Ustwo

Now this I think only applies to LONG term relationships. I'm guessing around 10 years plus, though I suppose it could be earlier for some people.

The theory is this. The higher the sex drive in one person, the lower the sex drive in the other.

I came up with this based on several people I know. Myself, I have a very high sex drive and have had it at this level constantly for years. My wifes sex drive has gone down to maybe 1-2* a week, sometimes less, sometimes more, but compared to our old days, its much lower.

Now I have a few female friends who are on the opposite side of this. They have HUGE sex drives, they are constantly horny and their husbands are barely interested. Sometimes they go for months without. Speaking with one of them a few days ago, she said all of her friends are the same as her, but one who is just the opposite and wants sex less than her husband.

So this is what made me wonder if there was some sort of correlation going on here. It seems that few people, who have been together a long time, both want the same amount of sex. It doesn't seem to matter if its the male or female, one isn't getting enough.

So what are your experiences with this?

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ratbastid

So the theory goes that if each person has a sort of middle-level sex drive, they balance out. If either of them has a high sex drive, the other will have a correspondingly low sex drive. If one is a total horny freak, the other is an asexual Ken or Barbie doll. Sounds like, in many cases, a recipe for a lot of frustration.

I don't know whether this is borne out by my experience or not. My sex drive is somewhat higher than lurkette's, but I wouldn't think we're balancing distances from "normal". We're probably both hornier than the average person.

We have a couple of friends who have very little sex life at all, and the only time there's a problem with that is when they think it's "supposed" to be some other way. They're both actually okay with having very little sex.

But these are exceptions that might go to prove the rule.

james t kirk

I would tend to agree with your theory. I don't know if it's cause or effect though.

I would lean towards effect.

As one partner loses drive or can't keep up, the other becomes even more driven and hence you get a snowball effect.

I have a male friend who has the perfect marriage, more so than any of my other friends. He and his wife get along perfectly.

But she can't keep up with him in the bedroom. Not even close, so he has his discrete affairs. He'll never leave his wife in a million years, but he needs to have his sex drive taken care of.

little_tippler

I agree with the snowball effect theory. I disagree with "having your sex drive taken care of" that way. That's BS.

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DEI37

We are both freakin' horny. In general, me more so than her, but both more than most people!

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Gilda

We've grown a little closer the longer we've been together, though we weren't greatly apart at first. Neither of us had been getting a whole lot before we hooked up and we went at it like bunnies the first few months and settled down a bit as we got a bit more creative.

It's only been five years so far, and we're both still in our 20's, so maybe we haven't had the chance to prove or disprove the theory.

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abaya

Whenever I am around ktspktsp, I think about sex a lot. I like to have it at least once a day, more if we can fit in it.

When we are apart, however, I don't think often about sex. Unless he is in a kinky mood online and we want to have some webcam action... I get turned on in a hurry, in that case!

We started off with him having a higher sex drive, I think... he wanted it all the time, and I would have preferred every few days. After 2.5 years I think we have kind of switched. But usually when we go through stressful periods, that's when his sex drive drops and mine increases because it's a way of releasing tension for me and connecting with him. It's at those times that I think the frustration is higher, but otherwise we just go back and forth, trading off on the drive level.

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Willravel

I'll let you know in about 6 years.

fresnelly

My wife and I seem to be in sync here. Both our drives have been up and down due to external pressures (work, parenting etc...) but when they're at opposite ends, it's no big deal. I guess our drives are moderate, and the rest of our relationship solid enough, that we can accept a dry spell for what it is and comfortably look forward to the coming deluge.

Our frequency has definitely slowed over the years, but our intensity is much, much stronger.

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Mantus

How can you test this Ustwo? Obviously the one who's sex drive is still normal will want more sex because they are denied sex. While the one who's sex drive is deminishing continues to experience whatever is causing them to lose their sex drive.


PS. I read this study about males getting used to their partners pheromones and thus losing intrest over time. I am sure anyone who's tried to have sex every day with their SO for a month experienced this.

What works to counter-balance this is exposure to other women's pheremones. So guys who work in environment with allot of women generally have higher libidos with their long term spouse.

Deltona Couple

BOING!!!!!

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ratbastid

I can see that. Also as the lower-drive partner gets more and more annoyed with the drivenness and pressure from the higher-drive partner, their interest will tend to decrease. Nothing kills sexual interest like pressure.

Ustwo

As much as people would hold such behavior as wrong, there is truth to it. The problem with affairs is there is a chance they would be discovered and ruin his relationship. On moral grounds what he is doing is wrong, even if he is being true to human ethology. Lucky couples are able to have their cake and eat it too so to speak, but it goes against the current accepted norm. Somewhat sadly we have turned out back on human nature in favor of the concept that humans have no instincts and such behavior is all taught. Prior to this period it was accepted that men would see prostitutes and have mistresses and still be good husbands. Now such behavior is vilified, but the instincts to have such affairs has not gone away.

I was thinking the same thing actually. I'm just finding a correlation, not a causation here. I told the wife a few days ago I should just deny her for a month or two

I think your first concept is correct. If you don't get it you want it more. This would make your sex drive seem to be going up, when its really due to just not getting enough for your current drive.

I don't believe in pheromones having a great effect on humans. We are set up different sexually, pheromones are more for animals where the females are only receptive when in season. This doesn't mean you don't get bored so to speak, only that I don't think pheromones are a cause.

My guess is what counter-balances this is being exposed to other females who you would like to have sex with. Men are visual and don't need smell to become sexually aroused. Thats why we have the titty board after all.

Polygamy is a natural desire for males (cuckholdry is more natural for females). Men can have several children a day if he has several partners, women can't, so there is a genetic advantage for men who have polygamous relationships. Men who were always turned on 100% by the same partner would have less children in the long run than the polygamist and we are decedents of these people.

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Kaliena

So far, my man has the higher drive and I've got the lower. However, instead of staying frustrated, we're trying new things and I'm trying to find ways to increase my drive...

Not sure if this contributes to the discussion or not...

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Mantus

I agree with your critique of the idea proposed Ustwo. Nice.

As a rule I think people should focus on quality. Quantity isn't the best barometer of a good sexual relationship.

james t kirk

Most of my married friends cheat. Male or female, at some point or another, adultery occurs.

I've come to find it more amusing than disgusting, but I think that I am older than most people on this forum. There is an old saying which is oh so true...

"I used to get disgusted, now I just get amused"

My one friend who is married that I cited in my previous example does not have a GF on the side. He picks up women easily as he is a good looking guy and very charming. Women just go for him in a big way. He never hides the fact about being married. Sure, he gets turned down when the women find out he's married, but more often than not, they don't care and the panties come off. He has had a series of trysts, call girls, etc., but he has never ever had a GF on the side. That just gets too complicated. He's in it for the sex, not the heart. He has that at home.

As I said, of all my married friends, his is the strongest of all the relationships I have observed. Now, that's not to say that by him having trysts that the result is a happy marriage, however, my point would be that just because one has a series of affairs, does not preclude one from having a happy marriage.

Though, he does have to be careful not to get caught since his is not an open marriage.

Sugarmouse

I guess in long term relationships things become habitual..and if one party alwasy initiatessex,the other one will never,as s/he always expects to be told when sex is on offer, and not have to ask or initiate it...is that kind of related to your theory?

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Ustwo

While I can understand your friends motivations, his relationship is not as strong as it could be. A strong relationship is an honest one, one slip of the tongue and his strong relationship could fall apart about him, which is sort of contrary to the definition of strong.

A strong relationship can make allowances for any circumstances and won't be threatened by truth.

Yes it is related, and I'm sure one of the most consistant gripes out there is how one part of the couple always has to be the one to initiate sex.

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Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Apache

My husband and I have been together 8 years (married for 7) and we have had this very problem lately. When we first met it was like most relationships, hot and heavy and all the time. But since the birth of our son (he's 18 months old) my sex drive seems to have disappeared and his has gone through the roof.
It used to be 5-6 times a week maybe more, and now it's about 2 maybe 3. It makes me so mad too, because I love sex but something happened to where it's just like "whatever". When we do have it, it's still GREAT, I just have a very hard time getting in the mood. It really really sucks.
I like this theory though because it means it's not just me. LOL

james t kirk

Ah, the mothering gene has turned on, and the sex gene has turned off.

BTW, 2 to 3 times a week is still pretty often, especially for a couple that has been together for 8 years.