The B Man

My girlfriend and I have been dating since mid-September. Things have been going decently I suppose. We have our ups and downs like any couple would. We have never had a real arguement though, we can compromise fairly well, so we tend to avoid those.

My problem is that sometimes it is like I don't even exist. We go to college together and are on Christmas break right now. She lives about 5 hours away. We have talked online maybe three whole times in the past three weeks, and that has been it as far as communication. I haven't talked to her in over a week. She is no longer online(she used to be signed on 24/7.) She gave me absolutely no warning she was going to do this, and I know she hasn't gone on vacation or something like that.

I would call her but I don't have her phone number, and even then I am not 100% sure I would call. This is going to sound weird, but it would be awkward, I would get the attitude "What are you calling for?"

Now I understand we are on break and she is spending time with family and stuff, but would a 5 minute phone call be too much to ask for? This is my first real relationship, and I don't think I am being unreasonable. While we are on break she treats me like I don't exist. One time we were talking online and she just left. No warning, nothing. She threw up an away message, she didn't even type 'gtg, bye'.

She treated me this way over thanksgiving break too.

This just doesn't seem normal to me, anyone care to input?

wry1

It's not normal.

You might want to re-think whether this is a healthy relationship....it doesn't sound like the feelings are going both-ways, here.

While I'm not advocating that you two should be constantly in contact with each other, I find it strange that she didn't even give you her phone number back home. You need to ask yourself, "why is that?" It could be that she forgot (not very likely, but it's an option), it could be that she's got you compartmentalized as her "school" relationship, or it could be something else entirely....what, I really don't know.

You might want to talk to her when you two meet up again. Explain to her how her distance effected you, and see if the two of you can work through it. However, it might just be that this pairing has run its course, and it's now time to move on.

I realize that this is your first real relationship, but understand: it's almost impossible to find "the one" your first time out there. Treat each relationship that goes by as a learning experience, and use what you learned in finding a new partner.

Eventually, you'll find that special someone who completes you as a person.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

Seaver

Dude, this sucks because she didnt have the heart to do it... but I think she basically broke up with you.

Any excuse she may think up is BS, she may be busy but any mildly interested girl WILL make the time to contact you.

My suspicion is she has a guy at home, probably her old HS boyfriend. Yes, this ranks up there for one of the worst ways to find out... I may be completely wronge, but one thing is for sure, she has no right to completely cut you off when she goes home. If she wont do something as simple as pick pu the phone and ask you about your day... she isnt worth worrying about.

The B Man

i seriously doubt that - she is barely ever home. she lives at college over the summer, i cant really see this being an issue

Rodney

It's not normal. And even though she's living at college during the summer, that doesn't preclude her from maintaining a link to some other guy.

At any rate, she's keeping you at arm's length, she's giving you no explanation, and she'd doing it rudely. She doesn't want you to contact her at home except in a way she can control -- ie, the computer. _Something_ is going on.

Harshaw

I've more or less been there... actually, I am there. It may be nothing, she could just be really busy and she doesn't have a lot of time for you.
But guess what, its still a shitty way to treat you. You may have to decide if you want to put up with this behavior or not. If not, talk to her about it... if that doesn't help, move on.


::note:: moving on can be hard

__________________
This too shall pass.

Averett

So you've been dating since September, and you don't have her phone number? Sure, she's probably staying at home or whatever, but if I'm dating some guy for a few months and I'm going home for break, I'd give him my number!

Somethings up. It sounds like she's only dating you at school cause you're there. That sounds harsher than I mean, but it seems like its a convience thing.

When you get back to school talk to her. Doesnt look good though

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

lightning

How did she treat you after returning to school after thanksgiving break?
This may be the main clue...

rufgti

Man, I know how you feel. I had a gf that did that to me and when I sat her down to discuss my thoughts, she blew up at me--something about trust and whatnot....

The next step SHOULD be to discuss this with her. Just be open minded and patient and not accusing...you should get answers from what she's saying and not saying.

__________________
Sometimes, you gotta say no to a stripper....

ratbastid

You know, there might be something going on that you don't know about. Maybe her parents are controling domineering facists who wouldn't like her dating anyone? Maybe she has to keep you a secret? And she's embarrassed about it and so hasn't told you?

You're right, this is strange. You should talk about it when she gets back. Don't ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. But for now, try and satisfy yourself with the thought that you really DON'T know what's going on with her, and all your thoughts about it are just your mind applying a Worst Case Scenario to things.

The B Man

she treated me fine

just before we left we exchanged gifts, she got me a gift that she clearly put a lot of thought into

she even sought me out the last day to say a final goodbye

thats what is so confusing

her parents are a little controlling, but i have met them and they like me

eribrav

B Man, just a guess here but I think if someone asked her about your relationship together, she might see it differently than you do. The fact that you've been together for 4 months, yet she never gave you her home number is telling in my my mind. Are you sure she sees you as a couple, as you describe it? It may be a lot more casual situation to her than you think it to be. I know that's awfully hard to tell when it's your first relationship.

If you're going to keep this on track and have it be a good relationship for you for the future, you are going to have to talk to her about the way you are relating to each other, and how your expectations were apparently far different from hers in rgards to keeping in touch. I've never been one to enjoy talking on the phone, but my wife knows that, and when she was my gf I still made an effort to keep in touch when we were apart, because it was important to the relationship.

Good luck.

Prince

Man, that doesn't sound good at all... My first impression was, that there's someone else. But, I'd just find her number and call her. Don't wait around, the longer you worry about it, the worse you'll feel, and when you finally see her, you'll end up arguing.

If you need an excuse to call, how about "I missed you".

__________________
Who is John Galt?

skysooner

So has anything further happened with this?

:::OshnSoul:::

I have had troubles with this very thing and it can seriously jeapardize the relationship.
There ARE guidelines to follow when communicating, and you have to put 110% into it. And there is no try- you just have to do it.
LISTEN: without interrupting or letting your mind wander.
EYE CONTACT: very important when speaking, MORE important when listening. You actually grasp more when you look into their eyes when listening.
RESPECT: every single idea & opinion the other has, respect that, because that is who they are. It is not up for you to decide who they can be and what they can think. Love will look beyond differences and celebrate the commonalities.
ASK: questions- especially if you do not understand something. It's okay, it's not being dumb, it's gaining an understanding of the other person.
SPACE: give space when the other person wants to talk. DO NOT avoid conversations because of the results of previsous ones, that will not help get things resolved. Instead, look at the conversation with new eyes and see what was not working before, and figure out what will work now.
SPEAK UP: be 100% open & honest. I know personally how much damage can happen when you aren't. Speak the utmost truth, yet in a respectful way. Share FEELINGS- "I feel" without blame or criticism to the other person.
YELLING GETS YOU NOWHERE but further apart. Calm, patient conversations you can gain so much more from.

Hope that helps- seriously work on it if you want to gain better communication with your loved one.

numist

No phone number after 4 months? I had my g/fs phone number 4 months before we were together!

I dont get to see mine every day, but I talk to her on the phone every day. When we do see each other, we are always together.

It is not normal, get a hold of her and ask her about it.
In the future, it would be a good idea to have her phone number right from the beginning... how are you supposed to make plans otherwise?

SAM821

Dude... that is FUCKED UP!!!! look, you may not want to accept it, but I cant help but think that either she just blew you off, or there IS another man in her life (back home)...

seriously, if she doesnt give you the best excuse a person can give, then when you guys get back to school you end the relationship (if its not already ended by then)

I am VERY sorry you have to go through this... but the whole thing gives me nothing but bad vibes.... the scenario just doesnt look good...

im sorry man!

on a good note though, There are PLENTY of other (better) women out there... just learn from your experiences... shit, I lost count of how many relationships ive had (at least 15) and i thought they all might be "the one".... boy was i wrong... still trying to find "the one" for me....

good luck

NeoSparky

I just went through something similar. "She" just stopped talking to me. Still dont know why. And since I gave up on trying to work things out I've met 2 other girls. One that I had some fun with, the other I think may go a bit further.

analog

You are no longer dating her. She has either found someone else, which is possibly not your fault, or she's grown tired of beign with you which, again, may not be your fault.

No phone# after 4 months? No. No call or anything for weeks and weeks, and over holidays? No.

I'm sorry.. put it to her bluntly, and expect the worst. Best of luck in the future, man.