ellie

Alrighty. I've made my intro as well as some initial posts - I'm broken in. So now I will post one of the main reasons I decided to find a new forum. I need feedback here. And yes, I'm new and yes, this is personal. But I love the anonymity forums always provide as opposed to exposing my innermost secrets to friends.

For over 2 years, I've been on the following for bipolar disorder:

• Depakote
• Celexa
• Xanax
• Risperdal
• Lithium

Everything seemed to be working great. Then around March'ish, my periods started screwing up. Well, actually I didn't have one for over 8 weeks. I thought I was pregnant. Thrilled to the bone, I then learned I wasn't. Gyn did some bloodwork and learned my body was producing prolactin - a hormone created in lactating mothers. He ordered an MRI to see if I had a brain tumor. I'm tumor free. So he chalks it up to the Risperdal I've been taking for so long. My psychiatrist and endocrinologist said there's nothing that can be done, as all types of medication in the anti-psychotic class have potential to cause prolactin creation. Pulling me off the med wouldn't work, as these doctors feel I need an anti-psychotic to function. So this is the medical background of my story.

As time has gone on, I have completely lost interest in sex. This is not good. At all. It's truly taking it's toll on my relationship. Folks, I don't want it one bit. I never get horny anymore. I'd rather cuddle up in bed then spread my legs for some wiener. It means nothing to me anymore. My boyfriend has been as understanding as he can possibly be. But I used to be a very sexual woman. He'd wake me up 4 times in the middle of the night for a little action and I'd be all over it. Now, I actually fake stomach aches to avoid hurting his feelings.

Last week, I saw a new psychiatrist who isn't happy with my med regimen. Not only does he feel the Risperdal is killing my sexual appetite, but a couple others are too. He's weening me off the above listed meds, one at a time, while putting me on something called Lamictal. He informed me that this is going to be a long and tedious process since I'm so drugged up. But I can't wait like this - not with the way things are.

What I'm asking from you folks, is for suggestions, feedback - anything - that might spark my interest again. I recently dropped $100 on toys. It took me 45 minutes to get off with one of them alone. I really didn't enjoy myself. We've tried the KY Yours & Mine. I'm not sure I like it. It's nice, but not earth shattering or anything. Worst part of it all is I do indeed get horny...... when I take Percosets that I get once a month for a pain issue. And imo, that's bullshit. That's abusing them. And I can't live my life abusing pain killers just to have sex with my boyfriend.

I guess this is the gist of it all. I'm really looking forward to any replies anyone has. I need help. k bye

jewels

Long and tedious: doctor's words? Why can't you wait if you've already waited this long? And if your boyfriend's been patient and understanding, why are you rushing things?

While I understand wanting to make him happy, if he cares for you he won't want you to make that sort of sacrifice for him. If you're that concerned, your mouth will lubricate easily and I'm sure he'll be fine with that for now. Also, focus on getting him all worked up might help those juices start to flow.

If the med combo is as debilitating as you describe, readjust your self-expectations. Take the pressure off yourself so that as the weaning process begins, you'll be open to feeling the change and things will slowly go back to normal.

I'd found myself in a similar crises when I was married and found my appetite returning once the weaning process began. The same will happen for you.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

noodle

Sweetie, with the meds you have taken and the changes you're making now, it's no wonder you have/had no sex drive. Cut yourself a little slack... these meds have a chemical impact on your sex drive, it's not like you're just not into it. In my experience, you may have to ride it out and talk to your man. Just be honest about some of what is going on... about the side effects of the meds and it not being personal. Talk to the docs and let them know about ANY changes, good or bad, and just communicate. With all of the important people, so that you have a support network through this and don't end up more frustrated, depressed, and stressed out because of something that is likely beyond your control. Hang in there.

__________________

ellie

Yeah - those were the doctor's words. I mean, I take 2mgs of Risperdal now. For the month, he has me taking half of one. Then for the next month it will be none. Then for the next month he'll start weening me off of something else. It'll be a while with 5 meds at the dosages I take them at lol.

Thank you for your suggestions. Even though a penis is the last thing I want in my mouth atm, perhaps I can work on this!
Oh, we've talked quite a bit about it. Know what he does? When we have a great 'session,' he's like, "Well you got into it that time! Just maybe try whatever you it is you did next time and see if it works again!" I can't tell the man I had just taken 3 - 7.5mg Percosets 40 minutes beforehand lol. And before anyone asks, yes I have a history of drug abuse. I'm walking a fine line having an Rx for these bad boys. Hence, I don't want to depend on them for sex.

Thank you noodle. You're reply was very sweet and supportive. I appreciate it.

To add to my story, I've tried focusing just how much I love this man. Tried to make love more than just fuck. I do love him - with all of my heart - but focusing on that just makes me want to hold him and hug him and kiss him. Not spread my legs for him. This is whacked, right?

I bought a porn. He doesn't want to watch it with me. He's afraid that I'll need porn forever more in order to get turned on instead of naturally being turned on by him. ugh

TheCrimsonGhost

American society and their pills... I don't even know what to tell you here other than I really think you should consider reducing the pharmaceuticals you are taking, they are more poison than anything and I'm sure are not helping much more than maybe a placebo effect. Are you a spiritual person? There are many self healing practices that really work, that don't involve drugs and will improve your life in every aspect.

noodle

You may not be talking about the right things... the medication side effects and the percocets. I have some experience being with someone who was using pain killers and belive me, it was better to know and work around it than to try to worry about what I was doing wrong or right. It hurts a little at first, but you get over it.

Nope, not whacked. Your chemicals are off-kilter. Your hormones are off-kilter. Give yourself time to get adjusted to new things. You can't force it.


And, by the way, the worst thing one can do for bi-polar disorder is to just drop medications. It is a chemical imbalance with behavioral components. Using other coping methods along with medications is the only way to manage more severe manifestations. Some people do okay without meds... some do not. This doc you're seeing now sounds intuitive. You could talk with him/her about additional therapies (e.g. counseling, groups) to build up the coping skills while you're going through chemical imbalances. You know yourself better than we do... remember that.

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Daniel_

I really feel for you. Your mind still wants to, but your body doesn't - and that sucks arse!

I have little constructive to add, however, I would point out that Perocet includes acetaminophen (or paracetamol, for fellow Englishmen), and that acetaminophen has a really nasty habit of destroying liver function if mis-used or over-used.

The worst of it is that you feel fine even if you take too many, but then die of liver failure. Please be careful.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

The_Jazz

Glad to see you're "sure" about your diagnosis of someone you've never met, doctor.

Someone pass the snake oil, please.

Ellie, I don't think our community is going to be able to add all that much solid advice to. You've done all the right things as far as I can see - talk to your partner, talk to your doctor, be taken seriously by both. I know we can be a good shoulder to lean on, but that's about the extent of what we can do.

Not that it should discourage anyone from posting.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

snowy

noodle's given you some great advice, and I think she's really covered all the bases in terms of what you can do and what you should know. Good luck, though!

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ellie

Well, I stated I'm being weened off of meds in my post already.....

...regarding my spiritual beliefs, yes, I am quite spiritual. I'd be interested in reading what you're referring to.
My potential addiction issues just came out about a month ago. So he is aware of it. And he does know I have a past with substance abuse. So that's all out in the open. But after my shrink appt today, I think I need to reinforce exactly what's happening with me. As she said, he's a man - very well could be thinking with the other head. And sometimes it just takes a little coaxing to get the message thru. We'll see.
I'm sure I'm just not burning the right incense.

But yes, I speak from experience and lack of responsibility. When I miss meds, I often go batshit like clockwork. Just overly emotional and usually very angry. meh
I had my liver and kidney values checked about 6 months ago. I made sure to go in while I was on a percoset binge, so the lab would get a true reading. I'm ok. Knock on wood. Everything came back normal. But thanks .
Well way to piss on my parade.



There's no easy solution - I'm way aware of that. But I'm desperate for advice. Hopefully some others will pipe up in spite of your lack of faith in your community.

again.

Thank you.

---------- Post added at 03:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:53 PM ----------

Thanks snowy - I appreciate it!

The_Jazz

ellie, I have great faith in our community - enough that I feel that I have to defend it from your misunderstanding of waht I said. I've just been here long enough to know what the usual answers are. And there aren't any magic bullets here. All you're seeing is variations of the same themes - talk to you doctor, talk to your SO, make sure you're taken seriously.

Except for the one that I responded directly to, which is medically unsound advice and a potential liability to us if you actually listened to it and went off your meds. The most obvious suggestion that TheCrimsonGhost is going to make is Scientology (which denies the existance of mental illness) with the next most obvious being Christian Scientist and another being some form of Pentacostalism. There are a thousand other varieties but those are the major ones. So unless you're willing to pray the hurt away or give all your money to Tom Cruise et al, I think you're already on the right track.

I don't think you're going to come across any new ideas here. There aren't many medical doctors here, and you've got a diagnosed medical issue. But you've already seen that there are lots of people willing to listen and enourage you.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

ellie

I just went ahead and took a stab in the dark - hoping for some magical solution I've never thought of. Can't blame someone in my situation for tryin'.

And please don't take my sarcasm (hence, the eyerolls,) as me meaning anything serious. I do have a sarcastic side to me and I've learned in the past that using emoticons are essential in my posts to clarify that I'm not being a snot. So I apologize if I should have used more of them! lol

Thanks for all the info. Yeah, Scientology doesn't groove with my sort of spiritualism. I'll steer clear of it.

The_Jazz

ellie, I'll spoil the surprise for you; I don't believe in magic. It would be nice, but it just doesn't exist. I'm not saying science and medicine have all the answers, but they do have some solutions for most people. But I don't blame you at all for trying. The opposite, in fact. I think you're pretty brave for putting this out here and discussing it.

And I did recognize your sarcasm for what it was, but I thought that it was important to respond again.

I've been here something like 7 years and seen all the dirty laundry as well as this place at its shining best. TFP is a bit like putty - most folks here are slightly cracked or chipped and they're looking for something. You're likely to find someone who maybe hasn't been through something exactly the same but maybe similar. Or knows someone who did. At the very least, you're going to find that the majority of folks who respond here put thought into their responses before hitting the post button. Those that don't usually don't last too long.

Anyway, I hope I haven't derailed this too much or demoralized you. If nothing else, please keep us updated!

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

bagatelle

@plan9: I like how you found a song with lyrics connecting to the thread title: "and they're always glad you caaame"...

__________________

Plan9

I'm all over it.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

TheCrimsonGhost

Hahaha, someone has a vendetta against me apparently. ellie, I never said you should go off your meds without talking to your doctor first and obviously weening off them, I simply said they are poison and not doing you any good in the long run, which is fact to anyone who isn't ignorant. As far as spiritual teachings, I practice a form of eastern spiritualism that has nothing to do with any of the pseudo religions mentioned by The Jazz, or any religion really, and if you would like more info or some places you can do some reading, feel free to PM me and I will give you some links, but to avoid anymore unwarranted flames, I will keep them to myself til you ask.

Cimarron29414

Ghost,

There are people whose physiology is such that their bodies do not produce the chemicals their brains need for proper function. It is how their body is constructed and there is no amount of meditation which will fix that.

I don't pretend to know ellie's medical history and won't make recommendations on her medication levels. I've known several wonderful humans who were bipolar and without ANY medication, they could not function. Your categorically stating that all pharmaceuticals are poison is completely irresponsible and, to use your word, ignorant.

ellie, all I have to offer is support. Be honest with your mate, as he deserves accurate status updates as to your feelings. It will be easier on both of you if he truly understands what's going on inside of you. I'll bet you will be pleasantly surprised at the support you get.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

ellie

I appreciate your post. Thank you.
I appreciate your offer and just may take you up on it. If anything, I'll learn something new from you. Thanks.
Yeah, I talked to him about everything again last night. He moped. I don't know what else to do. I guess it's just going to take some effort on both our parts to get through this until things get back to normal.

...and they WILL get back to normal. lol

Thank you .

zenda

Hi Ellie

n00b to n00b You're telling me neither of you like this situation, both of you are frustrated by it, your man is being patient, and your doctors say that this is to be a slow process.

I was boyfriend and husband for 17 frustrating but patient years in a relationship which included long periods of zero sexual hunger. I hereby let loose a dang loud and long inward howl as I remember my frustration, but I do not regret one moment of my patience. I look forward raising a glass at your eventual Tilted-Forum Project 'Celebration of Resumed Activity and Enjoyment' Thread. I also look forward to this happening no sooner than your natural course takes.

I remember riding on the bus and pushing the back of the seat in front, to make the bus faster and get me home sooner. As it was, home had waited for me, and I hadn't needed to push, and I'm echoing the words of Jewels and Noodle, and fully support your working closely with your new psychiatrist who is obviously factoring your desires and needs as well as your stability into your treatment plan.

Best wishes.

ellie

My, what a well-written post! I like you already.

And thank you for your kind words! They made me smile.

MSD

[citation needed]

ellie

Yeah, I'm fairly certain I haven't been taking sugar pills for the past 17 years.

lol

Baraka_Guru

[citation needed]

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

ellie

Well I'm sure no one is actually keeping up with this here, but I just thought I'd post that tonight was an absolutely wonderful night. 4 times. I'm telling you, the guy's Superman. And I wanted it and I got it and I kept up and even wanted more when he was spent. I wish this was permanent! But it was just a good night. So that's it.

zenda

Well, I am ... and I'm 100% sure I'm not the only one keeping up with this here.

You mention: "It was just a good night" [yaaaaaaaaay!] ... and OK, it is said that one swallow doesn't make a summer, but I believe there'll be a second good night, and that will be JUST two good nights .... and eventually just three or four. When it's just thirteen or fourteen, then it might be time to wonder "Hmmmm .... could be JUST a trend" - and come January 2012, you'll have been improving for just a year.

Mind you, sceptisism is a crucial quality control, so I reckon you might need to test whether it WAS "Just" a good night. Frequently.

I know you wish it was permanent, but I hope not so permanent that you lose time to come and post here the latest episode of 'Tilted Superheroes,' and attend to other essentials such as eating and sleeping.

Question, Ellie ... you mentioned there were some pills you didn't like which had the side-effect of helping bringing back your appreciation of intimacy. Was this night with or without their help? Or has the new medication regime been started and maybe having a speedier effect in this area than had at first been predicted? Or is neither of the above!? And if so, what?

Best wishes

ellie

Percoset - Oh, I love them - I don't not like them lol. But no, I didn't take any last night. It felt like I did though, come to think of it. I was almost high. ...now you got me thinking lol. I suppose there's a possibility the new med had something to do with it. But it just seems too soon for that. I'm on a very small dose to start and I'll be increasing over the next month --- Lamictal:

• 25mgs every other day for 2 weeks (where I'm at now)
• 25mgs every day for 2 weeks
• 50 mgs every day from then on

With my bipolar deal, I tend to have more depressive episodes as opposed to manic. So it's safe to say I'm flat-out depressed. But when I do have periods of 'normalcy,' I almost feel high. Perhaps the med is working - I'm not sure.

Whatever happened though, I sure as hell hope it happens again very soon lol. It was wonderful. And it's been a very long time since we've been so intimate with each other.

Thanks for replying and keeping up with my situation! Very cool of you.

The_Jazz

That's great news, ellie. Glad to see that you're being taken seriously by those that can help you.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

ellie

Thanks Jazz. Yeah I could've received all sorts of derogatory or humorous comments in this thread. But nothing as of yet! Feedback of all sorts is appreciated. I'm open to receiving anything anyone has to say. I have big girl panties.

Thanks again!

amonkie

Again glad to hear! Don't be so quick to assume the meds haven't kicked in right away. While long term results do take time, I've seen several people I know very well respond to medication strongly in some way(for good or for bad) usually within 24 hours of beginning the medication.

Best of luck!

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

ellie

I've been on all kinds of different meds for so long. And I guess I'm just used to hearing 'don't expect any results for 4-6 weeks' or something along those lines, whenever I start up a new medication. But you're right - it is possible.

Thanks for the reply!

Zeraph

Drugs are the answer to getting horny if you're on such. (I'm on similar meds for depression and seizures). Spice and pot get me so horny. Probably because it increases blood flow. Spice is legal, and fairly cheap, just two puffs at first. Try it, you have like 9 bucks to lose. That or go to pharmacy drugs, they have stuff for women, even viagra has shown to be somewhat effective in women (its all about getting the blood flowing so long as you have no other problems with sex).

MSD

If you're in the US, the 5 most common synthetic cannabinoids used in "incense" products including Spice and Zohai were reclassified to Schedule I on December 24.

Also, because of the (possibly causal) correlation between cannabis use and development of full-blown schizophrenia in patients predisposed to it, I would strongly recommend against someone with any serious mental illness (especially when it's pretty well controlled by current prescriptions) using novel cannabinoids that have not been subjected to any medical research.

Zeraph

You know its weird, but I have this semi-secret desire to get schizophrenia. I know its scary to most, and hard on people, but I'd just love the idea of talking to people that aren't there. Call me crazy

ellie

Well I'm glad to come across folks who even know what Spice is.

I smoke pep spice. It's great. And I've tried a few different brands. This one beats them all imo. However I've been dropping $30 / gram. And this site sells it for $20 + free shipping. I've been getting ripped off! Anyways, it doesn't make me horny - just very relaxed. But like I mentioned, opiates do for sure. I just don't want to make it a habit --- like, in order to have sex with him, I need to take 3-4 pills. That happened tonight. I had been binging on them a good bit today. Asked him to stop by on his way home from work and we had an amazing hour or so. All because of those damn pills. bah

Thanks for replying to my thread guys .

---------- Post added at 04:26 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:23 AM ----------

MSD - I just purchased a gram this past Monday, so apparently Pep Spice isn't one that was outlawed. Yay.

zenda

Hi Ellie

Remember this night?

Was this a night when you had the spice? And if not, could you compare and contrast the experience to this recent occasion when you did.

My reason from asking you this is that the MORE you've got your finger on the pulse of what specifically is affecting your response, and how and when, the MORE you'll be able to give your new psychiatrist the precise feedback needed as s/he fine-tunes your new medication.

Take care

ellie

Hey zenda - my online sex journal friend! lol

No, I didn't smoke any that night. It's far from a stimulant of any kind. And not sure if I did mention it, but I'm all over stimulants as opposed to depressants. I smoke the Pep Spice, which is a depressant, usually to wind down in the evenings. And when I do, it takes very little. Some pour themselves a drink after a long day at the office. I spark up some legal herbage. I WISH it affected me like it does Zeraph. But I wouldn't say it makes my drive any worse or better. Just... steady.

zenda

OK. Spice gives a steadying function. Yaaaay. So still cautious optimism that it could be the med-change [and/or none med-related aspects], influencing the present upward trend in your drive itself, and that 'good time' number two may be part of of this trend, rather than a 'standalone due to other causes.' More Yaaaay!

And it is an honor to be your online sex-journal friend -
For me, it's partly, "Pleased to meet you, Ellie", and also because what you're working on resonates in my own life. 4 years ago, I started going out with a lady who lives 5000 miles away - we've still not met. I'm OK with being autoerotic. But my own sex drive went from a constant 5-7 out of 10 to an unpredictable zero-11.
I've been at zero for the last few months, and a bit bothered about it. That's why, when I saw your topic, I've been cheering you on from the sidelines ever since.

xenonman

Why worry ? - Sex is way too overrated, and can thus be a big dissappointment when it finally happens!

ellie

Well then you obviously understand then, huh? Good luck to you and to me.
Ok, you need to create another thread for this one.