Women and "Settling" in a Relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

james t kirk · 10-05-2008, 05:50 AM

There is a thread in the Ladies Lounge about Women and their views on Settling. (I.e. pairing up with a man who they feel isn't really all that they want, however, they don't want to spend the rest of their life alone, so they "settle". Since I'm a boy, I can't respond in the Ladies Lounge, but I thought I'd but in my 2 cents anyway and start a new thread here.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/ladies-...-settling.html

The word "settling" as taken within the context of a relationship is mainly a word that women use. You won't hear a bunch of men gossiping away saying, "Boy, he really settled for her. He could have done so much better" Men just don't look at it that way. We will comment on another guy's relationship sure. For example, "Man, he married a bitch". But that's about it. Generally you just figure that your friend is happy and so be it.

Women on the other hand, they never stop worrying about "settling". They are constantly analyzing and re-analyzing their relationship. They can convince themselves of just about anything it would seem.

I had been using an Internet Dating site for a time. I've met some women and dated a few for various lengths of time. The one thing I find funny is how often I will actually read right in a woman' s profile, "I won't settle", or my all time favourite, "I subscribe to the idea of "Better off Alone than poorly Accompanied"" I know the second one because she actually sent me an email. My golden rule is never respond to a woman who has anything in her profile about "settling". But, "Better off Alone than Poorly Accompanied" - that just took the cake. I sent her a note back saying that I wasn't interested and the reason was that anyone who said anything so crass in her profile as that was not someone I'd be interested in. (She blocked me from any further communications.

)

In my experiences using Lavalife, I am amazed at the number of late 30's early 40's women who have never been married, never lived with anyone, who state, "I won't settle" I guess they feel that they are somehow deserving of the THEE perfect male. I have news - He doesn't exist.

I wonder if this was the same say 40 or 50 years ago, or this is a product of our times. Women are able to make their own living. (A good thing.) They don't need to depend on any man anymore (also a good thing), but they now keep searching and searching for The Perfect Man. It's a futile search.

I also wonder if it's a thing more prevalent in single women in their mid 30's and 40's? Do 20 somethings also say, "I won't settle" or are they still young enough that they are not as jaded as their older sisters?

I find the photo below amusing. Not for its content, but rather for the different reactions it causes between the sexes.

Women think it's funny because it describes how the supply of men out there really is that pitiful.

Men think it's funny because it shows how unrealistic women's expectations are these days and how stubborn they are in finding "The Perfect Man"

KirStang · 10-05-2008, 10:46 AM

Never really thought of a relationship as, "settling." Rather, it was, to me, two individuals mutually enjoying each other's company. Wouldn't be too fond of a woman that constantly thinks she deserves better.

I mean, I enjoy pleasing my significant other, but when they think, 'i can do better than you'.....Ugh.

Xerxys · 10-05-2008, 06:31 PM

BULL!! Has no one ever dated someone and thought, "what hit me again??" I believe in people who have settled. Men and Women, I know I sound overly opinionated but when it just shows..............

curiousbear · 10-05-2008, 07:47 PM

I have nothing good enough to say here. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable, unacceptible and miserable to be a man...

Jozrael · 10-05-2008, 07:47 PM

I don't really get your point.

ASU2003 · 10-05-2008, 08:52 PM

I don't know what the girls are looking for or where they are looking. But, some of them have pretty petty deal-breakers that don't mean much in the overall picture.

Then again, There are plenty of guys that are in relationships that I can't understand why any woman would want to stay or put up with him. Maybe they settled and are happy to be with someone. I know that there are some girls I could never be with, even if she wanted me. But, I would be willing to be in a relationship and most likely happy if I can feel comfortable and have fun, even if there may be a perfect girl out there somewhere.

Here is a article that talks about women in their 30s and how they should look for different guys they haven't thought about before. Then again, if women in their teens-20s did this like they did in the 40s/50s, you might see more long-term marriages and less divorce because there were mile-high perfectionist expectations.
Marry Him!

Then there are a few jokes about this:

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

ItWasMe · 10-05-2008, 11:55 PM

Funny. In this Cosmo article, written by a guy I think, which came up on Yahoo's front page today,

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig -- Yahoo! Personals

It says:

"Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real."

This is what women are often accused of doing. Are you guys saying that men don't do this? Because that's what I'm hearing from the first few posts. I haven't heard many men talk that way, but I have heard it. Usually it was based on her looks.

MrFriendly · 10-06-2008, 03:17 AM

I don't particularly like the idea of being someone a woman just 'settles' for. Kinda says "I don't don't really love you, but you'll do." FUCK. THAT. SHIT!

And that flows both ways. If I'm going to seriously commit to someone then I want it to come from a genuine place.

Poppinjay · 10-06-2008, 03:59 AM

I believe the majority response on that other thread is, "what's settling? Nobody's perfect."

If some Edith is on a dating site saying she won't settle or give quarter to any kind of fault, then she'll be there for a long time. I don't know many people who place personals and consider themselves the catch of a lifetime.

In fact, I don't know anybody who considers themselves that beyond the age of 25. I'm not, in no way. I think your response, Captain Kirk, was 100% correct, and I envy your fancy chair. Any woman would be crazy to pass such a luxury up.

abaya · 10-06-2008, 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

Women on the other hand, they never stop worrying about "settling". They are constantly analyzing and re-analyzing their relationship. They can convince themselves of just about anything it would seem.

I've already said my piece about what I think about this "settling" bullshit, on the women's thread.

However, I will say that I don't appreciate your generalizations, especially because your tone comes across as being pointedly misogynistic.

jewels · 10-06-2008, 04:01 AM

If you're saying "settling" means taking whatever's available, are you willing to do that?

It's a crock. Younger women may have an ideal, but when they say "I won't settle...", in my experience they're talking about specific criteria, maybe. Why would you take offense at a woman who, for example, won't take a guy who's not at least as intelligent as she is? Or a guy who doesn't communicate? Sometimes men take things too literally.

If you read the Ladies' thread, I don't think it was often referring to settling for less than perfect. For me, older and wiser, I'm more open minded. I dropped the "tall dark and handsome" a long, long time ago. But he's got to at least be sharp, self-sufficient and able to communicate. Anything less wouldn't even be settling. I'm sure a majority of the ladies would agree that they have at least a few items on their list. From what you've posted since I've been around, you've got some criteria yourself.

I doubt you'd deviate from that.

ASU2003 · 10-06-2008, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

This is what women are often accused of doing. Are you guys saying that men don't do this? Because that's what I'm hearing from the first few posts. I haven't heard many men talk that way, but I have heard it. Usually it was based on her looks.

I know many more people that have married the first person they have dated (both men & women) than who have played the field. I don't think they settled, they just found someone they are happy with and who treat them well.

Jozrael · 10-06-2008, 04:54 AM

abaya · 10-06-2008, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASU2003

I know many more people that have married the first person they have dated (both men & women) than who have played the field. I don't think they settled, they just found someone they are happy with and who treat them well.

Yup, me too.

james t kirk · 10-06-2008, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

I've already said my piece about what I think about this "settling" bullshit, on the women's thread.

However, I will say that I don't appreciate your generalizations, especially because your tone comes across as being pointedly misogynistic.

You're overly sensitive, as evidenced by your throwing out the "misogynistic" label, especially considering that this thread stems from a thread on the Ladies Lounge. Obviously it's something women think about, as evidenced by the original thread, women I've met, and women I've corresponded with.

As to generalizations, life is full of them. That's how humans operate.

shakran · 10-06-2008, 08:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

You're overly sensitive, as evidenced by your throwing out the "misogynistic" label, especially considering that this thread stems from a thread on the Ladies Lounge.

No, she's not. "Women on the other hand, they never stop worrying about "settling" is a very generalized statement that by simple rules of grammar of which I am sure you are aware, encompasses all women. Perhaps it's a mild form of misogyny, but misogyny it is indeed.

Quote:

Obviously it's something women think about, as evidenced by the original thread, women I've met, and women I've corresponded with.

I am only assuming here, but I do not believe you have met or corresponded with every woman on the planet. Therefore perhaps "Some women never stop worrying. . . " would have been a much more lucid and clear argument.

It is the all-encompassing generalization of women that Abaya, and for that matter, I myself, object to.

Quote:

As to generalizations, life is full of them. That's how humans operate.

Perhaps, but why is it any better to generalize "worrying about settling" to all women than it is to generalize something about, say, black people? One is racist, the other, blatantly sexist.

jewels · 10-06-2008, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

You're overly sensitive, as evidenced by your throwing out the "misogynistic" label, especially considering that this thread stems from a thread on the Ladies Lounge. Obviously it's something women think about, as evidenced by the original thread, women I've met, and women I've corresponded with.

Maybe you're overly sensitive on the other side because you make generalizations about women and expect them to respond to you positively? Within the thread at the LL, the meaning of "settling" was more the discussion point than rejecting men because they're not perfect. Why spin it?

If the women you meet are from LavaLounge, you might want to consider a new source. What you see is tainted by the ones you meet and what you want to believe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

As to generalizations, life is full of them. That's how humans operate.

I see you've had your Wheaties today.

Humans? Isn't that a general statement? It's funny; I've always heard that those who speak in generalizations do so because they have nothing to say. Generally speaking, that is.

abaya · 10-06-2008, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shakran

I am only assuming here, but I do not believe you have met or corresponded with every woman on the planet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels

If the women you meet are from LavaLounge, you might want to consider a new source. What you see is tainted by the ones you meet and what you want to believe.

Looks like the others beat me to the reply... thanks. I emphasize the above statements, even though I have said the same thing many times before in response to your previous threads over the years that have made sweeping generalizations about "all women." I'll just keep saying it.

Also, case in point: if it's "human" to make generalizations, isn't it then okay for me to generalize that "all humans love to hunt and eat cute animals for pleasure?"--including seals and dolphins, which I remember quite well from your previous threads you have strongly "sensitive" feelings about? No, it would not be okay to make that generalization, because you (as do many other people) prove that generalization wrong, and it's more respectful to say "some people like to hunt and eat cute animals, some don't." Just because I don't have a problem with hunting and eating seals and dolphins doesn't empower me to go around saying that anyone who does have a problem is oversensitive. It's a matter of selecting language that will be respectful towards others' views while sharing one's own, which is what TFP is about.

ItWasMe · 10-07-2008, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASU2003

I know many more people that have married the first person they have dated (both men & women) than who have played the field. I don't think they settled, they just found someone they are happy with and who treat them well.

It's nice to hear they found someone they are happy with.

As I basically said in the ladies lounge, shopping for men is like shopping for curtains (I bought some recently). http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/ladies-...ml#post2521271 It's okay to know what you prefer, and it's okay to know what you absolutely cannot live with. I do have deal breakers, but they are mostly about being kind. I don't want a man that is so moody that I am stressed every single time he walks into the room, wondering what is going to happen. I know from personal experience that makes life too stressful for me, and I am not happy. I absolutely love the company of an easy-going nice guy. You know, the ones that people say never get the girls because they are nice.

It's okay if they don't make every single point on your 'wish list' if you have one. The important point is if you love them the way they are, for who/what they are, and not feeling shortchanged.

MrFriendly · 10-09-2008, 02:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

I absolutely love the company of an easy-going nice guy. You know, the ones that people say never get the girls because they are nice.

I don't not get the girls because I'm nice

I don't get the girls because.....

.... actually let me get back to you on that one, still trying to work that one out :P

Hyacinthe · 10-09-2008, 03:17 AM

Quote:

You won't hear a bunch of men gossiping away saying, "Boy, he really settled for her. He could have done so much better" Men just don't look at it that way. We will comment on another guy's relationship sure. For example, "Man, he married a bitch". But that's about it. Generally you just figure that your friend is happy and so be it.

I call BS

Most of my friends are guys and they most definitely DO do this exact thing. They will sit around for hours talking about a girl that one of their joint friends is seeing and how he could do better then her, discussing her flaws and how the two of them will never be happy together.

This is not a purely female thing

But then again I am one of those women you hate - I will not settle. I will not commit myself to a relationship that doesn't make me happy simply because I am afraid of ending up alone. There are just some things that I could not live with and I have no intention of trying.

and MrFriendly you know very well I can't answer that question

Poppinjay · 10-09-2008, 03:22 AM

Quote:

As I basically said in the ladies lounge, shopping for men is like shopping for curtains

You like them both well-hung?

Sorry, I just had to go there.

Cynosure · 10-09-2008, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by james t kirk

The word "settling" as taken within the context of a relationship is mainly a word that women use. You won't hear a bunch of men gossiping away saying, "Boy, he really settled for her. He could have done so much better" Men just don't look at it that way. We will comment on another guy's relationship sure. For example, "Man, he married a bitch". But that's about it. Generally you just figure that your friend is happy and so be it.

Women on the other hand, they never stop worrying about "settling". They are constantly analyzing and re-analyzing their relationship. They can convince themselves of just about anything it would seem.

Enough said.

-----Added 9/10/2008 at 10 : 55 : 56-----

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe

I call BS

Most of my friends are guys and they most definitely DO do this exact thing. They will sit around for hours talking about a girl that one of their joint friends is seeing and how he could do better then her, discussing her flaws and how the two of them will never be happy together.

This is not a purely female thing

Surely it isn't a purely female thing. But I believe it's more a female thing than it is, a male thing.

Perhaps these freinds of your are single guys who've never beein in a long-term, live-in relationship? I know that married men don't sit around for hours talking about their wives and seeing how they could do better. Oh, they complain about their wives, for sure, but they don't have a collective attitude that they settled and maybe could've done better. If anything, most married men have an attitude that they are lucky to be living with a woman who tollerates them. (Whether this attitude is justified or even genuine, or not, is another matter.)

Poppinjay · 10-09-2008, 06:59 AM

aint settling

Act quickly, this 30 year old (yeah, right) won't last long.

I wonder what she considers "settling?"

Cynosure · 10-09-2008, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

Funny. In this Cosmo article, written by a guy I think, which came up on Yahoo's front page today,

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig -- Yahoo! Personals

It says:

"Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real."

Yeah, well, this is an article from Cosmo Magazine, and they're talking about the type of guys who Cosmo readers are most attracted to: Competitive, successful and worldly men who play the field as long as they can, before they finally (if ever) settle down and get married. But this is a minority of adult males.

ItWasMe · 10-09-2008, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppinjay

You like them both well-hung?

Sorry, I just had to go there.

If I say yes, I am going to get flamed about how size doesn't matter LoL.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynosure

Enough said.

-----Added 9/10/2008 at 10 : 55 : 56-----
I know that married men don't sit around for hours talking about their wives and seeing how they could do better. Oh, they complain about their wives, for sure,

Mmmhmmm. And exactly what are they complaining about? That we leave the toilet seat down? Put their socks in the wrong drawer when we washed/dried/folded/put away their laundry after we got home from work? That it took us twenty seconds to find where they left the remote, and therefore they missed the first twenty seconds of their favorite program?

MEAD · 10-09-2008, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItWasMe

Mmmhmmm. And exactly what are they complaining about? That we leave the toilet seat down? Put their socks in the wrong drawer when we washed/dried/folded/put away their laundry after we got home from work? That it took us twenty seconds to find where they left the remote, and therefore they missed the first twenty seconds of their favorite program?

Maybe it's about how they always think they are right.

Cernunnos · 10-09-2008, 03:07 PM

If a woman could do better than me, she's welcome to try. I know that I have value to offer and flaws as well. To one woman, the value that I do possess seems ten times as attractive as to the gal next to her. The flaws are ignored or treated as positive characteristics that only attract her to me further, whereas with the other gal, they're inexcusable and would result in constant arguments.

Relationships are meant to become stronger as they mature. If that's not happening and the woman feels as though she has settled, something is seriously wrong.

Martian · 10-09-2008, 05:57 PM

I see a lot of stereotyping going on here. This thread strikes me as kind of stupid.

People are complicated. When we try to cram them into neat little boxes, we usually find they are poor fits.

I have been in relationships that I have enjoyed, and ones I haven't. The relationships I didn't enjoy didn't last very long. Was I settling? Or perhaps I was just taking a chance on someone, and that chance didn't work out?

The girl I'm with now is far from perfect. She can't cook, she's not very good at budgeting, she doesn't have a driver's licence. Am I settling now? Or perhaps I just think that her merits outweigh her flaws?

Just my usual random musings.

Supple Cow · 10-09-2008, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martian

People are complicated. When we try to cram them into neat little boxes, we usually find they are poor fits.

Yes. What he said.

neflyte · 10-12-2008, 04:19 PM

My roommate once told me that I should "never settle". This was, of course, just after one of his past breakups. But I kept that in mind for the several years that followed. After my own breakup (which is detailed in a few older posts here), I decided to devote a little thought to what exactly he meant by that. All I could come up with is simply keep looking until you find someone who is happy with you and with whom you are happy. Sure there's going to be things that both will need to work out or work on, but in general everything's good between both parties.

I know what personality traits I'm after and I know what kind of looks I'm after. But my current quandary is: should I "settle" for someone whom I don't like to look at 100%? is that even considered "settling"? If I "settle" for someone like that, is it going to bite me (and her) down the road?

I miss being physically close to someone, so I've seriously considered "settling" to get that back. And yeah, it'd probably be bad of me to do so. But on the flip side, I could be waiting for someone who will never come.

Ahh, life.

(sorry in advance if this is somewhat of a threadjack.)

Jozrael · 10-12-2008, 04:43 PM

You have to look at your priorities, and ask if it would really influence your peace of mind if down the road they were invalidated.

I.e. let's say you're with a girl, everything's peachy for you. A couple years later, she cheats on you. How do you react?

So do you require your SO to be faithful in her sexual exploits only to you? How about emotional? For me, fidelity's a dealbreaker, and my SO and I are quite clear on our requirements to each other. They're not overly restrictive, but they certainly do delimit boundaries.

Now let's say she gets sick with some terrible disease, the end result of which is that the skin on her arm (or face, or crotch, whatever part of the body you wish to inflict) is disfigured. How do you react to this? Is physical beauty a flat requirement for you, and does it have different gradients? How about weight? If she gained weight in the future, would the amount matter?

Etc. etc.

Some things are settling. Settling is bad. You should not compromise your core requirements. On the other hand...there shouldn't be too many of those requirements to begin with. A core requirement is something that you just could not live without, or at least not happily. If you can't imagine a relationship with a girl, regardless of other qualities, that doesn't have attribute A, that's a dealbreaker, and getting with one that has that is settling.

neflyte · 10-12-2008, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jozrael

You have to look at your priorities, and ask if it would really influence your peace of mind if down the road they were invalidated.

In my case, i could probably "get used to it", but that's what troubles me...presently. Perhaps i won't care as much down the road. Do I take that chance? I certainly don't want to hurt the one I'm with if i suddenly decide that it's just not going to work. I'd hate myself for it.

Or maybe i'm just looking for too much of my ex in the one i'm dating. Somedays I just don't know...

So I take life as it comes. Settle or not...

10-05-2008, 05:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
james t kirk Junkie Location: Toronto	Women and "Settling" in a Relationship There is a thread in the Ladies Lounge about Women and their views on Settling. (I.e. pairing up with a man who they feel isn't really all that they want, however, they don't want to spend the rest of their life alone, so they "settle". Since I'm a boy, I can't respond in the Ladies Lounge, but I thought I'd but in my 2 cents anyway and start a new thread here. http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/ladies-...-settling.html The word "settling" as taken within the context of a relationship is mainly a word that women use. You won't hear a bunch of men gossiping away saying, "Boy, he really settled for her. He could have done so much better" Men just don't look at it that way. We will comment on another guy's relationship sure. For example, "Man, he married a bitch". But that's about it. Generally you just figure that your friend is happy and so be it. Women on the other hand, they never stop worrying about "settling". They are constantly analyzing and re-analyzing their relationship. They can convince themselves of just about anything it would seem. I had been using an Internet Dating site for a time. I've met some women and dated a few for various lengths of time. The one thing I find funny is how often I will actually read right in a woman' s profile, "I won't settle", or my all time favourite, "I subscribe to the idea of "Better off Alone than poorly Accompanied"" I know the second one because she actually sent me an email. My golden rule is never respond to a woman who has anything in her profile about "settling". But, "Better off Alone than Poorly Accompanied" - that just took the cake. I sent her a note back saying that I wasn't interested and the reason was that anyone who said anything so crass in her profile as that was not someone I'd be interested in. (She blocked me from any further communications. ) In my experiences using Lavalife, I am amazed at the number of late 30's early 40's women who have never been married, never lived with anyone, who state, "I won't settle" I guess they feel that they are somehow deserving of the THEE perfect male. I have news - He doesn't exist. I wonder if this was the same say 40 or 50 years ago, or this is a product of our times. Women are able to make their own living. (A good thing.) They don't need to depend on any man anymore (also a good thing), but they now keep searching and searching for The Perfect Man. It's a futile search. I also wonder if it's a thing more prevalent in single women in their mid 30's and 40's? Do 20 somethings also say, "I won't settle" or are they still young enough that they are not as jaded as their older sisters? I find the photo below amusing. Not for its content, but rather for the different reactions it causes between the sexes. Women think it's funny because it describes how the supply of men out there really is that pitiful. Men think it's funny because it shows how unrealistic women's expectations are these days and how stubborn they are in finding "The Perfect Man" Last edited by james t kirk; 10-05-2008 at 06:01 AM..

10-05-2008, 11:55 PM	#7 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	Funny. In this Cosmo article, written by a guy I think, which came up on Yahoo's front page today, Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig -- Yahoo! Personals It says: "Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out." In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real." This is what women are often accused of doing. Are you guys saying that men don't do this? Because that's what I'm hearing from the first few posts. I haven't heard many men talk that way, but I have heard it. Usually it was based on her looks. __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

10-06-2008, 03:17 AM	#8 (permalink)
MrFriendly Psycho Location: Australia	I don't particularly like the idea of being someone a woman just 'settles' for. Kinda says "I don't don't really love you, but you'll do." FUCK. THAT. SHIT! And that flows both ways. If I'm going to seriously commit to someone then I want it to come from a genuine place. __________________ You are not a slave

10-06-2008, 03:59 AM	#9 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	I believe the majority response on that other thread is, "what's settling? Nobody's perfect." If some Edith is on a dating site saying she won't settle or give quarter to any kind of fault, then she'll be there for a long time. I don't know many people who place personals and consider themselves the catch of a lifetime. In fact, I don't know anybody who considers themselves that beyond the age of 25. I'm not, in no way. I think your response, Captain Kirk, was 100% correct, and I envy your fancy chair. Any woman would be crazy to pass such a luxury up. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-06-2008, 04:01 AM	#11 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	If you're saying "settling" means taking whatever's available, are you willing to do that? It's a crock. Younger women may have an ideal, but when they say "I won't settle...", in my experience they're talking about specific criteria, maybe. Why would you take offense at a woman who, for example, won't take a guy who's not at least as intelligent as she is? Or a guy who doesn't communicate? Sometimes men take things too literally. If you read the Ladies' thread, I don't think it was often referring to settling for less than perfect. For me, older and wiser, I'm more open minded. I dropped the "tall dark and handsome" a long, long time ago. But he's got to at least be sharp, self-sufficient and able to communicate. Anything less wouldn't even be settling. I'm sure a majority of the ladies would agree that they have at least a few items on their list. From what you've posted since I've been around, you've got some criteria yourself. I doubt you'd deviate from that. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

10-05-2008, 10:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
KirStang Future Bureaucrat	Never really thought of a relationship as, "settling." Rather, it was, to me, two individuals mutually enjoying each other's company. Wouldn't be too fond of a woman that constantly thinks she deserves better. I mean, I enjoy pleasing my significant other, but when they think, 'i can do better than you'.....Ugh.

10-05-2008, 06:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
Xerxys Junkie Location: My head.	BULL!! Has no one ever dated someone and thought, "what hit me again??" I believe in people who have settled. Men and Women, I know I sound overly opinionated but when it just shows..............

10-05-2008, 07:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
curiousbear Addict Location: WA	I have nothing good enough to say here. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable, unacceptible and miserable to be a man...

10-05-2008, 07:47 PM	#5 (permalink)
Jozrael Junkie	I don't really get your point.

10-05-2008, 08:52 PM	#6 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	I don't know what the girls are looking for or where they are looking. But, some of them have pretty petty deal-breakers that don't mean much in the overall picture. Then again, There are plenty of guys that are in relationships that I can't understand why any woman would want to stay or put up with him. Maybe they settled and are happy to be with someone. I know that there are some girls I could never be with, even if she wanted me. But, I would be willing to be in a relationship and most likely happy if I can feel comfortable and have fun, even if there may be a perfect girl out there somewhere. Here is a article that talks about women in their 30s and how they should look for different guys they haven't thought about before. Then again, if women in their teens-20s did this like they did in the 40s/50s, you might see more long-term marriages and less divorce because there were mile-high perfectionist expectations. Marry Him! Then there are a few jokes about this: What women want in a man at age 22: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What women want in a man at age 32: 1. Nice looking (preferably with hair) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What women want in a man at age 42: 1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What women want in a man at age 52: 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What women want in a man at age 62: 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What women want in a man at age 72: 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

10-09-2008, 06:59 AM	#24 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	aint settling Act quickly, this 30 year old (yeah, right) won't last long. I wonder what she considers "settling?" __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-09-2008, 03:07 PM	#28 (permalink)
Cernunnos Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	If a woman could do better than me, she's welcome to try. I know that I have value to offer and flaws as well. To one woman, the value that I do possess seems ten times as attractive as to the gal next to her. The flaws are ignored or treated as positive characteristics that only attract her to me further, whereas with the other gal, they're inexcusable and would result in constant arguments. Relationships are meant to become stronger as they mature. If that's not happening and the woman feels as though she has settled, something is seriously wrong.

10-09-2008, 05:57 PM	#29 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I see a lot of stereotyping going on here. This thread strikes me as kind of stupid. People are complicated. When we try to cram them into neat little boxes, we usually find they are poor fits. I have been in relationships that I have enjoyed, and ones I haven't. The relationships I didn't enjoy didn't last very long. Was I settling? Or perhaps I was just taking a chance on someone, and that chance didn't work out? The girl I'm with now is far from perfect. She can't cook, she's not very good at budgeting, she doesn't have a driver's licence. Am I settling now? Or perhaps I just think that her merits outweigh her flaws? Just my usual random musings. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

10-12-2008, 04:19 PM	#31 (permalink)
neflyte Tilted Location: Kitchener, ON, CANADA	My roommate once told me that I should "never settle". This was, of course, just after one of his past breakups. But I kept that in mind for the several years that followed. After my own breakup (which is detailed in a few older posts here), I decided to devote a little thought to what exactly he meant by that. All I could come up with is simply keep looking until you find someone who is happy with you and with whom you are happy. Sure there's going to be things that both will need to work out or work on, but in general everything's good between both parties. I know what personality traits I'm after and I know what kind of looks I'm after. But my current quandary is: should I "settle" for someone whom I don't like to look at 100%? is that even considered "settling"? If I "settle" for someone like that, is it going to bite me (and her) down the road? I miss being physically close to someone, so I've seriously considered "settling" to get that back. And yeah, it'd probably be bad of me to do so. But on the flip side, I could be waiting for someone who will never come. Ahh, life. (sorry in advance if this is somewhat of a threadjack.) __________________ "I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

10-12-2008, 04:43 PM	#32 (permalink)
Jozrael Junkie	You have to look at your priorities, and ask if it would really influence your peace of mind if down the road they were invalidated. I.e. let's say you're with a girl, everything's peachy for you. A couple years later, she cheats on you. How do you react? So do you require your SO to be faithful in her sexual exploits only to you? How about emotional? For me, fidelity's a dealbreaker, and my SO and I are quite clear on our requirements to each other. They're not overly restrictive, but they certainly do delimit boundaries. Now let's say she gets sick with some terrible disease, the end result of which is that the skin on her arm (or face, or crotch, whatever part of the body you wish to inflict) is disfigured. How do you react to this? Is physical beauty a flat requirement for you, and does it have different gradients? How about weight? If she gained weight in the future, would the amount matter? Etc. etc. Some things are settling. Settling is bad. You should not compromise your core requirements. On the other hand...there shouldn't be too many of those requirements to begin with. A core requirement is something that you just could not live without, or at least not happily. If you can't imagine a relationship with a girl, regardless of other qualities, that doesn't have attribute A, that's a dealbreaker, and getting with one that has that is settling.