HoneyPot

Heres the scoop. I need some advice on what happened just last night.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 mos now and we've been very happy go lucky. No problems have existed or anything along negative terms, but a little something happened last night that makes me wonder if either I'm just being a dumb paranoid girlfriend (which I don't want to be) or if something really went down that I don't know about.
Ususally my boyfreinds goes out with his buddies every once in a while and when he gets done from the bars, he calls me and usually comes over. He didn't last night, which made me seriously worry. I didn't know if he was safe or what! So I call him this morning to see if he got to work on time and he didn't pick up, so me being the dumb ass I am I go over to his house and find out that he didn't make it home last night.
To make a long story short, he ended up staying at his buddies house, which is like 1/2 mile PAST his house. He said he was too wasted to get home and that his cell phone was dead, thats why he didn't call. He said some 'friends' from the town he was in brought him and his buddy home.
I just don't understand why they didn't bring him to his house? Why didn't he find some other way to get ahold of me? Am I in the dark about something or am I totally being out of line by questioning?
I will not be taken for a fool and I feel like I was.

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

Buk

Sounds like you are overreacting. A relationship is about trust, even if the opportunity was there to do something dumb he either did it or he didn't, you just have to trust him.

HoneyPot

Dangit! I was hoping to sound like I was overreacting! lol I have never been so close to someone and have NEVER worried so much!!!! Its hard for me to let me walls down and let people in and when I do I always get hurt. I'm trying to watch out for myself and I don't want to be taken a fool.
I have told him that I trust him, I just don't get why I didn't stick to my instincts? I'M SUCH GIRL!!!!

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

intecel

Most of the time, the most unusual explanations are the truth... This one time I went out with a friend, who was a girl, without my girlfriend... I met her at the bar, stayed later than her.. My car broke down, my phone was dead, and I fell asleep drunk in my car, until the morning... I didn't know my girlfriend's number because it was always just stored in my phone..

What do you think she thought?

xepherys

Yeah, HoneyPot, I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's probably the truth.

Bill O'Rights

That's key, right there.

While it's possible there's more to it...there probably isn't. Guys do stupid, irrational, unexplainable, off the wall crap. Especially when there's alcohol involved. Trust me. I know. I'm a guy. I've been walking this planet for over 43 years now. Oh...rest assured...I've done my share of stupid, irrational, unexplainable, off the wall crap.

Look, I understand that you've been hurt before. I understand that you don't want to get hurt again. I also understand that it's hard to let your guard down. We've all been hurt at some time or another, and I'm here to tell you...it sucks. But, unless you either want to join a convent, or be known as that crazy old lady down the street that has all those cats...you have to learn to trust. Without that...there really is nothing else.

My advice is to give your guy the benefit of the doubt. Unless there is substantial reason to believe otherwise, just chalk it up to boys being boys, shake your head and move on.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

snowy

Yeah, I think you're overreacting.

Take a deep breath and then go snuggle your honey and just be glad he's safe.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

HoneyPot

Well right now, I am at my house and hes past out on the couch. We were supposed to spend time together, but yeah...now I'm angry. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.

__________________
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

ngdawg

There's a way this won't happen again. The 'don't call night out apart'. It works like this: One night a week you BOTH go out with friends, separately. You don't call each other or sit home wondering. Works wonders, really. We did it, even after we got married and sometimes we ended up our nights at the same bar, but sitting with our friends, not together.
The reason this is needed: We're not attached to our SO's at the hip and doing things not together 24/7 allows us to be ourselves. He was being himself. If we don't allow this, we begin to lose part of who we are and when that happens, we end up resenting the person we're with for it.
Are you angry because he didn't lose part of himself to you? Didn't consider you in his decision to have a good time with his friends? Do you think he has to give that up for you?
Like BOR said, boys will be boys. Either accept him, his friends and sometimes the stupid things boys do, or don't. But if you are going to stew and wonder about what he's doing when he's not with you, then getting pissed when he's not 100% there after, you WILL end up resenting him because you will have felt like you're giving more than he has.
Start doing your own thing the nights he does instead of waiting around and wondering. You'll both be better off.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

analog

Yeah, you're being paranoid. To begin with, it's easily explained that the friends knew where the friend lived and drove them there, and your boyfriend wasn't paying attention as they drove home. The few times I've ever been driven home when I was drunk, I really was not paying any attention to where we were.

While ridiculous, the oddest explanations are most often the real ones- and just because you think your logic dictates x "should happen", that has nothing to do with reality. Take the fact that he was dropped off 1/2 mile past his own house. For some reason, you think that's weird/suspect. Well, that doesn't mean it is- it just means you've decided it is. Anyone's logic, and reality, are hardly the same thing in any case.

NoSoup

Or, it is possible that your boyfriend was so drunk that his friends wanted them at their house so they could make sure he was ok...

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I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

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Toaster126

Get over it. And if it bothers you, you should talk to him when he's feeling better.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

savvypup

It's hard not to overreact when something happens out of the norm, but it sounds in this instance that it is just that.

And not to be the devil sitting on your shoulder, but look for other signs before jumping to the conclusion that your guy's cheating and trust me, there will be other signs if it's the case.

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ciao bella!

HoneyPot

Ok so get this.... He changed his story. He said he stayed at a 'friends' house in the town he was partying at. I asked if there were girls and he said yes. Then remember the part about his 'phone was dead'? BULLCRAP! You know how I know why? Because his friend, we'll call him Dan called him at 4 in the morning, which is about the same time I told my friend, Mary, that he hadn't come home yet. Mary text Dan (b/c she is friends with him) and he called my SO at the same exact time. His phone wasn't dead. He could have called. I feel like something fishy is going on. Then I saw a text on his phone that said 'sup wit that jesse girl' at 3AM!!!!! What the hell!!!!! I'm totally not being paranoid on this one.

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

Cynthetiq

Stop mixing the pot, talk to him.

speculating here is just going drive you nuts.

ultimately this all is about communication between the two of you.

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tecoyah

Here 'Ya Go.....I'll give you exactly what you are fishing for:

Hes cheating on you with a Taiwanese Callgirl who pole dances in an alley behing the 7/11. He also loves to watch Midgets twirl Cats overhead by the tail late at night while you sleep. Once you come to terms with this oddity in his personality (and realize he flys to New Hampshire every other tuesday for sex with a sheep), all will be well between you two, though a well trained therapist would be benefitial in the following decades.

The point is ......you are destroying any attempt at happiness in this relationship by talking to Us...instead of him. It sounds as if you have already decided he is messing around, and so trust is a rather Mute point. If you actually want a relationship to work the #1 thing...the Basis of trust...the REASON love lasts....is communication.

You need to learn this part of the Game....and live it. otherwise you will continue to destroy every relationship you have, and feel the ensuing pain of loss. This thread is a freakin' Manual on "How to drive a man away".....I suggest you reread it with your Boyfriends eyes, and ask yourself if he would run like hell if he saw it.

I know I would

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

match000

Yeah, not to sound mean, but you're coming off as very needy and clingy.

Lady Sage

See... Pan would never do that to me. Shoot, he calls me at least 3 times a day while we are apart. Of course he knows if he ever cheated on me I would seperate his winky from the rest of his body but hey. As stated above time away is always good. I am free to go out with my friends and he with his. There isnt a question of faith. We wouldnt cheat on eachother.

Bill O'Rights

/me looks right
Convent
/me looks left
House full of cats
Absolutely.
Look...everyone needs a little slack, or give, in a relationship. We all need a little time, once in awhile, to go blow off some steam. Mrs. O'Rights gives me a lot of rope. I mean a lot of rope. I remeber one time, a few years ago, when I mentioned, in passing, that a bunch of the guys from work were meeting up at a local strip club. Although I had no intention of going that night, she basically handed me my hat and threw me out the door. Why? Because, not only did she recognize the need for me to go blow off steam, she also needed to get me out from under foot for awhile. And...(here's the important part) she trusts me. She trusts that I "know my way home", she trusts that I'm not going to try to come home if I've had a little too much, and she trusts me to call if I'm going to be late, or can't come home.
Ok...I'll be honest here. I'm bad, and I mean very bad about calling home. I know this. And she knows this. It doesn't mean that I'm out getting a little on the side. It just means that I'm bad about calling home if I'm going to be late. Although she does get aggravated...and believe me she does get aggravated (and rightfully so)...she still trusts me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...let up a little. Let him breathe a little. And, while you're at it, take a nice deep breath yourself. It's cleansing.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

absorbentishe

I really have nothing to add except... If he is lying, then it will come out sooner or later. Guys can't keep secrets too long, and one of his friends that knows someone will say something that gets back to so and so, then to you. Just talk with him, if he's lying you'll know just by body language, but don't, and I mean don't, be confrontational, or judgemental. If he speaks the truth, then you know what needs to be done. If he doesn't, then the trust factor has gone down.

But if something did happen, do you really want to know??

ngdawg

Why are you checking HIS text messages? I know they don't just pop up-you have to retrieve them. Why are you up at 4am telling a friend he hasn't come home yet and having HER check things out?
You're working very hard at sabotaging and finding any excuse to say you've been a victim of something, it seems. Like it's been said, talk to the guy, without accusing, without snooping and without playing victim. Be honest that you're 'maybe overreacting, but...'
Funny how we can work so hard to drive people away, then lament that everyone leaves us. Rein in the paranoia before that happens.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Toaster126

Quoted for truth. Listen to the guy.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

HoneyPot

Wow, I guess I was surprised on some of your quotes. I didn't expect some of them to be as negative as they were, but most them were really honest. One thing I have learned is that my love for him is UNBREAKABLE. I will admit that I'm acting childish and immature, thats all it takes before POOF hes gone. Thanks everyone.

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

maleficent

I really have nothing to add except that this statement sticks in my craw... Unless you are his parent, and he's got a curfew, or perhaps a prison warden checking up on prisoners out on work detail... He doesn't report in to you... He's a grown man, you are a grown woman... He went out with friends and had some fun... Do you expect him to report his whereabouts to you?

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analog

On the money. Especially the last line. Move away from the need to be a victim, and just get some rational, logical thinking going on again.

And we're all just trying to help by being honest. Sugar-coating things and being "yes" people won't do you a shite bit of good.

monkeysugar

I'd say he was really, really drunk and his friends wanted to keep an eye on him, they went to his friend's house to continue partying, he was testing the waters, or an elaborate combination of some or all of the above.

Sometimes when I find myself in certain situations, it helps me to do a little bit of role reversal in order to better evaluate my thoughts and feelings, so here goes: If you were having a "girls night out" and had made it clear to him that you were doing so, would you want him trying to track you down or keep tabs on you all night or would that make you feel like he doesn't trust you and doesn't value your need for some "girl time?"

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Xazy

Not much I can add here. Relationships are about trust.

My question is similiar to what others ask, the fact that you are checking his text messages, calling a friend to find out... Implies a lack of trust. Now if this is a one time thing, and you are concerned I would say you have to trust, and move on, and not 'sabatoge the relationship' (as others have stated).

But my question is, was there something else in this relationship that happened to cause you to question this time? Or is your concern based on something that happened in another relationship? If it is the first then we do not have all the facts, if it is anything else you need to give some space.

noodle

Been there. The whole freaking out about where someone is/was. It got me nowhere. Except to realize everything that all of the above people are saying is true. You have to talk. Let him know why you were/are upset. Spend some time doing things separately to build up that trust. Snooping in his phone is not okay. I'd have kicked my ex's butt if he'd ever looked through my messages because they're private. Just as I never looked at his. No matter how badly I wanted to.
After talking with him, we worked it out that if he was going to crash somewhere, he'd have a buddy send a text or something just to let me know he was okay. Why? Because he was on a motorcycle. That's the only reason. I worried about the other drivers, not him. I'd so much have rather he zonked out with someone, anyone, than drive home tired, intoxicated, whatever. Once we cleared that up, things went better. He thought I was being needy and bitchy and just wanted him home after I freaked out one night when he didn't come home. Once I explained it was only for peace of mind that he wasn't splattered on the road somewhere, and that I wanted him to go out and spend time with his friends, it was fine from there on that front.
My advice/thoughts on the situation? Don't snoop, call his/your friends. It's demeaning. Face each other like grownups and talk about it. Listen. No man wants to be with a Kudzu vine. Most women either.

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HoneyPot

THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is what I hoping to hear, someone who had actually experienced it. I love this! I really appreciate your honesty and your advice.

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

little_tippler

Well I'm going to be the only voice in this thread to disagree it seems.

The one time that happened to me, I was out with my ex and he said he was going to stay out a while longer. So I went home and he said he'd join me in an hour or so. I go home to bed. Wake up at 5 am and he's not there. Call his phone, it's dead. Start to worry. It's 7 am, he's not home. Decide to call a mutual girl friend who was out also. She says she put him in a cab home at 2am. She doesn't know where he is. Fast forward to 8 am. So worried I get in my car and decide to drive to where we had been. Find him half way home, he had decided to walk 50 km home along the cliffside, is pretty drunk and has bruises where he almost fell off the cliff. Then when I nag him because he did this to me and I was so worried, he throws in my face he didn't want to come home and went to a bar where he picked up two brazilian girls whose phones he had got (he showed them to me) and said he had almost made out with them. Almost. How's that for nightmare?

But yeah, we were having problems then. Also we were living together and I think there has to be a little more respect than this. So it could be nothing...or it could be something. I don't think you're paranoid, but I think it won't do you any good to worry about it, and it'll only annoy him. So let it go but keep your eyes open. Good luck.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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