Cuddling vs. Intercourse - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mb99usa · 10-27-2003, 07:27 AM

This question is more for the ladies but men feel free to chime in as well.

Here's a little background:
My wife and I have been together for over 7 years, married for almost 4. Since we've had kids the amount of sexual intercourse we have has dropped off. She stays home with the kids and has some very stressful days with them. Thay are both under 3. Lately she has wanted to spend more time cuddling than having sex. I love cuddling with her and have no problem doing so. I would like to see a little more action in the sack though. We have not had intercourse in over a month. There have been plenty of rolling around, cuddling, fondling sessions, but none where the act was completed.

She says it is nothing to do with me and that she stills wants me, just that sex is more important to me than her. I can agree with this but I still feel it is somewhat a reflection of her feelings toward me.

Is anyone else experiencing this?
Has anyone overcome it?
Should I confront her about it or just try to be more intimate and let things lead where they may?
Could I be pressuring her too much?

Thanks in advance.

skysooner · 10-27-2003, 07:34 AM

Sure. Part of the problem is that she is not feeling appreciated. At the end of the day, she is probably tired and mentally worn out. Sex just becomes another obligation that she has to fulfill rather than becoming something that she looks forward to. Young kids can sap the sexual energy out of a woman like nothing else. The cuddling thing is her attempt at trying to rekindle some of the passion so that sex doesn't seem so much like a chore. Here is what you do to fix it.

Show her affection on a daily basis. This means blocking out the kids (i.e. get out of the same room and don't allow interruptions) and really talking to each other about your day and just things. My wife and I do this at a minimum of 30 minutes a day (along with calls throughout the day), but we typically try for an hour to two hours. We have a mandated date night (different nights of the week due to our busy schedules). I am constantly touching her on her back, arms, neck. My favorite thing is to hug her from behind and give her a light kiss (no tongue) on her neck. You would be amazed at how just doing these little things can add real spark to your marriage. You just have to realize that the relationship is you and your wife first and then the kids. Place her first. My wife and I have been married 12 years, and we have better and more frequent sex than we had the first year of marriage. It took me quite awhile to figure it out. This is perfectly normal when you have little kids, but you have to work on a relationship to make it grow and evolve.

mb99usa · 10-27-2003, 07:45 AM

Thanks skysooner. I have no intention of letting this relationship end, I'm in for the long-haul.

We do talk frequently during the day, luckily my job allows for this. I also try to bring her little gifts when I can. We try to catch-up in the evenings but does not always happen. We spend a little too much time watching TV on opposite sides of the room. I think I will try to get her to turn it off for 30-60min and just lay with me on the couch.

Unfortunately our financial situation does not allow for a date night. We have discussed trying this once we get our income situation a little more stabilized.

I get-up with the kids on the weekends and let her sleep in. I also pretty much take over in the evenings when I get home. I'll just keep working at it and let the sex happen when it does now without pushing for it.

skysooner · 10-27-2003, 08:40 AM

I know about the financial situation. I make a pretty good living now, but for years we were living paycheck to paycheck, and we didn't have free babysitting like we do now. My mother recently moved back to town, so we get the occasional night off for free. What I meant by date night was making the children go back to their rooms at a reasonably early hour (say 8 pm), and we would sit and watch a movie together (side by side on the couch) that was either a video rental or PPV (around $4). This is supposed to be our time. The kids are playing on the computer or watching tv in the other room. It doesn't always work out that we don't get interrupted, but for the most part we aren't. Early on, our date nights would usually lead to sex just to us touching each other a bunch during the movie, but we have kind of moved away from that as it isn't always convenient to sneak off to the bedroom, etc. Instead we let this time become kind of a mental building block for when we can easily slip out.

We have absolutely set boundaries with the kids that when mom and dad are "talking" back in the bedroom, they aren't to interrupt. The door being closed and locked is a pretty nice deterrent to them interrupting us.

mb99usa · 10-27-2003, 08:52 AM

That sounds like it will work great as they get older. They are both in bed by 9:30 now so we do get alone time every night.

Sounds like we just need to make better use of it.

Dano069 · 10-27-2003, 09:11 AM

Stay the course, my friend. I was/am in the same boat. The wife stays at home and deals with all that takes place there. It's tough but, you can make it work out. Luckily, the ladies hit their sexual prime later than we do. The Mrs. is hot as hell right now. She and I are in our early 40's. We went through dry spells off and on over our 24 years of being together (married 20). Just continue to hold her and the sex will come eventually. Good luck.

mb99usa · 10-27-2003, 09:15 AM

Thanks Dano and skysooner. I can always count on fellow TFPers for great advice and experience.

skysooner · 10-27-2003, 09:15 AM

Good luck on this. Good idea on turning the television off. We found ourselves doing the same thing awhile back, and now we generally talk in the dining room or in the bedroom where there aren't any distractions like this.

Buzz · 10-27-2003, 10:36 AM

Hey just take it slow. Cuddle with her and rub her neck and if the sex happens it happens but let her take charge. went thru this a few years ago. I've been married 18 years. my kids are 16 and 13 now. One thing to try is take her away for a weekend for Two. And get to know each other again

Quote:

Originally posted by mb99usa
This question is more for the ladies but men feel free to chime in as well.

Here's a little background:
My wife and I have been together for over 7 years, married for almost 4. Since we've had kids the amount of sexual intercourse we have has dropped off. She stays home with the kids and has some very stressful days with them. Thay are both under 3. Lately she has wanted to spend more time cuddling than having sex. I love cuddling with her and have no problem doing so. I would like to see a little more action in the sack though. We have not had intercourse in over a month. There have been plenty of rolling around, cuddling, fondling sessions, but none where the act was completed.

She says it is nothing to do with me and that she stills wants me, just that sex is more important to me than her. I can agree with this but I still feel it is somewhat a reflection of her feelings toward me.

Is anyone else experiencing this?
Has anyone overcome it?
Should I confront her about it or just try to be more intimate and let things lead where they may?
Could I be pressuring her too much?

Thanks in advance.

analog · 10-28-2003, 01:40 AM

Skysooner hit it right on the head. Make sure she feels special, make sure she knows you appreciate the things she does all day.

The time-out option is fantastic. I think mandatory talking time is absolutely wonderful, very healthy, and can only improve a relationship, no matter how good or bad, or whatever is lacking in it. Since your kids are too young to really just get left alone, put them to bed and then make it YOUR time- HER time. Just sit, talk, compliment... compliments cost nothing... telling her you like the way she's done her hair today is great and takes no effort, but the benefits are huge.

Good luck, I'm glad you want to help the situation, rather than just want to know how to get more sex out of her.

jw_toyboy · 10-28-2003, 02:43 AM

mb99usa, I'm not married however a good (but fair bit older) friend of mine has been for a few years now, and has a 2 1/2 year old daughter.
About 8 or 9 months back he explained to me that he was in a similar situation to yourself and asked for some advice (still not sure why, but he did).
At the time I was taking a massage course and said how much my g/f at the time loved it... particularly as a form of foreplay or as part of just cuddling. He seemed keen on the idea so he went and took the same course and after a few weeks he told me that it had worked a treat, the fire was back in their relationship.

It may be worth a shot, the course I did was over 4 x 1hr lessons cost about $50 I think. Money well spent, not only learnt great sensual / relaxation massage but also proper techniques for sore muscles etc.

mb99usa · 10-28-2003, 06:53 AM

Jw I have no formal training in massage but I do give my wife full body massages. She says that I am very good and loves them. I try to do these as often as I can. I also try to switch it up and only do certain parts of her body on some nights.

The way she likes me giving them to her is for her to lay flat on the bed and me to straddle her. This is a great position but since my car accident in April my knee bothers me at night and sometimes makes this difficult.

Trying my best and thankyou everyone for your support and advice.

10-27-2003, 07:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	Cuddling vs. Intercourse This question is more for the ladies but men feel free to chime in as well. Here's a little background: My wife and I have been together for over 7 years, married for almost 4. Since we've had kids the amount of sexual intercourse we have has dropped off. She stays home with the kids and has some very stressful days with them. Thay are both under 3. Lately she has wanted to spend more time cuddling than having sex. I love cuddling with her and have no problem doing so. I would like to see a little more action in the sack though. We have not had intercourse in over a month. There have been plenty of rolling around, cuddling, fondling sessions, but none where the act was completed. She says it is nothing to do with me and that she stills wants me, just that sex is more important to me than her. I can agree with this but I still feel it is somewhat a reflection of her feelings toward me. Is anyone else experiencing this? Has anyone overcome it? Should I confront her about it or just try to be more intimate and let things lead where they may? Could I be pressuring her too much? Thanks in advance. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-27-2003, 07:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	Thanks skysooner. I have no intention of letting this relationship end, I'm in for the long-haul. We do talk frequently during the day, luckily my job allows for this. I also try to bring her little gifts when I can. We try to catch-up in the evenings but does not always happen. We spend a little too much time watching TV on opposite sides of the room. I think I will try to get her to turn it off for 30-60min and just lay with me on the couch. Unfortunately our financial situation does not allow for a date night. We have discussed trying this once we get our income situation a little more stabilized. I get-up with the kids on the weekends and let her sleep in. I also pretty much take over in the evenings when I get home. I'll just keep working at it and let the sex happen when it does now without pushing for it. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-27-2003, 08:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	That sounds like it will work great as they get older. They are both in bed by 9:30 now so we do get alone time every night. Sounds like we just need to make better use of it. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-27-2003, 09:11 AM	#6 (permalink)
Dano069 is Nucking Futs! Location: On the edge of sanity	Stay the course, my friend. I was/am in the same boat. The wife stays at home and deals with all that takes place there. It's tough but, you can make it work out. Luckily, the ladies hit their sexual prime later than we do. The Mrs. is hot as hell right now. She and I are in our early 40's. We went through dry spells off and on over our 24 years of being together (married 20). Just continue to hold her and the sex will come eventually. Good luck. __________________ I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

10-27-2003, 09:15 AM	#7 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	Thanks Dano and skysooner. I can always count on fellow TFPers for great advice and experience. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

10-27-2003, 07:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	Sure. Part of the problem is that she is not feeling appreciated. At the end of the day, she is probably tired and mentally worn out. Sex just becomes another obligation that she has to fulfill rather than becoming something that she looks forward to. Young kids can sap the sexual energy out of a woman like nothing else. The cuddling thing is her attempt at trying to rekindle some of the passion so that sex doesn't seem so much like a chore. Here is what you do to fix it. Show her affection on a daily basis. This means blocking out the kids (i.e. get out of the same room and don't allow interruptions) and really talking to each other about your day and just things. My wife and I do this at a minimum of 30 minutes a day (along with calls throughout the day), but we typically try for an hour to two hours. We have a mandated date night (different nights of the week due to our busy schedules). I am constantly touching her on her back, arms, neck. My favorite thing is to hug her from behind and give her a light kiss (no tongue) on her neck. You would be amazed at how just doing these little things can add real spark to your marriage. You just have to realize that the relationship is you and your wife first and then the kids. Place her first. My wife and I have been married 12 years, and we have better and more frequent sex than we had the first year of marriage. It took me quite awhile to figure it out. This is perfectly normal when you have little kids, but you have to work on a relationship to make it grow and evolve.

10-27-2003, 08:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I know about the financial situation. I make a pretty good living now, but for years we were living paycheck to paycheck, and we didn't have free babysitting like we do now. My mother recently moved back to town, so we get the occasional night off for free. What I meant by date night was making the children go back to their rooms at a reasonably early hour (say 8 pm), and we would sit and watch a movie together (side by side on the couch) that was either a video rental or PPV (around $4). This is supposed to be our time. The kids are playing on the computer or watching tv in the other room. It doesn't always work out that we don't get interrupted, but for the most part we aren't. Early on, our date nights would usually lead to sex just to us touching each other a bunch during the movie, but we have kind of moved away from that as it isn't always convenient to sneak off to the bedroom, etc. Instead we let this time become kind of a mental building block for when we can easily slip out. We have absolutely set boundaries with the kids that when mom and dad are "talking" back in the bedroom, they aren't to interrupt. The door being closed and locked is a pretty nice deterrent to them interrupting us.

10-27-2003, 09:15 AM	#8 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	Good luck on this. Good idea on turning the television off. We found ourselves doing the same thing awhile back, and now we generally talk in the dining room or in the bedroom where there aren't any distractions like this.

10-28-2003, 01:40 AM	#10 (permalink)
analog Banned	Skysooner hit it right on the head. Make sure she feels special, make sure she knows you appreciate the things she does all day. The time-out option is fantastic. I think mandatory talking time is absolutely wonderful, very healthy, and can only improve a relationship, no matter how good or bad, or whatever is lacking in it. Since your kids are too young to really just get left alone, put them to bed and then make it YOUR time- HER time. Just sit, talk, compliment... compliments cost nothing... telling her you like the way she's done her hair today is great and takes no effort, but the benefits are huge. Good luck, I'm glad you want to help the situation, rather than just want to know how to get more sex out of her.

10-28-2003, 02:43 AM	#11 (permalink)
jw_toyboy Tilted Location: Australia	mb99usa, I'm not married however a good (but fair bit older) friend of mine has been for a few years now, and has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. About 8 or 9 months back he explained to me that he was in a similar situation to yourself and asked for some advice (still not sure why, but he did). At the time I was taking a massage course and said how much my g/f at the time loved it... particularly as a form of foreplay or as part of just cuddling. He seemed keen on the idea so he went and took the same course and after a few weeks he told me that it had worked a treat, the fire was back in their relationship. It may be worth a shot, the course I did was over 4 x 1hr lessons cost about $50 I think. Money well spent, not only learnt great sensual / relaxation massage but also proper techniques for sore muscles etc. Last edited by jw_toyboy; 10-28-2003 at 02:47 AM..

10-28-2003, 06:53 AM	#12 (permalink)
mb99usa Keep on rolling. It only hurts for a little while. Location: wherever I am	Jw I have no formal training in massage but I do give my wife full body massages. She says that I am very good and loves them. I try to do these as often as I can. I also try to switch it up and only do certain parts of her body on some nights. The way she likes me giving them to her is for her to lay flat on the bed and me to straddle her. This is a great position but since my car accident in April my knee bothers me at night and sometimes makes this difficult. Trying my best and thankyou everyone for your support and advice. __________________ So, what's your point? It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.