zenmaster10665

Hi everyone...

I have a problem and I am wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation.

I have been dating my GF for 2 years now, we have been living together for a little over a year...we both love each other very much, however, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired.

I really care love her very much and she truly is my best friend, however, we cannot seem to get the sex portion of our romance correct. She does not seem to enjoy sex at all unless we are in the missionary position...and many times it is impossible to get her turned on at all...no matter how much foreplay is involved.

I am still very attracted to her and she says the same to me, however, it seems that there is some sort of underlying issue which is causing our sex life to go to shit. When we first started dating, it was great...lots of chemistry, lots of sex, she was really enjoying it...these days (and since she has been on the pill for the past year really,) I just cannot seem to turn her on no matter what I do...

I am very concerned that we are sexually incompatible...and I am obviously hesitant to go forward to the next level in a relationship if I think that this might be an issue forever...

I really dont want to break her heart and I cant imagine having to go along without her, however, I am not sure what else to do?? I really would like to have an exciting sex life and i cant understan why she doesnt enjoy any other positions other than the bulk-standard

Am I giving up to easily? Is there something obvious I am doing wrong? (I always try and do whatever she asks, we do use toys sometimes, and I always try to be caring and romantic...)

Is this due to some sort of timing after her period??

Any help would be greatly appriciated......

__________________
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.
He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."
-Kurt Vonnegut

FallenAvatar

Well some women take a lot to get started; however, I wonder a few things. Make sure you do exactly what she likes and try and make her happy. If things still don't work under that rule she may have problems from previous in her life, or she could just need some help. Maybe see a doctor about this if needed. I'm trying to explore the best possibilities here. If you can't get her going doing what she wants the most then it might be something you should see a doctor for, together.

Best luck man.

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

Strange Famous

To be honest with you, and I'm not trying to diss you, I find it hard to reconcile the two facts of your post - that you are deeply in love with your girlfriend but you are also considering leaving her or at least not going forward because your sex life isnt so great. Maybe thats just me, but compared to love, friendship, companionship, partnership... sex shouldnt be so important at all.

Again, maybe more you than me, but I could have a very happy relationship that involved only limited physical intamcy (kissing, hugging, etc) and very little sex at all.

I think, you mentioned that her going on the pill was an issue, so maybe you could try to try a while where you take care of the contraceptive side, and see if her appetites increase being off it? Also, it sounds like you are trying to already, but talking to her about it really is the best thing - what she likes, what her fantasies are that you could fulfil, what positions feel good for her. I think its important not to let sexual issues become so that they are putting pressure on you, either of you, because the whole point is to enjoy it.

Maybe she has issues about sex, but from what you said it doesnt seem so, as your sex life was more active to start with - maybe you just need to talk about it a little more, maybe you need to try and make a special effort to do the things she wants or fantasizes about sometimes. At the end of the day, it could just be that you have a higher sex drive than she does - and if that really is an issue to you that makes you consider the whole relationship, only you can answer that.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

skysooner

I agree that there seems to be two parts to your post. You are in love but wanting to leave. I have actually been through this with my wife over other issues about 7 years ago due to stress brought on by the death of her mother and the birth of our first son. You are obviously feeling inadequate about your ability to turn her on and wonder if she might not really love you. It is only natural to feel some resentment in this case. Luckily there is a fix for this.

I see one of two things being at work here and possibly both. First, when she went on the pill her sexual drive seemed to decrease. This is a huge warning flag that she might be experiencing a side effect. BC pills are essentially hormones and they can mess up a system. There are other pills that she can use or other forms of contraception. Have her see her OBGyn quickly to see about this.

Second, are you really giving her enough of your emotional time. Guys sometimes approach relationships like a car. If nothing appears to be wrong, there is nothing to fix as long as put in the oil, etc. (analogous to spending time together). Girls don't think like this. Girls are constantly worried about things so what seemingly might be nothing to you might be weighing on her mind. You have to approach a relationship like moving into a fixer-upper house. Realize that nothing is ever going to be perfect but the more you work at it the better it will be. You absolutely have to spend time just talking about your day just about every day. This isn't always possible, but it is important. Spend time just touching her without trying to get sexual. These could be little touches in the kitchen or when you pass each other in the hall. Also, seriously talk about why she is feeling less sexual. I guarantee she will probably say she doesn't feel connected or her drive is lower (could be emotional or medical as mentioned above). Sex with my wife had gotten routine a few years ago. She used to be able to orgasm with me on occasion but eventually she was just doing it because it felt good. She rarely orgasmed during sex and would masturbate in off-days in the bathtub. It took a bunch of time to convince her that I was there for her, and I would do what it took. She showed me what got her off. It used to take 10 to 15 minutes for me to get her off after she showed me. Now, once I really focus on her, it takes much less time as I know her body and reactions and she isn't shy about moving my hand if it needs to be moved. This isn't to say that we don't still have sexual problems. Everyone goes through periods of low ebb or stress that kills desire. All you can do is just work at it to make it the best that it can be. Trust me, it is worth it in the end.

ShaniFaye

speaking as a female...when I was in my 20's and went on the pill, I went from a very sexually active person to having no desire whatsoever, I mean ZERO..A man standing in my bedroom with a kilt (kilts are a HUGE turn on for me lol) on offering to whip me wouldnt have been able to get me interested....I discussed it with my doctor and he changed the kind that he had me on and it came back within a few months, the ones he had put me on cause a severe hormonal imbalance in my system....ANYTIME you see a change in your body, emotions, etc when being put on medication your first step should always be to talk to your doctor

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

zenmaster10665

Thanks all of you...We have tied several different pills, however, they all seem to mute her sex drive considerably...this one seems to be the best...The first one took her sex drive away completely, the second was better and this one seems to be the best...I think that maybe we should try getting her off of the pill all together and see if anything changes, but I am very reluctant to go back to condoms as there is little to no sensation for me...

Thanks again for all your suggestions...if anyone else has been through this (or something similar) or even if you just have some (helpful) advice please let me know...

__________________
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.
He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."
-Kurt Vonnegut

ShaniFaye

just an observation...it seems its either no sensation for her because of the medication, or no sensation for you because of condoms....have you by any chance tried the non latex ones that trojan makes? I have it on very good authority from my boyfriend that they are completely different feeling from regular ones and that while its still not the "same" as bareback, there is still a whole world of difference sensation wise for him with the polyurethane ones. I know from MY perspective I can feel more of him when he's wearing one.

just a thought...

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

:::OshnSoul:::

From my own experience, it takes an open mind, willingness to try new things, and creativity.
Try more relaxing techniques such as Trantric, which can relax the mind and body.
I was the same way for a while, doing the basic things, but even to me it became monotonous(sp).
But, don't push her, instead talk with her about it. Don't make her feel uncomfortable, guilty, or blamed for this. Ask what she wants.

Jim Kata

Going through it man. Same situation. I go above and beyond the call of duty to keep her going (which I enjoy) but things always end up going back to me, a DVD, and a towel after a couple of weeks.

I know how you feel...you get frustrated and what not, so you are like "I want out of this unless I start getting that sweet poonani on the regular again" But thats all it is, frustration.
You got think about it.....weigh it out...would you rather have more sex with a condom (as much as we ALL hate them)....or less sex without....

I don't have the luxury of going back to condoms (yes I said "luxury" because I think my scales tip more in that direction), because she used to have awful awful cramps before she went on the pill. Now her cramps are cut down that I never hear her complain about them anymore. So I'd rather her not be in pain than me having my nutties feel like they weigh a ton.

Then again...I could just be awful in bed, not attractive to her anymore, or she is getting it somewhere else.

But I'm sure its just the pill......r-r-r-right guys? guys?

denim

RIGHT!

analog

So either she stays on it and you rarely get it anyway... or she goes off, you get sex all the time, but you have to wear a condom?

I don't see where you're hung up. Seriously though, she's been altering her entire body chemistry, and you've questioned your relationship with her over some pills. Let her come off of them if that's best for you two, and find a better brand of condom that suits you, there are plenty out there. Best of luck!!

AND PLEASE don't let anyone tell you the "pull out" method works. IT DOESN'T. Keep wearing that condom.