Suzz04

I haven't posted in quite a while. Sometimes it feels like I'm opening myself up to futher humilation. Sometimes I'm just too scared of what would be said. But, I can't hold it back any longer and have managed to tie myself up in a emotional knot that I can't loosen and unravel.

Alittle background so nobody has to go digging up anything. I'm 30 years old, just turned in Nov, and have a 11 year old daughter. Mind you, yes she is going through her years in life that will prove the most difficult for me.

I am dating... or....rather... I'm not even sure at this moment. Right now it's wait and see how things are after Christmas. Holidays are rough enough as it is without the stress of a relationship problem going awry.

Him. 23 years old. Works night shift and helps me out all that he can. I don't work. I have a few problems that are preventing me from being able to at this time.

We've had a decent, good relationship. Both agreeing to try new things and agreeing that if one doesn't like, it happens no more. So far, we've had two bad three some encounters. We've had different excitements happen at home with just the two of us.

Currently, I have placed myself into a problem that may be the end of our relationship. I jokely said one day about a open relationship. Yes, I realize now that was mistake number one. He was stunned and said he'd have to think about it.

We came to a agreement after much discussion that revealed why we do not have a "normal" sex life. Yes, I realize that a sex life is not the main basis for a relationship. But, it is nice to be loved on by the one that you love.

Things that came to light were some of the problems I'm currently having is turning him off. I've been trying to stop the fights with my daughter. That's been very difficult to do. Her father is in NY and snickers at me anytime I ask for the supposed help he keeps telling me to ask him for. I tend to turn things that are relatively small into full blown train collisions.

The night before last, our friend came over. The one that we discussed and discussed with about him having sex with her solo. I'm not really so bothered with that he had sex with her. It's just that nothing seemed to change like he said it was going to. More excitement for him to pay lots of attention to me more. Yes, I agreed to it and I approached her. I really didn't think that she would due to her being married. However, even though her marriage is on the rocks doesn't help the situation either.

Now, I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I want to open up these new little worlds of excitment for each of us. But, now I feel confused and almost tied up inside.

I had no problem talking to her afterwards. I still have no problem talking to her now. She's a great person and personally I was glad she'd be the one we'd talk to.

Now here's my problem. I felt very off sorts right afterwards. Not because of the deed. But, was this the solution to excite our lives? Or.... was this the solution that was going to destroy us for good?

So far he can't answer that question. That if it's helped or not. They both don't mind this becoming a every now and then basis. I'm not sure so far. I have very mixed feelings.

However, on his behalf, I will state that he said if I didn't want to do this (before it happened) then it would never happen. Also, if I didn't feel comfortable afterwards, then we'd decide if not to do it again. I'm alittle mixed. I'm alittle excited because this may lead to a threesome with a girl that I have had feelings for a long time. She makes me feel hot and bothered on more than several occassions. There is that possibility to look forward to.

But, so far he doesn't want to really ... or doesn't seem to I should say... to discuss what the future holds. I'm not really sure if he knows at this point. I do know that he's very pissed at me at the moment. No matter how I try to word myself, it comes out wrong and he gets upset.

I'm looking for insight from someone that may have been there. I'm looking for someone to tell me just something of why I feel this way if they have any clue. I feel a bit trapped and alone since they are the only two I can talk to and neither so far want to talk to me. I think she's at work, but I'm not so sure. I won't say she's ignoring my calls because that would be a assumption and very possibly untrue.

Forgive me for this extremely long post, and thank you very much for reading through it.

For a side note, I don't regret what has happened. I'm more worried on the future. Something that I know I can't control, but like I'm looking down a long dark road that I have no clue where it may lead. Currently, at the rate this is going....I'm heading towards loosing my boyfriend for my "bitch" attitude. Which I'm really trying not to be.

suzz04

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Quantum Cat Theory:
Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened,
it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

Willravel

K, to summarize:
You're 30 with an 11 year old daughter and are having some problems with her. You're dating a 23 year old (wait to go~!), but accedentally changed the relationship into an open relationship starting with a joke. A mutual (married) friend, that your boyfriend had relations with earlier, came over. You invited her to join you and your boyfriend, in order to spice things up a bit. You feel uneasy about the decision and it's possible ramfications.

If this is a good summerization, let me know. I'd love to try and help.

Suzz04

In a way.... at first I said it as a just... then we talked about it and were both interested. We talked to the mutal friend and left the decision for her joining him up to her.

My daughter is just the average argumentive preteen that every parent gets. I think the arguing is what annoys both of us the most and rubs us both the wrong way into snapping at each other.

This was decided upon that if it went thru it was to spice things up. I like trying the new things, but, right now I'm worried about things I probably shouldn't.

Like, if her hubby finds out...etc...

I'm just trying to figure out mostly if I should just stop worrying and go with it. It was exciting thinking about it all and was exciting for us the day before and day after. But, my excessive worrying might be putting us at odds and making matters so much more worse than I should allow.

__________________
Quantum Cat Theory:
Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened,
it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

Sultana

Well, to put things a little simplistically (maybe), how about you just chalk this up to something that seemed cool at the time, but isn't working out for you, so don't go there again. Let it go, and concentrate on you relationships with your daughter and with him.

Let it go.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Willravel

I agree with Sult, in that it seems that while it was exciting, this is making you quite uncomfortable. Don't let worry fester inside you. Let it be known. A simple, "I really enjoyed the other night, but I feel somewhat uncomfortable about it.." might go far. Talk it out so that you can organize your feelings and thoughts. Once you've got everything in order, you can make an honest decision about whether it was a mistake or not and whether you're interested in trying again later.

Suzz04

i don't know... i just got called the biggest bitch ever. all i do is yell at my child.... yell at him.... i snap over little things... and "he's tired of getting yelled at and hearing bitching all the time" and..."you're never happy cause you're always bitching and moaning about something"

first person i spoke with about it... told me i was a idiot..and he was a idiot.... bah.... i'm not sure whether or not to get angry...cry.... or what....

to be honest... i'm sick of taking all this medicine for my bipolar (i have too.... nothing else worked up til i went on medication) and i'm sick of being verbally attacked by my 11 yr old all the time... we're in the "you're stupid and i know everything" stage....

it's hard not to lash back when someone is lashing at you. and i can't get it talked out because when i try it seems like i'm putting my foot in my mouth and making it even worse.

edit : the part on the bitch was from my mother who says i do nothing but bitch but she doesn't know about hte other part

__________________
Quantum Cat Theory:
Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened,
it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

zed wolf

All I can say is a similar thing happened to me. My wife suggested an open relationship, helped me find another girl to be with. she started looking around swinger sites and stuff. I have no concrete proof but I blame this as what started the end of my marriage.
This experience has forever changed my feelings. I will never sleep with someone if they are with someone else, nor would I do that to someone else. It just isnt right.

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And we're the best that you could find?~~~~~~~~~ Bill O'Rights
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Willravel

If I could suggest something: try not to yell unless someone is far enough away from you where it is necessary for you to raise the volume of your voice in order form them to understand you. If you yell at someone, you might aleviate your anger for a moment, but you teach yourself to yell more, and when has yelling at someone ever been constructive? Have you ever been yelled at and thought to yourself afterward, "Wow, that was a great talk"? I stopped yelling a few years back, and I'm a lot happier.
Yelling is reflective with kids. One thing I find is helpful with my daughter is to put myself in her shoes. What would I have responded to when I was 3 years old? We were all young once, and it's really helful to draw on that. While I'm sure she's not the exact same person you were at 11, the perspective couldn't hurt.
Parenting requires the patience of a saint, the mind of a philosopher, and the heart of a hero. Do your best and I'm sure your daughter will grow to appreciate you.

ngdawg

I agree with Willravel; you have to pick your battles and most, on hindsight, just aren't worth it. She's 11 and she's pushing your buttons. The second you feel your voice start to tighten and rise, stop, walk away. Or, if you really want to screw with her head a little, go over to her and hug her without a word when she gets into the devil-child mode. Not yelling is harder than yelling-I still find my voice rising with my son sometimes(he loves to beat dead horses or tease way over the limit), but then I just tell him to stop or, when really mad, just to shut up and go find something to do...
Once one stress-maker is dealt with, the others get easier. You're going in two different directions which makes going anywhere impossible.
It would appear the crux of all this is that you feel totally out of control of the situations you're in. Sometimes we can only control ourselves, not the crises around us. Ask yourself questions instead of him. What is it you want? What is it you fear? When the answers come to you clearly, you'll be better able to state them clearly as well. Good luck.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

jerseyboy

Perhaps a 23 year old man just simply isnt ready to be involved with a woman with a child and an open relationship to boot. It just seems like a lot to deal with for someone who is so young.

Willravel

I'd like to edit this so as to fit myself in reality, though I may be an exception to the rule...as a 23 year old man with a wife and daughter.

Perhaps some 23 year old men just simply aren't ready to be involved with a woman with a child and an open relationship to boot. It just seems like a lot to deal with for someone who is so young.

Suzz04

As a update, my friend and I have talked and we seriously have no problems with what has happened, nor do we resent each other. We still love each other like the best friends that we have been for a while.

On a side note, one thing I forgot to include was the lenght of his and mine relationship. This is not a 6 months long .... this is we've been together for alittle over 5 years.

All that it seems to be boiling down to is holiday stress, him quitting smoking, and my adjusting to a new medication that is totally throwing me alittle bit. Oh, and losing my car to old age.

I've done alot of thinking. I still have no regrets. I wouldn't mind seeing another round of it happening. This is not some too the extreme move we've move. We've done quite a few new things over the years to build up to this point. And, a open relationship can or can not work depending on what factors are involved. Age really isn't a factor for us, but it is always one of the few questions that pops up from members, which is why I included it.

In short, I'm riding out til after the holidays are over. Mid January I'm thinking. About that time I feel that I can settle out til the following Christmas. For some reason, December seems to feel like the month that everything falls apart. I've always had car troubles around this time. My ex gives me a hard time over how we're splitting up the time for visitation. Which I really need to turn around and give him one over the July visits. I haven't gotten my turn in 4 years, so I don't do any fireworks which is no fun.

I still feel the same for him. And I still feel the same towards my friend. I'm trying very very hard to cut back on any yelling. I've given myself a few headaches so far in trying so hard not to. I'm not saying it's impossible to stop, but it's going to be a hell of a trip to stop. I think I've managed to keep it down to one yell so far but that was cause I was trying to get both my mother and daughter to stop bickering at each other.

Oh...and for you nail biters out there that have done it for years out of nervousness..... I'm trying to quit that and it's driving me insane!

So, in short, I'm adjusting to the best of my ability. Or.... at least I think I am.

Merry Christmas and thanks to all of you.

suzz04

__________________
Quantum Cat Theory:
Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened,
it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

Ourcrazymodern?

I agree with jerseyboy. Your boyfriend is only 23, for chrissake!
I went through the argumentative phase with the daughter, but to me this begs a question: Is your daughter aware of the situation? -that could certainly queer things for you!
I'm just guessing, based on my life, but look within and then decide where more "action" needs to be taken.
uh-oh.

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