ElwoodBlues

Not sure if this is the right forum for this, but

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now. I love her more than life itself. And she thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread

Today, an old work friend of mine, Danielle, IMed me, and said she had some friends over, and asked if I wanted to come chill with them. I, being my bored self, said ok.

I got there, and friends started leaving, until there was only one friend left. When this one friend went outside to smoke a butt, Danielle started trying to kiss me. I kept moving away, and trying to back away from her without being voilent, but eventually she managed to kiss me.

Immediately I left and broke into tears. I cried the entire way home, and I'm still teary eyed. I don't know what to do. If I tell my girlfriend, it will absolutely break her heart. And I can't stand to hurt her. But if I don't tell her, It will be lying, and I'll hold this guilty conscience for the rest of our relationship. I love her so much, and this tears me apart that I let this happen. I don't know what to do.

I feel like the worlds biggest scumbag right now. I hate myself, I don't deserve my girlfriend, I don't deserve to live. I'm so lost

If anyone can offer me any advice, it is much appreciated. I need some help in calming down becoming rational again

maleficent

Did you ask Danielle to kiss you? No
Did you lead Danielle on in any way? No
Did you ask for her to make advanced on you? No
Without smacking her upside the head, could you get away from her? Probably not.


If you were a woman, your hand would be held that you were assaulted, doesn't matter if it's someone that you knew or not. I imagine the word No was used by you? No means No, regardless of who says it, the male or female.

You did nothing wrong. Did you have a reason not to trust Danielle when you went over to her place?

You are not a scumbag at all, if you were, you wouldn't be this upset.

You need to believe yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and if you can honestly tell yourself that, then what's the problem.

It was only a kiss right?

Is there any way your girlfriend would ever find out? Ie would Danielle tell her? It'd probably be better coming from you, but if the two don't know each other, then -- get on with your life and forget about it.

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the_marq

Relax. It does not sound like you did anything wrong here. Unless you are leaving something out in how you reacted to the kiss from Danielle. What did you say to her?

Look at it this way: What if some old friend of your girlfriend's forcibly tried to kiss her? Would you be mad at your girlfriend or would you want to kick the ass of the guy who attacked her?

If it was me I wouldn't even tell my girlfriend but that's me. Whatever you do, don't tell your girlfriend just to make youself feel better if it will make her feel worse in exchange. No body wins then.

Oh and don't go to Danielle's house anymore.

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The Truth:

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#3 in a series

theusername

First prepare her for bad news. Then explain to her the complete situation. This was in no way your fault but keeping secrets could some day come back to haunt you somehow.

Well whether you want to tell your girlfriend or not is obviously up to you but this is in no way your fault so don't blame yourself. Im assuming it was only a kiss and then you removed yourself from the situation.

It may be helpful just to get this off your chest.

ElwoodBlues

My reaction was this...."hey someone's kissing me, better kiss back, wait a second, this isn't my girlfriend" Then I pushed her away, started crying and left. I dont want to tell my girlfriend, it will absolutely ruin her, she'd be heartbroken, but if I don't tell her, isn't that almost worse? Its lying, dishonest. Maybe I'm just over-reacting

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

maleficent

I would never advocate lying in a relationship, but it's only lying if she asks you if anyone kissed you today --

Does she know Danielle? Would she ever meet her?

if you see her later on, and she asks what you did today, you can easily say you met up with some old friends. Lies of omission are acceptable if it is to spare someones feelings.

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Nitrox

Dude, chill. Pass it off as an error in judgement to have gone there in the first place. She kissed, you reacted by leaving. No harm, no foul. And for god's sake don't tell your girlfriend about it.

ElwoodBlues

She doesn't know Danielle. Danielle doesn't know her, they would never meet, and even if they did, they wouldn't know who the other one was.

Thats not what I'm worried about. I KNOW she would never find out. Its a matter of honesty. And trust. That is where my conflict lies

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

maleficent

What purpose would telling her serve? To clear your conscience? There's nothing to clear, you've done nothing wrong.

From what you've said, telling her would only hurt her, where's the honor in that? Telling her something that you know is going to devestate her?

Dr. Maleficent, knower of all things, tells you to go have a shot of Jack Daniels (only one, you're still underage), take a cold shower to clear your head, and breathe, and relax.

You've done nothing wrong, no reason to have anyone else hurting? Forgive yourself and move on.

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Seaver

Dude dont listen to maleficent... please.

This is exactly what happened to me... in the reverse. A friend of my old gf kissed her. She didnt kiss back, in fact she never talked to him again after that. No harm, no foul.

The problem was she didnt tell me at first. I didnt know this guy, hell we lived over an hour away from each other so chances of me ever seeing him are non-existant. But my best friend, his gf, hell even my sister found out... because word spreads. So there I was, everyone asking if I was ok, asking if we were still together, and like a retard I said "why not?"... and sat there baffled by their weird look.

She sobbingly confessed over a week later.. by then I had found out about it. I didnt give a SHIT about the kiss, what enfuriated me was that she didnt tell me about it. The lesson? something stupid that wasnt her fault turned into her cheating on me and then lying to me. Yes lying because she made a concious decision not to tell me.

Take it from me, I would have been mad that she put herself in that situation (as I'm sure she will be to you), but that's a far cry from the hurt, anger, and gaping wound in her trust of you that not telling her will create.

You're not a bad person, maybe a little dumb/naive for letting it get to that point but nothing bad. Just make sure when you tell her about it, ensure her that you will never talk to that girl again (state it many many many times), and that you will never put yourself in a position to hurt her every again (and state this many times as well).

nowthen

me thinks there is more to this story than you are letting on....

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"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

Kurant

^^^

I'm with you.

If it's the whole story, I don't even know what your worried about. Your just reading WAY too much into it.

Eugeni

Don't get me wrong. This is only a hypotesis.

I think you aren't being completely sincer to yourself and what troubles you is that you doubted for a sec. If you admit it and accept that we all are humans then you may be able to relax because humans doubt, make mistakes, etc.

If you doubted, there is no problem in that because it means that you unconsciously or consciously thought about it and in the end your love for your girlfriend got strengthened.

Don't tell her just tell yourself what happened and you'll be ok man.

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titular

maleficent

I can see where Seaver is coming from, even though he said not to listen to me, I won't hold that against him.

If it was only a kiss, why would she freak out? I mean, it's only a kiss, it's not a big deal (unless you've done nothing more than kiss with your girlfriend -- not that there anything at all wrong with that - )

If it wasn't only a kiss, what do you gain by telling?

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dirtyrascal7

how do you know your girlfriend will react so badly? the truth is, you don't... especially if you present it the right way. you obviously regret it and tried to prevent it and did almost everything you could to stay true to her and you know you'll never let it happen again... how could she hold that against you? the worst i see happening is that she'll tell you never to talk to danielle again, and that doesn't seem so bad since you didn't indicate you two were very close, merely "old work friends".

if you really think you'd feel better by telling her, then do it... just be honest and tell her not to react until she's heard the entire story.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

qtpye4u84

tell her the truth, a girl you were talking to that you use to work with, tryed to kiss you and you had to force her away so many time's, you wanted to leave, then when you were not paying attention she did kiss you,then you, Immediately left and broke into tears.
Tell her you cried the entire way home. You love her and don't want to lose her so you want to be honnest she will understand.
It did not mean a thing to you, this will make your girl friend have more trust in you because you were honnest and told her.
If it was me, I would not tell my boyfriend, what he does not know cant hurt him.

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The QTpie

ElwoodBlues

There really isn't more to my story. I have nothing to gain by lying to the TFP crowd. She gave me a hug when I got there because we're old friends, but I consider that insignificant.

The reason I feel so horrible about it is that I tend to blame myself for things. And I blame myself entirely for this happening. I should never have gone there in the first place.

I just feel like this is a huge decision to make. My girlfriend and I have shared something really special for the past 6 months, that I can't even explain on here, and I'm so afraid to jeopardize all of this just to clear my conscience. If I tell her, I KNOW she will be crushed, and I don't know if she'll ever want to talk to me again.

On the other hand, if I don't tell her, I'm goin to hold a guilty conscience for who knows how long. And the fact that I lied will still stand. I just don't know if I'd be able to actually tell her.

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

clockworkgreen

Hold old are you, like 16? Jesus, settle down.

This stuff happens. Just let it pass, you didn't do anything wrong that you wrote here. No big deal. Chances are she's been in a similar situation. And think about if you would want to know that. Probably not.

shakran

Is your girlfriend really that unreasonable?

I mean it.

My girlfriend would NEVER be pissed at me if someone threw herself onto me and kissed me before I could react, ESPECIALLY if I left the area immediately afterward. She might be pissed at the girl, but not at me since not only did I not initiate it, I tried to prevent it by backing away and (presumably) telling her to knock it the hell off.

My point is that for you to say your girlfriend would be furious/crushed/etc over what you say happened is to say that she's a very unreasonable person. Now, if you KNOW she would be pissed/crushed, then you KNOW you're dealing with an unreasonable person. It's very hard to come out on top with unreasonable people. If you just THINK she'll do that, then perhaps you are dishonoring her by assuming she'll be unreasonable about it.

ElwoodBlues

18.....I know stuff like this happens...but not to me. I always told myself I'd never cheat, and if another guy ever kissed her, I'd want to know

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

asudevil83

my take on this is that IF she ever found out from a third party, you'd be fucked. by not telling her in the first place, and her finding out from someone esle would tell her that you were hiding something from her. nomatter what you could say after she finds out she would still have this "is he hiding something from me still" mentality. and you dont want that. it'll end up being 10 times more worse if she found out from someone else.

so....by not telling her and keeping to to yourself, you may be able to just forget it ever happened. but shit like this can bite you in the ass. and by telling her you'd definately be hurting her, but things wouldnt nearly be as bad. its a 50/50 thing here....each has its pluses and minuses.

i'd tell her....and tell here the whole entire story. make sure she knows that you feel horrible (mention the crying) and you should be fine

World's King

Settle down.

I'm a little worried about all this crying. You didn't fuck your girlfriend's mom. A friends came on to you and you left.

I bet you like chick-flicks.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

timalkin

I've got to call bullshit on this one. I find it extremely hard to believe that your reaction to being kissed by a girl is to cry.

This guy is probably figuring on showing this thread to his girlfriend and saying "look, I posted the whole true story online!"

clockworkgreen

Do you happen to like Hugh Grant movies?

Sugar&Spice

Just explain what happened to your girlfriend. If I were in her shoes, I'd be mad at the girl not you. You did nothing wrong so don't worry about it. If she truly cares for you she'll get past it since you were not actually cheating on her. Unless you were kissing her back..which then brings you into cheating territory in my book.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

prefect

Just. Be. Honest.

It's the best thing you can do.

BooRadley

analog

I am a very trustworthy and honest person, and I did not earn the trust and respect I have today from my peers by telling them about every skidmark on my underwear (metaphorically, of course). You had nothing to do with it, tried to stop it, couldn't, and left. I'm not sure how you believe you cheated.

RAGEAngel9

lol

Yeah you are either a wuss, emotionally unbalanced, or Catholic. I don't care which it is, but geez grow a pair. A guy crying is one thing, but sometimes a little emotional control is a good thing.

diddagirl

Thats completely rude. And to assume he's either a wuss, emotionally unbalanced or Catholic? What an ignorant and presumptuous thing to say.

Elwood, I honestly dont think what happened is something to torture yourself over. Yeah, it sux what Danielle did, but you had no control over it. The thing with this whole "honesty" thing is...is alot of times we feel we need to tell someone the truth for their benefit- when the reality is we do it because it makes us feel better. Nobody likes to have a guilty conscience, but in your case you really dont even have a thing to feel bad or guilty about. No point ruining your relationship or breaking your girls heart because your friend put the moves on you.

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"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

ElwoodBlues

For those ridiculing me, thank you very much, I came here for help, not ridicule. I don't normally cry. Ever. Today I cried because this was extremely emotionally upsetting, and I was upset with myself for letting it happen.

And no, I don't like chick flicks, or Hugh Grant movies. Grow up.

I told her about it tonight. Turns out some guy she works with came onto her today, and gave her a little peck as well. Odd coincidence.

So everything is alright now. Maybe I over-reacted, but so what, don't fuckin go off on me because I opened up and shared what happened with the TFP crowd. I thought this was a community that promoted positive input, not name-calling.

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

gondath

Well, a man shouldn't come out in the open to other men he doesn't know well with a story about crying and not expect to take a few hits for it. Anyways, your crying is of little concern to me.

Here's the part I'm wondering. Besides pushing the girl away, did you actually say stop it, I have a girlfriend and I'm not cheating on her? Did you say anything at all? Maybe she is just an agressive girl and thought you were playing games. Be very clear in the future to advancing girls. Pushing them away is not enough. Trust me, I know from experience. Some girls like the chase.

ElwoodBlues

She knew that I have a girlfriend, and when she tried to kiss me I told her no, and repeated that I have a girlfriend

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

MSD

See? She reacted reasonably, your concerns that she would never talk to you again were based solely on unnecessary guilt. You've never given her a reason to distrust you before, so she trusted you now and told you something innocent and similar that happened to her to make you feel better about it, and maintain the trust between you.

RAGEAngel9

Fine Fine... No humor allowed.
My possibly less than perfectly stated point was....
It is absolutley noble that you are that horrified about cheating on your girlfriend. More of us should be so. Also, crying can be acceptable for men or women. However, I believe a little bit of emotional control is called for. I understand being distraught(sp?) or even feeling somewhat guilty over it, but the fact that you cried over it so much is frankly rediculous.

You know what, screw it. Grow some balls and learn some emotional control. 18, my ass.

Redgirl

Don't be so hard on him, RAGE. He might have overreacted, but that's not a reason to pick on him. I think you're a little cynical about how emotional love can make some people. Do you need a hug, man? :hugs:

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

World's King

Yes. You over reacted. Tell your girlfriend what happened and be honest. Tell her exactly how you told us. There is no way she can be mad at you. You stopped anything from happening. So yeah... settle the fuck down and grow up. It's life.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

mercury-hg

not to be paranoid, but do you think she might have used your admittance of kissing another girl as an "in" for her to relieve her conscience about a kiss that she had? in other words, it sounds like quite a coincidence that some guy kissed her the same day that you fessed up. she might have kept her story to herself for a while until she had this opportunity to tell you.

ElwoodBlues

This thought crossed my mind mercury

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

maleficent

How much does it matter if she was kissed by someone else? It's you she loves... Don't create trouble where there's none. Move on.

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