rcjhKU1988

Situation: My fiance and I are having a rough time with our sex life. We've been living together for 8 months, we're previously together before that for an additional 3 months. I'm 29, she's 24. Background on me...I lost my virginity at 21 in college and had a sexual relationship at that point but after that ended I went 7 years without sex. Crazy, I know. It wasn't a vow or anything to not do it - I just didn't want to deal with it until I met somebody who I really felt a connection with, where...not to sound too prude, but where it really meant something. I'm a guy - I feel lust and horniness all the time. I just dealt with it through masturbation and fantasies.

Thus, as it is easy to imagine, I became somewhat shy when it comes to sex. I'd consider myself to be attractive to the opposite sex however. My fiance is without a doubt a "hottie". Great body, dresses sexy and could have any guy she wants really. My fiance and I initially didn't have sex for a few weeks after meeting but when things really started to click and I thought she was the one, it became a sexual relationship. She was the aggressive one naturally. I will say she has had plenty of sexual experience with other men. I consider that the sex was good, or at least, she said it was. That my penis was perfect and big and e-mails about wanting to have sex later in the day and that she never failed to orgasm except for the very first time we had sex.

So all was well, or at least I thought. I did notice a few things. First, she's very particular about when we have sex. She liked to talk about it, but we never really had spontaneous sex in crazy places. Second, we always did the same couple of positions; missionary and me on my back. Third, the sex usually didn't last that long - she point blank told me the first few times that she didn't like to have all night sessions, that she could control her orgasm and usually didn't need to go that long.

Because of my history, or lackthereof, I just kinda let things continue. Then she moved into my place and the troubles really began. I have a dog, and the dog was always a huge issue. Whenever we had sex, the dog would of course come into the room or start scraping on the door. So now I had to make sure the dog was gone whenever we wanted to have sex. And this in turn, made it feel like to her, as a woman, that we were "scheduling" sex. Which was a big turn-off for her. So the frequency of sex started to get low. This made us both unhappy and irritated. I sometimes got pissy about it.

Finally, the truth came out - for her I wasn't being "the man" in the relationship and being aggressive enough. And I can see, looking back, how this happened. But for my part, I thought she was a partner who would be proactive in leading us to explore new things because she had the experience. And she's grown so irritated with things that she is now never in the mood. And she admits, that if I were now suddenly to become more aggressive about things, it would be unnatural for her because that's not how she knows me. The dog is no longer an issue in that even when the dog is gone, there is no atmosphere for sex to happen. And the kicker is that I have always been a romantic guy....flowers, dinner, jewelry, surprises...I love being affectionate and really where my heart on my sleeve, even when sex is not involved. But it's gotten so bad that she doesn't even want to go on dates or anything to help build the flame of passion back up. She doesn't want to deal with it and is pessimistic about things ever getting fixed because of who we are. And we both agree this relationship will end if nothing is fixed and that would be sad, because we both love each other dearly.

So, I'm looking for any advice. I would love to become more sexually aggressive with her, but how to you reach a partner who has lost interest and doesn't have the energy to build it back up? I know that a large part of this was me being passive and letting things get to this point. Talking about it with her just makes her more frustrated and down about the situation. Should I just be aggressive anyways now although she says that is going to be unnatural for her? What else can I do at this point?

Bear Cub

Doesn't sound like it's just an issue of being sexually aggressive, but aggressive period. She's 24, and she wants a bad boy, not a pansy romantic. She's bored, and looking for a way out.


Personally, I'd just "take" her one night. That way, even if it doesn't work, at least you got one last romp out of the deal.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Jozrael

That sounds like a nightmare. I'd be flipping running.

Of course, my girlfriend can act like that too. But she gets over it (with help). -Quickly-. If I was with anyone moping in 'woe is me' town for extended periods of time (without good reason) they'd be out the door.

jewels

Sorry, but I say move on.

First of all, why would you get rid of your dog to be with your woman? That's the first reason. I've dated guys with dogs and knew it was a given that the dog will jump on the bed when we're having sex. If I don't like it, we have sex elsewhere. The relationship wouldn't be able to move forward because I would never ask a man to give up something that's important to him.

Secondly, she's already made up her mind. There's nothing you can say or do once she's gone the other way.

She's just not that into you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and deserve better. Find someone who is and use what you've learned from this relationship to work at a better one that's coming just around the corner.

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Mark Twain

Cynthetiq

Any relationship can be saved if people are willing to work at it. Work requires things like compromise, communication, acceptance, et. al.

Here's the crux, it won't stop here. You're going to need this as you continue the journey into a married couple, and then even further as you guys build a life and or family together.

If she's not willing to work on it now... .what will she not work on in the future?

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Xerxys

BINGO!

I say do as bear cub says and do it all the time. Go to her work place, pull her out of the office, park in a secluded spot and have her do some illegal things to you. Don't discuss it before hand.

All in all, be aggressive!! Really be aggressive, save porn clips on your iPhone and channel all perverted thoughts towards jumping her at all times. You are male, you can do this. Do this and never stop, EVAR!!

If that doesn't work, ditch her. But keep the libido high!! And do it to someone who will like it.

Borla

Agreed. She wants an aggressive, take charge guy. Or at least she thinks she does right now. You sound more like a laid back, passive type of guy. You either need to start asserting yourself in a major way (which may very well backfire since she isn't used to you being like that), or you need to realize that you probably aren't compatible.

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JStrider

yah... listen to bear cub!

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-=JStrider=-

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cker

Sounds like she's written this one off. If she's disengaged from the relationship (sounds like it) then aggression at this point may not work. Still, break-up sex is the most honest sex for some people

If the dogs are a problem next time, look into kennels. I can order mine into the kennel with two words and then they are out of the picture. That doesn't address the lots of other issues, but the dog issue is easy. As for getting rid of the dogs... I can't imagine that. A woman being anti-dog has always been a dealbreaker but I can certainly understand not wanting audience participation from the pets.

Shell

(the above quote is edited by me for my own pleasure...)
....dahling, forget the fiance...my number is 555-333-2222

__________________
..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

ratbastid

Sex issues are rarely about the sex. There's deeper problems of communication and trust here--it's just that sex is one of the most brittle parts of a relationship, so it's where the problems show up first.

vinceco252

^Do you just cut and paste this? You have to use it often enough that typing it could cause carpal tunnel...

rcjhKU1988

Thanks for the insights. Part of me thinks it would be best...instead of doing a long-drawn out end just to cut it off right now. Problem is our lives are so intertwined right now. It's like she is distancing herself as much as she can right now but can't pull the trigger on ending anything herself because even with the shit hitting the fan I still treat her like gold. I get none of the affection/attention I crave yet I still make her breakfast and dinner, still help her with her schoolwork, still am there for her whenever she needs help or anything. And I know it sounds stupid for me to do this but that's just who I am and I know that's what is holding things together right now. I know my at times my unrealistic optimism and laid-back attitude pisses her off. Because it makes her feel like the guilty one. And she also thinks because I don't like to fight or yell or get angry that I lack passion, imo. What does piss me off is that I feel like she's a totally different person than the one who I fell in love with. She wanted me so bad, wanted my commitment realizing what type of guy I was...then she got it and realized she was still 24 and didn't want to be tied down. Could be that she's just at a selfish, immature stage in life or could be she is realizing she doesn't want to be tied down period. Dunno.

Two sides to every story of course, I'm certainly learning on the fly as this has been obviously the most serious relationship I have ever been in.

---------- Post added at 11:26 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:24 AM ----------

Nah just a stream of consciousness, never posted anything on any message board like this in my life.

Cynthetiq

Codependency FTW!!!!

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

rcjhKU1988

Jesus christ, I love when right when I convince myself that I should still be positive about things the following "conversation happens"

Me: What are you doing?
Fiance: Just watering the bamboo plant out front that I asked you to water the other day and you didn't
Me: Oh, crap. Sorry about that.
Fiance: (Sarcastic wink) It's ok, you don't do a lot of the stuff I ask you to do.
Me: You really think that? (Noting in my head that this morning when she woke up she wanted breakfast so I ran to the grocery store and made her fruit crepes)
Fiance: Yes, we just have different priorities on what is important. You do stuff you think makes me happy whereas I'm more concerned about things like watering the plants which cost money. Anyways, I'm going to the pool. Bye.



Yeah, I'd say to let this drag on is only going to be more torture for me.

---------- Post added at 11:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:34 AM ----------

Something I am working on with my psychologist right now I realize I am...it's almost a shame thing for me at this stage because I'm a dude. I had problems accepting it.

Bear Cub

I'd take that plant and slap her in the face with it.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Shell

...RC, you're a good guy. You deserve a woman who will adore you as much as you adore her...your soulmate is out there...don't waste your time any longer or you may miss her. Unrequieted loves' a bore.

...a good gauge for a relationship is...if you're not happy at least 90% of the time then it's time to go find a relationship in which you are

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Puttz

The whole purpose of dating / an engagement period is to make sure you are compatible. My wife and I have been together 9 years, married four of those years. Sure we have different priorities at times, and we get on each others nerves etc but never to the point where I thought that our relationship wasn't worth the effort or not working out.

If that was an isolated incident (the plant) then maybe she was just having a bad mood day, or maybe she didn't mean any harm by it... but if that is typical of your days, if you spend more time arguing than you spend doing things happy together then you might consider it's time to break it off.

You need to seriously sit down and talk with her, let her know you are having doubts, getting concerned, find out how she's feeling about everything, and really determine whether or not this engagement will result in a happy long-term marriage. Remember, I DO is supposed to be forever, through thick and thin.

(lol it seems like I'm on a counseling kick based on my last few posts) but if you have any affiliations with any churches or anything like that they almost always have pre-marriage counseling, where a learned advisor can help you work out current issues, give you tools for coping with issues, and in general prepare you to tie the knot.

Shaindra

Yeah, the co-dependency thing is definitely at work here. The more you try to do more, the less she feels compelled to do, but even worse, the less she feels attraction to you.

This is on dealing with the co-dependency from a male perspective (as most books on the topic are definitely aimed at females.)

Keep up with the therapy. Your relationship with this woman may be beyond saving, but *you* are not. In the meantime quit trying to please her and focus more on pleasing yourself. Who knows, the change in your behavior towards her might be enough to wake her up and wonder what's going on.

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james t kirk

Time to pack it in buddy. Immediately. The only tie that should cause you to hesitate would be the two of you having children together. Since that isn't the case, move on and she'll probably respect you more.

You do sound a bit pussy-whipped actually. If nothing else, learn from your mistakes.

dlish

thats where you're wrong bear.

id take my cock and slap her with it..then i'd shove that plant up her ass

ok maybe not, but it sounded good.

i say cut your losses bud. she;s not for you. she's just young and bored and probably has another boyfriend

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Bear Cub

I stand corrected, and side with you whole-heartedly.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Acetylene

Wow, she cares about "plants and things that cost money." Yeah, cut and run.

I'm sorry you had to experience this, mate, but you can still find a woman who will love you. Case in point - my ex-roommate is a dominant woman who loves to receive attentiveness in the form of meals and affectionate words and desperately wanted babies, and her husband wanted a strong woman who would appreciate him and provide children. Tah-dah! There is someone for everyone.

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ratbastid

Well, that's really the thing, the learning.

Ever wonder what the common factor is in all your failed relationships? Look in the mirror.

Iliftrocks

Sorry dude, this is where you need to be aggressive and tell her to fuck off. Quit doing anything for her and tell her to find a new place to live. She's just being an ass now.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Strange Famous

Well, hark at me giving relationship advice

But the thing is, if you make yourself into something you arent really to fit in with someone,theres a good chance you'll end up resenting them for it.

I think one of the main issues in compatability is having different levels of sex drives. If it is just that you dont feel conifdent enough to be front foot about sex, but when given a little nudge you feel very comfortable with it - thats good news.

But if you are with someone and the two of you just really want to screw different amounts of times or fundamentally different ways - its always going to be an issue - and you have to really think does the emotional side make it woth the compromise.

Anyone here can give you advice, or you can think of yourself, how to screw your broad in a certain style that might suit her feelings - but if at the end of the day when you do it you just feel like an actor - thats a big issue.

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Dfewer

Males and females have two major problems selecting each other for long term relationships. Our selections are marred by over-prioritized traits.

Males are attracted to women's physical beauty in a disporportion to their desired behavioral traits. Would you rather marry an ugly woman who you loves you unquestionably or a beautiful bitch? Logically, the devotional woman will do more for your long term happiness, so how come the beatiful body and face is still such a tempting offer? Isn't this the equivalent to choosing your next car based on its paint color? What men want and what men need are often involved in this classic conflict.

In a similar way, a fair few females are attracted by male confidence and dominance. It's one of those things built in, one they may not be able to explain themselves. This is why some women like "bad boys." They are the ones giving orders, not taking crap from anyone, and being spontaneous. This is attractive to women at a base level and does not conform to rules of logic or personality selection. What many women fail to grasp is that this is exactly as shallow as men prioritizing women by beauty. Eventually she will tell her bad boy"No" but it doesn't stop him because she picked a guy who won't take crap from anyone. What some women want and what they need are often in conflict.

RC this relates to you because as you stand your fiance may very well fall into the above category. The stupid part is that she chose correctly to be with you. You care about here, that is obvious. Not only do you do stuff for her because you want to, you are consistent, wouldn't think of violence towards her, and loyal. You are what she needs. Unfortunately, it appears you are not what she wants.

Your situation would be the equivalent if she caught you looking at better looking women and asked "Do you want me to work out more so I could look like her?" and you sighed and roboticly responded "no honey, I think you look fine how you are now."