gsta

Hi everyone,

I recently started getting involved with a girl in a semi-long distance relationship and recently had a situation come up and am in need of advice.

First off we're both young (she's 18 I'm 20) and have been talking to each other since last October. Started off at friends and clicked immediately. I met her through one of my good friends and we started talking and it escalated from there.

A couple months after we met she decided to go out with a guy she had known since a kid which was fine, I still considered us just friends and was fine with that. They went out for about a month and she would constantly text/call me and talk to me and eventually her boyfriend at the time got angry and they began to argue pretty often and broke up a week later.

A couple months after that, she started to come on strong to me and I was reluctant and kind of stand off at first kind of weary of her and her boyfriend still (had heard they were talking again but it wasn't true) but after a couple weeks gave in and began to develop more and more feelings for her. And ever since then (6 months) we've been together and doing well.

Recently she has had to move out of her home and into a friends house where there is an older guy living there with them (it's her friends brother). He's currently married and living there in the meantime between jobs supposedly.

She called me up the other day and told me that he was flirting with her on and off and had began touching her sometimes. I asked her if she told him to stop or resisted at all and she said yes she had but he kept on doing it regardless. Now one thing I should mention is the way she tells people "no" is to try and laugh off the situation and make a joke out of it. She won't flat out say no and push someone away for whatever reason.

She called back again the next day and told me he had pulled her aside in their garage and had pushed her up against the wall and began kissing her forcing himself on her and asked her for sex. She then said she left the garage and called me later about it.

Now as soon as she told me this story I immediately had a feeling of something wasn't right with the story at all. It was an instinct feeling that I still can't shake and that my friends and family (that I've talked to so far) seem to agree with partially.

My feeling is that she isn't being truthful all the way with this. She has a history of playing victim and her friends warned me about that and said she tends to exagerate in situations for attention. I want to believe that this guy actually forced himself and she was resistant the whole time, but for some reason I just can't beleive it all the way.

My thinking is this guy had been flirting with her for a couple months and touching and grabbing her and I told her to do something about it and either tell his sister or call the police or I would handle it. She never did anything about it. So now with my mind running wild I'm starting to think maybe she didn't resist at all and started to go along with it and eventually stopped and said no. We haven't seen each other in a couple months and she tends to be the type that loves affection towards her and craves it very often due to her upbringing (troublesome parents, beatings, etc).

The way she brought it up when we were speaking was quite odd too. She said "I have something I need to tell you but can't yet because I'm near the person". And I asked what it was and I'd like to know. She then said "You're going to be really mad when I tell you". So by now I was just like, what the fuck could this be? And she finally told me and of course I was angry at first but then thought about it after we had hung up and now I'm here.

She prides herself on being very honest and being open with me (as do I), and I've believed everything she has said up until now where I just can't help but think something is up with this.

Am I being rediculous and should I just let this go? Does this sound odd to anyone else? I don't want to start playing stupid childish games and try to figure out if shes lying etc.

Her best friend thinks the story is quite rediculous and that she might be exagerating or she isn't telling the truth and she might have cheated on me willingly.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation the next time we talk because I know for a fact she will bring it up.

Advice?

telekinetic

Break up with her immediately. She is not a victim, and she is not ready to be in what sounds like a long distance relationship. She may pride herself on being 'very honest' but she's definitely spinning this story to make her out as the victim.

Don't fool yourself, people who don't want to have sex with people kick, bite, claw, and scream. They don't laugh it off and go along with it.

Listen to me from experience, I've been through two or three of these: If you cannot trust her completely, you cannot be in a relationship with her. As long as this relationship continues, you will not ever forget this, and you will not ever get over it. Even if you say you are, it will always be at the back of your mind, and it will eat at you and eat at you until you can't stand it anymore.

Do not play trust games, they will destroy your soul. Want to know the ultimate trust game? If you feel like you need to test someone, then you don't trust them. That's the only 'game' you should ever need to play.

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twisted no more

gsta

Agree completely.

Thanks for the advice.

telekinetic

You know it's true. Everyone does. But it takes an unreal amount of mind over penis to man up and act on it. I wish I could slap my 20 (and 21, and 22) year old self silly and drive that lesson into him.

The thing that I never saw when I was in the middle of it is that not only is it not fair to you, it's not fair to her to be with someone who spies on her. It isn't fair to her because the damage is already done, it's not something she can undo, and there isn't anything she can do to erase it. The sooner you end it, the sooner she can get a fresh start.

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twisted no more

gsta

Agreed again. I was just talking to my friend about this very thing (mind over penis). If I have to break off communication with her then it has to be done. It'll be painful for her and myself temporarily but it's something that has to be done if theres no trust. I guess I was/am just looking for other people to solidify that thought in my mind.

I was never after her for sex and still don't really care about sex honestly. My mind is else where (focused on my career and treating her like a woman 100%) which brings me to another point: her past.

She had a rough upbringing and was beaten by her parents who were heavy drug users and was in a foster home for awhile and has had 2 boyfriends in the past who have treated her like shit. Once slapped her and forced himself upon her at a party when she was drunk. When she met me she was like, "You're the only one who has ever treated me like a human being".

So with all that in mind I thought about this for awhile (and I mean i thought about her general thinking, not her compliments towards me) with others and my good friend who is at a neutral point like I was. His explanation was maybe shes just so used to being a victim and having people take advantage of her growing up, that she just falls into that groove now. I thought about it and it SORT OF made sense; when she gets yelled at she immediately gets submissive and doesn't say anything at all etc. Then he said on the other hand maybe she exagerated this story or lied so you wouldn't be angry at her for going along with it.

I also don't want to ever spy on someone and "test" them to see if they're lying. I haven't and don't want to ever do that.

Anyways, sorry for rambling on, just kind of thinking out loud here. I've pretty much made up my mind which is theres just to much bullshit surrounding this situation and if I have to think about the situation and how to handle it this hard, then it isn't worth the trouble and time. If theres one thing I've learned listening to others and watching other relationships is if there is no trust, theres no relationship.

analog

Eh... walk away and don't look back. Don't be with a person who plays games.

Push-Pull

Yup, games = walking papers. There's enough BS in the world, no sense in wading in it in your own living room.

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"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

Jinn

Run, don't walk (away).

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albania

It's not uncommon for victims of abuse and especially sexual abuse to freeze up as a response to being put in another abusive situation, it's a way of dealing with the situation. If you've ever seen a documentary when a lion pounces on a gazelle or what have you...sometimes even though the prey is alive after the first attack they'll just freeze up, I'd liken it to something like that. I'm not saying that this is what's happening with your girlfriend but am just putting the info out there for your edification. Perhaps, I didn't read carefully enough, you said you were in a long distance relationship. Have you talked to her in person? If you do it might clear up a lot of the issues you have and help you decide what to do. Whatever you decide good luck.

telekinetic

OK, let's assume that is the case (I don't believe it is). This girl has been so abused that she can't resist anyone who decides they want to have their way with her.

That doesn't change what he needs to do--if anything, it makes his choice more clear. Being a victim doesn't excuse any of her behavior, or obligate him to stay with her.

If she is so damaged that that is the case, she needs to be in major therapy, and not enter a serious relationship until she is sure she can handle the responsibilities of monogamy.

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twisted no more

albania

There's nothing that you've said that I disagree with. However, whether one's behavior is excusable or inexcusable it doesn't hurt to understand what explains it. In fact, it may help us take pity on a person that might need our help. As I was reading the post I speculated that this girl was probably more in need of a good therapist than a good boyfriend, and that's regardless of the assumption of emotionally crippling abuse or what have you.

gsta

I agree. Myself and others assumed she became so attatched to me because I was like a makeshift therapist to her for awhile when we first met. I personally just like talking to people and I'll listen to their problems and try to give advice if they want it and hear out everything they say and thats what I did with her and shortly after she "fell in love" with me.

tecoyah

In other words....your feelings for her evolved over time. Its going to happen for your entire life, with every relationship you have. It seems obvious you have no deep feelings for the girl, and so should do you both a favor and walk away before it gets really complicated.

Plan9

You know how ninjas have smoke grenades to escape with?

You should deploy yours... TIME NOW.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

orionnebula

That is exactly what I was thinking