Different women = different sex? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Prince · 07-07-2004, 03:20 AM

This may be one of those questions that doesn't really have a good answer...but I feel like I really want to ask, anyway.

I'm 27, and have been happily married for a year. Thing is, I've only ever had sexual relations with one woman - my wife - and at times this bothers me a bit. And I don't really know why...perhaps because when it comes to sex, she isn't as interested in experimentation and, well, lewdness. So now and again I find myself almost wishing I had had more sexual experience prior to finding her and marrying her, just so I would not feel...meh, I don't really know how to describe it. I mean, I love my wife more than anything or anyone. This isn't about love, it's about sex.

Sometimes, maybe because I'm a selfish, dumb male, I don't really want to make love... I just want to fuck. I just want to pull her panties down, press her against the kitchen table, and shove it in. Or just have her unzip my pants out of the blue and suck me dry. I'd satisfy her even if I weren't in the mood, but she's always said she wouldn't feel comfortable just simply giving me a blowjob or something unless she got off too...because she would feel "used". This type of spontaneous nookie isn't her thing, never has been, and I don't see her ever even considering allowing it to happen. She wants the whole deal... sweet nothings, slow lead-up, you know the drill. And most of the time, I enjoy that immensely, too, but then there are times when I wish I could just jump into action, so to speak.

This didn't use to be an issue, but with the both of us working crazy schedules now, we don't have much time, or energy, for sexual encounters that require a lot of "pre-heating". She seems happy with it, having sex once a week (which is what it's down to now). But I'm not... To make matters worse, I get off from work in the early afternoon, she gets off later in the evening, and oftentimes I will end up feeling like I'd actually prefer to just jack off in the afternoon right after work, get that instant, quick relief that I need and have energy for, rather than wait for hours for something that either won't be happening anyway, or I won't have energy for.

All this obviously renders me selfish, a typical heartless bastard of a man, and ya know what, I'm fine with that. I'm too exhausted emotionally to really care... The thing is, that this trend in my sex life has left me wondering, more often than not, whether this is what sex life is like when you get close to 30 and are married and whatnot. I guess my question, the one that follows, is directed mainly to male members of the forums, because they are more likely to be able to relate. How different IS sex with different women? Have you ever had sexual encounters with women that enjoy sporadic quickies?

I'm not interested in sex with other women. Ok, let me be more specific... I live in a college town, and see some fine pieces of ass all the time, and I may go like "oooh man, I'd luvta...", but that's as far as it'll go. Period. I guess deep down I am hoping that someone will tell me that this is what sex life is, always has been, will be and should be about, and I am not missing out on anything.

Hell, I'll make a poll for this as well...just for shits 'n giggles.

Holo · 07-07-2004, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Prince
This may be one of those questions that doesn't really have a good answer...but I feel like I really want to ask, anyway.

I'm 27, and have been happily married for a year. Thing is, I've only ever had sexual relations with one woman - my wife - and at times this bothers me a bit. And I don't really know why...perhaps because when it comes to sex, she isn't as interested in experimentation and, well, lewdness. So now and again I find myself almost wishing I had had more sexual experience prior to finding her and marrying her, just so I would not feel...meh, I don't really know how to describe it. I mean, I love my wife more than anything or anyone. This isn't about love, it's about sex.

Gettting the 7 year itch 6 years early huh? I'm not trying to browbeat you but you probably should have tried out more women before you made a long term commitment. However, you made the commitment and you do love her so you gotta work with what you have.

Sometimes, maybe because I'm a selfish, dumb male, I don't really want to make love... I just want to fuck. I just want to pull her panties down, press her against the kitchen table, and shove it in. Or just have her unzip my pants out of the blue and suck me dry.

You're not stupid or selfish at all-just a male. Don't feel bad for any of your feelings. Your kind of sex is no problem on occasion, and in fact can give your sex life a bit of zip where it can become humdrum in a marriage. I personally like foreplay more than she does, but I definitely wouldn't be adverse to a quick fuck/suck in various locations. Men and women differ greatly most of the time on this. She's fairly typical as females go.

I'd satisfy her even if I weren't in the mood, but she's always said she wouldn't feel comfortable just simply giving me a blowjob or something unless she got off too...because she would feel "used". This type of spontaneous nookie isn't her thing, never has been, and I don't see her ever even considering allowing it to happen.

Read the underlined words over and over. She was never the sexually adventurous sort; you knew that going in. You'll just have to either accept that she isn't gonna change to please you or perhaps tell her these things are your fantasies and you wouldn't mind indulging in them with her once in a while.

She wants the whole deal... sweet nothings, slow lead-up, you know the drill. And most of the time, I enjoy that immensely, too, but then there are times when I wish I could just jump into action, so to speak.

Again, your feelings are not wrong. In a perfect world you would get the most compatible sex partner, but you fell in love with someone who isn't your exact sexual match. Again you should talk with her about your feelings, but please DO NOT HOUND HER. It NEVER works!!!! Just make it known that you would like a little adventure now and then and let her take the initiative, if she does at all. If she doesn't you will either have to accept it or perhaps separate down the road if you can't accept a banal sex life.

This didn't use to be an issue, but with the both of us working crazy schedules now, we don't have much time, or energy, for sexual encounters that require a lot of "pre-heating". She seems happy with it, having sex once a week (which is what it's down to now). But I'm not... To make matters worse, I get off from work in the early afternoon, she gets off later in the evening, and oftentimes I will end up feeling like I'd actually prefer to just jack off in the afternoon right after work, get that instant, quick relief that I need and have energy for, rather than wait for hours for something that either won't be happening anyway, or I won't have energy for.

Man we need to go bowling or something....you just described my life pretty well. Feel good it's once a week...mine is down to maybe once every 3-6 weeks now when it was 4x a week at start. Ppl change for a myriad of reasons, and for many women (NOT ALL) a commitment is sexual shutdown time. I'm not trying to scare you, just saying it could be worse than you think it is now. If you need a jerk, then do it! Some women will never understand a man's needs or be willing enough to keep them satisfied. I'm not knocking your wife at all, just saying that many typical women put sex on the back burner once a serious commitment is made.

All this obviously renders me selfish, a typical heartless bastard of a man, and ya know what, I'm fine with that. I'm too exhausted emotionally to really care... The thing is, that this trend in my sex life has left me wondering, more often than not, whether this is what sex life is like when you get close to 30 and are married and whatnot.

It is when you marry someone who isn't very sexually compatible with you. You married for love, but you got the short end of the sexual stick. It happens a LOT in marriages. And being selfish is just as normal as your malle sex drive. Sex is about all the things she gets out of it, but it is also about fulfillment, especially for males. Don't apologize for being male, especially to her. If you make this a sexist issue, you have already lost.

I guess my question, the one that follows, is directed mainly to male members of the forums, because they are more likely to be able to relate. How different IS sex with different women? Have you ever had sexual encounters with women that enjoy sporadic quickies?

Yes, women can be as different as snowflakes sexually. I'll be honest and say I've fooled around with maybe 5 women in my life total, and not all have been full on sex. But each was different. Some better, some worse, some just different. My current gf is easily twice as good in bed as my ex, it's just getting her interested now. Women vary greatly in sexual desire and prowess. Just listen to some of the female TFPers...some them sound like sex crazed perverts (that's a good thing ladies) but many, and I mean the majority, of women stick sex on the back burner in a serious long term commitment. Many women (again not all) have great sex with a man until the newness wears off or they think they "got you". I call this the Expired Warranty Syndrome.

I'm not interested in sex with other women. Ok, let me be more specific... I live in a college town, and see some fine pieces of ass all the time, and I may go like "oooh man, I'd luvta...", but that's as far as it'll go. Period. I guess deep down I am hoping that someone will tell me that this is what sex life is, always has been, will be and should be about, and I am not missing out on anything.

I'm sorry man I won't lie to you. Before my gf's warranty expired she was the best sex partner I have ever had. I honestly did not jerk off or look at other women she kept me so satisfied during that glorious 6 month period. It slowly tapered off over the years and now it's a husk of what it once was, but I still have the same sex drive. Do what I do- make plans to have sex alone. After a while it can be rewarding to take the time for yourself and it can fulfill the basic sexual drive, if not the emotional component you can get from sex with your wife. You fell for someone who was never sexually adventurous, so you can't expect her to just become your personal sexpot overnight. If she cares abotu your needs shell indulge you on occasion. If not, you have to ask yourself if you love her enough to give up all that could have been or not. I'm not saying to leave her, but I'm not gonna sit here and flower over everything either. It may never get better. In fact, it may get worse as time goes on. It really all depends on her. I would highly recommend reading this as well:

Why your wife won't have sex with you.

And finally , good luck.

Bentley Little · 07-07-2004, 05:57 AM

Hey, your girl is the way she is, and you shouldn't try and change her. But you are totally normal in thinking what you think. I have a good girl for the most part too, but I am slowly " working her over" in a way so that she becomes more comfortable with the kinky things I like. Yes, sex with diff. women is diff. That is the way it is. But when it comes to sex, people are often who they are and unwilling to change because when people don't like a certain sex act (say anal) it is very hard to just get them up to trying it. But, that notwithstanding, each partner should learn how to please the other, sex is not a selfish act, unless you are masturbating, and taking joy in pleasing the other means maybe doing things one isn't entirely enjoying, but when it makes the other person uncomfortable, then it should not happen.

So what I am saying is that there has to be some middle ground, maybe you can just explain to her how you are feeling and tell her that you do all that "warming up" for her, and this pleases you but mainly it is for her. You could say that the street goes both ways and maybe sometimes a quickie would be enjoyable for you. If she is not willing to compromise, it is not because the act itself may disgust her (like anal to some women) rather she is unwilling to compromise and please you yet you are willing to do for her.

That is my 2 cents.

primal · 07-07-2004, 01:46 PM

I don't think most women understand the male sexual drive. They just don't understand how a spontaneous blowjob can change a ho-drum day into a great one. They don't realise how wounded we can be when they deny us sex. I really think that if they could understand that then there would be a lot more happy guys walking around.

All you can do is talk to her. try to convince her how much sex means to you. You shouldn't try to make her have sex when she doesn't want to, but I don't think that a blowjob or handjob should be out of the question. I think her feelings of being used can be overcome with good communication from you. If you convince her to give you a blowjob, try snuggling afterward and spending some quality time with her. Tell her how good she makes you feel.

Also you shouldn't beat yourself up about how you feel. We all feel that way to a certain degree. Even if you had sex with 500 women before you got married you'd still wonder what it would be like with that hot new chick at work. Just don't let yourself become fixated with such thoughts.

ratbastid · 07-07-2004, 05:18 PM

You know, you sort of talk about it as if she wanted you to be dissatisfied. That's nuts; she married you, she loves you. She obviously doesn't want you dissatisfied.

You should talk to her and let her know how things are for you. Don't try to talk her into anything--you've probably already been trying that, and learned it doesn't work.

timalkin · 07-07-2004, 06:43 PM

You should be glad that you found someone who wanted to marry you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A lot of people would kill to be in your position.

waltert · 07-07-2004, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by timalkin
You should be glad that you found someone who wanted to marry you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A lot of people would kill to be in your position.

thats a rather bizarre statement.

either way, I think that trying to tell your wife how you feel (in a very nice way, you've been with her for a long enough, you should know how to talk to her) is probably the best route.
here's a random suggestion, try letting her "use" you sexually sometime (maybe perform oral on her). I've only been with one girl, and we seem to be a great fit in the sex category, so there isnt really alot that I can tell you other than what I have.

Good luck, and be nice to her.

Nancy · 07-08-2004, 03:42 AM

I think that a quicky is a must for every sexual relationship to spice it up (especially in a long term marriage) otherwise it'll end up being the same old too quickly.

"This type of spontaneous nookie isn't her thing...because she would feel "used"" does that really mean that she's never tried anything sopntaneous at all? Not even once? My point is how will she know how to feel about if if she hasn't even tried?

of course we all have a certain idea that this and that will probably make me feel like so and so but most of the time we will be surprised by our positive reaction once we've tried it.

Anxst · 07-08-2004, 04:41 AM

You might want to look at finding a way of telling her how you feel that brings it across without upsetting her. I did that with my wife, and she became more interested in occasionally doing a little something to surprise me and fulfill my sexual needs, just like I try and go out of my way to fulfill hers.

Oftentimes we will meet each other halfway.

It's all about communication. A breakdown in communication is the bane of all marriages.

Rand007 · 07-08-2004, 06:20 AM

I was in a situation very very similar to you that is at the moment on the verge of ending and I have very little hope of saving it. My wife is the only woman I've ever been with, she had very similar attitudes toward sexuality as you're describing in your wife, many of them shaped because of issues from her past. She did not see sexuality as a necessary part of building intimacy in a relationship, she saw it as secondary and the only time when we should be intimate would be when everything else in the relationship was perfect or near perfect. This resulted in long periods between sex for us and in her turning me down over and over again. This caused me to begin closing down and to begin to lack desire for her sexually as a means to survive. We both have and still do love each other very much, but this conflict has brought us to the point where we are now in the process of divorce.

I see sex as one of the primary means of building that intimacy and one of the major ways that I feel love. She began to get over her negative view on sex toward the end but we still have not been able to figure things out (because of many of my mistakes). My relationship with my wife has been almost destroyed by very similar issues and one of my major mistakes in it was trying to suppress my feelings and not dealing with the problem early. I can tell you from experience that your need for sexual love and intimacy will not go away and it is not a wrong thing to want. I strongly urge you two to seek both a marriage councelor and a sexual councelor as soon as possible. My wife and I spent years talking about it on our own and we were never able to get things figured out. Do everything you can now to work through this issue, be honest, patient, and loving, but for the sake of your relationship you need to confront this issue.

nowthen · 07-08-2004, 07:22 AM

I have what I would consider perfect sex with my wife, I can honestly say that I feel we are both satisfied in all our desires.

HOWEVER - does that stop me wondering what sex would be like with that cute waitress, or that girl I know who works for my lawyers? Not at all. Go figure.

Not saying you should be satisfied with a less than perfect sex life, but also dont discount the fact that the some people are never happy....

BoCo · 07-08-2004, 08:12 AM

The sex is different. The knife through your heart is the same.

highthief · 07-08-2004, 01:53 PM

Definitely substantial differences I find from woman to woman. While my wife and I have been together for 8 years now, I still have fond recollections of the time before that. Different women feel different, smell different, and act different in bed.

View Poll Results: How much does sex differ from girl to girl?
There's no difference really, it's all the same gravy.	0	0%
It differs/varies a little, but not a whole lot.	6	8.00%
It can be quite a big difference, dude...	49	65.33%
Beats me.	20	26.67%
Voters: 75. You may not vote on this poll

07-07-2004, 03:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	Different women = different sex? This may be one of those questions that doesn't really have a good answer...but I feel like I really want to ask, anyway. I'm 27, and have been happily married for a year. Thing is, I've only ever had sexual relations with one woman - my wife - and at times this bothers me a bit. And I don't really know why...perhaps because when it comes to sex, she isn't as interested in experimentation and, well, lewdness. So now and again I find myself almost wishing I had had more sexual experience prior to finding her and marrying her, just so I would not feel...meh, I don't really know how to describe it. I mean, I love my wife more than anything or anyone. This isn't about love, it's about sex. Sometimes, maybe because I'm a selfish, dumb male, I don't really want to make love... I just want to fuck. I just want to pull her panties down, press her against the kitchen table, and shove it in. Or just have her unzip my pants out of the blue and suck me dry. I'd satisfy her even if I weren't in the mood, but she's always said she wouldn't feel comfortable just simply giving me a blowjob or something unless she got off too...because she would feel "used". This type of spontaneous nookie isn't her thing, never has been, and I don't see her ever even considering allowing it to happen. She wants the whole deal... sweet nothings, slow lead-up, you know the drill. And most of the time, I enjoy that immensely, too, but then there are times when I wish I could just jump into action, so to speak. This didn't use to be an issue, but with the both of us working crazy schedules now, we don't have much time, or energy, for sexual encounters that require a lot of "pre-heating". She seems happy with it, having sex once a week (which is what it's down to now). But I'm not... To make matters worse, I get off from work in the early afternoon, she gets off later in the evening, and oftentimes I will end up feeling like I'd actually prefer to just jack off in the afternoon right after work, get that instant, quick relief that I need and have energy for, rather than wait for hours for something that either won't be happening anyway, or I won't have energy for. All this obviously renders me selfish, a typical heartless bastard of a man, and ya know what, I'm fine with that. I'm too exhausted emotionally to really care... The thing is, that this trend in my sex life has left me wondering, more often than not, whether this is what sex life is like when you get close to 30 and are married and whatnot. I guess my question, the one that follows, is directed mainly to male members of the forums, because they are more likely to be able to relate. How different IS sex with different women? Have you ever had sexual encounters with women that enjoy sporadic quickies? I'm not interested in sex with other women. Ok, let me be more specific... I live in a college town, and see some fine pieces of ass all the time, and I may go like "oooh man, I'd luvta...", but that's as far as it'll go. Period. I guess deep down I am hoping that someone will tell me that this is what sex life is, always has been, will be and should be about, and I am not missing out on anything. Hell, I'll make a poll for this as well...just for shits 'n giggles. __________________ Who is John Galt?

07-07-2004, 05:57 AM	#3 (permalink)
Bentley Little Insane Location: In my head...	Hey, your girl is the way she is, and you shouldn't try and change her. But you are totally normal in thinking what you think. I have a good girl for the most part too, but I am slowly " working her over" in a way so that she becomes more comfortable with the kinky things I like. Yes, sex with diff. women is diff. That is the way it is. But when it comes to sex, people are often who they are and unwilling to change because when people don't like a certain sex act (say anal) it is very hard to just get them up to trying it. But, that notwithstanding, each partner should learn how to please the other, sex is not a selfish act, unless you are masturbating, and taking joy in pleasing the other means maybe doing things one isn't entirely enjoying, but when it makes the other person uncomfortable, then it should not happen. So what I am saying is that there has to be some middle ground, maybe you can just explain to her how you are feeling and tell her that you do all that "warming up" for her, and this pleases you but mainly it is for her. You could say that the street goes both ways and maybe sometimes a quickie would be enjoyable for you. If she is not willing to compromise, it is not because the act itself may disgust her (like anal to some women) rather she is unwilling to compromise and please you yet you are willing to do for her. That is my 2 cents. __________________ That is my 2 cents.

07-07-2004, 01:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
primal Crazy Location: Oklahoma City	I don't think most women understand the male sexual drive. They just don't understand how a spontaneous blowjob can change a ho-drum day into a great one. They don't realise how wounded we can be when they deny us sex. I really think that if they could understand that then there would be a lot more happy guys walking around. All you can do is talk to her. try to convince her how much sex means to you. You shouldn't try to make her have sex when she doesn't want to, but I don't think that a blowjob or handjob should be out of the question. I think her feelings of being used can be overcome with good communication from you. If you convince her to give you a blowjob, try snuggling afterward and spending some quality time with her. Tell her how good she makes you feel. Also you shouldn't beat yourself up about how you feel. We all feel that way to a certain degree. Even if you had sex with 500 women before you got married you'd still wonder what it would be like with that hot new chick at work. Just don't let yourself become fixated with such thoughts. __________________ "Where the white women at?" -Sheriff Bart (Blazing Saddles)

07-07-2004, 06:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
timalkin Addict Location: watching from the treeline	You should be glad that you found someone who wanted to marry you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A lot of people would kill to be in your position. __________________ Trinity: "What do you need?" Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns." -The Matrix

07-07-2004, 05:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	You know, you sort of talk about it as if she wanted you to be dissatisfied. That's nuts; she married you, she loves you. She obviously doesn't want you dissatisfied. You should talk to her and let her know how things are for you. Don't try to talk her into anything--you've probably already been trying that, and learned it doesn't work.

07-08-2004, 03:42 AM	#8 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	I think that a quicky is a must for every sexual relationship to spice it up (especially in a long term marriage) otherwise it'll end up being the same old too quickly. "This type of spontaneous nookie isn't her thing...because she would feel "used"" does that really mean that she's never tried anything sopntaneous at all? Not even once? My point is how will she know how to feel about if if she hasn't even tried? of course we all have a certain idea that this and that will probably make me feel like so and so but most of the time we will be surprised by our positive reaction once we've tried it. __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

07-08-2004, 04:41 AM	#9 (permalink)
Anxst Condensing fact from the vapor of nuance. Location: Madison, WI	You might want to look at finding a way of telling her how you feel that brings it across without upsetting her. I did that with my wife, and she became more interested in occasionally doing a little something to surprise me and fulfill my sexual needs, just like I try and go out of my way to fulfill hers. Oftentimes we will meet each other halfway. It's all about communication. A breakdown in communication is the bane of all marriages. __________________ Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

07-08-2004, 06:20 AM	#10 (permalink)
Rand007 Upright Location: Oklahoma City	I was in a situation very very similar to you that is at the moment on the verge of ending and I have very little hope of saving it. My wife is the only woman I've ever been with, she had very similar attitudes toward sexuality as you're describing in your wife, many of them shaped because of issues from her past. She did not see sexuality as a necessary part of building intimacy in a relationship, she saw it as secondary and the only time when we should be intimate would be when everything else in the relationship was perfect or near perfect. This resulted in long periods between sex for us and in her turning me down over and over again. This caused me to begin closing down and to begin to lack desire for her sexually as a means to survive. We both have and still do love each other very much, but this conflict has brought us to the point where we are now in the process of divorce. I see sex as one of the primary means of building that intimacy and one of the major ways that I feel love. She began to get over her negative view on sex toward the end but we still have not been able to figure things out (because of many of my mistakes). My relationship with my wife has been almost destroyed by very similar issues and one of my major mistakes in it was trying to suppress my feelings and not dealing with the problem early. I can tell you from experience that your need for sexual love and intimacy will not go away and it is not a wrong thing to want. I strongly urge you two to seek both a marriage councelor and a sexual councelor as soon as possible. My wife and I spent years talking about it on our own and we were never able to get things figured out. Do everything you can now to work through this issue, be honest, patient, and loving, but for the sake of your relationship you need to confront this issue. __________________ Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity. -Unknown

07-08-2004, 07:22 AM	#11 (permalink)
nowthen Insane Location: Republic of Panama	I have what I would consider perfect sex with my wife, I can honestly say that I feel we are both satisfied in all our desires. HOWEVER - does that stop me wondering what sex would be like with that cute waitress, or that girl I know who works for my lawyers? Not at all. Go figure. Not saying you should be satisfied with a less than perfect sex life, but also dont discount the fact that the some people are never happy.... __________________ "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." George Bernard Shaw

07-08-2004, 08:12 AM	#12 (permalink)
BoCo Fear the bunny Location: Hanging off the tip of the Right Wing	The sex is different. The knife through your heart is the same. __________________ Activism is a way for useless people to feel important.

07-08-2004, 01:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
highthief Junkie Location: Ontario, Canada	Definitely substantial differences I find from woman to woman. While my wife and I have been together for 8 years now, I still have fond recollections of the time before that. Different women feel different, smell different, and act different in bed. __________________ Si vis pacem parabellum.