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rcjhKU1988 · 07-04-2009, 12:16 PM

Situation: My fiance and I are having a rough time with our sex life. We've been living together for 8 months, we're previously together before that for an additional 3 months. I'm 29, she's 24. Background on me...I lost my virginity at 21 in college and had a sexual relationship at that point but after that ended I went 7 years without sex. Crazy, I know. It wasn't a vow or anything to not do it - I just didn't want to deal with it until I met somebody who I really felt a connection with, where...not to sound too prude, but where it really meant something. I'm a guy - I feel lust and horniness all the time. I just dealt with it through masturbation and fantasies.

Thus, as it is easy to imagine, I became somewhat shy when it comes to sex. I'd consider myself to be attractive to the opposite sex however. My fiance is without a doubt a "hottie". Great body, dresses sexy and could have any guy she wants really. My fiance and I initially didn't have sex for a few weeks after meeting but when things really started to click and I thought she was the one, it became a sexual relationship. She was the aggressive one naturally. I will say she has had plenty of sexual experience with other men. I consider that the sex was good, or at least, she said it was. That my penis was perfect and big and e-mails about wanting to have sex later in the day and that she never failed to orgasm except for the very first time we had sex.

So all was well, or at least I thought. I did notice a few things. First, she's very particular about when we have sex. She liked to talk about it, but we never really had spontaneous sex in crazy places. Second, we always did the same couple of positions; missionary and me on my back. Third, the sex usually didn't last that long - she point blank told me the first few times that she didn't like to have all night sessions, that she could control her orgasm and usually didn't need to go that long.

Because of my history, or lackthereof, I just kinda let things continue. Then she moved into my place and the troubles really began. I have a dog, and the dog was always a huge issue. Whenever we had sex, the dog would of course come into the room or start scraping on the door. So now I had to make sure the dog was gone whenever we wanted to have sex. And this in turn, made it feel like to her, as a woman, that we were "scheduling" sex. Which was a big turn-off for her. So the frequency of sex started to get low. This made us both unhappy and irritated. I sometimes got pissy about it.

Finally, the truth came out - for her I wasn't being "the man" in the relationship and being aggressive enough. And I can see, looking back, how this happened. But for my part, I thought she was a partner who would be proactive in leading us to explore new things because she had the experience. And she's grown so irritated with things that she is now never in the mood. And she admits, that if I were now suddenly to become more aggressive about things, it would be unnatural for her because that's not how she knows me. The dog is no longer an issue in that even when the dog is gone, there is no atmosphere for sex to happen. And the kicker is that I have always been a romantic guy....flowers, dinner, jewelry, surprises...I love being affectionate and really where my heart on my sleeve, even when sex is not involved. But it's gotten so bad that she doesn't even want to go on dates or anything to help build the flame of passion back up. She doesn't want to deal with it and is pessimistic about things ever getting fixed because of who we are. And we both agree this relationship will end if nothing is fixed and that would be sad, because we both love each other dearly.

So, I'm looking for any advice. I would love to become more sexually aggressive with her, but how to you reach a partner who has lost interest and doesn't have the energy to build it back up? I know that a large part of this was me being passive and letting things get to this point. Talking about it with her just makes her more frustrated and down about the situation. Should I just be aggressive anyways now although she says that is going to be unnatural for her? What else can I do at this point?

07-04-2009, 12:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
rcjhKU1988 Upright	Can this relationship be saved? Situation: My fiance and I are having a rough time with our sex life. We've been living together for 8 months, we're previously together before that for an additional 3 months. I'm 29, she's 24. Background on me...I lost my virginity at 21 in college and had a sexual relationship at that point but after that ended I went 7 years without sex. Crazy, I know. It wasn't a vow or anything to not do it - I just didn't want to deal with it until I met somebody who I really felt a connection with, where...not to sound too prude, but where it really meant something. I'm a guy - I feel lust and horniness all the time. I just dealt with it through masturbation and fantasies. Thus, as it is easy to imagine, I became somewhat shy when it comes to sex. I'd consider myself to be attractive to the opposite sex however. My fiance is without a doubt a "hottie". Great body, dresses sexy and could have any guy she wants really. My fiance and I initially didn't have sex for a few weeks after meeting but when things really started to click and I thought she was the one, it became a sexual relationship. She was the aggressive one naturally. I will say she has had plenty of sexual experience with other men. I consider that the sex was good, or at least, she said it was. That my penis was perfect and big and e-mails about wanting to have sex later in the day and that she never failed to orgasm except for the very first time we had sex. So all was well, or at least I thought. I did notice a few things. First, she's very particular about when we have sex. She liked to talk about it, but we never really had spontaneous sex in crazy places. Second, we always did the same couple of positions; missionary and me on my back. Third, the sex usually didn't last that long - she point blank told me the first few times that she didn't like to have all night sessions, that she could control her orgasm and usually didn't need to go that long. Because of my history, or lackthereof, I just kinda let things continue. Then she moved into my place and the troubles really began. I have a dog, and the dog was always a huge issue. Whenever we had sex, the dog would of course come into the room or start scraping on the door. So now I had to make sure the dog was gone whenever we wanted to have sex. And this in turn, made it feel like to her, as a woman, that we were "scheduling" sex. Which was a big turn-off for her. So the frequency of sex started to get low. This made us both unhappy and irritated. I sometimes got pissy about it. Finally, the truth came out - for her I wasn't being "the man" in the relationship and being aggressive enough. And I can see, looking back, how this happened. But for my part, I thought she was a partner who would be proactive in leading us to explore new things because she had the experience. And she's grown so irritated with things that she is now never in the mood. And she admits, that if I were now suddenly to become more aggressive about things, it would be unnatural for her because that's not how she knows me. The dog is no longer an issue in that even when the dog is gone, there is no atmosphere for sex to happen. And the kicker is that I have always been a romantic guy....flowers, dinner, jewelry, surprises...I love being affectionate and really where my heart on my sleeve, even when sex is not involved. But it's gotten so bad that she doesn't even want to go on dates or anything to help build the flame of passion back up. She doesn't want to deal with it and is pessimistic about things ever getting fixed because of who we are. And we both agree this relationship will end if nothing is fixed and that would be sad, because we both love each other dearly. So, I'm looking for any advice. I would love to become more sexually aggressive with her, but how to you reach a partner who has lost interest and doesn't have the energy to build it back up? I know that a large part of this was me being passive and letting things get to this point. Talking about it with her just makes her more frustrated and down about the situation. Should I just be aggressive anyways now although she says that is going to be unnatural for her? What else can I do at this point?