neflyte

This might simply be my own paranoia or what have you, but every so often I think I'm actually a shallow person. The reason I bring this up is because I've started dating someone whom is stimulating to me in every way except physically. That is, I think she has an excellent personality, a great career, a well-developed set of morals, funny, and above all, genuinely interested in me as a person. BUT, I don't find her attractive and I believe that I need to _also_ be physically attracted to her to make the relationship really work. This isn't the first woman that I've thought this about, either. Sometimes I think I should simply stow those feelings away and let the relationship go where it may, however I also think I should just let her know about it as I don't want either of us to get too involved and have this get in the way.

I mean, how do you tell someone, "Sorry, I just don't find you attractive. Let's just stay friends"?

I'd appreciate any and all comments.

__________________
"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

hrandani

Everybody has these thoughts, but generally it's considered poor form to voice them. So I guess the shallow label would apply only when you don't adjust your behavior to the accepted hypocrisy.

Heh. That's just my take on it.

jusolson00

shallow?.. I'm not sure I would call it that. How about normal??... Is it really fair to YOU (numbero uno, first and foremost..well you get my drift) to push aside something that you feel you gotta have in a relationship?.. NO.. And don't let "society" tell you that just because you don't find a woman physically attractive that your a "bad" person.. pure bullshit. I know for myself I need to feel that level of physical attraction or theres no way the relationship is going to last for the long haul. You can deny it all you want to yourself, but one day its going to rear its ugly head. Don't let it happen when your 5 years in marriage with two kids and you find yourself sneaking away to the local hotel to meet up with the hot young receptionist. well the details may vary but you get my drift..

Lizra

You might casually mention a celeb or two that you do find physically attractive. Be sure to add what it is that catches your eye (hair, dressing style, attitude, etc).......if your friend really wants to play the game, at least give her something to work with. Keep an open mind! Of course, she might ignore the hints and figure if she's not good enough, then it's your loss.

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Happy atheist

neflyte

What makes that harder IMO is that i'm a "face-person". Someone's body type isn't as much of a priority for me, but I have to be attracted to their face. This is what mainly makes me think of being shallow.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

ShaniFaye

I think about it this way....what would attract me if I were blind....I usually find that the "looks" thoughts go right out the window....I will take personality over looks every single day of the week

Im just blessed my husband has both IMO

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

777

Well, I heard it best when love was descrided as a friendship with a dash of lust thrown in.

Keep her as a friend, but if she doesn't turn you on, find someone who does.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Sultana

Maybe you are shallow, but one still needs to be physically attracted to their partner.

But this is what the dating phase is all about. See if maybe getting to know her better makes you re-evaluate things...or not.

I will point out that one can lose their looks. Either over time, or in an accident or whatever. But those other things tend to last. Also...she deserves to be with someone who full-on appreciates her.

Eh, I'd say you were shallow if you didn't even give her (or yourself) a chance, wouldn't even date her or bother to get to know her. How's that?

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

waltert

well if it makes you feel any better, I absolutely could not date a girl with an "ugly face".

thats the first thing i look at

World's King

I actually see no problem with being shallow.


I'm very shallow. I don't even like being friends with 'ugly' people.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

pig

neflyte,

um...how did y'all start dating in the first place? i don't think its shallow at all. i think if that's all you cared about - well, maybe that's shallow. in my understanding, most people want to date other people who reflect their self image, values etc. i don't think there's anything "wrong" with wanting to be physically attracted to the person you're dating. for me, if i find her ugly - well, that's a non-starter for a romantic relationship. that's why you call them friends. do what you feel is right, of course - but i don't even see the conflict here.

have you been sleeping with this girl, and now you have to break it to her that you're just not that into it? if so, then welcome to the minefield my friend. suck it up and get out now, because its just going to get worse. usually the way you say it is some version "this isn't working for me; i'm just not feeling it." then she gets pissed off and hurt, like we all do, and the friendship usually dies. maybe you pick it up after a bit, but for a little while you won't be hanging out. get your cds now.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

neflyte

We haven't gotten to that phase, and I won't let it get there. The most we've done is "made out" once. Because I don't feel anything, I won't let it go farther than that. She does deserve to be with someone who finds everything about her attractive, not just some things. I believe the same for myself. I found my ex attractive in every way possible. Not that I'm looking for the same things since any new relationships won't be the same.

We met thru a dating service. I loathe the "bar scene" and simply couldn't be arsed to do any traditional dating. So, I paid someone to do the searching for me. We've dated for the last few weeks, mostly enjoying each other's company. I usually have a fun time when I'm with her, but I never feel anything romantic. So, it's definately not that I won;t give her a chance. Far from it. I wanted to make sure I gave her a chance, and it turns out that i'm simply not physically attracted to her. I'm personally not comfortable with that idea, however. I feel like i'm shallow just because of that.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

pig

well, you've got all these ideas and what not in your head; separates you from chimps. however, you're still sort of a chimp. little shaved monkey. and you've got these balls hanging around, and well - they get a say too. think of the balls man, their vote counts!

i mean, is it shallow to not want to fuck everyone you know, and/or are friends with? you get along with them, you're not attracted to them, so you don't date 'em. she's just one more person like that. i think its just because you met through a service where you're supposed to "date." well...you're going to have a tough time dating through a service if you feel obligated to pursue everyone you hook up with. i'd say just move on; or else buy a real doll and stash it in the closet.

my proverbials 2 pieces of coin.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

paulskinback

Looks like we're in the same boat my man, only i'm banging this girl. Problem is, I just moved to this town a few months ago and met her while out with my cousin, and I get to go out with her and her friends and get regular sex.

Makes me feel shallow, and an asshole. I don't really find her attractive, we hooked up when drunk. She seems to adore me. I'm gonna have to end it soon. MAybe you should do the same

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'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' - Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation

bluedot

I'd say the very fact that you show concern about being shallow is strong evidence that you are not shallow.

geneticlone

bluedot is right, if you can usually point out your faults it means you try hard to prevent them. So whatever you are feeling you probably want to go with that... :-D

Lizra

Met her through a dating service?

That is something I am not famliar with, and would love to hear more stories about how these types of things work.

Anyway.....if you met through a dating service, the type of problem you are experiencing seems unavoidable (or do you get to see a picture first? ).
I wouldn't call you shallow, but if you truely feel like you just want to be friends......tell her now! It's no fun to have your heart broke.....even if it is just a teeny, tiny bit.

Dating services!? Good? Bad? What?

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Happy atheist

BlackKittyKat

i agree with bluedot.
it's not easy to tell someone that you would rather be their friend then their lover. Be honest and talk to her. Rather you talk to her now than later.

neflyte

The dating service I use is non-electronic. So, they do their "matching", then they call me and describe a woman that they think I'd like to meet. If i like the description, they give me her first name (only) and a phone number. The rest is up to me. Essentially, I give her a call and we talk for a couple days. If everything goes well there, we decide to meet up in person. And that's about it...

So, we've met up and dated a few times. Made each other dinner a couple times as well But sadly, I just don't feel any physical attraction. It actually does feel a little more like friends than anything else, even I know thats what we both didn't want.

__________________
"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

dirtyrascal7

It must not be too hard, girls tell me that all the time. lol

Anyway, I agree with what everyone has already said. When you're dating with the intention of finding someone for a long-term relationship, then you shouldn't settle for someone who you don't find attractive both inside and out. It's not that you're shallow -- because you obviously DO consider things like personality, sense of humor, and morals -- but you want someone who has the whole package... and that is completely normal and justified.

And I know you really WANT someone to date, but the worst thing you could do is try and force it or drag things out. If you're not attracted to her but still want to be friends, then just tell her... she may never want to talk to you again, but maybe she feels the same way.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Lizra

Since you enjoy a pretty face....you need a dating service that shows pictures then!

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Happy atheist

neflyte

Heh, once I'm done with the current one (which cost me a LOT of money) and I can find one that shows pictures, I might do it. If this one doesn;t work out, I might just try doing the internet ones, even though I've already failed eHarmony.com.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

MSD

Not wanting to be with someone you don't find attractive isn't shallow, it's natural. Shallow would be if you wouldn't date someone others though was unattractive even though you did. It's what you are when image is everything.
OkCupid has some good looking and sane people mixed in with the Hutts and psychopaths. If you're lucky you might find someone who's both good looking and sane, and who likes you back. If not, at least you didn't spend any money.

little_tippler

ok, to me the main problem here is that you're leading her on. That's what makes you not shallow, but a little bit insensitive.

People call it shallow but the fact is you have to be physically attracted to someone else to some degree for things to work, at least for most of us this is a necessity. I do think it is true that beauty is relative, sometimes you can fall for someone in every way and then the looks side of it is only improved by that. I'm sure most of you can relate to this.

I'd say you're shallow if you let looks rule every decision you make about dating others - which I'm thinking is not the case. But if you are, plenty of people out there are the same my friend. Just make sure that if you're demanding high standards with regards to your partners, you can also deliver the goods, otherwise you're living in dream land.

You need to be honest with yourself and with her. It's not fair to her to pretend you think she's great when really at the back of your mind you're constantly thinking "she's great but her nose is a little off". If she's so great, let her go find someone who appreciates her and is worth her time. I'm not saying you're not great, but you're obviously not great together if that's how you feel. She definitely won't thank you if you're hanging around because you feel sorry for her. In fact she'll hate you for underestimating her strength and worth.

My advice is be honest with yourself, cut her loose, and find what you want.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

neflyte

Well, I'm going to see her today, so I'll bring it up and we'll talk about it. I wouldn't mind keeping her as a friend if she's down for that. I don;t have many female friends to start with and none that are single. If she's not into that, that's cool. I'll go on my merry way.

I'll tell you all what happens.

EDIT:
We talked it over and we're both gonna stay friends. We have a lot of fun together still, so it's apparently all good. Thanks to all of you for your words. I very greatly appreciate them!

__________________
"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

yelizaveta

I have been called shallow because of the fact that I prefer to date gorgeous guys, it's VERY important to me. But, i disagree because i also make sure they have the kind of personality i like in a man. I believe i am a beautiful woman, so if i can FIND a man with the personality and the looks, what's wrong with choosing someone who will keep me happy both in AND out of bed ?

neflyte

ah yes, but would you give the potential guy a chance, or would you take one look at him and move on? in my case, i definately gave her a chance and i believe that a chance is necessary. who knows, you could end up with a good friend!

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

yelizaveta

yes, but a good friend is not a boyfriend. of course, i love to get to know new people regardless of appearance, it enriches my life. but that person will be only a good friend if he is unattractive to me, i would never date him.