FallenAvatar

I've been in a relationship for the last six months with someone that I absolutely love. But due to certain things we are way to close, example being, we work together and because she had no other option we live together too. We recently went on vacation and got into a large fight that basically put us on the borderline of being broken up, I'm not sure if we're apart our together. It seemed while we were there that she just needed alone time and to be with her friends and that just couldn't happen with me there.

I bought a plane ticket in the middle of the night and left because I thought it would be the best thing for the two of us. Now two days after I've spoken to her once after I got off the plane and she's yet to contact me. We basically got to the point that we were around each other too much and there was nothing we could do about it. I knew that going on the trip was a bad idea but I did it for her. In reflection I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I have decided not to call her because I think if things are to really work out she'll call back.

My question here is what I should do, I know you all don't have all the details but this is eating me up inside. I know it's a short ammount of time in a relationship (for some) but I'm at the point that I would do anything for this woman because I love her. I want more than anything to have her call me or come home early like I did, but I get scared when I think that we could have actually ended this. There was talk about going back to being friends. I told her once that I'd always be up for that and now I'm not so sure because I'm too attached, but somewhere in there I think that she wants more then just a friendship. I want to note that although we fought, she did take me to the airport. She didn't kick me out of the car but walked me inside and talked with me for 45minutes. We said that we'd try and work things out when we got back, that she would move out and we'd try and start over, or atleast try and fix things. We hugged and kissed each other goodbye, but inside my head I'm still beating myself up because I'm sorry I left even if it was the best option.

I know that there is very little anyone can do and that I just have to wait this all out, but I'm looking for some sort of advice, ways to fix stuff and figure out what, if anything, I should do because I know this is going to take work.

GoldenOuroboros

I think you should talk to her, ask her all the questions you've asked us, if you love her as deeply as you say why wait for her to call you? Sounds kind of childish to me.

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FallenAvatar

Well, she been telling me recently that she needed more space, and I'm trying to give that too her now while she's around her friends. That's the only reason I'm not calling.

Well she called back and it seems that we're a little confused because we don't know if we're broken up, or together. She said she has a problem with problems and tends to run away so I'm hoping it's just that. Better news I guess.

Trithiri

Two days is not that long. Figure 10-12 hours of being upset (upset you left, upset you fought, upset in general, whatever--we don't always need a firm reason to feel upset), 8 or so hours of sleep, and sometime in this timeline you called her, if I understood that right. Figuring another 8 hours to sleep, you've given her one day or less to hang out with her friends and/or think about the fight. I think the reason it seems like so long for you is because you're still all emotionally worked up.

Relax. You need to get it out, fine. That's a good thing. Trust me, us women don't like guys who bottle up emotions! But you don't really need to go into with her right this moment, you've just got to get it out. Write her a letter. Or better, write yourself one. Talk to yourself about the whole thing, decide what you want and what you want to tell her, and then write her that letter. Get her some flowers for the next time you see her and attach the letter. If you're picking her up at the airport, leave the flowers on the counter or table or on the bed--don't hit her with it as soon as you see her again!

If you absolutely have to contact her before she gets back--you didn't say how long she'd be away--than make it something sweet and light-hearted. Send flowers to the hotel, or something like that. Write her a poem--sweetly romantic or even silly, but no angst!--and mail it to her in a romantic card. But she's on VACATION--give her a break! Let her relax, too! Put all the problems on the backburner while you both air out. I'm not saying to supress your emotions or anything like that, and I'm not saying to not discuss it with her ever. I'm just saying don't hit her with it when she's trying to relax.

FallenAvatar

I thank you for the information and ideas. Like I posted just right above she contacted me and wondered why I hadn't called, and I told her. She and I are a little confused it seems to whether or not we broke up, basically meaning we got into a fight and we aren't sure what the outcome was. She told me that she tends to run away from problems. I'm thinking she got homesick and was stressed and in the process couldn't handle the frustration, in doing so I think she tried to run. I'm hoping we can work this out, it atleast seems to me that we will try and do so. Happier news I guess.

maleficent

A fight doesn't always mean broken up... learning how to fight and fight fairly is a relationship challenge...


It's going to be tough to be in a relationship with a person like that... Running away solves nothing... you both need to face each other and talk - and if the worst case is that you do break up- so be it - but if you talk about what caused the fight (do not make assumptions - you say how you feel - let her say what she feels) it might make you stronger as a couple.

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Rodney

I think you can work it out. You should affirm that you both want to be together, acknowledge (as you have) that you're together too much -- by circumstance -- and try to set some ground rules for apartness. Which you both need.

You also need to agree on a good way for both of you -- especially her -- to bring up complaints before they grow into blowups. So you're going to have to 1) learn to have faith that when she's not with you, she's still with you, so you can let her have space (and you, too), and 2) make sure both of you know it's okay to be unhappy about something and that the other one will honestly try to address the problem.

Yours is a young relationship that grew maybe too intense too fast -- nobody's fault, but working together _and_ living together in just a few months is pretty stressful to a relationship where you still haven't and laid out all the ground rules and expectations. Actually, I think you've done pretty well to get this far before a blowup.

Oh yeah, one other key to a successful relationship: resolve all problems before you go to bed. Leave nothing simmering until the next morning, no matter how late you have to stay up. If you'd been able to do that when you had the argument -- or at least define the problem and agree you'd both work toward s a solution -- you wouldn't have gone through this hell of uncertainty. Fortunately, it looks like both of you really want to try to make this work. And I bet you will.

Hey, at least she's self-aware. That counts for a lot. Means she might not do the right thing in a crisis by instinct... but she'll probably come around to it when she thinks about it.

genuinegirly

well... i'm afraid I have no solution to the immediate dillema... but i can give you some advice on space.

find hobbies that the two of you can enjoy equally, but separately. Schedule some time apart every week, and be sure to have friends that you can hang out with separately as well as together. (ie - girls go hang out together while guys watch football or play video games)

Turbotom and I had it worked out pretty well last semester. He had college football, and I had an all-day Saturday art class. (this semester I'm 500 miles away and it's killing me to be so far)

the point is: have mechanisms in place that will allow you to safely, without offense, take time off from one another before the smother effect takes place. Your relationship will be happier for it.

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analog

If you continue to work together, your chances of fixing this are very, very small. Living together is likely not the real issue, it's just more obvious because at home you can yell at each other where you cannot necessarily at work. Get a job where you don't see her. Your relationship is being suffocated. You're with each other 24 hours a day, every day, and that's just not always a workable situation. Especially since you're with each other only 6 months now.

People need to be individuals, not just one half of a pair. If you work and live together, you're making it very difficult for the relationship to grow. Relationships grow when individual personalities blend, when interests combine and your unique qualities begin to compliment each other and bond- not when they're both stifled out of existence before you guys have created that bond.

So, recap- one of you go work somewhere else, or you may as well kiss this relationship goodbye. Literally. And just so you know- it should not be her that quits, unless you make WAY more than she does.

FallenAvatar

Well it has now come down to the idea that I really just have to wait till wednesday to see if she'll show up at the airport. If she doesn't then I know I've lost her, and even if she does show up that means almost nothing. I've tried to talk a bit about this on the phone and I've realized now that talking this out over a phone is a terrible idea and it's only going to work if her and I sit down and have a chat where we can see each other and look each other in the eyes and talk about our true feelings. So I guess now I just wait till wednesday, but I really have no idea what else to do to pass that time. I hope each day that things will get better but I'm still unsure about it more each and everyday.

Martel

No offense but it sounds pretty silly to me that you "don't know if you have broken up or are still together". Do you guys want to still be together? Then do it. Do you want to break up? Then do that. Don't just sit there... if you care about her and want to salvage things and stay together then say so. To her.

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Anamnesis

FallenAvatar

I have said that I want to work things out and she said that we'd talk about it when she got back, I think she's unsure, I'm just waiting now.