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skysooner · 02-03-2004, 08:32 AM

I agree that there seems to be two parts to your post. You are in love but wanting to leave. I have actually been through this with my wife over other issues about 7 years ago due to stress brought on by the death of her mother and the birth of our first son. You are obviously feeling inadequate about your ability to turn her on and wonder if she might not really love you. It is only natural to feel some resentment in this case. Luckily there is a fix for this.

I see one of two things being at work here and possibly both. First, when she went on the pill her sexual drive seemed to decrease. This is a huge warning flag that she might be experiencing a side effect. BC pills are essentially hormones and they can mess up a system. There are other pills that she can use or other forms of contraception. Have her see her OBGyn quickly to see about this.

Second, are you really giving her enough of your emotional time. Guys sometimes approach relationships like a car. If nothing appears to be wrong, there is nothing to fix as long as put in the oil, etc. (analogous to spending time together). Girls don't think like this. Girls are constantly worried about things so what seemingly might be nothing to you might be weighing on her mind. You have to approach a relationship like moving into a fixer-upper house. Realize that nothing is ever going to be perfect but the more you work at it the better it will be. You absolutely have to spend time just talking about your day just about every day. This isn't always possible, but it is important. Spend time just touching her without trying to get sexual. These could be little touches in the kitchen or when you pass each other in the hall. Also, seriously talk about why she is feeling less sexual. I guarantee she will probably say she doesn't feel connected or her drive is lower (could be emotional or medical as mentioned above). Sex with my wife had gotten routine a few years ago. She used to be able to orgasm with me on occasion but eventually she was just doing it because it felt good. She rarely orgasmed during sex and would masturbate in off-days in the bathtub. It took a bunch of time to convince her that I was there for her, and I would do what it took. She showed me what got her off. It used to take 10 to 15 minutes for me to get her off after she showed me. Now, once I really focus on her, it takes much less time as I know her body and reactions and she isn't shy about moving my hand if it needs to be moved. This isn't to say that we don't still have sexual problems. Everyone goes through periods of low ebb or stress that kills desire. All you can do is just work at it to make it the best that it can be. Trust me, it is worth it in the end.

02-03-2004, 08:32 AM	#4 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I agree that there seems to be two parts to your post. You are in love but wanting to leave. I have actually been through this with my wife over other issues about 7 years ago due to stress brought on by the death of her mother and the birth of our first son. You are obviously feeling inadequate about your ability to turn her on and wonder if she might not really love you. It is only natural to feel some resentment in this case. Luckily there is a fix for this. I see one of two things being at work here and possibly both. First, when she went on the pill her sexual drive seemed to decrease. This is a huge warning flag that she might be experiencing a side effect. BC pills are essentially hormones and they can mess up a system. There are other pills that she can use or other forms of contraception. Have her see her OBGyn quickly to see about this. Second, are you really giving her enough of your emotional time. Guys sometimes approach relationships like a car. If nothing appears to be wrong, there is nothing to fix as long as put in the oil, etc. (analogous to spending time together). Girls don't think like this. Girls are constantly worried about things so what seemingly might be nothing to you might be weighing on her mind. You have to approach a relationship like moving into a fixer-upper house. Realize that nothing is ever going to be perfect but the more you work at it the better it will be. You absolutely have to spend time just talking about your day just about every day. This isn't always possible, but it is important. Spend time just touching her without trying to get sexual. These could be little touches in the kitchen or when you pass each other in the hall. Also, seriously talk about why she is feeling less sexual. I guarantee she will probably say she doesn't feel connected or her drive is lower (could be emotional or medical as mentioned above). Sex with my wife had gotten routine a few years ago. She used to be able to orgasm with me on occasion but eventually she was just doing it because it felt good. She rarely orgasmed during sex and would masturbate in off-days in the bathtub. It took a bunch of time to convince her that I was there for her, and I would do what it took. She showed me what got her off. It used to take 10 to 15 minutes for me to get her off after she showed me. Now, once I really focus on her, it takes much less time as I know her body and reactions and she isn't shy about moving my hand if it needs to be moved. This isn't to say that we don't still have sexual problems. Everyone goes through periods of low ebb or stress that kills desire. All you can do is just work at it to make it the best that it can be. Trust me, it is worth it in the end.