taboo

I'm quoting this text from a response ShaniFaye wrote in another post, and I decided to start another convo regarding this, to hear everyone's thoughts..i don;t want to hijack another thread lol..

Personally, I disagree with the statement.
I can love someone to death, but still need my space and alone time, or time doing other things (either by myself or with other people)

I think it's healthy not to always be with your SO 24/7.
At least for me, personal space and liberty is very very important!!!!

I think loving someone in the true sense of the word, means that you also respect their needs and space. Otherwise, for me at least, the result is a "drowning effect".. for lack of a better word..

what are your thoughts about this?
I mean, does loving someone mean that you have to be all over them all the time? Does it mean you DON'T love them if you want to spend some time alone or with friends? Everytime I tell my BF that I need some space or want to see some friends (because every free second I have I spend with him, he gets all offended, and doesn;t understand me..)

MEAD

If you love someone in a healthy way, I think you wouldn't want to spend all of your time with them. Certainly they might be the most exciting person to be around, but I don't know if something/ someone could be so special as garner your 100% attention at all times. I think a great part about being in love is that you know you can spend time away from the person you love and not have to worry about what the other person is thinking/ feeling about you. You already know. They love you.

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"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
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amonkie

In my opinion .. in order for a relationship to be healthy and able to survive in the long run, both interested parties must retain portions of their individuality, to allow room for both personal and relationship growth. Being able to be secure enough in your relationship to have the trust and will for the occasional or regular desire for some "ME" time ... it seems only natural to me.

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abaya

I don't think the OP and ShaniFaye's statement are mutually exclusive. Sure, if you take Shani's quote out of context, it sounds overly needy... the "all their time" part. But most of us know Shani around here, and we know that she and Dave have an awesome relationship. I would say that what she has, works for her, and works for a lot of people in intimate relationships. Most people in relationships enjoy spending their free time together, even if it's just sitting in the same house, doing separate things (at least, I do).

I think most of us, given the question of whether or not we feel we have enough time with our loved ones (especially the most significant other in our lives), would say that we don't have enough time... simply because life is so damn crazy most of the time, and time gets eaten up by other things.

But, I think what Shani was responding to, was not that every couple should want to spend every second together... (which is what this OP seems to have picked up). Rather, I think she was responding to what even Little Tippler pointed out in the aforementioned thread:

The whole thing just sounds like an unhealthy relationship (in the other thread). I think Shani (and Tippler) was pointing that fact out... not that people should be obsessed with each other, but that they should at least *want* to spend quite a bit of time together. Why else would you be dating/married to someone??

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Gilda

Grace occasionally needs a little time away from me. I sometimes, less often I think, need a little time to myself. The vast majority of the time, we're happier together than we are apart, and the time we spend working more than gives us that "me" time that we need most of the time. Even then, there are times when we have different issues/interests, and it's good to be able to grow as a person apart from the person you love. I had my comic club back in California, and Grace had there and here her night going out to a local Jazz club. It's a little bit different from needing time apart, it's an opportunity to grow and develop a bit as an individual in a way that enables you to bring something back into the relationship.

If you don't want to spend all of your time with the person you love, that's not necessarily a bad thing. But if you don't want to spend a lot of time with that person, that may be an indication that the relationship isn't quite as strong as it could be, and maybe this isn't the right person with whom to be making long term plans.

Gilda

aberkok

If you don't spend any time apart, then what could you possibly bringing to the relationship? You have to develop individual experience in order to grow, talk and learn with each other. If all your experience is together, then it leaves you with little to talk about.

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abaya

Said beautifully and concisely.

I share some things with Gilda, here... needing a bit less time "away" from ktspktsp than he does from me. This is occasionally difficult for me, due to past issues that I am working on, but we continue to grow and learn to be more patient with each other.

And yes, despite our different needs for space, we pretty much love spending time together. I think that once the long-distance chapter of our relationship is over (often what causes me the most grief), I'll grow back into really needing my own, regular space, and we'll balance out.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ShaniFaye

those who came to my defense thanks lol I've posted many many many times that I dont think couples should be glued to each others butts and SHOULD have their free time apart.....what was quoted that I said was in repsonse to the the post where the OP said they loved this person but didnt want to spend 20 hours a day with them......and I still dont get it....when you love someone you WANT to be with them. I NEVER said no time apart. It was more of a .... well if Im not with Dave I DO miss him an cant wait to see him again kind of comment

make sense?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

noodle

I'm from the crowd that doesn't want to spend all of my time around the one I love. We drive each other nuts. But, when we are together, it's wonderful.

I think almost every relationship ends up going through at least one period of time where you spend a lot of time together (and want to) and periods where you want a little more alone time or time with friends. My again-ex and I tend to do The Intimacy Dance more than any other couple I know... One pulls back a little, the other leans in, circle in close to each other and rotate out again. We're currently on the Out Circle again after driving each other crazy when we were both a little too bored and a little too complacent. I enjoy my time away from him. It doesn't mean I don't miss him, but sometimes I don't want to be around him for a little while. And I love him with all my heart.

My favorite phrase? "Just let me miss you for a bit." And when we catch up to each other again, it's sweeter somehow.

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VirFighter

It is healthy to spend time apart. My girlfriend, April, and I have had talks about this. We see some couples out and they are basically referred to in the same breath like BobandSara rather than Bob and Sara. We want to be recognized as a great couple that love one another but we also want people to recognize that we are each a great person on our own.

In general I think time apart comes naturally and in most cases is just understood (at least in my experience but not always). Couples will go through stages of spending every waking hour versus having more time apart and obviously whether or not you live together plays into this also.

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ShaniFaye

I would like to quote my entire post that included that, so that ya'll have the WHOLE context of what I'd said (just to make me feel better lol)

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

MSD

No matter how much you love someone, you're still two separate people.

Willravel

I love Pringles, but I don't eat them all the time. Such is love.

snowy

My boyfriend and I are in the same room right now. He is doing something on his computer. I am doing something on mine. Earlier today I had some alone time while he was off at school and work.

I appreciate the time I have on my own; it lets me do the things I want to do for myself (today was play SimCity 4 for about four hours and watch the World Cup; other days it's book browsing, shopping, or going to the local pizza place by myself). Everybody needs some downtime sometime, even if they love another (and I love my boyfriend, very very much).

People in a truly strong relationship know they don't have to be in each other's pockets 100% of the time--but sometimes they want to be. I'd say my boyfriend and I are sharing space 40% of the time, directly interacting 50% of the time, and having our own time 10% of the time. And that works for us.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Sage

Once upon a time I had a BF that got offended when I wasn't "glued at the butt" with him. Our relationship sucked, we were constanly driving each other nuts, arguing all the time, etc.

I think there's two different ways of approaching being together. The first way, which is the way that Martel and I do it, is loving each other so much that you want to spend time together and enrich each others lives, but you also realize that it's a big world and sometimes you have to be apart. Work, school, whatever. When you're not together it's cool, you have a good time, you enjoy yourself, then you come home and cuddle with your SO and relate what you did that day.

The second way, and the way that it seems like your SO is relating to you taboo, is "OMG IF MY SO DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND EVERY SECOND WITH ME IT MEANS THEY DON'T LOVE ME OMG!" This is a very negative thought, which comes from being insecure and from having issues with trusting the other party in the relationship. Perhaps this insecurity can be overcome, perhaps not. You're still with that guy with the kid and the ex wife, right? Didn't his ex like, walk all the hell over him? That's probably where his insecurity comes from. In my expierence it's very hard to stick with someone who is insecure in the relationship as it leads to a LOT of tension and a LOT of headache. You can't give him security, he has to learn it himself. You can be there for him and let him know how much you love him, but if it ever gets to the point you're saying "How can I miss you if you don't go away?" I suggest you break up then and there. If I had done that it would have saved me half a year of heartache.

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taboo

that's exactly what I'm trying to get through to my bf...

abaya

I really like the way you broke that down, Snowy. I imagine that things would be fairly similar for ktspktsp and I, in the future (in fact, they were often that way when we lived together for 5 months a while ago, when he was looking for a job).

Since we pretty much just have weekends together, though, I'd say a lot more of our time is spent "directly interacting" (making up for lost time during the week!), and sharing space at times... with just a bit of alone time. But that is due to the LDR context, as I said before.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Infinite_Loser

Meh... Nothing is wrong with my relationship (Aside from the little bumps in the road here and there). Nowhere did I ever state that I didn't want to spend time with my girlfriend, and even stated that I enjoy being around her. As is, we spend a ton of time together during the week doing just about whatever. In fact, when I'm not in class or at work, I'm usually doing something with my girlfriend (95% of the time, at least).

The point I was trying to make, however, is that there's a difference between wanting to spend time with her and wanting to be around her all day, every day, 365 days a year (366 a leap-year). There are times when I simply want to do things which don't involve her being around.

This is my view and my view only, but if you're wanting to spend 100% of your time-- All the time-- With someone, then you might be a bit obsessive and/or possessive.

little_tippler

I think that in most relationships, the two people involved don't always want the same things at any given moment. I think though that you have to have your eyes open and know where the fine line is between "I want to spend time with him/her right now but they don't want to spend as much time with me but sometimes it's the other way round" to "I want to spend time with him/her a lot more in general than they want to spend time with me and maybe that says something about where we stand". Sometimes it should be an issue. It has to do with context, and where the relationship is at that moment. Sometimes at a particular moment your priorities aren't the same, but that's ok. If we all wanted the same things all the time, then we'd all be the same, but we're not.

I like my personal space, being a bit of an introvert, but also I know that if I love someone, that person becomes such a big part of my personal time that it almost seems natural to spend most of my free time with them, even if it's doing separate things in the same space, or at least to want to do that even if I can't. It's like they become a part of what is personal to me.

It doesn't cross my mind that I need my personal space and I want them to go away some of the time. When I'm with them it's great, when I'm not it's fine too. I agree that personal time/space should be available if it's wanted and not be something you have to negotiate with your partner. But if it's going to work out, it has to be mutual. The person I love is always in my thoughts somehow, even if I'm not with them. I'm not thinking, when we're together, "oh ok I really enjoy your company but for today I've had enough can you leave now?" , or when we're apart "I wish I could get away from him/her more often". That's not even a consideration. I think this is what Shani means.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918