Smooth23

So I've been going with this girlfriend for about a month now. Everthings great, lover her to death and I get that in return. I've got one thing that is kind of irking me though. I work a crazy schedule, and so does she, so we don't get to see each other very much, especially during the week. I was out of state all last week, and since I've got back I've seen her for a grand total of 1 hour. We figured out we would be able to have another few hours together one day before I had to work, and she then ended up making plans to go to a movie with 3 friends from one of her jobs. 2 guys and 1 girl as it happened. It kind of pissed me off that she would make plans to see a movie(that she's already seen) with people from work that she gets to see every day, then when I found out one of the guys was paying for her(apparantly as repayment of a debt) I just about lost it. It gets better though, whether she realizes it or not, the guy that paid for her is trying to get into her pants using the tried and true line of "I'm having girlfriend problems and thinking of leaving her". Enough of my long little rant, now I just need some advice. How do I get her to A. Stop hanging out with this one guy outside of work(selfish? yes, Neccessary? yes.) B. Realize that I've been adjusting my schedule with her all along, so she needs to do the same? Preferably all without seeming like an asshole.

monkeysugar

Dude, you've been seeing her for A MONTH. She's probably been friends with them longer than she's been dating you. The stuff you want to say, I can't think of anyway of saying it without sounding like an asshole.

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LLL2

I don't want to sound like a dick, but you don't buy stuff for her do you ? Like if you go out to dinner and stuff. I heard and seen women just have lots of guy(bf,friends) around just so they get a free ride on some stuff. I guess that might be my problem. We as guy need to have the same feeling, Bitch buy your own shit ...I could be wrong, don't listen to me.. But have you had sex with her yet? If not she could be using you, That's of course if you do buy things.

Demeter

If you don't trust her to not to bang some other guy when she's seeing you, break it off. You have trust issues.
You cannot control her life. That is just so wrong I don't know where to start.

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slimshaydee

you can't have that much trust for someone after only one month...

dlish

if ure that possessive over her..quit ure job and move in with her. that way u can control her every move..otehrwise just live with it. not all men shower their friends with gifts to get in their pants.

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little_tippler

I think you're all coming down too hard on him. People get jealous, he's trying to work through that. I would also be sad to know that the one day I have a few free hours to spend with my partner, especially after being apart a long time, they choose to go do something else, with people they can be with every and any day. At the same time, it's only been a month. I think you need to cool down and be patient. Try and spend more time with her, and never mention this friend. If you let it go, it'll blow over for her too. If she's smart she will see through the guy's tricks, and if she likes you enough, she won't cheat. Just wait and enjoy what time you can spend together. It's too soon to come down that hard.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

lurkette

You don't "get" her to do anything. She's not a puppet to be bent to your will. Like others have said, if you don't trust her, why are you with her in the first place? All you can do in a relationship is express your feelings and make requests, and then take what you get. If what you get is not enough, then it's not the relationship for you.

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Jinn

I'm with tippler on this one.. you guys are being just a lil' harsh.

However, Smooth.. this is something that you two need to discuss, not us. Make it clear to her (without demanding, arguing, or even pleading) that you'd really like to spend time with her and it would make you happy if she could schedule some time for just you two. There's a huge difference between saying "WELL, I'd APPRECIATE IT (with a demanding tone) IF YOU COULD MAKE SOME TIME FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND" and sayin that "I'd really like to spend some more time with you, just you and me." "Do you think we could schedule a time for just us?"

If, after emotion-filled and honest discussion you cannot seem to get any of her time, then follow the tried and true:

'Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option'

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captobvious

I'd have to agree with the previous posts that this is a jealousy issue, and it will take a great deal of patience to work through it. You can't force your girlfriend to stop hanging out with a friend (even if you think he's just trying to get into her pants) or expect her to match every sacrifice you make to spend time with her. That's unrealistic and the more you bring it up to her, the more she'll feel like you don't trust her.

You've only been together for a month. Trust takes a lot longer than that to build. It's up to you to decide if what you're getting from her is enough, but you can't force her to give you more.

ShaniFaye

geez some of ya'll are being way to harsh....not all of us "trusted" our SO's from day one...thats not always an easy thing for some people right off the bat

I can totally understand why you would be hurt that she'd ditch already made plans for something she could have "done anytime" and I say that in the sense of .... it was movie with people she sees all the time. Thats just down right inconsiderate to me and I dont know that, were it me, I would be accomadating my schedule anytime soon for her.

You've got two seperate problems, you need to deal with the inconsideration fisrt before you tackle the "other man" problem, because quite frankly if she's gonna ditch you like that, she's not gonna care what you think about who she hangs out with.

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SAM821

well, lets put a little different spin on this.. first of all, You said you have been with her for about a month, and you also said that you both love each other to death... Personally, I dont think thats possible, and its as easy as this, If she fell in love with you that fast, she can fall out of love with you just that fast as well.. its happened to me before...

Now, on the same note, I will not bash you for being worried, shit I would be pissed too if that happened to me. You have every right to be upset. Now, because this relationship is so new, you cannot attack her for this. You just need to be slick and pick up any info from her about the situation, if she is being a little shady to you, then there may be some concern. Bottom line is, IT HAS ONLY BEEN ONE MONTH, so take things for what they are worth, and remember that you are still trying to win this girls heart.

Good luck and hopefully everything works out well...

Smooth23

All your opinions are valid- if not some of them rude. Thank you jennkai for the quote "'Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option'", I like it.
I should make something clear. I trust my girlfriend completely, and it is completely obvious to me whenever we're around that she is fully in love with me.

monkeysugar

So she has male friends who you think are trying to get in her pants, and that she's not changing her schedule to fit your needs the way you think she should be doing? It could be they do want to get with her and are using slick lines to do so. It could also be that they are in fact, having a problem with their girlfriend and need someone to talk to. I have a few very close female friends I talk to about all sorts of personal issues, and they do the same with me. I do this because I trust them and value their opinions, not because I am trying to "hook up" with them. It could be that you like spending time with her so much that you get very jealous when anyone else is spending time with her and you are not. As for her "needing" to change her schedule to accomodate your needs as you have done for her, did she ever ask you to change your schedule? Yeah, that sucks that you were gone for a week and your schedules are busy and you don't get to hang out much. Beginning a new relationship is always going to have some ups and downs. Hell, not just the beginning. Realize that it is a big change for both of you, and while she may love you, she probably doesn't want to spend all of her time with you. She doesn't want to stop spending time with the friends she had before she entered a relationship with you, and I would say it's safe to assume she wants you to do the same thing as well. And that's ok.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Smooth23

okay monkey, maybe you should go thouroughly re-read my first post.

monkeysugar

You and her probably should sit down and communicate your needs as adults. Ignore everything I had to say, for the time being. It'll all make sense later.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Willravel

I'd stick with this thoight before making any conclusions about anything. You love her to death and she loves you to death, too. You're a lucky man. Enjoy it.
What do you mean when you say "I just about lost it"? Was there a fight? Was there yelling? What was said?

One thing should be pointed out right away: I'll bet you have friends who are girls! Yes, it's possible to have friendships with members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on orientation) that are stricktly friendships...no romance involved. As is oft mentioned in Tilted Sexuality, trust is paramount in a relationship. My wife has tons of friends who are men, and I trust her. Likewise she trusts me. Did that trust develope instantly? Nope, but by the time we were dating we knew that trusting one another was more important than jelousy.
Ah, this is surprisingly simple. Your girlfriend has to make a decision: be 100% loyal to you and brush off this guy, flirt with this guy a bit, but stay with you, or leave you and get with this guy. Which do you think she'll choose? If your answer is #1, then you trust her, and I've enjoyed the thread. If not, then maybe you should open up a peaceful, respectful dialogue with her about your insecurity and her trustworthieness (sp?).
A) Civil communication between adults
B) Civil communication between adults

Assholes are as such because they choose to act in a way that is inconsiderate, rude, and/or selfish. This has to be about both of you. I'd start with the thought: I just want her to be happy, or something like that. If you like her, then you probably want what's best for her.