How do i get over it. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

darkallaround · 09-27-2003, 12:43 PM

alright, so i got dumped back in july...it was a 4 yr. relationship that I thought i was going to be in for the rest of my life. i guess she didnt think so.
problem is, i'm not over it and i dont know HOW to get over it...
am i going to be a slave to the feelings i still have for the rest of my life?
maybe it doesnt help that i felt i was everything she should need (im pretty sure im an awesome bf. but hey, whatever) and she SAID i was everything she ever needed/wanted.

fuckitall, maybe i should just replace her and that'll be the end of it.

Nizzle · 09-27-2003, 01:16 PM

It takes time more than anything else. I don't think there's any specific method of forgetting. I think it's generally accepted wisdom that actively searching for a replacement is a bad idea, and not fair to the other person.

Averett · 09-27-2003, 01:25 PM

Yup, takes time. There is no timeframe. You'll eventually grow to think less and less about the person, and one day you'll be ready to move on with a new relationship.

Good luck

numist_net · 09-27-2003, 01:45 PM

basically, think of it as attaining enlightenment the buddhist way:

If you pursue it, you will never attain it.
If you do not pursue it, it will come upon you.

It is difficult to forget, or live without, but as you continue with life, you should find that you are not spending as much time obsessing, and will (should) eventually stop thinking of her (or the relationship) as often.

First step would be to read this thread, and then never come back, as it is related :P

skysooner · 09-27-2003, 01:49 PM

I was desperately in love with this girl when I was in college. The relationship was intense sexually and emotionally. We lived together for 9 intense months. I left for the summer and was going to see her just about every week. She couldn't deal with the fact that I was going to be gone for the summer, so she went out and slept with a friend of mine. She broke up with me right afterward and didn't throw it in my face (I found out about it in a roundabout way). I thought I was going to die. I just went on and tried to get myself together. It took around 6 months before I could go out with anyone else and have any hopes of forming a relationship. It all worked out however as I met my wife 4 years later, and I couldn't imagine myself being happier. Things happen for a reason, and when a girl breaks up with you, it usually means that it wouldn't have worked out.

tikki · 09-27-2003, 06:47 PM

Wow, if I could ever relate to a thread it would be this one. Rather than give straight advice, I will just tell you what I am going through and you can use it as a measuring point.

I had been dating this girl since my senior year in high school. We were best friends since Jr High before that, and I adored her madly. We did everything together, clicked like you wouldn't believe. I knew she was my soulmate, and wasn't afraid to let anyone know that. Yeah, we had our bad times, but the good times so far outweighed them it was crazy. So, we both end up at Purdue (after me not being there her first semester: that's a whole different story) and you'd think everything would be fucking great. We spend all the time in the world together and what comes with that is taking out frusrations and stress on the other as well.

We were both stressed from school and outside activities, but always went back to the other for comfort and compassion. So, as the semester progressed it tended to get more stressful, and come the end of the semester she breaks up with me. Why? "She wants to date other people and get out of the comfort zone she is in with me." I am sure you've heard that line sometime in your life.

For a while I seemed ok with it. We still talked and were still pretty close even though I was still up at school and she was at home. I guess this was my denial stage.

Then I come to find out she is actually dating someone else, and I fucking fall. I mean fall to the deepest pit of depression I have been in. I lock myself in my apartment, listen to the saddest songs, and cry my eyes out like a little baby over it. I thought this girl was my soulmate. She was my wonderwall.

After the first fit of depression came anger and I hated her fucking guts for doing this to me. I am not an emotional person whatsoever, and she brought out every emotion inside me, and I hated her for that. I wanted revenge. I wanted to get her back, so I wanted a rebound. I almost went through with it too with this other girl I know, but I decided against it. I would have regretted it after the fact, and so back to depression I went.

That was the beginning of August. I am still in the depression almost six months later, and I don't know what to do. I still love the girl more than you could imagine, and every day it seems more and more insatiable. No matter what I try or what I do, I can't get past that. I have tried to totally ignore her existence, but neither of us last with that past a week.

I guess the point of that story is that it's not going to be easy, and it really fucking sucks, but maybe if you know that you aren't the only one that goes through stuff like that, you can at least have some solace. Just try and keep your head up, keep your mind as occupied as you can so that you don't spend every waking moment thinking about the one that got away, and keep listening to everyone that says it will pass with time. Hopefully one day they will be right.

bundy · 09-27-2003, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Averett
Yup, takes time. There is no timeframe. You'll eventually grow to think less and less about the person, and one day you'll be ready to move on with a new relationship.

Good luck

agreed.

Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped.
‘Cause your trouble’s like a flood raging through your veins
No amount of love’s enough to end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong,
but the anger that you feel goes on and on.
And it’s not enough to know that I love you still
So I’ll take my heart and go for I’ve had my fill

tenderness and time, darkallaround, tenderness and time.

Harshaw · 09-27-2003, 08:02 PM

The only thing I can think of is, I think it is a mistake to keep up with your ex. She may want to stay friends, but it is probably better to get away and stay away. Don't ask people what she is doing now, don't ask what she says about you.

Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house. Hiking, surfing, something fun that will help keep your mind off it. Get out of the house and live.

darkallaround · 09-27-2003, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by tikki
Wow, if I could ever relate to a thread it would be this one. Rather than give straight advice, I will just tell you what I am going through and you can use it as a measuring point.

I had been dating this girl since my senior year in high school. We were best friends since Jr High before that, and I adored her madly. We did everything together, clicked like you wouldn't believe. I knew she was my soulmate, and wasn't afraid to let anyone know that. Yeah, we had our bad times, but the good times so far outweighed them it was crazy. So, we both end up at Purdue (after me not being there her first semester: that's a whole different story) and you'd think everything would be fucking great. We spend all the time in the world together and what comes with that is taking out frusrations and stress on the other as well.

We were both stressed from school and outside activities, but always went back to the other for comfort and compassion. So, as the semester progressed it tended to get more stressful, and come the end of the semester she breaks up with me. Why? "She wants to date other people and get out of the comfort zone she is in with me." I am sure you've heard that line sometime in your life.

For a while I seemed ok with it. We still talked and were still pretty close even though I was still up at school and she was at home. I guess this was my denial stage.

Then I come to find out she is actually dating someone else, and I fucking fall. I mean fall to the deepest pit of depression I have been in. I lock myself in my apartment, listen to the saddest songs, and cry my eyes out like a little baby over it. I thought this girl was my soulmate. She was my wonderwall.

After the first fit of depression came anger and I hated her fucking guts for doing this to me. I am not an emotional person whatsoever, and she brought out every emotion inside me, and I hated her for that. I wanted revenge. I wanted to get her back, so I wanted a rebound. I almost went through with it too with this other girl I know, but I decided against it. I would have regretted it after the fact, and so back to depression I went.

That was the beginning of August. I am still in the depression almost six months later, and I don't know what to do. I still love the girl more than you could imagine, and every day it seems more and more insatiable. No matter what I try or what I do, I can't get past that. I have tried to totally ignore her existence, but neither of us last with that past a week.

I guess the point of that story is that it's not going to be easy, and it really fucking sucks, but maybe if you know that you aren't the only one that goes through stuff like that, you can at least have some solace. Just try and keep your head up, keep your mind as occupied as you can so that you don't spend every waking moment thinking about the one that got away, and keep listening to everyone that says it will pass with time. Hopefully one day they will be right.

if you could be any closer without being the same person, it would be um...well
ok lemme start over. that situation is so goddamn close to my own. there are still days where my soul just aches for her. and then there are days when i can just feel that she's with another guy.
crazy eh?
even more crazy when i find out i was right *groan*

sexymama · 09-27-2003, 10:33 PM

The basic rule is give it one month for every year you were together. Of course, that is on average -- you may take more or less time depending on who you are.

QuasiMojo · 09-27-2003, 10:43 PM

It ain't nothin' but a thing my friend.

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
The basic rule is give it one month for every year you were together. Of course, that is on average -- you may take more or less time depending on who you are.

interesting rule....

rogue49 · 09-27-2003, 10:46 PM

simply this

focus on YOU.

the more you focus on your life, desires & needs
the faster it will fade.

and if you focus on yourself you can grow and be productive,
and the next fish will be that much easier to catch.
because you'll appreciate yourself that much more.

eribrav · 09-28-2003, 05:57 AM

I had a long lasting relationship that ended badly after college. I hated her guts for years after that. Time just passed, as it always does, and I (we) got a new perspective on things. I came to realize there was still a benefit to both of us to being friends, and now we are friends again. That took years, and there's really no way it could have happened any faster. I don't know of any way to make the pain go away in the short term. Just ride it out and try to find other ways to spend your time and get your mind off it.

wry1 · 09-28-2003, 09:23 AM

Simple rule, guys....

If you break-up, stay broken up!

Don't interact with your ex (especially if she's the one who did the breaking-up) as it will just reinforce your loneliness without her, while at the same time provide her with the sense that things are allright in your new relationship-free state.

It's tough, it hurts, but it's the only thing that's going to allow you to get on with your lives.

.....and yes, I know this from experience.

Astrocloud · 09-28-2003, 10:18 PM

The sad fact is that sometimes you don't get over it. Once you learn to live with this fact; ie. accept that someone you love will not be with you anymore -you will become enlightened. This enlightenment is really a big whoop and over-rated... but it's there.

In other words, Life is a series of changes and there is no going back to fix any of the changes that have taken place. We just keep moving forward, lacking and wounded. Try to connect with someone else... whether it be a friend or another loved one.

If this doesn't make any sense -its because I found some kind bud that's been hiding in my jacket pocket for weeks. Yeah, you could also do the Dionysian thing too. But it's really a matter of personal choice.

Plan9Senior · 09-28-2003, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
The basic rule is give it one month for every year you were together. Of course, that is on average -- you may take more or less time depending on who you are.

I actually read this somewhere and supposedly it is legit.

Anyhow, to the original poster, I think we all go through this at least a few times in our lives and they never are easy. The one thing that is true is that time does heal all. Post breakups are a good time to self examine yourself and decide if you would like to better yourself in any way so that you will not make the same mistakes twice. Join a gym, pick up a new hobby, casually date a multitude of women. Replacements are not only great but they are how we explore life and figure out who we really are

Keep your head up, hurt is just another thing that reminds us that we are still alive.

Averett · 09-29-2003, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by wry1
Simple rule, guys....

If you break-up, stay broken up!

Don't interact with your ex (especially if she's the one who did the breaking-up) as it will just reinforce your loneliness without her, while at the same time provide her with the sense that things are allright in your new relationship-free state.

It's tough, it hurts, but it's the only thing that's going to allow you to get on with your lives.

.....and yes, I know this from experience.

I completely agree. You're breaking up for a reason. Why stay in contact? If you do, somebody will get hurt.

Thraeryn · 09-29-2003, 04:54 AM

Plan9 is the first person who is with me in thinking that, in times like these, it's fine to go out and date other people. Why is that?? By dating other people, not only do you take your mind off of the heartbreaker, but you also reaffirm that you're a desirable person, that people want to be around you. You maybe get some good tail, and you learn more about what you want out of a relationship. You teach yourself more and more that life DOES go on after the woman has gone on.

Where's the harm?

jbrooks544 · 09-29-2003, 06:54 AM

It just takes time, maybe even 6 mo. or a year. You will probably always feel "somethin" about this time in your life. That is good. You will learn from this and be better for it. It took something like this for me to be ready for my next relationship, that happened 18 months later. So far, this one has lasted 18 years. So, if it wasn't right it wasnt' right. If it had been "meant to be" then it would have happened.

09-27-2003, 12:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
darkallaround Tilted	How do i get over it. alright, so i got dumped back in july...it was a 4 yr. relationship that I thought i was going to be in for the rest of my life. i guess she didnt think so. problem is, i'm not over it and i dont know HOW to get over it... am i going to be a slave to the feelings i still have for the rest of my life? maybe it doesnt help that i felt i was everything she should need (im pretty sure im an awesome bf. but hey, whatever) and she SAID i was everything she ever needed/wanted. fuckitall, maybe i should just replace her and that'll be the end of it. __________________ the darkness it surrounds me, consumes my very soul. within this worthless existence i shall never be made whole.

09-27-2003, 01:16 PM	#2 (permalink)
Nizzle God-Hating Liberal Location: Silicon Valley, CA	It takes time more than anything else. I don't think there's any specific method of forgetting. I think it's generally accepted wisdom that actively searching for a replacement is a bad idea, and not fair to the other person. __________________ Nizzle

09-27-2003, 01:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Yup, takes time. There is no timeframe. You'll eventually grow to think less and less about the person, and one day you'll be ready to move on with a new relationship. Good luck __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

09-27-2003, 06:47 PM	#6 (permalink)
tikki Justified Location: West Lafayette, IN	Wow, if I could ever relate to a thread it would be this one. Rather than give straight advice, I will just tell you what I am going through and you can use it as a measuring point. I had been dating this girl since my senior year in high school. We were best friends since Jr High before that, and I adored her madly. We did everything together, clicked like you wouldn't believe. I knew she was my soulmate, and wasn't afraid to let anyone know that. Yeah, we had our bad times, but the good times so far outweighed them it was crazy. So, we both end up at Purdue (after me not being there her first semester: that's a whole different story) and you'd think everything would be fucking great. We spend all the time in the world together and what comes with that is taking out frusrations and stress on the other as well. We were both stressed from school and outside activities, but always went back to the other for comfort and compassion. So, as the semester progressed it tended to get more stressful, and come the end of the semester she breaks up with me. Why? "She wants to date other people and get out of the comfort zone she is in with me." I am sure you've heard that line sometime in your life. For a while I seemed ok with it. We still talked and were still pretty close even though I was still up at school and she was at home. I guess this was my denial stage. Then I come to find out she is actually dating someone else, and I fucking fall. I mean fall to the deepest pit of depression I have been in. I lock myself in my apartment, listen to the saddest songs, and cry my eyes out like a little baby over it. I thought this girl was my soulmate. She was my wonderwall. After the first fit of depression came anger and I hated her fucking guts for doing this to me. I am not an emotional person whatsoever, and she brought out every emotion inside me, and I hated her for that. I wanted revenge. I wanted to get her back, so I wanted a rebound. I almost went through with it too with this other girl I know, but I decided against it. I would have regretted it after the fact, and so back to depression I went. That was the beginning of August. I am still in the depression almost six months later, and I don't know what to do. I still love the girl more than you could imagine, and every day it seems more and more insatiable. No matter what I try or what I do, I can't get past that. I have tried to totally ignore her existence, but neither of us last with that past a week. I guess the point of that story is that it's not going to be easy, and it really fucking sucks, but maybe if you know that you aren't the only one that goes through stuff like that, you can at least have some solace. Just try and keep your head up, keep your mind as occupied as you can so that you don't spend every waking moment thinking about the one that got away, and keep listening to everyone that says it will pass with time. Hopefully one day they will be right. __________________ Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

09-27-2003, 08:02 PM	#8 (permalink)
Harshaw Is mad at you. Location: Bored in Sacramento	The only thing I can think of is, I think it is a mistake to keep up with your ex. She may want to stay friends, but it is probably better to get away and stay away. Don't ask people what she is doing now, don't ask what she says about you. Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house. Hiking, surfing, something fun that will help keep your mind off it. Get out of the house and live. __________________ This too shall pass.

09-27-2003, 01:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
numist_net Banned Location: UCSD	basically, think of it as attaining enlightenment the buddhist way: If you pursue it, you will never attain it. If you do not pursue it, it will come upon you. It is difficult to forget, or live without, but as you continue with life, you should find that you are not spending as much time obsessing, and will (should) eventually stop thinking of her (or the relationship) as often. First step would be to read this thread, and then never come back, as it is related :P

09-27-2003, 01:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I was desperately in love with this girl when I was in college. The relationship was intense sexually and emotionally. We lived together for 9 intense months. I left for the summer and was going to see her just about every week. She couldn't deal with the fact that I was going to be gone for the summer, so she went out and slept with a friend of mine. She broke up with me right afterward and didn't throw it in my face (I found out about it in a roundabout way). I thought I was going to die. I just went on and tried to get myself together. It took around 6 months before I could go out with anyone else and have any hopes of forming a relationship. It all worked out however as I met my wife 4 years later, and I couldn't imagine myself being happier. Things happen for a reason, and when a girl breaks up with you, it usually means that it wouldn't have worked out.

09-27-2003, 10:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	The basic rule is give it one month for every year you were together. Of course, that is on average -- you may take more or less time depending on who you are. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

09-27-2003, 10:46 PM	#12 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	simply this focus on YOU. the more you focus on your life, desires & needs the faster it will fade. and if you focus on yourself you can grow and be productive, and the next fish will be that much easier to catch. because you'll appreciate yourself that much more.

09-28-2003, 05:57 AM	#13 (permalink)
eribrav Junkie Location: upstate NY	I had a long lasting relationship that ended badly after college. I hated her guts for years after that. Time just passed, as it always does, and I (we) got a new perspective on things. I came to realize there was still a benefit to both of us to being friends, and now we are friends again. That took years, and there's really no way it could have happened any faster. I don't know of any way to make the pain go away in the short term. Just ride it out and try to find other ways to spend your time and get your mind off it.

09-28-2003, 09:23 AM	#14 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	Simple rule, guys.... If you break-up, stay broken up! Don't interact with your ex (especially if she's the one who did the breaking-up) as it will just reinforce your loneliness without her, while at the same time provide her with the sense that things are allright in your new relationship-free state. It's tough, it hurts, but it's the only thing that's going to allow you to get on with your lives. .....and yes, I know this from experience.

09-28-2003, 10:18 PM	#15 (permalink)
Astrocloud Apocalypse Nerd	The sad fact is that sometimes you don't get over it. Once you learn to live with this fact; ie. accept that someone you love will not be with you anymore -you will become enlightened. This enlightenment is really a big whoop and over-rated... but it's there. In other words, Life is a series of changes and there is no going back to fix any of the changes that have taken place. We just keep moving forward, lacking and wounded. Try to connect with someone else... whether it be a friend or another loved one. If this doesn't make any sense -its because I found some kind bud that's been hiding in my jacket pocket for weeks. Yeah, you could also do the Dionysian thing too. But it's really a matter of personal choice.

09-29-2003, 04:54 AM	#18 (permalink)
Thraeryn Loser	Plan9 is the first person who is with me in thinking that, in times like these, it's fine to go out and date other people. Why is that?? By dating other people, not only do you take your mind off of the heartbreaker, but you also reaffirm that you're a desirable person, that people want to be around you. You maybe get some good tail, and you learn more about what you want out of a relationship. You teach yourself more and more that life DOES go on after the woman has gone on. Where's the harm?

09-29-2003, 06:54 AM	#19 (permalink)
jbrooks544 Addict	It just takes time, maybe even 6 mo. or a year. You will probably always feel "somethin" about this time in your life. That is good. You will learn from this and be better for it. It took something like this for me to be ready for my next relationship, that happened 18 months later. So far, this one has lasted 18 years. So, if it wasn't right it wasnt' right. If it had been "meant to be" then it would have happened.