Girlfriend has lost her sex drive, and its killing our relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Anonymous Member · 03-07-2010, 11:45 AM

Alright, so the basic situation is as follows:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 4 months. I'm 24, she's 22. Our relationship began very well, sexually we were open to do whatever, whenever, wherever. It was great.

Then, about a year into our relationship, so about 2 years ago, she got the Depo shot for Birth Control. It destroyed her sex drive, and made her really moody. So she got off of that after 6 months, and decided to go on the nuova (spelling) ring. This improved her mood, but her sex drive is still non-existent.
Other birth control options are limited, she really dislikes condoms, and is to forgetful to take the pill on a consistent basis.

Other stuff: She has gotten really particular about certain things, I have to kiss her a certain way, we have to make out in a certain order (this before this, etc), and anything other than sex is out of the question. We used (a long time ago) have fun with bondage stuff, ropes, role-playing, etc but now that's a distant memory.

Theres so much, its hard to condense to a post, here are the cliffnotes:

She doesn't get turned on before or during sex.
She has no sex drive at all.
She doesn't care if we go 2 months without having sex, and doesn't think its important to the relationship.

Really, as I type this out, I'm almost talking myself into breaking up with her. The only problem is, outside of the bedroom, we are a great match. Very similar interests, great conversations, etc. But the problems in the bedroom are just to much at times. We also live together, but there is only 4 months left on the lease, so thats not a huge concern, aside from the absurd level of akwardness that would result.

I dunno, I'm really just looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation.

Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for any help you guys can offer.

LoganSnake · 03-07-2010, 12:45 PM

I could never understand how somebody can dislike condoms so much that they would be willing to jeopardize the relationship over it. I understand it kills the sensitivity for some men, but how exactly does it affect women?

Anyway, if she knows that the BC she's using is killing her sex drive and isn't willing to do anything to rectify it, then you'd probably be better parting ways. At least that's what I'd do.

Grasshopper Green · 03-07-2010, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

I could never understand how somebody can dislike condoms so much that they would be willing to jeopardize the relationship over it. I understand it kills the sensitivity for some men, but how exactly does it affect women?

For lack of a better word, they chafe. No matter how much lube I used, I would be sore for days afterward. They also seemed to make me more susceptible to infections and such.

That aside, have you talked to her about this? Does she know this could be the end of the relationship?

Wes Mantooth · 03-07-2010, 12:56 PM

Yeah I'd have to agree with LoganSnake, if she isn't willing to do anything to fix the problem its time to walk away. I'd sit and have a long talk with her, bring up more or less what you've written here and see how she handles it, if she's willing to try then it sounds like things might be worth working through otherwise I'd say its time to call it quits.

EDIT: Missed the follow up...honestly if thats the case I wouldn't put up with it for a second longer.

Anonymous Member · 03-07-2010, 01:00 PM

We have had extensive talks, hours long. She'll cry, say she doesn't understand why she feels this way, and swears up and down she'll fix it. But nothing ever changes. After 2 days, its back to the same thing.

I care a lot for her..but I can't live like this.

UberDave · 03-07-2010, 01:32 PM

Well, this is a bad situation but your exit strategy if it comes to that is set-up pretty well, with only four months left on the lease. You need to have another conversation with her and discuss the previous conversations where she said things will change but two days later it's back to the same old thing. Tell her she either needs to see her gynecologist and have a frank discussion with him/her to get to the bottom of the problem, or you will have to assume that this isn't important enough to her and you will leave her. Then give her a couple months to find a solution, if she doesn't then you can time the break up to happen shortly before the lease ends.

This sounds cold but the bottom line is that sex is important to you, and if it's not important to her anymore your relationship is doomed. It's just not viable for the long run so you might as well get out sooner rather than later. Good luck.

Toaster126 · 03-07-2010, 04:29 PM

Show her this thread. I don't think she understands how serious this is.

BigIrishApe · 03-07-2010, 04:37 PM

If you are THAT compatible on everything aside from sex, you've got to ask yourself if you can invest the time to work it out. There are many other options available to you aside from "extensive talks, hours long. She'll cry, say she doesn't understand why she feels this way, and swears up and down she'll fix it"

Hormones are crazy, wacky things and they're not something we can "fix" on our own. If you're willing to stick it out with her, at least for the next 4 months and possibly even for the next year if you renew your lease, then she needs to seek help. Sexual therapists, gyno, etc... All kinds of doctors out there who would love to take a shot at what is wrong.

Maybe the birth control is seriously messing with her hormones. Maybe the original shot did something glandular to her that has her all out of balance and the new method isn't helping. Maybe it's something caused by her body evolving and maturing. The point I'm trying to reach here is, you won't know until you ask.

My advice is this... talk to her, no hourlong tear-fest, but just ask if she's willing to get checked out. It's time to take your Man-Pill and go to the gyno with her. Have an open, honest discussion about what is happening. If that avenue exhausts itself, ask for a referral to either a specialist or a sex therapist and go from there.

There are ways to seek help on this situation, but the question you need to ask yourself, and being 100% honest, is "is she worth it?"

Grasshopper Green · 03-08-2010, 08:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigIrishApe

If you are THAT compatible on everything aside from sex, you've got to ask yourself if you can invest the time to work it out. There are many other options available to you aside from "extensive talks, hours long. She'll cry, say she doesn't understand why she feels this way, and swears up and down she'll fix it"

Hormones are crazy, wacky things and they're not something we can "fix" on our own. If you're willing to stick it out with her, at least for the next 4 months and possibly even for the next year if you renew your lease, then she needs to seek help. Sexual therapists, gyno, etc... All kinds of doctors out there who would love to take a shot at what is wrong.

Maybe the birth control is seriously messing with her hormones. Maybe the original shot did something glandular to her that has her all out of balance and the new method isn't helping. Maybe it's something caused by her body evolving and maturing. The point I'm trying to reach here is, you won't know until you ask.

My advice is this... talk to her, no hourlong tear-fest, but just ask if she's willing to get checked out. It's time to take your Man-Pill and go to the gyno with her. Have an open, honest discussion about what is happening. If that avenue exhausts itself, ask for a referral to either a specialist or a sex therapist and go from there.

There are ways to seek help on this situation, but the question you need to ask yourself, and being 100% honest, is "is she worth it?"

This. Should you decide she is worth it, perhaps she should consider an IUD for b/c. It may be difficult to find a doctor who will insert one (I'm going to assume she is childless), but if the hormones are killing her sex drive, it might be an alternative. Good luck either way.

Seeker72 · 03-08-2010, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

we are a great match. Very similar interests, great conversations, etc.

They call them good friends.

Seriously though, as cold as it sounds your best bet just might be as many here have mentioned and that's to break it off.

while sex isn't the be all and end all of life it is a damn enjoyable part of it, for her to go from Bondage Queen to a Nuns life and expect you to just deal means a lot in my opinion.

I pretty much made my mind up right or wrong when I got to the part in your post where you have to make out in a certain way.......dude.....seriously wtf?

I was with a girl several years ago who went down that very same road, it was a hard time and I tried to stick by her but we ended up splitting up and very bitter towards each other.

If she thinks sex isn't important then tell her that pretty much makes you friends and leave on that note still keeping the friendship if possible.

Best of luck!

Starkizzer · 03-08-2010, 10:59 AM

Okay, I was in a very similar situation maybe 6 months ago. No sex drive, sex hurt, I tried a few different forms of bc and nothing changed.

I knew sex was important for im2smrt4u and it wasn't to me before I got off the birth control. So when I had enough money to do it I went and had the Paragaurd IUD inserted.

I have no children, if she finds the right gyno that won't matter. I went to a gyno I trusted and paid out of pocket because insurance would only cover insertion. There is paperwork you can fill out to ask for assistance in paying for the device, they may be able to lower it or use programs to pay for it. I won't lie cramps hurt like a bitch, but it is SO WORTH IT! I just take ibuprophen and I am good.

I have a sex drive again! No more cringing when my hunny comes near me, I pounce on him now. I feel like my old self again. Show her my post and while I know you must have posted anon for a reason, feel free to pm me any questions she may have with the whole process.

Convey to her the issue better get her to understand some how.

Anonymous Member · 03-08-2010, 01:24 PM

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm going to talk to her about an IUD, among other things

.

Xerxys · 03-08-2010, 03:53 PM

Oh goodness, a lot of anxst over a little matter. I understand sex is important but this is both psychological as well as physical. The reason it has gotten out of hand is because the both of you have blown it out of proportion. Make out like this, screw like this, etc etc. Tell her to get off the birth control (It really messes with womens hormones) and see her doctor about managing the pain that accompanies the cycle.

THEN have her exercise (very often, like 4 out of 7 days) and wait for the results. Unfortunately you'll have to be celibate for the better part of her recovery. Shouldn't take more than two months. No more long talks about how this is hurting you and all that bull. You'll have your hand and it's only temporary.

LoganSnake · 03-08-2010, 04:14 PM

Doesn't an IUD mess up your chances of having children in the future if you have never had them?

Anonymous Member · 03-08-2010, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Doesn't an IUD mess up your chances of having children in the future if you have never had them?

She never wants to have kids, ever.

No problem there.

snowy · 03-08-2010, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Doesn't an IUD mess up your chances of having children in the future if you have never had them?

No. A woman on the Paraguard IUD returns to fertility as soon as it is removed. A woman on the Mirena takes slightly longer to return to fertility as Mirena has hormones.

Paragard - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Intrauterine system - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Glory's Sun · 03-09-2010, 05:27 AM

The wife tried Mirena and her body just wouldn't accept it so she had to take it out. She's been on several BC meds after our daughter was born and she can't find one that works without crazy side effects. Our solution? *SNIP* Getting it done on the end of the month. 3 days rest, no more worry about kids or BC.

Hopefully I'll kill 14 stones with one small incision. Mood swings included.

GreyWolf · 03-09-2010, 05:46 AM

I'm surprised no one has suggested anything much beyond the change in bc or checking with the gyno. Has she spoken to anyone else about her lack of desire? I'm sure the gyno would be qualified to discuss medical conditions that might affect her libido, but there's a lot more to sex than the body parts, and a counsellor might be able to find other issues that just talking to you won't uncover.

Geist 420 · 03-16-2010, 01:43 PM

Blame the depo shot.

Depo will KILL her sex drive and it can take up to a year or more to get out of her system depending on time used, body weight, amount of body fat (it holds it longer). Remember, birth control tricks her body into thinking she's pregnant and totally screws with her hormones. If she never wants kids, she should get her tubes tied... it can be reversed if she changes her mind later in life and is just as effective as "normal" birth control and has none of the side effects.

Went through this with my wife... same with a buddy of mine and his girl... took 1.5 years for it to finally clear her system. (There were other signs, not just a lack of sex). Thank God she was aware of it and "tolerated" my hounding.

03-07-2010, 11:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	Girlfriend has lost her sex drive, and its killing our relationship Alright, so the basic situation is as follows: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 4 months. I'm 24, she's 22. Our relationship began very well, sexually we were open to do whatever, whenever, wherever. It was great. Then, about a year into our relationship, so about 2 years ago, she got the Depo shot for Birth Control. It destroyed her sex drive, and made her really moody. So she got off of that after 6 months, and decided to go on the nuova (spelling) ring. This improved her mood, but her sex drive is still non-existent. Other birth control options are limited, she really dislikes condoms, and is to forgetful to take the pill on a consistent basis. Other stuff: She has gotten really particular about certain things, I have to kiss her a certain way, we have to make out in a certain order (this before this, etc), and anything other than sex is out of the question. We used (a long time ago) have fun with bondage stuff, ropes, role-playing, etc but now that's a distant memory. Theres so much, its hard to condense to a post, here are the cliffnotes: She doesn't get turned on before or during sex. She has no sex drive at all. She doesn't care if we go 2 months without having sex, and doesn't think its important to the relationship. Really, as I type this out, I'm almost talking myself into breaking up with her. The only problem is, outside of the bedroom, we are a great match. Very similar interests, great conversations, etc. But the problems in the bedroom are just to much at times. We also live together, but there is only 4 months left on the lease, so thats not a huge concern, aside from the absurd level of akwardness that would result. I dunno, I'm really just looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation. Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance for any help you guys can offer.

03-07-2010, 12:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	I could never understand how somebody can dislike condoms so much that they would be willing to jeopardize the relationship over it. I understand it kills the sensitivity for some men, but how exactly does it affect women? Anyway, if she knows that the BC she's using is killing her sex drive and isn't willing to do anything to rectify it, then you'd probably be better parting ways. At least that's what I'd do. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

03-07-2010, 12:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
Wes Mantooth Junkie Location: Tennessee	Yeah I'd have to agree with LoganSnake, if she isn't willing to do anything to fix the problem its time to walk away. I'd sit and have a long talk with her, bring up more or less what you've written here and see how she handles it, if she's willing to try then it sounds like things might be worth working through otherwise I'd say its time to call it quits. EDIT: Missed the follow up...honestly if thats the case I wouldn't put up with it for a second longer. __________________ “My god I must have missed it...its hell down here!” Last edited by Wes Mantooth; 03-07-2010 at 12:58 PM..

03-07-2010, 04:29 PM	#7 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	Show her this thread. I don't think she understands how serious this is. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

03-08-2010, 10:59 AM	#11 (permalink)
Starkizzer Hi floor! Make me a samwich. Location: Ontario (in the stray cat complex)	Okay, I was in a very similar situation maybe 6 months ago. No sex drive, sex hurt, I tried a few different forms of bc and nothing changed. I knew sex was important for im2smrt4u and it wasn't to me before I got off the birth control. So when I had enough money to do it I went and had the Paragaurd IUD inserted. I have no children, if she finds the right gyno that won't matter. I went to a gyno I trusted and paid out of pocket because insurance would only cover insertion. There is paperwork you can fill out to ask for assistance in paying for the device, they may be able to lower it or use programs to pay for it. I won't lie cramps hurt like a bitch, but it is SO WORTH IT! I just take ibuprophen and I am good. I have a sex drive again! No more cringing when my hunny comes near me, I pounce on him now. I feel like my old self again. Show her my post and while I know you must have posted anon for a reason, feel free to pm me any questions she may have with the whole process. Convey to her the issue better get her to understand some how. __________________ Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

03-07-2010, 01:00 PM	#5 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	We have had extensive talks, hours long. She'll cry, say she doesn't understand why she feels this way, and swears up and down she'll fix it. But nothing ever changes. After 2 days, its back to the same thing. I care a lot for her..but I can't live like this.

03-07-2010, 01:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
UberDave Upright Location: Oregon	Well, this is a bad situation but your exit strategy if it comes to that is set-up pretty well, with only four months left on the lease. You need to have another conversation with her and discuss the previous conversations where she said things will change but two days later it's back to the same old thing. Tell her she either needs to see her gynecologist and have a frank discussion with him/her to get to the bottom of the problem, or you will have to assume that this isn't important enough to her and you will leave her. Then give her a couple months to find a solution, if she doesn't then you can time the break up to happen shortly before the lease ends. This sounds cold but the bottom line is that sex is important to you, and if it's not important to her anymore your relationship is doomed. It's just not viable for the long run so you might as well get out sooner rather than later. Good luck.

03-07-2010, 04:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
BigIrishApe Upright	If you are THAT compatible on everything aside from sex, you've got to ask yourself if you can invest the time to work it out. There are many other options available to you aside from "extensive talks, hours long. She'll cry, say she doesn't understand why she feels this way, and swears up and down she'll fix it" Hormones are crazy, wacky things and they're not something we can "fix" on our own. If you're willing to stick it out with her, at least for the next 4 months and possibly even for the next year if you renew your lease, then she needs to seek help. Sexual therapists, gyno, etc... All kinds of doctors out there who would love to take a shot at what is wrong. Maybe the birth control is seriously messing with her hormones. Maybe the original shot did something glandular to her that has her all out of balance and the new method isn't helping. Maybe it's something caused by her body evolving and maturing. The point I'm trying to reach here is, you won't know until you ask. My advice is this... talk to her, no hourlong tear-fest, but just ask if she's willing to get checked out. It's time to take your Man-Pill and go to the gyno with her. Have an open, honest discussion about what is happening. If that avenue exhausts itself, ask for a referral to either a specialist or a sex therapist and go from there. There are ways to seek help on this situation, but the question you need to ask yourself, and being 100% honest, is "is she worth it?"

03-08-2010, 01:24 PM	#12 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to talk to her about an IUD, among other things .

03-08-2010, 03:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
Xerxys Junkie Location: My head.	Oh goodness, a lot of anxst over a little matter. I understand sex is important but this is both psychological as well as physical. The reason it has gotten out of hand is because the both of you have blown it out of proportion. Make out like this, screw like this, etc etc. Tell her to get off the birth control (It really messes with womens hormones) and see her doctor about managing the pain that accompanies the cycle. THEN have her exercise (very often, like 4 out of 7 days) and wait for the results. Unfortunately you'll have to be celibate for the better part of her recovery. Shouldn't take more than two months. No more long talks about how this is hurting you and all that bull. You'll have your hand and it's only temporary.

03-08-2010, 04:14 PM	#14 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Doesn't an IUD mess up your chances of having children in the future if you have never had them? __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

03-09-2010, 05:27 AM	#17 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	The wife tried Mirena and her body just wouldn't accept it so she had to take it out. She's been on several BC meds after our daughter was born and she can't find one that works without crazy side effects. Our solution? SNIP Getting it done on the end of the month. 3 days rest, no more worry about kids or BC. Hopefully I'll kill 14 stones with one small incision. Mood swings included.

03-09-2010, 05:46 AM	#18 (permalink)
GreyWolf Sober Location: Eastern Canada	I'm surprised no one has suggested anything much beyond the change in bc or checking with the gyno. Has she spoken to anyone else about her lack of desire? I'm sure the gyno would be qualified to discuss medical conditions that might affect her libido, but there's a lot more to sex than the body parts, and a counsellor might be able to find other issues that just talking to you won't uncover. __________________ *The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.*

03-16-2010, 01:43 PM	#19 (permalink)
Geist 420 Insane Location: SF Bay Area	Blame the depo shot. Depo will KILL her sex drive and it can take up to a year or more to get out of her system depending on time used, body weight, amount of body fat (it holds it longer). Remember, birth control tricks her body into thinking she's pregnant and totally screws with her hormones. If she never wants kids, she should get her tubes tied... it can be reversed if she changes her mind later in life and is just as effective as "normal" birth control and has none of the side effects. Went through this with my wife... same with a buddy of mine and his girl... took 1.5 years for it to finally clear her system. (There were other signs, not just a lack of sex). Thank God she was aware of it and "tolerated" my hounding.