Beautiful

Okay so I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. And the past few months we haven't really had a sex life. Reasons ranging from him living at home and feeling like someone's going to walk in to him being tired. And he told me that i make it seem like a chore b/c i ask rather than do anything. idk. I want to have sex always but I don't really make any moves because I feel uncomfortable. I have had a crappy past and am really self concious. Partially it is my fault because of that but i get nervous. so now i am asking for advice because it's causing fights between us because i feel like he doesn't ever want me. I know he loves me and he says he wants me but he told me last night that he hasn't been turned on lately b/c i don't make any moves. and i know the saying actions speak louder than words. I know he's attracted to me b/c he makes me feel great about myself all of the time. him saying he hasn't been turned on of course offended me completely b.c i feel he should be turned on by just looking at me. also i am very sensitive. i consider myself to be a pretty girl. and now i am realizing that him just looking at me and wanting was only true during the beginning of our relationship. so any advice on things i could do that won't make me feel like too much of an ass?? help...

maleficent

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes for one minute... How woudl you feel if you were the one that always made the first move? that always initiated? Frustrated? Bored? Annoyed? Not worth the effort? Relationships involve TWO people-- you are one of those two people... Sex involves two people... you are one of those two people - you have to make the effort.

You seem like you have a good relationship with your boyfriend, why not make the first move? DO you think he'll reject you? Why uncomfortable?

Small stuff I'm sure will go along way... Give him a back rub... surprise him by wearing something that you feel sexy in when he comes in the door from work... Leave him a frisky message on his cell phone voice mail... Stop waiting for him to come to you... stop asking and just do it -- figure out a night where the rest of the family will be out... and just do something...

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BigBen

Tough one.

2 years is a long time, and I think the honeymoon might be over.

Yes, always initiating sex is a drag, to the point that I just give up. 'Why is it always me that starts things? Maybe she doesn't want me, she is just choosing the path of least resistance'

Living at the folk's place is a definite turn-off. I can't get busy when the family is around. Just doesn't work for me. I have no other advice on that one other than move out, and that is not always possible.

Hey, this is the Tilted Forum Project, so any thread has to include the line "Communicate with your partner about how you are feeling." But let's get past that. Make sure you talk to him about this, but let's see what else the ol' thinker can come up with...

I like the idea about wearing something sexy all day and then surprise him and tell him "I wore these stockings all day because I was thinking about you this morning. I know they turn you on, and that turns me on..." That is hot. Uber-hot. Letting him know that you were obsessed about him (physically) all day is an excellent idea.

Spontaneous and fast sex is the key here. If you have 4 minutes of alone time between him getting home and the folks coming home, jump his bones. The fast ones are good. And if he is tired (like you said) it is better than a marathon session.

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Beautiful

thanks. i understand what you are both saying. i just have to do something..like don't over analyze it. i'm a proffessioanl over analyzer... which isn't always a good thing. I just got off the phone with him and we talked about how we more so i discuss it way too much which makes us both feel dumb. when we r just hanging out he knows that i'm waiting for him to make amove which then he over analyzes. he sees that i'm upset about it so he wants to avoid the whole thing. which i understand. after reading what u 2 said i was trying to think of something ti could do then i felt dumb bc me and him just got in a fight about it last night. then again thats me over analyzing. i need to have some guts and be a little impetuous. thanks guys..

maleficent

there's an expression used quite often - paralysis by analyis... at some point you just have to do it... and stop analyzing...

It's not even guts that it will require... do what feels good to you... i'm pretty sure that he'll reap the rewards...

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MSD

Something happened to you and you have self-esteem issues. I know how it feels. Your boyfriend knows you're attractive, you know you're attractive, but only one of you is really believing what you say. You need to look at your past, see what you've overcome, and tell yourself that you're not what anyone else said you were, and even if you can't get over somethign that happened, reealize that you're a different person now; you said you had a crappy past, not that you have a crappy life; somethign has changed for the better, and you are bopth the cause and effect of that change, you just need to realize it.
I don't care if you are the single most beautiful person in the world, it just doesn't work that way. Trust me, I have a Y chromosome and I know how these things work.
The honeymoon is over. Fairytale romance only lasts for a little while, then you need effort from both sides to keep it going. This doesn't mean anything is wrong, but you don't have the thrill of it being a new thing anymore.

What you need to do is force yourself to overcome your inhibitions and make a move. Go out, ifnd a nice place t odo something romantic where you won't be interrupted or seen, and do something there. Some ideas: go hiking and make use of the picnic blanket, defile your elementary school playground, go to the beach and throw a blanket over a table (not one the sand, trust me,) figure out when the automatic sprinklers on the local golf course turn on at night and run around naked together, just be creative.

Seaver

Whisper what you want to do to him in his ear while you are out eating. While sitting next to each other let your hand graze the inside of his thigh. Stare him straight in the eyes, pull him tward you and give him a strong, passionate kiss. When yall are watching TV, turn it off and stare him in the eyes while you get on your knees and pleasure him. Tell him how wet and excited he makes you, that you crave his touch.

There are MANY ways you can take control. The BIG thing you cant do, which you have been doing, is nagging him. This just makes him want it, and thus you, less.

maleficent

Depends on what's on the television.. or else that could backfire...

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ryske

HaHa, yes for sure take that into account before. You know how I like my shows. To all that read this I'm the BF in this whole mess but it seems like a lot of you understand the inner workings of my head. Thanks for the advice you have given her.

maleficent

hey boyfriend...
Communication works both ways... you should be telling beautiful what your expectations are and what you want... Having you both posting in this thread is a little silly... you need to talk to each other...

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PhilMcGroin

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring Beer.

:-)

Phil

Ample

This might me just me..... but the only time I stop having sex with a girl, is cause like your boyfriend Im not turned on. The girl is still pretty and everything, I just loose interest. Just like your boyfriend I would make excuses, and still tell them everything they needs to here, to keep them. I know kind of asshole thing to do. I hope your boyfriend is not like me, but don't rule that out.

Mantus

awwww, it's not fun with ryske looking...

The Candy-Apple-SailorMoon-Wafle-Iron-on-Roof technique only works if it's a surprise...

snowy

This is my technique. It has worked every time.

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Sultana

Iiiiiii...think I'm going to have to investigate this!

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matthew330

"And he told me that i make it seem like a chore b/c i ask rather than do anything. "

That's the truth. I hate being asked "Do you want to..?" What that means to me is, stop what your doing, walk me upstairs, undress me, turn off the lights, turn me on, and lay me. For some reason saying it doesn't really sound that bad....but at the time, it seems like a chore cause I'm thinking "I'm here, your there - your obviously in the mood - do I have to tell you how to get me in the mood?" (The answer to that is obvious, but I'm not gonna tell you and offend, so..."I'm just not in the mood right now" comes out).

Just a couple seconds to SHOW me your interested and I'm in, you're not gonna have to work for that long. Kind of like, if you want to have sex and that's the most effort your gonna put in to letting me know - I know I have a job to do. Just doesn't sound that fun.

Sorry - but that line struck a chord with me.

FallenAvatar

You can easily get what you want accomplished by just coming on to him slowly. You obviously sleep with him, rub against him slowly, run your hands over him and kiss him... he'll get the point pretty fast.

matthew330

yeah - all that

cmc

in my experience, the MOST intimate thing I've ever experienced was my (not then) gf tellng me simply -- " I want to kiss you " -- I was surprised, stunned ( I didn't know she was that interested in me, and stood motionless. The kiss still took 2 months to occur ( a long story ...) And I lived those two months wondering what it was going to be like w/ her. It was 10 x 10 times better. This in not a piece about getting a new bf or gf. Just the opposite - it's about the benefits of using open communication skills.
Either partner has great power, by simpy stating what THEY want. As in ( for you to say ) I want to tease you & control you tonight. Also - I want to give you a massage tonight. Also, I want to give you a shower tonight. Also - I want to get you off with my hands tonight, also I want to tell you my secret sexual fantacy tonight.
Your statement is direct, open, invitational, future paced, and allows him to be receptive & excited by the biggest sex organ in him - his mind ! Forget about thinking you're 'sensitive'. Don't ask him if it's ok. Tell him want you want to give him -- his time delayed response is like wrapping paper on a Christmas gift. The gift is inside & the wrapping only raises our imagination / expectation.

& I really liked Seaver's thoughts on this too ! (see above)
Your satisfaction come from yourself, not his reaction to what you say or do.
Your happiness comes from within ( God ) - as in 'I am happy, I am loving, I am contented & I am peaceful ...
Good luck - you sound like a good soul -- give intimate skills there do.
Don't aim for perfection, simply excellance, which comes from direct experience.
I love your attitude ! If he can't, or will not, and can not see you ( after you reveal your self to him ) -- then just on your open-minded attitude I'll be lookng for you !

lilfle

well said cmc, very good idea, and it works too!

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joemc91

I agree with what CMC said. Probably the greatest turn on I have ever had from something a girl said to me was her saying "how can I convince you to come home with me tonight?". Just make it blatantly yet subtly (weird combination that) obvious will get him in a knot of anticipation. Or just jump him, that will probably work too.

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Halx

I think cmc said it quite well. From my own personal experience, I get mega turned on when my girl tells me exactly what she wants. Without giving away too much of our intimate exchanges, I will say that when she says she wants me in a way that would end up pleasing me 'most' or 'first' it is especially arousing. It makes me think "Ooo is it my birthday?"

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GoldenOuroboros

*wave*
You've been with him for two years, you should know what he likes right? Maybe go and pickup some sexy lingerie.. stockings or something..

Ok now onto the real issue her, your self confidence, this jumped out at me in your original post, I don't want to go into your past, sometimes this can help sometimes it can harm. It's like any fear, any phobia, you just need to look past the fear and anxiety and move forward, sometimes it's easy and sometimes it isn't. What I would suggest is perhaps when you're both watching TV or it's getting close to when you're going to bed and your feeling in the mood do as the people above have said. Do something, straddle him, hug him, pull his gaze towards yours and get his complete attention, tell him you want him and then kiss him, not just any old kiss either, something really sexy =)

Keep us updated

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BigRedKerVa

To Beautiful I say that you are on the right track because you are asking questions and seeking advice. Bravo! My best experience at being turned on by a former g/f was her calling me up one afternoon and asking me to keep my door unlocked when I went to bed so she could enter and give me a "ziplesss fuck". Her only requirements of me was that I keep my eyes and mouth shut while she was there. It did the trick by making me incredibly anxious for the day to end and for her to arrive. It was a most memorable experience and taught me to work extra hard at pleasing this neat lady.

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nezmot

All you need to do is make it clear that you want him! You don't need to say any dirty words, or do any rubbing (it helps, but you don't have to!) all you need to do is let him know, with a cheeky smile, or something - that you want him. That's the biggest turn on there is. Try it now - say "I want you" out loud. it's easy.. Say "I want you to put your hands on me" it's not telling him what to do - it's telling him what you *want* him to do - it's a subtle difference. What's important is that he feels wanted and attractive - the rest should just happen naturally.