyone can give you, but it's the best. Don't worry about trying to make her laugh non stop, of course there are going to be periods of silence, but if you really love her, and she really loves you, they won't matter. If you're in love than everything works out. Be yourself, remind yourself that she's already your best friend/girlfriend.

Don't worry about screwing things up. As long as you've treated her the same way you've treated her before (I'm hoping with nothing but respect and love) than you really have nothing to worry about.

As for sex, don't be so worried. No one is going to be amazing their first time, and the first time with anyone is always going to have a bit of awkwardness to it. Just have fun, be giving, and don't worry if there aren't fireworks the first time. Just keep practicing.

Also, if you guys can't find fun things to do in Paris (the most romantic city on earth), then nothing anyone says here will help.

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-Raoul Duke

maleficent

Congratulations!
That's so wonderful....

First off, relax, be yourself, it's you that she's fallen in love with, so just be that person. She's probably just as nervous about meeting you.

it's exciting.... You won't screw up.

Horrible fear of sleeping with someone for the first time? Oh sweetie, it's not horrible, it should be a wonderful moment for you .. and something you'll remember. To be perfectly honest, and not to scare you or anything, but the first time is rarely spectacular, you might not see the rocket's red glare and all -- but it will be memorable. Just pay attention to her, and let nature take it's course (and use protection)

Paris? City of lights, it's a romantic city.. you will be so into each other, all the sites, won't matter...

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Trisk

If you guys are in a mutual state of inexperience, you probably won't have to worry that much about screwing up. Everything will be new to her too. She knows and understands this and she's probably just as nervous about it as you are. Just remind yourself of this. Maybe knowing that she's just as nervous as you are will help calm you down a bit.

Since you know each other so well from talking on the internet, you shouldn't try too hard to be witty and funny and stuff. Just be yourself. I know it sounds stupid and typical...but you already sort of have her "hooked"....so the rules are a bit different here than they normally are the first time you meet a girl.

Mantus

RelaX, that is wonderful.

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. Most importantly remember that she is feeling all the same things. Just don’t focus on all these negative thoughts that come to you. You are about to have your first serious relationship, that’s supposed to be something to cheer about. With a girl who is a good friend and is likely falling in love with you no less. That’s more then most people start with. You will do fine.

Have a wonderful time!

Halx

I'll tell you this now and just think about it for a while.

Try to imagine what you're gonna be doing in 5 years. Imagine her with you and imagine the life that you'll build together. Don't think about what you're gonna do when you see her, just think about what you're gonna be doing several years down the road. You should be comfortable with it all.. just accept that this girl is gonna be a part of your life. Make sure it's calm and positive.

Anxiety comes from anticipating the near future. You're wrapped up in anticipation and as your anxiety level increases, your ability to perform decreases. If you get too scared, you'll be frozen. The method described above is one way to train yourself out of anxiety. Before you meet her, just sit back, close your eyes and just imagine the happy life that you're gonna lead.

The secondary approach is to simply have some alcohol. Not a lot.. don't get drunk. Just have a drink or two (whever it takes you) to get loose. Alcohol lowers your anxiety curve and will make you a little less witty, a little more daring, but it keeps you moving through situations where you may normally be frozen.

The other consolation that I can give you is this: Let your emotions show. Not only do girls love that, but it's a lot easier than talking your way through a situation. Your girl doesn't need to hear something funny when she steps off the plane, she wants to see you and it's only sweeter when you're just as overcome with emotion as she is.

Now, as far as performing in the PHYSICAL sense, I can't help you with controlling your own body. All you can do is have a sense of humor about it. If the time comes and you're too nervous to get it up, don't fuckin' worry. Just grin at yourself and know that you're experiencing something that every guy experiences. It has nothing to do with not being turned on. It's simply a human survival function that means you're way too anxious for your brain to even consider anything important enough to give creedence to over your 'fight or flight' instinct.

When you get past that, or if that's not even a factor, don't worry about being the world's greatest lover. Some things will take care of themselves. If you are calm and collected as you put your hands on her body, her feelings for you will control her reactions and it will have very little to do with what you're actually doing. As it goes on, you'll get better at what you do and your skill will be able to replace the waning exhilaration of her meeting her lover from across the globe.

And in closing.. what the fuck are you doing stealing women from the US? We're hard-pressed over here to find quality women without all you damn euros stealin' them from us!

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JStrider

RelaX... you just need to relax ok ok i couldnt resist that...


dont really have anything to say that hasnt been said before... just congrats and have an awesome vacation!

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

Kazic

First off. Awesome to hear. I am personally glad to hear that something like that can actually happen out there. (eurotrip in rl )

anyway just what you heard. relax the only real difference is now there is no screen in front of you. whatever will happen will happen because really you have gotten to know each other without all the other crap that usually gets in the way.

Seriously it will be worth it.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

ruggerp11

That is the longest post I have ever seen from Halx. He is right on every count.

Remeber that this woman knows probably just about everything about you. That happens when you meet and chat online. She knows about your insecruties and inexperience. She knows your nervous and that you don't know what to do. Take solace in the fact that despite all these things that you think are bad (but aren't) she is still coming.

Be your self and follow Halx's suggestions. You'll be amazing.

O, and have fun!


Quick edit: If you dont' normally Drink, I would suggest not drinking at all. Its hard to judge when to stop unless you at least occasionally drink.

Good Luck!

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Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

Aladdin Sane

My wife is Dutch (from Heemskerk) and I am Texan. We had a long distance relationship for 3 years. During that time we saw each other 3 times. On the third time we got marred. That was 16 years ago. I'm not sure why I tell you this. I suppose because we have some things in common.

I lived in Amsterdam for a year, and I've visited there more times than I can count. As a matter of fact, I just got back from Holland two weeks ago, and a spent a few fun days in Amsterdam. Amsterdam is a wonderful city for just walking and exploring. If you like people watching, its the best. Albert Kuyp Market is a fun place. The Vondelpark is a good place to spend some romantic time. Weather permitting, take a blanket and have a picnic. It might be fun to rent a canal bike for a few hours. Do you know where you will be staying? A particular hotel?
I've also spent some time in Paris, but I am not nearly as familiar as with Amsterdam. Paris is also a great city for just walking and exploring. One of my favorite museums there is the Rodin museum. There's a marvelous scupture garden there.

I hope some of this is helpful. As for the rest, just try to relax. Don't feel like you are obligated to have sex. Tell her you are nervous and just be honest and be yourself. You will do great, and I hope you will come back here and give TPF a full report.
Cheers.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

RelaX

Thanks for the replies guys . Made me feel like I was ready to take on the world this morning.

You know, I chose my nick (RelaX) for 2 reasons, 1 was that it's hard to search for it online, thus hard to track, thus providing me with a certain freedom of expression. And the second reason was that people are always telling me to relax. I am quite the worrier.

Thanks for the advice everybody, although I doubt I'll do the alcohol thing too early on (I doubt I'll feel like booze at 6 am) I do plan on taking her out, feeding her drunk and getting boozed up myself, so we'll see eachothers true nature

The future is murky though, I mean, what IF me and her work out? What if we get on as well in RL as we do online? Am I to become an American? Or she a dutch girl? Jury is still out on this one.

I will let you know though.

Aladdin Sane: I will be staying in the 'Bastion Deluxe Centrum Noord' hotel in the beginning and at the 'Mercure Hotel Amsterdam-Sloten' at the end. Know them?
Thank you for your story. It's very comforting to know that I'm not the only one with an American love. Give my regards to your wife, or rather give her the 'groeten'.

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

Dawson70

Good luck.....Just be cool, and let nature do the rest.
If you sense yourself about to say something stupid.........just clamp up.
Seems to work for me. (most of the time)

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"I Finally Finished My Goal....You Can Too!

Yippie Ki Ya...

fallenangel

Yay, this gave me a great warm fuzzy feeling, and helped in part restore my faith in human love I really and truly hope everything goes well for you two, and remember, it wouldn't have gotten this far if there wasn't something so great about it! Put your faith in that, be yourself because that's all you can ask of her as well

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

RelaX

Okay, so I'm finally ready to do this... to write about this faithfull vacation. But before you read on... be warned, not all ends well...
Also, there certain parts were left out as I don't have any problem telling them, but they involve two people...

So she comes and the whole meeting is such an anti-climax. Like I do this every day (just for the record, I don't). Anyway, we go to the hotel, unload our bags and go into Amsterdam. I am nervous as hell and appearantly so is another part of me, because... well... I know know the full meaning of blue balls. I guess it's probably a manifestation of the anxiety or whatever.
We had agreed to meet as friends, but that first day, we kissed and held eachother and halfway through the day we headed back to the hotel as she was tired (and so was I) and we slept in eachothers arms for a while. Woke up to get some dinner in a floating chinese restaurant and went back to the hotel to sleep some more.
Next day we go to the hotel in Vlissingen... my friend picks us up (in a suit), and as he works in the hotel where we are staying, he managed to get us a room with a seaside view. You open the windows and you can hear the sea... very romantic.
That night, I take her barhopping with another good friend of mine, very nice, especially as she gets to drink alcohol while 'only' being 20.
We get back to the hotel late that night, but not after we spent a while on a bench on the beaulevard in front of the hotel, looking at the sea and holding eachother.
Back in the room we discover that my friend at the hotel had gotten us a HUGE fruitbasket and a couple of beers and some bottled water.
After that... well... I am not sure how much she would want me to tell, so I'll talk about me... though that was pretty embarassing... See I had had a lot of beer, not too much to be drunk, but ummm... well... you get the drift, we tried but didn't get far
Next day, we slept late and walked around the city for a while... she called back home and well... we talked and held hands 'n stuff...
That night we ate at my parents, so she got to meet them and we went out with the friend from the hotel and some more friends... although she got tired around 11 pm and we left... also, by this time it was clear that she had gotten a cold from some guy in the plane. But back at the hotel she took some stuff against it and suddenly she was 'feeling a lot better' and she proceded to jump my bones. But again I had had some of the accursed beer and well... we had to resort to other means of jumping eachothers bones.
Next morning is when the shit hit the fan though...
We woke up late and had a lunch with the friends from last night. We walked along the beech and she told me that she wanted to go home. The first couple of times I took it as a joke... I mean, we were having a great vacation (or so I thought). But appearantly she really wanted to go home...
I was heartbroken and well... I hadn't gotten enough sleep, plus I saw something more in her eyes... and I... well... I cried... and eventually she called her mom who told her to stick it out for a while longer (same thing I said) and so she did.
We went to my parents again for dinner and prepared to go to Paris. Again I got little sleep that night...
Next day we headed to Paris, we got there and had dinner in a Pizza Hut at which we ordered in english :P simply because we were both too tired to deal with trying to order something in French.
When we got back, we got some genuine sleep, but not before I had to try to persuade her to stay again...
Next day... I feel a lot better... I go out and get some cards for the metro and a phone card and we went to see the Eiffeltower and some other monument that is right across from it... at the other monument she told me again that she wanted to go home...
We head back to the hotel and she calls home again... says that she doesn't want to leave the hotel any more.
I told her, that I am not goanna stay in the hotel cause I want to see something when we're in Paris plus I want to get some food. She tells me that's fine, would I bring her something if I remember.
So I go see the Arc de Triomph and walk along the Champs de Lysee... none of which I am enjoying... so I head back, find a place with take-away and bring it back... that night we decide that she goes home tomorrow, and so do I.
That night, no beer, not sleepy... finally it kindof goes alright... the last night though...
Next day, she gets a ticket back home I take her to Charles de Gaule (international airport in France) and go back in a shuttle-bus, with my glasses on to conceal the tears that are falling down and the redness of my eyes. Because I know it's over. I saw it in her eyes... her and me... she doesn't feel for me what I feel for her.
I go back, and blow up at a stupid French guy at the hotel front desk when he refuses to speak english but seems to need to know why I want to check out while I have 4 days left and everything is payed for already. I arrange a ticket back home and get a pack of smokes... I had quit a year ago, but between throwing myself in the Seine or huddling up in a corner in the hotel and crying for 4 days or a pack, I chose nicotine. I get home around midnight after which I give the pack to my sis. No need to start the addiction over again over a girl.

Next day I find out through her online journal (which she thought she could hide from me) that she and a friend of hers were more than just friends... which explains her wearing his necklace (explains him giving her a necklace in the first place) instead of mine. And that she had felt she'd 'outgrown' me. Miss home-sick... outgrown me...
We're still friends though, but she did say that she didn't feel for me what I feel for her.

I took what was left of the (already paid for) trip with a good friend and had an okay time... Except for the fact that I am now heartbroken and feel like crying and dying.
Maybe some people were just losers who were meant to be alone huh?

Also, because you are such good people, and you've gotten this far in reading this: the galleries with the vacation pictures.
I don't know if I can keep them up though... I have to pay for my bandwith so I'm afraid if the traffic gets too high I'll have to take them down...

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

maleficent

I am so sorry it didn't work out for you...

Hugs and hands over a big box of ultra soft Kleenex and a Sara Lee Cheesecake... (both are good for a broken heart)

Too bad she couldn't have been honest with you from the beginning...

You are not a loser... Not even close... She doesn't know what she's missing.

Look at the bright side, you got to go to Paris - next time you go, and there will be a next time, it will be with someone who loves and appreciates you as much as you do them.

(it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all)

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Cynthetiq

sorry to hear that it ended up not working out. As I can tell from the first entry, there was some anxiety towards the whole vacation. Sometimes people don't go on real dates for that very reason because the anxiety is just that much, so they just go out for drinks or coffee, maybe even lunch to just test the waters.

Live and learn... and good luck on future endeavors.

(you can use photobucket to host the pictures and there's no cost.)

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Averett

Hey you're not a loser. Sometimes these things just don't work out. It happens. Hopefully you've gained some life experience and you'll find yourself a nice girl. Maybe one more local

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

mb99usa

Sorry to hear things turned out badly RelaX. Find the positives in the experience and take heart in the courage you showed in even embarking on the adventure.

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So, what's your point?

It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

ShaniFaye

Having been in your shoes, I know exactly how you fee....only my guy came to the states all the way from New Zealand, to have it end pretty much the same way TWICE (well except I wanted HIM to go home). Just know that because it ended this way, you are NOT a loser...at least you had the guts to TRY to make it work and at least trying will make you a winner everytime. Just because the two of you didnt "mesh" in person doesnt mean a thing...take the experience....learn what you can from it....use that knowledge in the future....oh and mal is right....the cheesecake will help

oh...and the pictures were very nice!!!!

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Cadwiz

Sorry it didn't turn out for the better. Don't give up, you will eventually find the one for you.

CityOfAngels

Hey, man, I'm sure there are TONS of girls who would melt over a guy who would take them to Paris the first day they actually meet! hehe She seems to be quite immature in that she had the gall to "try you out" to see if you were better than her boyfriend back at home. Forget about her, man. She's not worth the pain, nor the time that you can be using to find someone who is right for you.

koli70

Everything happens for a reason I guess, no one can help how they feel.

*Nikki*

I have loved and lost many times and I know just how heartbroken you are. I can feel it in your words.

I wish the best for you. Everything DOES happen for a reason and you will find out why one day.

I am not just saying this.....you are a very attractive man. That girl is foolish. She doesn't know what she wants in life. You want someone who is on the same page as you are.....you will find her.

The Phenomenon

OOPS -- Just read the rest of the thread

Prince

This story made me sad... It ended all wrong.

She doesn't seem very mature, but maybe that's just me.

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Who is John Galt?

little_tippler

saw those pictures of her and frankly, I don't think you've missed out. She doesn't seem like the most mature person in the world. I mean after 5 years of talking? What was she thinking, AND agreeing to go on holiday with you...that's just not nice.

I think it's a shame but it can work out. I was with my boyfriend for about a week the first time I met him and then he left to England. We did long-distance for a year and it was tough. I know exactly how you felt waiting for her at the airport...like your stomach is doing a double somersault backwards, and then you see them and you don't know whether to smile, or cry... Just keep taking risks and one day you'll be rewarded. No fear. I took the risk and it worked out for me, we live together now. I'm glad he was mature enough to see that what we had was special and should be held on to.

Don't despair, from what I saw you're a good-looking guy yourself, you'll find the right girl.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

RelaX

Thanks everyone for your replies.
As days have past, I've become less and less heartbroken... but seeing a kissing & hugging couple is still somewhat painful. Ugh... women.

It's just the shock of thinking you had 'the one and only'. The one and only who loved me and understood me and whom I loved and could see myself with, for one year. And then meeting her and seeing in her eyes that she feels more for another than she feels for you.
Makes you wanna kill her, only you love her too much for that. Even my friends would not resort to hating her as a sign of loyalty. Bastards. So thank you *Nikki*, little_tippler and Cityofangels among others...
She's still my friend though... eventhough I am the one whos always telling everyone that being friends after having a relationship is not-doable. Ah well... we'll see.

I am getting over her the American way though... by planning for the next . I'm 20 years old, I think it's time for me to finally start playing the dating game.

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

costello

if i can be blunt. it would have ended badly in the end anyway. from what you have been saying she would have pulled this immature shit sometime. i mean what kind of person goes to amsterdam and paris, stays in their hotel the whole time, meanwhile missing out on some of the most beautiful structures and sites in the world!? on top of that calling her parents every waking moment. fuck that man your much to good for that. i can understand if she was 15 or something but not as a 20 year old. gimme a break.

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"They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."

-Almost Famous

Acetylene

Costello totally has a point there. You can actually learn a huge amount about people by how they act while on vacation. Some people waste their special vacation time and you know they will waste everything else good that comes to them, including a wonderful loving sexy dutchman.

I'd say spend some time with your real friends and family for a while to remind yourself how good people treat each other. Oh, and play with Fritz--he's freakin adorable!!!

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There's no justice. There's just us.

FallenAvatar

I am sorry that things did not work out, but in retrospec not everything can work out well. Eventually you will date again and find someone that you can spend a little more time with. Love is out there somewhere it just needs to be found, chear up you'll get there.

shipofshame

All quoted for emphasis.

I know we don't know each other RelaX, but you sound like one hell of an awesome guy. Especially for 20 years old. She doesn't deserve you at all. AT ALL. To me, she sounds totally disrespectful and unappreciative of this incredible gift and opportunity that you gave her. I mean, forget the whole love connection. She didn't even appreciate Paris?! What the fuck, man. You'll find someone a helluva lot better out there and you'll laugh at the memory of this whole fiasco.

The world needs better people like you, RelaX. Just keep doing your thing and it'll all work out for you in the end.

And hey, buddy. Relax a bit, will ya?

little_tippler

well RelaX, if you put it that way, maybe you should check out the Getting Girls 101 thread by Plan9, had a laugh reading it and I think there's something in there for everyone, even girls...lol good luck!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

tomdom

HAHA omg IM FROM NEW ZEALAND!@@!#! we should hook up
oh and im a big fan of that thread its helped me deeply

Dale

All the comments have been good. Pain is part of establishing relationships. Rarely does it click the first time. You get hurt by this girl and that girl and you go on. If you avoid the possible pain nothing happens and you just come up a loser. I know that will not happen with you. You will take the risks. It is absolutely necessary. I have been hurt plenty in my 71 years. It was all worth it.