former newt

i don't know if this belongs in a sexuality thread. but here goes.

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 months now. i love and care for her more than i have any other person i can remember. and she feels the same way. but we're having problems. like every fucking day. and it's all because of college and standardized testing.

yeah fucked up, right?

we've been fighting because she hasn't gotten the score on a graduate school admissions test she needs yet. she's one of the most hardworking people i know, determined, disciplined, and a good student. and i truly believe she'll be fine. but for some reason, she keeps arbitrarily telling me how we shoudln't be together because she's second to me, and she's inferior to me because i scored higher on that test than she did. she'll say how i don't care, how i could get someone better, etc. and i end up arguing about why us being together has nothing to do with this damn test.

basically everyday i try to be there for her as much as i can (we don't go to the same university, so i don't get to see her all the time) i listen to her rant about her problems and i bend over backwards to try to see her as much as i can. but she overreacts to any little thing, and then it'll lead back to this mother fucking test.

i can't think straight right now, so i'll post more later. but from all this, any advice?

World's King

Are you for real?

You two are fighting cause of a test? Leave now. Nothing will ever come from a relatiopnship with someone that feels that you two need to compete all the time. Relationships are about being TOGETHER. She doesn't see you as a boyfriend. She sees you as a threat. That's the strangest thing I've ever heard.

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former newt

yeah i figured that'd be one of the responses. and maybe it'll come to that (i really hope not) but you think there's anything i can say to maybe get that idea out of her head?

oh and btw, the trend is we fight for an hour and suddenly we're back to being us, all mushy and gushing over each other.

wtf is wrong with us?

World's King

The main thing wrong with you two is that you're human.




It happens. I know it's hard to understand some times but when you reach a certain age it all goes away and you become a horrid shell of your former self.

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Sorcha

I sometimes feel the same way about my boyfriend...that he could do better than me. It's ironic you post this now, we fought over this tonight. It always does really lead back to the same thing, whatever is troubling me the most. Looking back with a relatively clear head, I can tell you that it may be partially stress. Stress does wierd and terrible things to me.

I'd say just give it time...time for her to get through these tests. After that, I really think she'll be ok, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what's right.

ASU2003

If she had scored higher, would she think that she is too good for you? That she would dump you if you didn't get the exact same score?

This is crazy. Just don't fight back or give her a response the next time it comes up.

JustDisGuy

Sounds like she's looking for an excuse to me...

MechCow

I think if you love her you should talk to her and really try and sort it out, and if you don't you should probably leave.

Mantus

My advice is that next time don't try to solve the problem or make her feel better. Just shut up and listen, let her get it all out. Backrubs, comfort food, candles, good movies, do the little things that will make her life less stressful.

Flirt with her. Distract her mind with thoughts of being between the sheets with ya. Then fuck her brains out...cuz lets face it - it's good therapy

Sultana

Eh, my advice is to tell her to stop it. Cut it out. Grow up or go find someone that's less intelligent than she is so she can feel superior to them...it'll be like a bucket of cold water over her head, most likely.

Surely she can't have expected to have scored exactly the same as you? Someone will have scored higher.

Sorry, but no recommendations for backrubs, candles, or anything comforting like that (after repeated arguments) from me. It's time for her to feel uncomfortable enough to stop this rediculous and destructive behavior.

She hasn't even gotten her results yet, right? Something else deeper is likely bothering her (I rather hope so!), but she's got to figure it out and deal with it for you to help her at all, and to stop picking stupid fights.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

hambone

This is the best advice I think. Men try to fix things. We usually can't and we make it worse. It is an irrational emotional outburst, so don't expect a rational response to solve anything.

Other than that, I would even venture to say that she is afraid to show this part of her, because its seen as a weakness. Others have said she may be looking for an out, but I don't necessarily believe that. I think she feels vulnerable in this area and that her way of defending herself is just not the best way to go about it.

Advice would be to deliberately show you care for her, without mentioning the tests. Don't say "I'll still care about you if you do poorly" or anything in that vein. Just make it a non-issue, unless she brings it up, then just Listen.

Best advice I have without knowing you two personally. Take it with a grain of salt.

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analog

I whole-heartedly vote that she's nuts and you should cut your losses and get out. Have some sex for the last time, and then part ways. Even if you want to blame stress, it shouldn't make a person that insane and self-loathing. If it does, there are other issues and it's not a person with whom you're compatible for a relationship.

Get out while you don't have kids together, and move along. Good luck.

Sharon

I agree with Sultana 100%. She sounds like a serious drama queen, and you need to tell her to cut the bullshit because you're tired of it.

If it works, you'll have saved yourself a huge headache.

If she doesn't, then it's not worth it my friend.

Frozen North

My advice, tell her that she either needs to let go of the test or let go of you. If she's not willing to accept herself as your equal then there's no point in trying to have a relationship. She needs to do this herself, not by you telling her how great she is and/or downplaying your own intelligence, it hasn't worked yet and it isn't going to, trust me.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex myself and the best way a woman has gotten me to stop antagonizing myself is to refuse to play the game. Your girlfriend will stop this nonsense if the relationship is important enough to her, otherwise it isn't worth saving.

abaya

Chalk me up to echoing Sultana here... give her the cold water treatment. I also think she's "looking for an excuse," as JusDisGuy said, but that remains to be seen.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Average_Joe

It sounds like she gets frustrated over not doing well enough on her test, but she's taking out her frustration on you and your relationship. I'm going to be in the minority here, but I don't think she's wacked or someone you need to run away from. It just depends on how much of her projected anger you can take without feeling hurt. However, this might be the start of a trend for her. If she gets frustrated, you become the target. In my experience, some women are like this (kind of a type-A personality trait I assume). If you love her, then maybe you can learn to tolerate it, and don't take it personally. These outbursts will usually pass pretty quickly.

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cadre

I agree that she is frustrated and taking it out on you. True, she shouldn't do this but it happens alot. I see it mostly in people that are upperclassmen in high school because they are so stressed trying to get into the schools they want and please their parents and some people just can't accept doing poorly on tests. It's not that uncommon, especially in people that are dedicated to schoolwork. I think that the best thing you can do is to just listen to her and make her feel better without bringing up the test. Though, if it becomes a very detrimental thing you should probably call her out on it and see if she is willing to try not to cause fights.

People are right though that this may or may not pass. She might get over it in a couple months or so but down the road when something like the test happens again chances are that she'll do it again. I guess that maybe it is just a matter of how important she is to you.

Just be as supportive as you can and she should get over it with some time. Or maybe you could help her study so that she can take the test over and do better, this could offend her though so be careful.

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thesupermikey

can i ask what sort of program she is trying to get into?

b/c frankly - the GREs are totally bullshit, and no program worth its salt gives a damn about them. Grades work and faculty recs are far more importnat

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dirtyrascal7

It is foolish that one test could mean so much, and I don't believe that is the real problem here... merely a symptom. It is just something that she falls back on when she's angry/frustrated with you. The thing we need to figure out is why she feels the need to get angry towards you.

To me, it seems she feels you are constantly judging and rating her. Maybe you aren't doing so intentionally, but it seems like she is percieving your words and actions as such. Or perhaps she just feels that she's not good enough for you, so she feels paranoid that you're looking for some reason why she's not. Either way, this test is an easy thing for her to project these frustrations on because there is an objective value to compare, something which so far has made it clear she's not "even" with you.

My advice is to try and see things from her perspective from now on and act accordingly... show her that you will love her unconditionally. Tell her all the things you love about her which are truly unique to her. Eventually, she will become more confident that she is deserving of your love and these symptoms will go away.

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