The Phenomenon

OK. This is prolly better asked in the Ladies Forum, but I am not allowed. I am only really interested in women's responses who have been to the Gyno, so ANYWAY:

My GF has her first Gyno exam coming up VERY SOON. First thing, neither she nor me wants it to be a male doctor. Done thing. A man sticking anything in her is a no no no. And she agrees, she'd prefer it would be a woman, and so would I. So we are looking for a female doctor, where there will be no male participants. Atleast this solves my rabid insecurity problem

Now I have a few questions:

1. What exactly are they going to do?
2. Will it hurt? What will hurt? How much will it hurt?
3. How long will it take?
4. Am I allowed to go in with her for the exam? She does not want to go alone. She is terrified. And bloody hell so am I (although i am not telling her this - no need to make it worse).

Can the wise women of this forum please answer our questions?

brianna

While I also prefer a female doctor (because i feel more comfortable talking to another woman) your concerns about "A man sticking anything in her" are a bit misdirected. this is a doctor not a sexual practice and you should by no means feel threatened or jealous of the situation.

1. http://skelbimas.lt/asirtu/archive_en/gynecology.htm

2. i've never had it hurt though some women do experience some minor discomfort.

3. ~20mins

4. they doctor might be willing to allow you to come along, and while i admire your efforts to support your girlfriend (And encourage her to go to the doctor, good boy!) she might want to consider going in alone so that she can establish a relationship with her doctor. it's important for her to feel comfortable with the doctor and (scary as it may be) she may be more easily able to do this in a one on one situation.

maleficent

First off... It's her decision not yours, and if you think the doctor is going to get off on sticking something in her you really need to get a clue...

I have had a male gyno for years, and prefer it. All you want is a doctor who will listen and understand, that's not something that only women do.

Now I have a few questions:

1. What exactly are they going to do?
Before she gets undressed, since it's her first visit the doctor will talk to her for a little bit, to see where she is, and if she has any questions./
She will be asked is she's sexually active - and what she's done and what birth control she's on. BE HONEST.
2. Will it hurt? What will hurt? How much will it hurt?T
The speclum is a little uncomfortable, and the pap smear is a little uncomfortable. but hurt? No. The speclum is what the doctor inserts to get a view of her inner workings, and makes it easier to access. The speclum can be a little chilly, that's what is uncomfortable, most doctors will warm it up.
her breasts will also be checked for lumps or any signs of tumors, she will also probably be given instruction on how to do self exams.
3. How long will it take?
5 minutes
4. Am I allowed to go in with her for the exam? She does not want to go alone. She is terrified. And bloody hell so am I (although i am not telling her this - no need to make it worse).
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT!! NO NO NO NO NO... The doctor by law must keep everything she says confidential, if her botfriend is standing there, she's not going to be totally honest in her answers - do you really want to know about her menstrual cycle or other things? Does she really want to tell you about that?

There will always be a nurse present. Doctors know this is not awoman's favorite activity - and are sympathetic to that. SHould you go in? NO

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ShaniFaye

I might also suggest you read this thread

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=61821

its in the ladies forum, you can read it you just cant post

to my knowledge (it may vary from state to state) only a guardian can accompany a minor into the doctors office

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The Phenomenon

I know well just about everything about her cycle. I have to go will continue tomorrow.

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Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

xepherys

It's amazing the variance of opinion in this thread so far. It never ceases to amaze me HOW different each of us are.

Having been a guy in your situation before I would say the following:

Male vs. Female Gyno... dude, let her decide. If she wants a female, then great... if she wants a male or doesn't care, it isn't up to you. Gynocologists see dozens of women every day. She doesn't have anything they haven't seen before. *shrug* If you're THAT jealous (i've been there myself, so I speak from experience) your insecurity needs some serious help. Talk with your gf about THAT... honestly!

As for going in with her, that's up to her as well, and then to you. Confidentiality only applies to the doctor doling out info. If you're THERE, it means nothing confidentiality-wise. As for her honesty... I'm shocked females would respond as I've seen. If she can't talk to you about her cycle, there are some communication issues. Things like that are just part of who you are. If it's too "gross" or "embarassing" then one or both of you need to mature a little bit. (No, Phenomenon, I know you didn't say that... just making the point). There's nothing I can't talk about in front of my wife, and nothing as far as I know that she can't in front of me. Health and nature are just part of who we are, male or female...


</rant>

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LondonsBurning

This will definitely come off and sound rude, but frankly I think a male gyno would have seen enough vaginas to quite frankly be sick of it. Put this thought in your head, and imagine being a gyno. You'll run into some not so pleasant looking vagina be it not trimmed well, or some STD infected ones as well. That's not to say that your GF is anything like that of course, but lets be reasonable here and assume that a male gyno has seen enough "ugly" vaginas to be quite objective with his profession. And I'm only mentioning this for the sake of those insecure men out there who don't trust male gynos.

I'm full and well aware that unkept male genitalia isn't pleasant to look or deal with as well. It works both ways for either gender.

LondonsBurning

Not to mention a nurse will present as well. Atleast that's how it is when I go in for my physical and have to do the cough test.

Averett

Also, this isn't about making you comfortable (ie: you wanting to be there, no male gyno's) its about making her comfortable. Just keep that in mind. Your insecurities are going to have to take a back seat here. She'll tell you all about the visit later I'm sure.

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maleficent

There's a difference between husband and boyfriend - maybe there are some questions his girlfriend has - that are quite franky none of his business - -she's not going to ask them if he's there.

It's not the grossness of it or ickiness of it -- it's there info that's personal ...

Maybe there's stuff in her past that the doctor needs to know but the boyfriend doesnt...

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ShaniFaye

I really hoped he was joking in that post about a few things, but I guess he wasnt. A man sticking anything in her is a no no? I hate to be ya'll if ya'll ever get preggie and her FEMALE OB is on vacation when she goes in labor and he fill-in is a man.

It is required by law that a nurse be present in the exam room during the entire examination, sometimes you will even have a 3rd person, an intern there as well. So you can not be assured just because you chose a female gyno that there will be no male participants...I have on many occasions been examined by a male intern while being coached by the GYN.

You are not married to her, whether you two talk about her periods is inconsequential....she deserves that right to privacy, as she is going to be questioned THOROUGHLY about many things, like maleficent said.

I think I will leave my comments with the above....except to ask..how old are you two? And have you had such a severe insecurity issue all your life?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

xepherys

Mal and Shani, I see your point, but people deserve a right to privacy even if they ARE married. My point was only regarding a comfort level between two people.

Like Avarett said... it's about her (as you women out there surely know). Phen man, get a grip. If you had to go to the doctor for a physcial and had the "cough test" done by a female, would you refuse it? Should your gf have to be there or be upset about it?

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Prince

My wife's been to a gyno twice so far, and she hated it both time, more so the most recent time. I gave her a couple of benzodiazepines to help her relax. The LPN that examined her (not a doctor) was a real bitch. I don't remember what she said exactly, but she was rude, and my wife cried in the car on the way home, and I was pretty pissed off.

Hope you have better luck. If you find a good one, stick with 'em.

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Dawson70

As a former Hospital Corpsman (medic) in the Navy, one of my duties while stationed on Parris Island, was to perform GYN exams on female recruits. I can ensure you, with the most sincerity, that no Doctor Male or Female will help you get over the anxiety of the "first visit". All of it is done in a professional manner and usually has a female nurse present in the room. (at least thats how the Navy did it). She will be just fine.
But on the other hand, I understand your concern. Your just being a good partner and no one would hold that against you.

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ShaniFaye

I dont hold him being a good partner against him...but I do hold the "no man is going to stick anything in her no no no" comment against him. Thats a very self centered and domineering kind of statment.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

motdakasha

She is allowed to request female-only, but that's only if that's what she's really comfortable with. She is allowed to have someone hold her hand, if that's what she wants.

Personally, I would recommend you stay out of the office while the OBGYN asks her questions because she might not be 100% honest if you're around. It's her business. Then, if it's what she wants, she can have you come in later for the actual procedures for support.

Nothing should be painful. Time depends on the establishment. (How many doctors are available, how fast the doctors work, how many patients need to be seen for that day, what kind of procedures the patients need to be performed, if you're waiting for a specific doctor, etc.)

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Kazic

Hehe I can't say I don't agree with the women who have posted here. I can only see how old the young man who started this post is.

First off really when you think about this. years later when you guys are not together(parish the thought) she is going to see or perhaps speak with other male doctors. Its really HER choice and as much as I applaud her making you feel included ( sorry I still can't stop laughing.) Its not something that you will really every have a real part of. Unless of course you become an Gyno!

I have had 2 very long serious relationships 2 pregnancy scares due to missed periods. 4 pregnancy tests with the waiting. I can honestly say. Its was still her body and as much as she made me feel involved alot of those changes happen in 1 body. HERS.

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Kazic

Sorry checked your profile are you really 24? if so... DUDE?

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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
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saltfish

Entertain this thought...

What are the odds of having a bi-sexual/lesbian gynocologist?

How would that make you feel?

Honestly people, you really have to remove this element of FEAR from health professionals; fear in itself is unhealthy.

If there was something wrong with my rectum, I would not have a problem with a proctologist opening it up and peering in, it's just a fact of life.

I have a hard time beleive that anyone, ob-gyn included, would just LOVE the job that they do. The physical exam is just a small part of what they're trained to do. Having a problem with going and having these things done is an insecurity that you really need to lose.

What would you rather have: the pain and sterility associated with a cancerous cervix, or the slight discomfort of a pap-smear?

Seriously...

-SF

The Phenomenon

OK first of all I was a little tongue-in-the-cheek, so before everyone jumps on me again I am not little Mr. Prick-for-a-head mkay?

Oh and BTW, this is my fiancee actually, not just my GF. We have been living together for over two years, and been together for longer.

I know there is no sexual connectation and I know its misdirected. It still freaks me out a little. Or am I not allowed to have feelings about this?

As far as the coming along bit, let me make this clear: Not my idea. Hers. She wants me to come along, she wants me to come in with her. If she wants me to stay at home. Fine. If she wants me to be in the waiting room or in the car. Fine. If she wants me in the exam room with her, like she says. Fine as well. This IS about her I do realize that and I will do everything I can to make it as easy and comfortable for HER as I can. This is my only concern. My man-ego is not THAT small

Thanks for your help

First off, I KNOW ITS HER DECISION. And I am going to support her no matter what her decision may be. And I don't think there is anything sexual about, or atleast 90% of me thinks that, but there still is that other part of me thats quite freaked out about it still. Maybe I am a primitive son-of-a-bitch. I don't know, and couldn't care much less at all. As my body is something only she gets to touch and vice versa it is a big deal for us. Maybe I should mention that we were both virgins when we met? Maybe this makes more sense to you then. so please fuckin excuse my filthy untravelled slipper-wearing arse.

If SHE prefers a male gyno, then by all means she can go to a male gyno and I will be supportive of her decision COMPLETELY. But she does not. She's nervous enough as it is, and she wants a female doctor. So by bloody Satan' pink pantaloons we will find her a female doctor. Not because thats my preference, but because its hers. I'm not some chauvenist control freak. I DO NOT HAVE HER LOCKED UP IN A CAGE I SWEAR - HONEST.

And as far as her menstrual cycle goes etc. thats not something she keeps private from me. In fact we don't keep anything private from eachother. I quickly hand wash her clothes when there's been a little too much flow or whatever when she's feeling lousy. I help to keep her comfortable. I throw used pads etc in the garbage for her, I bring and buy her new ones when they are not in reach (And to make you feel better, maleficient, I even let her choose the brand and type and everything!! Aren't I just the greatest? ). The whole thing does not gross me out AT ALL, and she is perfectly open and fine about it with me. Hell I even still do my "duty" while she's in the mood. This is part of her life, so its part of mine now as well. Why? Because I love her. Its that simple. She did not have to share any of this with me, I did not force her, she involved me. If I went for a rectal exam for prostate cancer or whatever then I'd want her with me too.

But I guess this goes to show what happens when you get a little too honest on an internet forum, and admit that you do have insecurities.

I am letting her decide. And no I am not THAT jealous so I will get over whatever she chooses. My insecure bwain will survive!

I realise that its up to her and I am leaving it up to her. I probably was not clear enough about that in my original post. And I agree that if she can't talk to me about her cycle or anything else then there is a communication problem. This is not our second date BTW. There is nothing we can't and don't talk about with eachother. And no, menstruation is not gross at all.

I agree its not about making me comfortable. I was just expressing my discomfort in the post, which in retrospect was a huge mistake. I'll say this again: She wants me to be with her. (I also want to be there with her but thats just not the bloody point.) My insecurities ARE taking the backseat, in fact, they are getting off the bus for this ride.

If there are things that are none of my business - and at this point in our relationship I dont think there is anything in either of our lives that are none of the other's business - she would not ask me with her, now would she? I may not be her husband yet on paper, but we are married in every other sense, and putting it on paper soon. If there really is stuff she does not want me to know, I will respect that and back off. But I think in that case it means we have a problem with our relationship.

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Buk

wow, obsessed a little?

That is quite possibly the longest reply, including quotes I have seen in a LONG time...

Regardless of your relationship with the person in question, girlfriend, fiance, wife, lesbian lover, etc... any phobias you have are going to automatically be transfered onto them. So most likely your fiance is not as afraid as you think, but your fears only magnify her own fears even further. Be a man and be supportive, she could have an infection that could lead to infertility, a physical deformity, that you would want a doctor to detect early...

And if she wants something she tells someone, especially a doctor of any kind to remain confidential you need to be mature and respect that, not freak out abou how you have "relationship problems".

My reccomendation to you would be to buy some relationship books, seek therapy and take a look in the mirror. If this girl marries you in your current state it will not be a long, happy or fullfilling marriage...

The Phenomenon

Eh eh Neh. I dont think so. I will be mature and respect her wishes. I did not make that clear?

Buk

Nope, what you are saying is, 'I'll pretend to respect that, but secretly I'll suspect she is banging other guys on the side or something else...'

The Phenomenon

Thats IS NOT what I am saying. Not in anyway.

Nancy

ugh sorry to hear about your wife's experience there Prince

Anyway - my first gyno was a male and probably the best in the whole damn world. I couldn't feel a thing when he performed the examination which was impressive as hell. But since I had to move to another city in order to study I had to change to another gyno as well. meh. I've had 3 different so far and every time the examination has been well... unpleasant doesn't even describe it fully.. and painful as well. So if you find a female/male gyno that is good then stick with him/her like Prince said! And make your wife insist that he/she does the examination on her every time!

If she's unlucky and finds a bad one then please encourage her to try another gyno the next time until she finds one that's good. There's not need for her to endure a bad gyno

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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

saltfish

Do you know whats funny?

Ask your mother/grandmother if they had a choice between a male/female gyno. I'll bet you 99 times out of a hundred, they didn't have a choice.

If something needs to be done, do it.

There are going to be hundreds of thousands of things that you will not want to do in your life, though, you will do them because they need to be done.

I had this converstaion with my fiancee, when we first met; She wanted to go on birth control, but didn't wan to see the gyno. She didn't want a male doctor, she didn't want a female doctor. I reasoned with her that it just needed to be done, and what is there to be worried about? It's quick, and it's done to insure that all is well. ...and if you think that some guy is going to get off on your exam, well, peh, get your mind out of the gutter.

Needless to say, she made an appointment right after lunch that day.

-SF

The Phenomenon

If we cannot find a female doctor we will have to settle for a male one and then it would be fine.

Its a preference.

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Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

denim

Still, listen to the women here. They know stuff about this. Sitting in the waiting room won't kill you, and she might appreciate that later. BTDT, etcetera.

OTOH, went in with a (married!) female friend once when she went in for a checkup (not a GYN checkup) and was kinda startled by the questions they get which we, as guys, wouldn't think of. They be the women, with parts we don't have. Leave it be. Go in next time if she wants, maybe. Remember that she doesn't know what kind of questions she'll be asked either. Or let her know ahead of time that you're okay with leaving if she decides she wants you to before or during the exam.

My Dad used to be an OB/GYN. He switched specialty to become a shrink. That should give you an idea of how some doctors "see" this.

Captain Nemo

How in the hell has she never been to an OB/GYN before?

I mean seriously, she'd your fiance and you have lived together for over two years. I hope to hell that there has been some form of sexual interaction. How could she have never have gone before.

This baffles me....

Averett

I'm 26 and I've never been. Why? I don't know. Just haven't. I'll go soon... Just another thing I've put off.

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theusername

Come on Ladies take it easy on the guy he's only seeking advice and he has just been ripped apart in this thread.

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Redgirl

OK- back to your orginal question. I go to Planned Parenthood and a female nurse does the exam. I never get the same one twice so if sometimes I get a bad one it was just my dumb luck.

I have had a student/intern chick before and she was kinda painful when she did the scrap for the PAP test. But usually the nurses are pretty good and will talk to you about nonsensical things while they're doing it to take your mind off it.

I think the first few times I went, my mom came with me (I was 16 & 17). When my husband was in med school I let him come in once and watch purely for practical purposes. Otherwise I prefer being by myself, but I wasn't ever that nervous about it.

One good thing about you going in with her would be to help her recall what the Dr says. If she's really nervous she might not remember clearly what happened or was said and you could help her with that.

There's absolutely no reason to be scared whatsoever, for either of you! And you should encourage her to go every year. The Dr will probably tell her that too.

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The Phenomenon

Thanks Redgirl. We talked some more about it last night and we are looking at all the doctors in our area (there is quite a lot of them).

She still wants me to go with her, but I did make it clear that I'd leave whenever she wants me to.

__________________
Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

Nancy

me too! When a woman becomes sexually active or start taking the pill she should see a gyno once every year. They check for sexual diseases, cancer in the abdominal (or at least they do in Denmark) and if the pill has caused some sort of side effect/ilness like cancer. That's why it's very important that a woman see a gyno at least once a year

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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

stingc

A question from an ignorant male: Is female anatomy really that unreliable? It seems to me that unless going on the pill, seeing the gyno so often at a young age isn't really necessary. Are female cancers really common compared to all the other types that nobody ever bothers to check for until they're old (or ever)?

maleficent

Ovarian cancer is pretty common and can strike at a very young age. Other problems like Endometreosis and Fibromyalgia if not treated can lead to infertility and other problems if not treated early -- that strikes women in late teens early 20s -- and most chalk it up to -- oh the cramps were really bad.

When a woman becomes sexually active, there are also STDs that may not manifest themselves with symptoms until later stages,w hen it becomes problematic (and leads to infertility and other things) if caught early, by Pap smears, it can be treated.

Breast cancer can strike women at any age, but mammograms (and now MRIs) are strongly suggested for women at age 40. The doctor will check for lumps - -while women are supposed to do self -exams every month, most, do not, or aren't sure of what they are looking for, the doctor knows and at worst, you are getting a yearly exam.

So, yes, going to the gynocologist once a year is a good thing to do, because you never know..

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ShaniFaye

My cousin had ovarian cancer and had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 23.

its just my opinion, but I think girls should be seeing a gyn by the age of 18 whether they are sexually active or not.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

thubpt

Alright - I know this isn't the argument, but I just had to say a quick "hell yeah"!

Now, my two bits - In my experience, actually, I've always had more sympathy from male gynos. There have been several times that I've been in the doctor's office for severe pain, and the female gynos I've seen have just been rather mean towards me. I'm not by any means discounting female gynos, I'm just saying I've not had many good experiences with them. But . . . meh, maybe next time will be better.

As far as the pain goes, it's variable, man. Have her take a couple tylenols or ibuprofen before hand, and give her lots of love and reassurance. Wait for her in the waiting room, and pamper her a bit afterward. It might not phase her one bit. It just all depends on the person And kudos for being a caring SO.

And as far as all you young ones not going to the gyno - GO GO GO!!! Seriously, not to scare you, but there are all sorts of things that they check for that symptoms just don't show up until later stages.

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la petite moi

Personally, I don't think your girlfriend/fiancee should be afraid of a little probing- thus, you should not be by her side when she is talking to the doctor.

I can understand her phobia with men doctors- I'm the same way. It's nerve wracking, but she and you both know that the doctors have seen mmmaaannnyyy vaginas before and will not think of your fiancee in a sexual manner. That being said, she can easily find a woman doctor. Each gynocologist has their goods and bads though.