Zar

I find myself in the most difficult situation I've ever been in.

I am engaged. I do not love my fiancee (I have never admitted this to myself explicitly before). I once felt something that I believed to be love, but in retrospect I suspect was mere infatuation. Even that is no more. The main feeling I have towards her now is pity.

I was stupid and naive with regards to relationships when we began our courtship. I committed myself to something that, in retrospect, was a horrible mistake. Without going into detail, I will say that I am unhappy with my life, myself, and my fiancee. I cannot spend the rest of my life with her and be happy. I've known this on some level for some time, yet I've stuck with it in hopes that matters will improve. They have not. I lie awake in bed next to her every night, thinking about how miserable I am, and how I need to end this relationship, to stop the bleeding. But I've lacked the strength of will. There are a couple reasons for this:

1) Her parents are paying for the wedding. They've already dropped a significant amount of money on vendor deposits. And recently her father lost his job. I like her parents. I don't want to bilk them.

2) I fear that I will utterly break her if I end this farce of a relationship. It is obvious that she loves me more than the world. I am the bedrock of her life. She is incredibly insecure. She does not deal with stress or conflict well. We have had two incidents in the past where a breakup seemed imminent. Both times she hyperventilated. The last time, she began to physically beat herself. I had to physically restrain her and threaten to call the police if she didn't stop. I care for her and want the best for her, but I cannot marry her. I fear (and predict) that if I break up with her, that it will ruin her life; she will drop out of college, will fall into a deep depression, may even become suicidal.

I wish I had never met her. Not because I hate or even dislike her, but because I believe that'd be less painful for everyone involved.

I know what I have to do; this post is really just a vent for emotions and thoughts that I've bottled up for the last year. Thanks for your time.

mixedmedia

I'm glad that you do indeed know what to do. In the long run, it is for the best. Good luck, Zar.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Lizra

Yes...thats too bad , but it is essential you begin the backing out process and move on. The parent thing is rough....parents mean well. Maybe she will become a little stronger and surprise herself in the end by surviving this....she will survive, she needs to learn this.....

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Happy atheist

ratbastid

People get cold feet before a wedding, and it sometimes makes them question the whole relationship. You should look closely at this and make sure that's not what's going on.

Assuming it's not:

If you have a good relationship with her dad, go to him and lay it all out. He doesn't want to see his daughter in a bad relationship, or divorced a few years down the road, and he also doesn't want to see her hurt herself too badly in a breakup right now. In short, he wants all the same things you want. He can help you tell her.

Sultana

Also, you could promise to take the debt upon yourself and pay him back over time. That's more than many in your shoes have done.

No matter how bad it may be now, if this is truely how you feel and it's not just cold feet, it's only going to get worse the longer you let it continue.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You have the power to get out of this situation. As someone very wise here said once, you are not responsible for her mental well-being, not even for her happiness. She is. You will not be doing her any favors by sacrificing your life and your happiness to prop her up.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

pig

what kind of time frame are you dealing with? given the hyper stress that seems to accompany these situations - any chance of getting into couples counseling, or just single counseling for yourself - some place you can discuss these issues in a fairly neutral environment? did these emotions you're dealing with start up only after y'all were engaged and the plans started to be made? it sounds to me like y'all have some serious co-dependency issues, and if nothing else she has some issues she should work out - regardless of your impending marital status. if you're just now vocalizing these emotions - that can be a pretty powerful period...you might give yourself time to inspect these feelings and try to get to the root of them.

if you're pretty clear in your head that you're not in love with her, and its a problem with her fundamental personality and/or your fundamental relationship, etc - then the best thing you can do is start getting out now. part of that is going to be talking about it with her, her family - whatever...but remember not to go in attacking. only makes it worse.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Sharon

I agree with ratbastid and Sultana - the way you have articulated your feelings is very clear and compassionate, and I believe that while her father may not like you particularly for doing this at this late stage, he will certainly respect you for thinking of his daughter's long term well being.

Please do let us know if there are any further updates... I'm interested to hear how it all works out, and wish you all the best in a difficult situation.

abaya

I echo everything that Sultana has said. Pay back the parents, and take responsibility for yourself--only yourself--in this situation. That would be the wisest, and ultimately kindest, thing you could do for her.

She has got to learn how to deal with life's shit at some point, and it starts here. This will certianly not be the worst thing she ever has to face in life, but perhaps it's the worst thing she's faced so far. Sucks to inflict that on someone, but if they haven't developed sufficient coping skills (or are not at least putting effort into acquiring them, via counseling or whatever), then that's not your job. That's just plain growing up.

Best of luck, man. Strangely, I don't know if this is relevant to you, but there are plenty of engaged/formerly-engaged people (typically women, but still very relevant to your situation) over on kvetch.indiebride.com who have suffered through doubts and either decided to go through with it, or broke up with their fiances and moved on. It may be helpful for you to see how women have dealt with similar situations.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran