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Zar · 12-10-2006, 02:22 AM

I find myself in the most difficult situation I've ever been in.

I am engaged. I do not love my fiancee (I have never admitted this to myself explicitly before). I once felt something that I believed to be love, but in retrospect I suspect was mere infatuation. Even that is no more. The main feeling I have towards her now is pity.

I was stupid and naive with regards to relationships when we began our courtship. I committed myself to something that, in retrospect, was a horrible mistake. Without going into detail, I will say that I am unhappy with my life, myself, and my fiancee. I cannot spend the rest of my life with her and be happy. I've known this on some level for some time, yet I've stuck with it in hopes that matters will improve. They have not. I lie awake in bed next to her every night, thinking about how miserable I am, and how I need to end this relationship, to stop the bleeding. But I've lacked the strength of will. There are a couple reasons for this:

1) Her parents are paying for the wedding. They've already dropped a significant amount of money on vendor deposits. And recently her father lost his job. I like her parents. I don't want to bilk them.

2) I fear that I will utterly break her if I end this farce of a relationship. It is obvious that she loves me more than the world. I am the bedrock of her life. She is incredibly insecure. She does not deal with stress or conflict well. We have had two incidents in the past where a breakup seemed imminent. Both times she hyperventilated. The last time, she began to physically beat herself. I had to physically restrain her and threaten to call the police if she didn't stop. I care for her and want the best for her, but I cannot marry her. I fear (and predict) that if I break up with her, that it will ruin her life; she will drop out of college, will fall into a deep depression, may even become suicidal.

I wish I had never met her. Not because I hate or even dislike her, but because I believe that'd be less painful for everyone involved.

I know what I have to do; this post is really just a vent for emotions and thoughts that I've bottled up for the last year. Thanks for your time.

12-10-2006, 02:22 AM	#1 (permalink)
Zar Tilted Location: St. Louis	Endings I find myself in the most difficult situation I've ever been in. I am engaged. I do not love my fiancee (I have never admitted this to myself explicitly before). I once felt something that I believed to be love, but in retrospect I suspect was mere infatuation. Even that is no more. The main feeling I have towards her now is pity. I was stupid and naive with regards to relationships when we began our courtship. I committed myself to something that, in retrospect, was a horrible mistake. Without going into detail, I will say that I am unhappy with my life, myself, and my fiancee. I cannot spend the rest of my life with her and be happy. I've known this on some level for some time, yet I've stuck with it in hopes that matters will improve. They have not. I lie awake in bed next to her every night, thinking about how miserable I am, and how I need to end this relationship, to stop the bleeding. But I've lacked the strength of will. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) Her parents are paying for the wedding. They've already dropped a significant amount of money on vendor deposits. And recently her father lost his job. I like her parents. I don't want to bilk them. 2) I fear that I will utterly break her if I end this farce of a relationship. It is obvious that she loves me more than the world. I am the bedrock of her life. She is incredibly insecure. She does not deal with stress or conflict well. We have had two incidents in the past where a breakup seemed imminent. Both times she hyperventilated. The last time, she began to physically beat herself. I had to physically restrain her and threaten to call the police if she didn't stop. I care for her and want the best for her, but I cannot marry her. I fear (and predict) that if I break up with her, that it will ruin her life; she will drop out of college, will fall into a deep depression, may even become suicidal. I wish I had never met her. Not because I hate or even dislike her, but because I believe that'd be less painful for everyone involved. I know what I have to do; this post is really just a vent for emotions and thoughts that I've bottled up for the last year. Thanks for your time. Last edited by Zar; 12-10-2006 at 02:39 AM..