MojoRisin

I thought maybe I could get some help with this. Started dating this girl 3 years ago. I was 19 and going to college partime/working. She was 17 and in her last year of high school. We both had serious mental problems at the time, mainly depression. Neither of us acknowledged our own or the other persons problem. We dated from november untill august, when she went away to college. The 9 or so months that we we're together we're.. rough. We fought all the time, we purposely annoyed each other, tryed to make the other feel bad. We also fell in love. Not your normal 'i love you', we we're the 'i love you to the depths of infinity' type. Well she left for school and after a couple days of calling me constantly she started to disappear. After a week of avoiding me, I ask her whats up and, well to make a long story short she turned into a raging alcoholic who didn't go to a single class and fucks every guy in the dorm. After about a month of that she locked herself in her dorm room for the 3 months left in the semester. We talked on the phone occasionally, but we missed each other terribly. She had just started counceling and anti-depressant meds when she came home for Xmas break. With the coming of the drugs there seemed to be new hope, and those few weeks of Xmas we're like old times. But as soon as she went back to school it went exactly as last time. Except after about 2 weeks of it I told her what I thought about what she was doing. As you can imagine I was pissed and well, you can imagine the things I said to her. This lead to the inevitable suicide attempt by her. After that communication was minimal (a phone call every couple months) She was able to stay at school though. The Zoloft was kicking in by now and she started to go to A.A. meetings. She got an apartment with another A.A. member, and got a job. It's been about a year and a half since then. I have dated but have not had a relationship, probably because of her. She on the other hand is completely dependant on whoever the guy of the moment is. She is living with one now, she says she loves him but its very clear to the both of us that we we're the real deal. I know I will never look at someone the way I did her. She has trouble talking to me on the phone because she feels like she's cheating on her boyfriend (telling me she misses me and that she loves me). I have no idea what to do or where to go with this. She's always been a big love enthusiast but the other night we we're talking and she says to me "some things love can't overcome " So, if there is anyone out there with an opinion about what to do, fire away.

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Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!"

guthmund

You don't know me from Adam, but.....

I think that you have be comfortable with yourself before you can drag someone else into your personal psychosis. (I'm not ragging on you in particular, just in general) You have to be comfortable in your own skin, stand on your own two feet, and learn how to face life in all in its incarnations before you can expect to drag someone else into your life. (If there are any cliches I've forgotten please let me know )

I don't know. Love is a powerful emotion and sometimes it's hard to see through the fog it levels on you. And although you may love this girl with the very depths of you heart, it might be better to step away for a while and get a clear interpretation of your relationship with this girl before you move it any further.

Good luck in whatever road you choose

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wilbjammin

In general, there is an important piece of information I give everyone. You can only take responsibility for yourself... and thus, you can't control what you want this person to be. I think you are in a position of extreme power over her, and you need to be careful with that. I would imagine that you're torn between accepting this enormous amount of affection that she gives you, and the understanding that she has serious problems that you can't fix. Since you aren't her boyfriend, and she's in a cycle of dependency and it sounds like a cycle of self-depreciation/self-destruction then you might try to work on helping her build herself up and maintaining a degree of distance from her. You can view this as a challenge to yourself to give up on this ideal of courtly love and move towards practicality. It is not easy, but it sounds like you have also made this into a situation that you're dependent on. It is easy not to worry about other relationships and moving on when you don't let yourself move on... I know too well how comfortable that crutch is. Be there for her as a friend, and try to help yourself and her move on.

Or ignore my advice, as it is only advice. It is up to you to choose.

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Innominate.

lurkette

I don't know the whole of your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. Here's my $.02:

You were both incredibly young and emotionally/mentally fucked up when you started dating. There's a difference between "I love you to the depths of my soul" and "you're familiar and mesh well with my own neuroses." This doesn't sound like it has ever been a healthy relationship (by your own admission neither of you acknowledged the underlying mental health issues) and it's just gone downhill fast. Do the two of you together make each other better people, or do you just put up with each other in a way you wouldn't expect other people to? Did you sustain each other through hard times, or were you just familiar wallpaper behind each other's emotional upheaval? Regardless, she's made choices about the relationship that have pretty much put it in the "irretrievable" category, IMHO. I'd say what you both need is distance and professional help. She clearly needs help - self-destructive behavior culminating in a suicide attempt - and is in no position to be entering ANY kind of long-term relationship till she gets straightened out for her own good. Likewise, dealing with her problems probably keeps you from having to deal with your own. I think you're better off wishing her well and offering to support her in getting whatever help she is willing to take, and then calling it quits for a while, at least until you both (but especially she) are more stable.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

rogue49

I'll put it simply.

Sometime "love" is just a word.
Meaning there has to be substance behind it,
otherwise it is nothing but a gesture.

She sounds like she is very confused and has no idea what is real or not.
She is hanging on to anyone that will support her in that moment in time.
But there is no real followthrough for whatever she says.

My advice is take care of yourself in this moment.
Sometimes some are beyond your help, and some might even drag you down the black hole with them.

She is right in one thing though...sometimes even "love" isn't enough,
people also need to have enough personal responsibility to meet you halfway.

And even though there are people out there who are supporting those
who cannot support themselves (in all the different contexts implied),
these are people who have chosen to make significant sacrifices
and this is a need of their own.

This is your choice...but I do warn you...from what it sounds like
This woman will use you...and won't truly appreciate anything you do
or even return your efforts fairly.

These are the people we call, "users".
Beware.

analog

You have a way bigger chance of being used as a person than being loved. It's definitely not a healthy environment, so why subject yourself to it? You're still young, go find another girl, you'll love again.

MojoRisin

Good to know i can always rely on the wisdom of stranger's
Thanks for replying, now I just need to make up my rizzuto about what to do.

__________________
Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!"

FroMan

not to be totaly heartless, but....

to me this doesn't sound like a healty relationship. some times its hard to say good by... espically to those that you love, but sometimes you've got to cut your losses and move on.

Johnny Rotten

I'll skip all the advice. I think this is outside the scope of anonymous amateurs like myself...and yourself. She needs treatment. Maybe you do too, I don't know. But it wouldn't hurt. There is nowhere she can go on her own steam, from the sound of it. Nowhere but down.

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"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

j03th3j3w

bein in love with a girl is very hard to get over... i do not know you.. but i would not subject myself to that type of girl... you will never know when she is gonna flip... like froman said.. let her go...