Pink Floyd

Well the subject line sums it up fairly well. I've been reading here for quite some time, yet this is my first thread. The reason for this is quite simple: I haven't had a significant other for quite some time. There is a multitude of reasons for this including all the character flaws I have. I consider myself to have low self-esteem and VERY shy.

More than half of my close friends are girls. I find it easy to talk to them and become close with them, on a purely platonic level. Since I've turned 17, and subsequently received my license, I've had the opportunity to spend more time and hang out with my friends rather than just speak with them.

Of all my friends there is one girl that I've been seeing for about 5 weeks that I've really come to like. We spend a lot of time together and always end up having a good time together, even if there is nothing to do. I told her one night on the phone that how I felt about her and that I would like to be more than just friends and she said she was glad that I was able to tell her and that she felt the same way about me.

The problem is that now that I am finally in what seems to be a good state of affairs I have no idea what to do. When we're together I can't bring myself to make a move on her or even touch her in a nonchalant way. There have been a few situations where I clearly should have done something, yet I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Another aspect of the situation that confuses me is that before when we were just friends and talked a lot she would always tell me about these crazy things that she would do when she was out with her friends. Judging by what I thought about her personality it seems odd that she has not yet taken the initiative. So from that I would gather that she doesn't like me. Yet what is even more perplexing is that after rather calm, relaxed nights without any kind of sexual contact she still calls me the next day to see if I want to hang out.

And for the record I did kiss her once. It was pretty much a good night type thing after I dropped her off at her house on Christmas. However, the next time I saw her I felt again like I couldn't do anything. It seems that unless the situation is set up perfectly I am too afraid to do anything for fear of humiliation. In short, I'm feeling rather British. That being that I would rather have almost anything else happen as long as I don't have to go through the embarrassment of doing something stupid or being rejected in one way or another.

So... Is it normal to feel like this? Does anyone else have any suggestions for me?

shannon

i know my boyfriend was really shy when we started dating. and i talked pretty big, i'm full of sexual bravado, but at the time i was scared too. so we ended up taking things really slow. if you can make a move that's great, but if you're not feeling comfortable then don't force it, it will come. and maybe this girl isn't making advances because she thinks you're not ready, who knows? just try not to worry about it and let it go naturally, i think. it worked for me.

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"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

dimbulb

I think i'm pretty slow and shy at this too..

anyway, its really good that you guys are taking it slow. The fact that she didnt push you away after you expressed interest is a VERY good thing. The fact that she felt the same way, is EVEN BETTER.

Just take it nice and easy. The next step will come naturally.... You might want to slightly increase physical contact.. like hugs or casual touching of the arms or face.. or whatnot.. whatever is natural. don't force things....

From my own experience, and from what I hear, the phase that you're in... the not sure.. new phase of love....heh.. its the most exciting part. So much mystery and excitement.... treasure this time while it lasts....

kel

Join the club. What you feel means little. What you do is all that matters.

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"It better be funny"

Pink Floyd

Can you elaborate on that? I don't quite understand what you mean.

Harshaw

Don't fall into the too shy, too afraid of rejection trap. I've been there, it took me 7 years to break out of that hell. I had several chances to date really cool girls, and I missed them all. Now at 24, this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. You are still really young, the sooner you break out of this mindset, the happier you will be. Its a slow road to recovery, I know. I think the advice of taking things slow is a very good idea.. but make sure you are doing something about it. Hold her hand, put your arm around her, kiss her hello/goodbye. But for the love of God make a move!

Don't worry too much about rejection, there is a chance it will happen. Rejection is very common in this sort of thing, it is something almost everyone faces at some point. But it may not happen, and something very nice will. Trust me, seven years from now, the pain of not acting will be much greater than the momentary pain of rejection.

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This too shall pass.

Harshaw

I think Kel means, wishful thinking will get you no where. Only actions will help you.

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This too shall pass.

wombatman

If you want something fairly easy to do for shy guys like you and I, just put your arm around her shoulder. Not in a cocky way, but an "I like to have you close way." The fact that you've already given her a kiss tells me that this won't be a big deal, and it is an excellent starting point. Especially if she snuggles in to you.

Edit: This is really meant for if you're on a couch or something, stretched out next to each other, watching a movie or TV, or just sitting there talking.

Enzomat

You may be a bit intimidated by your friends experience level. You mentioned she told you about wild things she has done in the past. Maybe on a subconcious level you may be afraid that what you have to offer her might not be enough or on par with her pervious experiences. But I doubt thats the case because she keeps coming back so that alone should help you see that maybe shes lookin for something different.

If shes not making moves on you then you have to on her or if you really feel so akward about physical stuff talk to her about it. The last thing you want to do is push her away inadvertently by not showing her how you feel. its always a tricky thing to know about a womans past and date them because on some level you may not be comforatable with thins shes done(especially when you have very little experience) and on the flip side she may be worried you think poorly of her because of what shes told you in the past.

Sit her down and tell her how you feel and in time you should both be able to do your thing. if you know what i mean.

toxic515

It's long been said that a coward dies a thousand deaths. Fear is natural, fear of rejection is natural. What is not natural is paralysis from fear. Fear is the opposite of living, and DOING. Size up the situation logically, intellectually. What are all the possible outcomes of an action, that you can forsee? What are the chances of a best-case scenario, and worst-case? Are you prepared to take the risk, for EITHER outcome? If so, then move on it. Rejection sucks... but it's rather unlikely among friends to ever receive a TOTAL rejection. And it's not likely that you'll get slammed either.... It is POSSIBLE, but unlikely. If you do get hammered for expressing your feelings, then they were misplaced anyway, and you've learned a valuable, and only temporarily painful, lesson.

Alternatively, you could stay afraid and watch her walk away with someone else who is not. Imagine that as an outcome as well, the result of inaction. (which is an action all it's own.) It's a buttload easier for me now, at an older age, to look at these things and sort of laugh, because the truth is, many of the barriers you will run into are ones that you have imagined.. You haven't even really created them, they do not exist. You fear the unkown. Reason through the unknown, and find probabilities, possibilities, likelyhoods, and unlikelihoods... Figure out what's REAL, and this gets MUCH easier!

You're going to be amazed at how many stupid things you have done and will do.. And you'll be even more amazed when you realize how little any of that REALLY mattered!

Peace to you. Gather courage to fight the demons in your own mind, for they have only the power you grant them.

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies
like a banana.

Harshaw

I would like to also point out that if you don't move, or move to slow... she may dissapear. It has happened before.

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This too shall pass.

emphant

The only way you will ever have a chance with her is if you try to kiss her. If you don't kiss her, you have no chance.

In 40 years, do you really want to sit and say "Man, what if I had tried to kiss that one chick?"

It's hard, I've been there, all you can do is just do it. When she is making the kissme face, just close your eyes, lean in, and get to it. You know you want to. Just do it!

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

kajagoogoo

ask

Nazggul

Two quotes from two very good friends of mine come to mind.

From my current business partner when I finally convinced him that we should start our own business.
From my roomate in college and best friend at the time.
And, what Harshaw said above it sooooo true, I know it only too well.
Most of my past regrets involve situations just exactly like what you've described. Get your nerve up and just go for it. Next time you are dropping her off at her door give her a kiss on the lips goodnight. When you pull away look her right in the eye, if you have that momentary pause and she doesn't turn away, kiss her again, a little longer and a bit more passionate this time.

Carpe Diem!

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"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

analog

Tip for rookies: If you're going to lie about your age to get in here, don't refer to yourself as being under age in a post somewhere. Just a thought.