Battlefield

My gf of 1 year and I have been fighting a lot lately. I'd say almost on a daily basis. Now, 80% of the time she gets mad at me I can see it as justifiable ie I'm ignoring her or not calling her(shes kind of needy/high maintenance). Then there are some shady areas where she will go ballistic on me for: not helping her find a job, calling to tell her I will come over at 6 instead of 5, my friend saying we'll go on a double date then bailing on us(yes I take the brunt because he's MY friend).

Sometimes I wonder if we should be fighting about this or are there underlying issues/problems? For those of you who have frequently fought with their SO how do you deal with it and how do you know when it gets to the point that yeah you love them but it's too much to continue to stay with them in a relationship.

arch13

The fact that's she being bothered by the little things is a common device used by many people when they are feeling emotional about something.
Those gray areas are comming up because your already on shakey ground and she's expressing her emotions in this. What you two need is an Honest talk while acting like adults (that means no screaming) where you maturely discuse your relationship and it's stability.

The two of you aren't arguing, your expressing your emotions about the relationship through argument, and that's a very large red flag.

(By the way, never let a woman convince you she's high maintnence. A high maintence woman is a woman who doesn't love you and just wants attention)

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Rubyee

Underlying issues.

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toxic515

Don't allow a discussion to take on a personal and combative note. Keep your conversation factual and working towards the resolution of an issue. Otherwise ANYTHING can turn into a fight. She is feeling insecure about something, but then, so are you, apparently. It takes 2 to fight... ONe is simply a person yelling. Ask direct questions that can be answered factually, and don't present an opportunity to lie or try to trap her in something like that. Tell her you're concerned about all of the arguing lately, and would vastly prefer to have a conversation to discuss what's really going on. Then don't present things as attacks. If she goes left on you for something like a buddy bailing out on a double date, the simple answer is " I cannot affect his choices directly, and cannot be responsible for his choices." Life's very much like a chess game, albeit a great deal more complex, but in the end, you can only move your own peices. It's possible she's trying to make you break up so she doesn't have to be the "bad one". Be prepared to deal with the answers you get, as you may not like them at all. Better to know the truth upfront I'd think.

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rufgti

Be happy that, at least, she is making her issues known. The ones you really have to worry about is when they don't say nothing.

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Holo

That could make it worse with a girl like this tho-she may just need conflict in order to feel secure. There are a lot of people who get scared when things are going too well. I would have a talk about whether she's happy in the relationship. She's picking a fight for some reason or another. Since you don't live together I would start making a little less time for her if she keeps this up. High maintenance women are a real pain in the ass, and you have to make clear your autonomy before she gets any more demanding. Just my thoughts. I've been a serial monogamist my whole life, and I know the importance of remaining your own person.

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Bloodslick

Try to work your issues out through conversation, as the others have said. Women get very indignant when you break up with them without a prior discussion. As appealing as it may seem, you can't just break things off without explanation.

wilbjammin

Um, yeah, I got pretty indignant when it happened to me too.

I personally couldn't put up with having arguments on a regular basis. Every relationship needs established boundaries and respect to work. Try to establish respectfulness in discussions where disagreement or anger are present.

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skysooner

This frequent fighting at least indicates a level of passion in the relationship which is a good thing. However you absolutely must get to the bottom of it through a serious talk about what the underlying issues are. She may deny something is a problem (and you might deny something is a problem), but to really work you have to be honest with yourself to know what is bothering you. If you are unable to do it on your own, seek relationship counseling. Sometimes counselers can tell us how to talk to each other which is the key to a good relationship (or at least one of the keys).

Sho Nuff

Sometimes no matter how much two people care about each other they are just incompatible at that point in their lives. I was in a relationship once where the highs were the greatest days of my life and the lows were the pits of hell. We loved each other like one couple every lifetime has the chance to but we realized that we were killing each other. We had to break up to allow for us to grow personally.

Thats an extreme case but the principle is the same. If you are not compatible you may just have to accept it. Try to talk it out and work it out first but if its the everyday things that cause the fights and not out of the ordinary incidents it usually points to incompatibility which will require one or both of you to make changes in who they are and how they operate. This can be done but be careful that it doesnt lead to resentment down the road as a consequence.

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vveronica

Okay, She does seem a bit demanding and you do from what examples you pick sound a bit inconsiderate. You both need to talk yes, perhaps with someone professionally a few times.. that is if you want to try.. Sounds like you dont want here to bitch but you dont want to make the effort she is demanding... Perhaps.. you should think about moving on..

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slimcr

All right, here is a topic I think I can contribute alot with....

My girlfriend of 2 years and about 7 months and I just broke up about a month ago because of this very same problem. Man, we were just fighting about everything, very little things would upset her or me and we'd start.....we have been through many great things together so that has kept us together but at some point you have to stop it. I, during all this time have tried saying stuff but find it very difficult to say anything without upsetting her more. I try to find what Im doing wrong and avoid it but in reality when you're in that mood, anything will spark the fight. As I said, I tried saying stuff many times and had a very hard time doing so I tried to say it in different ways that didnt seem so hurtful. It really never worked so I ended up talking to her and telling her I think its better to call it quits for now. Who knows maybe later on, it can work, we might need a fresh start, maybe thats all we need but if we stay together right now, we're simply going to kill each other.

Life can be very short, can be cruel, amongst other things and we really must make everything that we can out of every single day. I felt very bad fighting about the dumbest things you can think of and it got very old. Even though I was very patient and tried to do alot of stuff do fix it, it just didnt work.

My best advice is, if you love her and want it to work, talk to her, be as honest as you can, regardless of how hurtful it may sound. IF she feels the same way as you do, it can work out. If it doesnt then hey, at least you tried, like I did. Dont give up just yet, work together on it as a couple and if at some point you feel like you're about to kill each other, it may be time to take some time off.

Let each other go, if you come back, you just might be meant for each other...

toxic515

Holo: the kind of person who needs conflict to feel secure typically has an issue commonly known as a borderline personality. This is often the result of a childhood in a family fraught with conflict and arguments. The problem can be helped and eventually resolved, but not without some direct addressing of the issues and typically counseling. It's a very disfunctional and difficult life to lead. The turd in the punchbowl here is that it's not a pretty process, and without cooperation from her, it won't ever fly.

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Falcon Inc

Time to dump her. You can only put up with that nonsense if you have severe emotional problems yourself.

Taking the brunt for your friend cancelling? 1 hour differences in meeting times? Your girlfriend sounds like a bonafide nut. Unless you're a psychotherapist abort; that girl is someone's PhD in psychology.

analog

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Take note, fellow males.