rachael25

Hello! New member to the boards.

I'm a 25 year old mother of 4 (youngest being 4 months old). I have always had a high sex drive. My husband's drive for intercourse, on the other hand, is very comparable to most married women though he does mastrubate on a very regular basis.

Lately, I find that I'm very much unsatisfible. We have sex 1-2 (though I'd like it to be much more) times a week, and I do reach orgasm 95% of the time. However afterward I'm still ready to go. I feel like a man walking around with a constant errection. I mastrubate around 3 times a day, and could probably do it more given I had no interuptions from my children.

I love having a high sex drive for the most part (it can be fun), but because my hubby's drive is so opposite of mine it can make for some really depressing nights.

Any thoughts on either: Curbing my drive ~or~ increasing my hubby's?

Zeraph

How about having your hubby bring you a couple times before he finishes? With hands, toys, mouth, whatever.

doncalypso

rachael25, you should try giving your hubby oral sex to get his engine started. Try giving him head until he cums, and keep going until he gets hard again... that should really make him wanna bone the hell out of you.

I wish my girlfriend had a sex drive like yours. I'd be the happiest man alive.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Martel

It sounds odd to me that he would be choosing to masturbate rather than have sex when it sounds like sex is freely available and in fact you wish he would have more of it with you. I'd say there's something about the way sex is working for you guys right now that isn't quite giving him everything he's looking for. See if you can get him to open up about it and talk to you. That may be difficult though, but as Don mentioned 99% of men in relationships would kill to have a woman who wanted sex as much as you do.

Whatever you do, DON'T try to stifle your own sex drive. It's a very good and positive and healthy thing and you should definitely not try to mess with it.

__________________
Anamnesis

Redlemon

What Martel said. But don't talk about it in bed; find a quiet time when you aren't pushing for sex and the kids are busy/asleep/away.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

maleficent

Ok - you're 25 and have 4 kids... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he might be a little frightened of having sex because it seems to result in a whole lot of children (not that there's anything wrong with that... but...

That could kill the sex drive of a lot of people...

__________________

onodrim

I agree with the past few posts. Since you mentioned that he is masturbating regularily, I don't think the issue is that he doesn't have/has a lower sex drive. The issue is that he's not having sex with you. The only way to find out why is to talk to him. Mal's idea is a very strong possibility I think. Either way, the answer here isn't lowering your sex drive or increasing his, but finding out what's at the root of the problem. I hope you're able to talk about this and solve things.

__________________
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

rachael25

The mastrubation vs. Sex issue is something we argue about once a month or so. I'm tired of arguing with him about it, so I decided to just deal. That is why I started mastrubating again, something I had not done since we moved in together (8 years ago this month).

I very much enjoy when we have sex. He says he enjoys it as well, though with him you never know lol. He lied about mastrubating nearly every day (and still does) though I know differently - I'm not dumb, and have my "ways" of checking. I just decided, I'm not going to get flustrated by it anymore.

I'm beginning to think my constant need comes from that old saying - you want what you can't have. I'm also beginning to think the reverse is true as well. Perhaps if I wasn't so "easy" about sex he'd want it more?? I have NEVER rejected sex from him, so perhaps its time I start. After last nights disappointment I think I'm going to abstain from sex for awhile ( if its possible lol). I think it will be a huge test of my will.

Sex isn't boreing ...at least I hope it's not boreing. I try to do different things in bed to keep monotany from setting in. I never "ask" for sex. I will flirt with him thoughout the day..drop little hints...random passionate kisses etc. Some nights I will grab his goods and go to town with manual / oral stimulation. Other nights its just soft kissing and petting to get him going. I've offered to watch porn with him, tried talking to him about any fantasies he has that he'd like to fulfill. I think we are just two totally different people in this department, and there is nothing I can say or do to change that. So I will revert to one of my favorite sayings:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

~Rachael

rachael25

Nope. I was fixed after this last child (got my boy!). Though only 1 pregnancy was planned, 3 were on BC Pills ( they never did work well for me, even on double strength). I'm also still taking the pill, a lighter version, to control my menstrual cycle. Though I really do wish that once a woman gets fixed Aunt Flow would quit visiting!!!

~Rachael

maleficent

there's also a school of thought that says some men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual beings after they've had a child... (that whole Madonna/Whore complex)

Has he been like this since day one? Or did his interest in intercourse decrease after the children?

What's he said when you have talked to him about it?

__________________

rachael25

He's been like this since I met him. He used to say he was just a prude - and wasn't really interested. He also used to say he never looked at porn. I, being naieve, believed him. I also want to note, though it may not hold any merit - He is the only partner I've ever had. He has has one other before me that I know of. When I talk with him (and we have talked about this alot, especially this last year) he says he's just not really interested in sex most of the time. Sometimes he jokeningly, though I'm not so sure he's really joking, that it's just too much work.

I , like many of you, believe there is more too it than not being interested. He mastrubates often..so obviously he needs that relese..weather that release has anything to do with sex or not is mystery to me.

absorbentishe

I have a friend who was like that, he wasn't as interested, and she was all the time. We used to joke that we should switch partners. Not sure what became of their situation after they had a child or two. It wasn't that he didn't think about sex (like most men), when the time came, he just had other thoughts that curbed his desire.

In my relationship, my wife has never had a strong drive, and for a while, she was using a steroid cream to help her get going. Now that she was turned 35/36, she is very much in the mood for 3 weeks every month, and one of them is when flow is around. I take what I can get, although she is just now becoming adventurous. Last night for instance, when we left the tanning salon (she tans), she wanted to go somewhere, and we found our favorite parking spot and had some serious fun. She even took her clothes off in the car while I was driving to show how much she wanted sex. Now that was totally not like her!!

Halx

I think the physiological answer could be staring you in the face. His masturbation takes care of his desire.

Is he a very stressed person? Under stress, people develop habits. Masturbation is a habit. I remember being the most stressed, depressed, uncomfortable SOB on the planet, yet I could still whip out my porn and feel good for a couple minutes. Maybe the kids are stressful. Maybe he's ashamed of something. Is he religious?

I don't think this is all too complicated... nothing really is. Just look for reasons why he could find some anxiety about sex.

Going off on a tangent.. if he somehow found shame in sex (either by religious teachings or by societal standards) then it would make sense why he would masturbate, but not admit to doing so. Claiming he is prude is a good indicator. Even though you've moved past that hurdle, it's still and always will be his guilty pleasure. The fact that he masturbates will curb his sex drive when the time comes.

Anyways.. just a thought.

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

abaya

Yeah, if you said your husband didn't masturbate regularly, then I'd believe that his sex drive is actually lower than yours. But the fact is that he does masturbate regularly, which mean he probably *does* have a sex drive equivalent to yours, if not higher... so there is something else going on. Have you talked about how this makes you feel? (I don't mean arguing about it, which you say happens once a month... I mean actually communicating your needs and finding out what his are.)

I find masturbation to be a good indicator of sex drive in general, at least as a baseline... I'm in a long-distance relationship, so my bf and I take care of our own needs during the week and tell each other about it (it helps to know how horny we are each feeling), and then bang each other silly (on a good weekend) for two days. I suppose it will all even out once we actually live together.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

SecretMethod70

To echo everyone else, sounds like you two need to have some serious - and CALM - discussions about this. He seems interested in sex...just need to figure out why he doesn't seem interested in YOURS.

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Pip

Actually, his drive to have sex with himself (masturbate) doesn't need be connected with his drive to have sex with someone else. Masturbation isn't always a substitute for 'couple' sex. That's the way it is for me at least, I enjoy masturbation but 'couple' sex has never done anything for me. So maybe he is a 'prude' as he says.

Toaster126

Just to give my two cents here...

Sometimes it is a lot of work to have sex with another person, especially if you are a man. I can understand choosing to masturbate over having sex. Perhaps you should accept twice a week.

Also, my masturbation habits have no correlation whatsoever with my sex w\ other people frequency. I would wager lots of people are the same way.

As an aside, I wonder if the advice would be the same if the genders were reversed. And by I wonder, I mean I don't think it would at all. Think about it.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

rachael25

I thank you all very much for your replies. We have talked about things, and he says it's just not something he's very interested in doing. Sometimes its fun, but most of the time he'd rather pleasure himself. (heck! He fell asleep last night trying to watch a porn with me...)

My question now - since more sex isn't an option - is how in the heck can I cope? I am very jealous of his mastrubation habbits. I'd prefer the real thing over pleasuring myself. I don't want to change / suppress my sexual feelings, and it's obvious I'm not going to change him (trying to change someone, especially someone you love, is BAD). I'm madly in love with him, we have 4 beautiful children together, but I'm just not sure what to do now, lol.

~Rachael

blahblah454

I am not really interested in sex all that much but my lady is, she could have it like 5 times a day and still want more. To me sex is great but I honestly get bored with it, I know this sounds bad but I do lose interest in it and just dont really care for it all that much. But when my lady just attacks me and starts it and lets me know how bad she wants it I enjoy it so much more. I dont know where I am going with this, just that not all guys want sex all the time. Masturbation is fast and easy, sex is hard work.

Don't compare sex drive to masturbation either, for me they have absolutely nothing to do with one another. I could masturbate for any reason, sometimes its because I am horny, sometimes its because I am really angry, sometimes I want to fall asleep, sometimes I am just bored. But I do find it odd that he would lie to you about masturbation and looking at porn.

Halx

Rachael, you're going to have to rape him.


Actually, I'm all out of good suggestions. Maybe sex is more of a chore for him. Masturbation is easy, but sex takes effort. It's hard enough to get excited about it when you have your partner breathing down your neck about it. I'm not blaming you, but it doesn't always help to talk.

This guy needs some peer pressure. Get him some friends who like to brag about how great their girl is in bed. He'll appreciate you more then.

We never like to encourage people to cheat, but if I were in his position, I would be worried about my girl looking elsewhere. I mean, somewhere along the lines of a relationship agreement has to come sexual gratification. A lot of people like to shove that to the back and they consider it just one of those extras about a relationship. Well, they're wrong.

Anyways... yeah.. rape him.

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

blahblah454

I agree with Halx on that one. Just rape him for sure. Tie him to the bed while he is sleeping and then just have your way with him.

Martel

At this point I'm going to have to agree with what Toaster said about gender...

If it seems like he's saying sex takes too much effort, next time you just absolutely can't contain yourself wanting to have sex with him try and set something up so that all he has to do is sit back and enjoy and not have to worry about if he's doing this or that or anything at all that would take his mind off of how great it is to have sex with you and how awesome it feels. Maybe sex has just become such a big issue in his mind (that he can't satisfy you or isn't good enough) that he has a hard time really getting into it without thinking about all of those things. Make sure he knows that HE is what you're into and that the sex part is really just a wonderful side benefit of your marriage.

I'd be really surprised if he didn't come around eventually, just try your hardest not to ever be negative about it or critical of him. Sex is a great and wonderful experience for you two to share and with four kids he's obviously been into it at some point.

__________________
Anamnesis

Redlemon

How about "Honey, do you have a single buddy that you could invite over when you aren't in the mood but I am?" It might get him thinking a little stronger about fulfilling those needs himself.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Beyond_Borders

Im agreeing.. MAKE sex exciting for him, wake him up with oral, or walk into your bedroom naked and just pounce. Or Rape him.. that seems like a popular suggestion lol

__________________

maleficent

I'm hoping that the suggestions of raping him are jokes...

there's more than one thread in this forum where the genders are reversed... where the male has the higher sex drive than the female... I'd love to see the reactions of the peanut gallery if anyone suggested raping her to get her in the mood.

Sexual compatibilty can be an issue in a relationship, and hopefully it's found out before there are children in the picture, it sounds like it's been an issue since day one in this relationship. If not then, a person has to decide how important it really is to them if everything else is just hunky dory.

If just talking to him isn't working, i'd suggest perhaps that the right questions aren't being asked, or the answers aren't being made clear, and perhaps some couples therapy might be in order, at least to give some middle ground where you both can be happy.

__________________