How to make it more fun for her? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

cowudders14 · 10-14-2006, 01:16 PM

My wife and I had a fair few sex problems at the start - we first had sex about 2.5 years into our marriage )(we were both virgins up to that point), after employing the help of a sex therapist. I'm not going to go into the reasons for it other than they were mostly psycological (sp?). We've got through them now, and are now having sex about once a week, sometimes twice.

Foreplay is good fun - I can get her quite high just by playing with her and/or using a vibrator etc. The problem comes when we get to the actual sex part, i.e. penetration etc. She quite simply doesn't enjoy it. At all. It's not that she particlarly doesn't enjoy it, it doesn't hurt her or anything (well, it takes her about 20 seconds to relax and let me in, but we're ok after that), but when I'm thrusting etc, she's just lying or sitting there, not doing much. She says she enjoys it but she hardly even smiles sometimes - I feel like I'm in one of those old movies where you see the bloke walk in, grind on the women who is just lying there and waitnig for him to finish, and then goes away again. She tries to re-assure me that it's ok, and that it will improve with time, which I'm sure it will, but I'm wondering if anyone could come up with some suggestions on what I could do to make it more enjoyable for her.

One other important point: She's never had an orgasm. She's got pretty high, but never quite there - she'll always throw me off and tell me to stop before she gets there. That also irritates me a bit - I'd love to get her to have a massive orgasm, and I think she'd love it too.

We talk pretty well about everything, so communication isn't a problem - the sex therapist sorted that out! Having to discuss sex at great detail with someone else too makes talking about sex with each other a doddle!

Any suggestions?

Sage · 10-14-2006, 02:33 PM

Quote:

She's got pretty high, but never quite there - she'll always throw me off and tell me to stop before she gets there. That also irritates me a bit - I'd love to get her to have a massive orgasm, and I think she'd love it too.

It sounds like she's having trouble "letting go" when it comes to having an orgasm. Have you stopped going to the sex thearapist, or are you still going? Because it really does seem that she's still got some issues with the actual act of sexual penetration and the complete surrender that comes with orgasm. I really can't offer up any advice, not being a thearapist myself, but obviously there's still some resistance on her part that you both need to work through with the help of a professional. Good luck!

Lady Sage · 10-14-2006, 07:05 PM

I am not telling you to get her drunk as a bad thing so just hear me out.

I am fairly uptight as well and have some issues "letting go"

Pan did a naughty thing and got me drunk for the first time in my life which made me.... yeah in the mood and wow... I let go... and I liked it.

Alcohol can make her not care if she lets go

Tipsy drunk not barfing drunk though ok

Toaster126 · 10-15-2006, 04:27 AM

If she tells you to stop, I think that's a pretty clear sign you aren't going to make her come until she wants to.

SugahBritches · 10-15-2006, 08:20 AM

There are many women that don't have an orgasm until after children. I'm one of those women and I enjoyed sex before. The night I finally "let go", I'm beggin' the boss for us to "do THAT AGAIN!!!" He chuckled and said, "Give me a few minutes dear." LOL!

I'm not sure if it was all a mental blockage or if it was a physical one. But, I do know that it helps to be in a relaxed state. No outside thoughts, physically relaxed, and total focus of the moment.

Another note...........and one that I hope doesn't depress the OP, but some women actually reach their sexual peeks in their late 30's or 40's. However, I find that young women that feel good about themselves sexually, doesn't seem to have problems with orgasms. It helps if the young woman has had a good image about love and sex from their parents. And if the preacher actually recommended the book, "Joy of Sex". That was sure embarrassing at the time! LOL! But, if you figure the preacher says it's okay to have sex in any kind of manner and enjoy it, it must be OKAY!

Good luck and have lots of patience.

ngdawg · 10-15-2006, 06:35 PM

She is stopping probably for a number of reasons. The moment right before orgasm can feel extremely odd; the body tenses up, the clitoris feels like a tickle/pain surging through it. If she is not aware of the sensation, she'd be uncomfortable and think that she's going to hurt.
The obviously more important aspect is from your OP. It's clear there were serious issues and I echo the point that you need to continue seeing a therapist.
Orgasm is probably the most intensely personal reaction a person can have with another and the slightest self-conscious moment will prevent it. She needs to trust herself into letting go, in trusting that what she's doing truly is pleasure. Her issues are serious and can't be solved in a forum, no matter how good the advice might seem. Good luck.

cowudders14 · 10-17-2006, 12:58 PM

Hi all,

Thanks for the kind words. Sorry I've not got back sooner - I meant to get online last night but had a totally screwed up day.

Anyway, we stoped seeing the sex therapist a few months ago. We had finally succeeded in having sex and it seemed that we were starting to explore and have fun. We assumed it would all be ok. We are due to go back to the therapist in a few weeks time to have a final closure/progress check. I'll make sure I debate that well with the therapist when we go. I agree that she is having trouble "letting go". Then again, I suppose she took so long to just let me go 'down there' at all that it's still fairly new and almost scary for her.

I think I will also try the drink, although that might have to wait for the weekend. Leaving the house at 6AM and driving 100 miles to work isn't really condusive to drinking the night before! (That's just this week - I'm working on site).

ngdawg - She does say that the clitoris hads a lot of sensation and that it's a bit too much to cope with. That's presumably why. Thanks.

SB - We are both 27 so I'll take that as "the best is yet to come"

We have many sex books but they all seem to assume a starting point of a bit further than we are at the moment. Also, no kids yet, so again - "the best is yet to come".

Thanks everyone.

10-14-2006, 01:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	How to make it more fun for her? My wife and I had a fair few sex problems at the start - we first had sex about 2.5 years into our marriage )(we were both virgins up to that point), after employing the help of a sex therapist. I'm not going to go into the reasons for it other than they were mostly psycological (sp?). We've got through them now, and are now having sex about once a week, sometimes twice. Foreplay is good fun - I can get her quite high just by playing with her and/or using a vibrator etc. The problem comes when we get to the actual sex part, i.e. penetration etc. She quite simply doesn't enjoy it. At all. It's not that she particlarly doesn't enjoy it, it doesn't hurt her or anything (well, it takes her about 20 seconds to relax and let me in, but we're ok after that), but when I'm thrusting etc, she's just lying or sitting there, not doing much. She says she enjoys it but she hardly even smiles sometimes - I feel like I'm in one of those old movies where you see the bloke walk in, grind on the women who is just lying there and waitnig for him to finish, and then goes away again. She tries to re-assure me that it's ok, and that it will improve with time, which I'm sure it will, but I'm wondering if anyone could come up with some suggestions on what I could do to make it more enjoyable for her. One other important point: She's never had an orgasm. She's got pretty high, but never quite there - she'll always throw me off and tell me to stop before she gets there. That also irritates me a bit - I'd love to get her to have a massive orgasm, and I think she'd love it too. We talk pretty well about everything, so communication isn't a problem - the sex therapist sorted that out! Having to discuss sex at great detail with someone else too makes talking about sex with each other a doddle! Any suggestions? __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

10-14-2006, 07:05 PM	#3 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	I am not telling you to get her drunk as a bad thing so just hear me out. I am fairly uptight as well and have some issues "letting go" Pan did a naughty thing and got me drunk for the first time in my life which made me.... yeah in the mood and wow... I let go... and I liked it. Alcohol can make her not care if she lets go Tipsy drunk not barfing drunk though ok __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

10-15-2006, 04:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	If she tells you to stop, I think that's a pretty clear sign you aren't going to make her come until she wants to. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

10-15-2006, 06:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	She is stopping probably for a number of reasons. The moment right before orgasm can feel extremely odd; the body tenses up, the clitoris feels like a tickle/pain surging through it. If she is not aware of the sensation, she'd be uncomfortable and think that she's going to hurt. The obviously more important aspect is from your OP. It's clear there were serious issues and I echo the point that you need to continue seeing a therapist. Orgasm is probably the most intensely personal reaction a person can have with another and the slightest self-conscious moment will prevent it. She needs to trust herself into letting go, in trusting that what she's doing truly is pleasure. Her issues are serious and can't be solved in a forum, no matter how good the advice might seem. Good luck. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

10-17-2006, 12:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	Hi all, Thanks for the kind words. Sorry I've not got back sooner - I meant to get online last night but had a totally screwed up day. Anyway, we stoped seeing the sex therapist a few months ago. We had finally succeeded in having sex and it seemed that we were starting to explore and have fun. We assumed it would all be ok. We are due to go back to the therapist in a few weeks time to have a final closure/progress check. I'll make sure I debate that well with the therapist when we go. I agree that she is having trouble "letting go". Then again, I suppose she took so long to just let me go 'down there' at all that it's still fairly new and almost scary for her. I think I will also try the drink, although that might have to wait for the weekend. Leaving the house at 6AM and driving 100 miles to work isn't really condusive to drinking the night before! (That's just this week - I'm working on site). ngdawg - She does say that the clitoris hads a lot of sensation and that it's a bit too much to cope with. That's presumably why. Thanks. SB - We are both 27 so I'll take that as "the best is yet to come" We have many sex books but they all seem to assume a starting point of a bit further than we are at the moment. Also, no kids yet, so again - "the best is yet to come". Thanks everyone. __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

10-15-2006, 08:20 AM	#5 (permalink)
SugahBritches Insane	There are many women that don't have an orgasm until after children. I'm one of those women and I enjoyed sex before. The night I finally "let go", I'm beggin' the boss for us to "do THAT AGAIN!!!" He chuckled and said, "Give me a few minutes dear." LOL! I'm not sure if it was all a mental blockage or if it was a physical one. But, I do know that it helps to be in a relaxed state. No outside thoughts, physically relaxed, and total focus of the moment. Another note...........and one that I hope doesn't depress the OP, but some women actually reach their sexual peeks in their late 30's or 40's. However, I find that young women that feel good about themselves sexually, doesn't seem to have problems with orgasms. It helps if the young woman has had a good image about love and sex from their parents. And if the preacher actually recommended the book, "Joy of Sex". That was sure embarrassing at the time! LOL! But, if you figure the preacher says it's okay to have sex in any kind of manner and enjoy it, it must be OKAY! Good luck and have lots of patience.