brandon11983

Hey guys, obviously VERY long time no see.... anyway... I'm posting this here because this is the only place I know to come to for intelligent conversation/insight. My gf wants to do some amateur porn on the side. I have told her this will create MAJOR problems for us, but she does not see the "big deal" because she is comfortable with nudity and its not like it will "mean anything." She says its just acting, I say its my girlfriend having sex and being pleasured by some other guy. She would be doing things that she should only be doing to me while we are together. She had to check off things she would be comfortable with and she won't tell me what they were. Has anyone ever faced this? How did you react/feel, would you still be able to be with that person? Cuz I'm not sure I could.

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Esoteric

I don't think I could still remain with that person, unless I was the guy in the said porns doing the fucking. Have you asked her how she would feel if it was you that wanted to do porn?

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brandon11983

I haven't asked her how she would feel if I did the same. She may say it was ok if it didn't "mean anything" just like hers won't/doesn't....

That... and circular logic does not work on her, it just pisses her off.

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Jetée

Unless you stand to make money from this, you are only going to end up losing...

Discuss what she means by "amateur", because this can perhaps just allude to her wanting to make a tape for yours and hers sole enjoyments. Communication here is key.

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analog

She wouldn't tell you what she'll be comfortable with probably because she knows you'd have a problem with most all of them. That is, of course, assuming she thinks you'll never get to see the videos.

If you're not on board with this, and I wouldn't blame you, I don't foresee your relationship lasting very long at all. I'd say she has very little respect for you or your relationship if she has no consideration at all for your opinion.

This is not to say that she can't decide what's right for her and her body, etc., but it does mean that your relationship is worth less than this side-job, if she's willing to do it against your wishes.

Her desire to do it is all well and good for her, but she should not expect you to be ok with it.

Willravel

Hey! Welcome back.

I view it as cheating. She will be having sex with other men while you're together, and this was not a part of her when you first met. It's unfair for her to ask you to be okay with this. Likewise, if I were to do porn, my wife would be justified in leaving me for cheating. It's completely inappropriate.

Shauk

well, Love isn't about possessiveness, she's not property.

buuuut. yeah, it definately takes a different kind of person to be into that industry. You'd think it would damage the sex life because she'd never be in the mood or something. Thats more what i'd worry about moreso than the fact of it being another guy *shrug*

Just do yourself a favor, let her go through with it if she's going to do it anyway before you break up with her. You might make a contact or 2 if you know what I mean. Then you can just go make a bunch of porn on your own and you break even.


ok, maybe I'm joking. it's hard to tell.

Pesto

Just naked pictures, maybe not a problem.

Stuff she does gets posted all over the internet, likely a problem.

Doing things with people other than me, big problem.

Naked pictures for me, no problem at all.

This is my personal opinion. From the sounds of it, she will be doing things with other people. If she were to go through with that it would be automatic grounds to dump her and never look back. Again, this is if I was in your position.

heh, position.

World's King

Just let us know if/when/where she does this...

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The_Jazz

I agree with will on this. If you're in a monogamous relationship, she's cheating. I don't see much room there. If you're not monogamous, well, that's something different.

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stevie667

I'm going to second that motion.

If a g/f of mine ever proposed that, and it wasn't with me, it wouldn't last. Just thinking about it is bad enough, the possibility that it will end up on the titty board i wouldn't be able to cope with.

I would probably think that she isn't entirely committed to the relationship if she even put forward that (and wasn't including you) in the first place.

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Psycho Dad

I don't see it so much as cheating, unless she goes ahead and does it against your wishes or without your knowledge. At any rate, since you two have not been able to come to an agreement as far as this goes and you have felt the need to go online for advice, this may be the first of many problems to stem from this. Good luck dude.

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Baraka_Guru

The very suggestion that she would want to do something like this tells me that she isn't taking your relationship seriously, especially if she knows you have a problem with it. If you can't work this out to a point where you are both comfortable and she goes ahead with it anyway, you might want to consider moving on because it would clearly mean she isn't intending to be with you for the long haul.

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analog

Yeah... solo work is one thing... getting naked, toys, etc... getting filled out like an application by another man is where the line would be drawn for me. From her refusal to tell you how far she's willing to go, that almost certainly means she'll having actual intercourse.

Of course, if you want the bragging rights, you could wait until after she's shot a movie, then have sex with her and break up afterward, just so you can say you had sex with an amateur porn star. /testosterone

CookieCutter

whether or not you see it as cheating, or anyone else here sees it as cheating or immoral, the mere fact she would do something you feel so strongly against shows she has no respect for you.

Sounds like a shit GF to me.

Pesto

No, sounds like she's trying to sabotage the relationship.

Halx

Ask if you can be in it with her? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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Jetée

What did your girlfriend say exactly?

She wants to do amateur porn with other guys, or is willing to do it with you.
You were very vague in your OP, so that left most everyone else posting in response with the inference that she wants to do porn apart from you and with multiple partners.

A clarification may be in order, on your part, but most certaintly on hers as well.

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Psycho Dad

Seeing as she had to checkoff on a list of shit she would or wouldn't be down with pretty much indicates she filled out an application of sorts. Her boyfriend I doubt would have done that.

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JStrider

for me it really depends on the porn...

just her modeling nude... that would be fine
her doing a les scene... that would be alright... long as I could watch...
hardcore with me... yah I'm definently down
hardcore without me... that'd be a no go for sure...

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Telluride

I would consider it cheating if you're not okay with it. And to have sex with other people when you're not okay with it tells me that she doesn't really care about your feelings or the relationship.

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ratbastid

In my opinion, there are no inherent rights or wrongs when it comes to sex and relationships. There are some things that are socially unacceptable, and come pretty close to being inherently, universally wrong (sex acts that involve dead people or close relatives, for instance, are one example). But short of that, there's no "right" or "wrong" out there in the world.

There are, however, personal boundaries. And it's completely ok and normal to have them, and what works is to communicate them and stick to them. You've got to have the courage and honesty to look at whether a particular thing is within your comfort zone or not, and if not, whether you're willing to relax that boundary in service of your relationship with that person. And it's okay not to be willing. But working this all out is a critical part of a relationship.

To say that more simply: there's nothing wrong with your girlfriend doing porn unless you say there is.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, and she insists on doing it anyway, that likely means the end of the relationship. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker--though it would take an exceptional person to not have it be one.

brandon11983

I thought I was clear in my OP that it would definitely be with another guy, as in not me. Yeah, the more I think about this situation, the more I hate it and see it ending up not good. I don't even see how I could look at her after it, let alone function at all while shes doing it. I mean, it hasn't even happened yet (to my knowledge) and its all I can think about...

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noodlebee

From what you've said, it just seems that she wants to place "relationship" in one category and "sex" as different. "Relationship" has more emotional attachment and can contain sex, but not necessarily. "Sex" is an emotionless thing by itself, so no matter who a person has sex with, that person can still emotionally feel loyal to his/her true love.

I personally do the same. I am more reserved with what I do with my own body, but give freedom to my partners past and present. If you want an example of what I mean, some months after my boyfriend and I said our relationship was serious, I told him that he can have other sexual partners if he wants, just as long as it is completely clear that there are no health problems (e.g. wear a condom). My major concern was that he loves me. Sex, although important, is not so much as love. For physical desires like sex, there may be things I cannot or will not do so I understand if he chooses that. He explicitly said he preferred completely monogamous so we agreed with that and I trust his word.

If you take the initiative tell her that you understand that these things can be placed as two different categories and then give her your opinion, she might be more willing to listen and at the very least, come to a compromise (e.g. still do porn but only solo). It is two different types of thought.

What is "not a big deal" for her can be a "big deal" for you. Different humans have different experiences and values, so your ways of thinking and priorities vary and possibly create conflicts like this.

Daemon1313

That pretty much sums it up.

Judging by what you've said you should do something about sooner than later. There are probably only two scenarios, sadly. She drops the idea or you move on.

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little_tippler

Why exactly does she want to do some amateur porn? It just sounds like an excuse to have fun while giving it a "serious" name, and not including you in it. It's like cheating but telling you it's actually not, and kind of making you consent to it, though inside you're all mixed up. It's a bit fucked up. If you're a monogamous couple (or thought you were). It's cheating with a fancy name.

I think if she doesn't care that you have a problem with it, then you guys aren't really together. When someone cares about you, they care if something they do is upsetting you, and they will try to stop doing it, or help find a solution to the problem that you both can live with.

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Ourcrazymodern?

It's got to be you if that's what you require.
If this wanna-be porn starlet requires anything else, she might not be for you.

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allaboutmusic

What happened?

blahblah454

Yea this would be a good one to hear about now.
Did she do it?

MuadDib

Best advice I have to give anyone ever. Don't concern yourself with what you think your beloved needs or deserves, those are very personal things that only she knows. Instead concern yourself with what she wants. In that regard it's okay to be the voice of reason for a while, but at the end of the day because you care about her it's your job to respect and support her decisions.

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match000

That's easier said than done.

Can you picture your SO doing something like this? Would you be ok with it, for reals?

rlbond86

The thread necromancers are about!

Martian

That only extends to a point. This isn't like an eyebrow piercing or something - if my girlfriend wants to get a tattoo that I think is maybe a bit ill advised, I'll agree with you. If my girlfriend wants to do porn against my wishes, I'm going to say that's not holding myself or our relationship in very high regard, and if she insists on that course of action I'm going to insist on finding a woman who shows me more respect than that.

Look out for the people you love, but make sure you're one of them.

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savmesom11

I second that! I think she is trying to break up with you or have you break up with her.

Beautifully stated! I wouldn't even be entertaining the question. I would know that I love myself enough to walk away.

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MuadDib

Certainly easier said than done, most things are. And I honestly can't imagine if I would be okay with it or not. I would assume I would be pretty bent out of shape at first, but eventually I would either have to become okay with it because I cared enough for her to support decisions no matter what or I would have to reevaluate if she is really the person I thought she was and maybe call it off.

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Jenna

I think that your girlfriend needs to do some serious research before she starts doing porn. I'd suggest reading Jenna Jameson's book "How to Make Love like a Pornstar: A Cautionary Tale." There's a lot more on the surface that people don't realize about porn stars.

lotsofmagnets

boogie nights made porn look like fun

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