Das Eighty

Hey everyone, long time TFP reader, not many posts, but I am always intrigued by the material given here.

Heres my problem:

About 2 months ago, I met this really nice girl at one of my friends parties. Her best friend works with my brother. I was told that she was single so I started small talk. One thing led to another, we started talking almost everyday, hanging out every couple of days and so on. She told me that she had been on and off with her ex of 3 years until a few weeks before that party. Her ex is a douche bag, always flipping out on her, cheating on her, etc...

2 weeks after I met her, I went to Cancun for my 1 week post-spring break vacation. She was really into me, called her from Cancun a few times, she told me she missed me, yadda yadda. My brother hung out with his friend and this girl all week while I was gone. He told me she would always talk about me and how she wishes I was home and hadn't gone. Well, seems like I had a keeper, somewhat...

Got back Saturday the 15th, anxious to see her, as she was to see me. We hung out that night, had a great time, we also hung out 4 or so days straight after that. The Friday that just passed I noticed that she hadn't really called or even text messaged me all day, even for a hello. I'm a what-if type of person so I started wondering... Friday night came and went, she stayed home and slept.. Saturday came and almost went until I opened my mouth asking if there was something wrong or a problem of some sort..

She goes and tells me, "we can't do this anymore. I'm getting too attatched and I don't want to be right now. I want to have no worries and be free."

Mind you, we had talks, and we were both agreeing on not taking this any further for quite some time, we both like/liked each other a good amount, shes a great girl...

Maybe I'm just bitter at the fact that this happened, but it's been bothering me. I mean, I KNOW and understand how her situation is because of her ex. She isn't going back to him, from what I can see on her part, she suffered too much with him.

We settled on being friends, I don't want to lose touch with her and do hope that something good can come out of this...

Honestly, I'm sorry for the ranting but I needed to get this off my shoulders, what would you do in my situation? Not like there is much to do but, suggestions would be welcomed...

*I am one to stress easy, this is on my mind and it sucks not being able to get it off.... ahhh*

FallenAvatar

Well I can tell you this. Friends tend to make the best lovers if you can make it work. If you trust her then just be her friend. I did this in a similar situation. She wanted to be friends, I told her fine but let her know that I would always want more and she could take her time. Eventually this girl will allow herself to have those feelings for you. If you're being honest then you really dig her and being her friend won't hurt you. Safest way for you not to screw it up is allow her to make the first moves.

Good luck.

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Lasereth

Sounds to me like she likes you but doesn't like you enough to stop looking at other options (options being other guys). I'd stop talking to her until she's interested in you else you're asking for a heart break sandwich. Liking someone enough to hang out with them and spend time with them is one thing, but to date them and not be able to be "free" is another. My vote goes with her not liking you enough to give up single-ness freedom.

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Topper

Your scenario could be the case Lasereth, but it sounds like she went through a lot of emotional pain in her last relationship, and the thought of getting so involved again so soon probably scares her. In her own mind, she may simply not be ready yet to start getting an emotional attachment again...

Depends I guess. If it turns out "I'm getting too attached and I'm not ready" actually means shes going to actively date other people in the meantime, then I would definitely think hard about sticking around (and getting more attached yourself) as her possible fall-back guy.

If it were me, I'd be fine with being real friends, if she is really serious about that. Friends are always a good thing. But I'd keep myself open and seeing other people, and would not set myself up for the let down Lasereth mentioned by investing more emotionally right now then she is willing to reciprocate to you.

Das Eighty

Completely agree with what everyone has mentioned.

Lasereth, I don't think it's so much the fact that she doesn't like me... it might be that she does more than she wants too. It's hard to explain. I have put myself in her shoes because I went through the same thing 2 years ago with my ex. I was out of the relationship and the last thing on my mind was getting myself back into one. I know thats what she is scared of and doesn't want at this very moment. I have decided to just sit back and let things play themselves out. If she truely wants me then she knows where to find me. I won't make moves, I won't let myself be a stranger to a full extent either, but I won't be a pest and text, email, or call her, thats for sure.

Mantus

You burned her out. Next time pull back a little (or maybe ALLOT). Calling her while on vacation...jeez. Someone once said, the greatest gift you can give a lover is one of missing you.

This was a brilliant move. One of my favorite pivots. Denying something only makes people wan't it more. The problem is that you were supposed to say one thing and do the opposite. Her desire was building but she didn't have a way to express it. So she had to stop or go nuts.

People try to stay congruent to their word. When you guys had a talk about taking things easy both you and her were thinking "yah, that okay, but I wouldn't mind if things moved faster". Once you set up this relationship frame both of you were affraid to step over the line now drawn between you.

The key is to show a weakness that she can take advantage off. A chance that she can get her prize faster. For example, if you start getting too close physically say something like, "we better stop, I might not be able to control myself". This gives here a clue that a) she has a chance and b) you are intrested.

Then all you gota do is set up a senario that would get her emotional while being comfortable/safe and close to you. Then - you kiss. Oooopsie!

She will draw back, because she just broke your rule. Sometimes she will start saying "I am sorry, I don't know what I was..." You kiss her again.

And thats how you could have had a relationship.
Next time.
Don't worry. There will be plenty of opportunities.


I think you can get her still. If you want her.

Buk

If they were on again and off again for 3 years then their relationship was probably over for a long time. If she still sees it as just now ending, then probably you are better to be her friend and look elsewhere yourself.

As far as forcing the issue and making her make a choice, its almost always not worth it.

cybersharp

I definantly agree!

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0PtIcAl

Topper

While Mantus' advice is an interesting perspective on the cat and mouse relationship merry go round, as discussed I don't believe it would do anything positive in this situation, if she really just needs time to mentally/emotionally heal.

wolf

She is a woman who just got out of a serious relationship. She is worried if she gets into a relationship with you it will end. She knows if you two start something, it could very well be it. She doesn't want to screw that up. Give her the time she needs to sort her head out and see what happens.

Believe me I know, the same thing happened to me. Almost exactly. We've been married for 5 years now.

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savvypup

Leave the ball in her court until she's ready and if you're both in the same place come that time, then great.

But if you're great friends, don't cut her out. Keep in touch if it's not too hard. I have a friend who's in a similar spot and although it's hard because he pulled away from me, I've decided not to let our friendship go. I don't want to pester him, but I'll send him a weekly email, just saying 'hi, thinking of you, have a great week'. If and when he wants to catch up, is up to him to approach me now.

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ciao bella!

Fia

...............

Sultana

OK, let me see if I understand. You guys are friends. At one point you both agree to Not Go Further Than Friendship. Then you decide to (I know it's an emotional thing, "decide" isn't probably the best word) Go Further Than Friendship. She doesn't want to, and you're upset/disappointed.

She's already gone a bit further in her head than friendship...she's more attached to you. The unusual thing here is that she recognizes it, and is strong enough to take steps to do what she already said (and you both agreed to) she was going to do.

I understand this hurts the heart, which really doesn't listen to logic. But if you think it's worth it, and can handle the pain of it, I say just be patient. Show her that you're not gonna flip out, pressure her, manipulate her, etc. But I'd also say give it a time limit. You don't want to be pining over the unobtainable forever, you know?

Good luck, and POST UPDATES! Please.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Das Eighty

No no... we agreed to stay friends after this all happened. I had never met her prior to this whole fiasco.. 2 months ago was when I first met her and we began talking and so on.

- I was online last night and she began conversation and seemed to be in a pretty upbeat mood and at times mentioned seeing me this week. So, we'll see. I will keep you all posted.

marauder

Mantus just outlined a set of choices that Das Eighty could have made at the various decision times in the "courtship". It's funny how the *right* choices get labelled "toying", "games" or "manipulation" and the *wrong* choices probably get called "being yourself."

Das Eighty, you both wanted to get together, and as the guy it is your role to guide the girl around whatever baggage is in her head that gets in the way of what she wants. This might sound unfortunate ("why doesn't the girl ever ask *me* out?") until you embrace it and realise that it gives you control over your relationship destiny.

I think Fia may have taken particular objection to "set up a scenario" -- and it depends how you read it. Certainly don't engineer some elaborate scheme to win your girl. That's for the movies, it's hard work, and there's more chance it'll turn out creepy than romantic. I would have thought all Mantus meant was to get her into a situation where she's feeling strong emotion and attaction. The best way to do that is with your words, actions, and energy -- not with a location or an activity. And please, please, no bribes: flowers, gifts, paying for dinner, etc. That right there is true "manipulation" and it doesn't work. You can't buy attraction.

The reason you're stuck in the friends place now is that if you see a girl for five days straight, and build a bunch of tension and desire and attraction, you both have to act on it. Otherwise the girl will stop and *think* about all the lusty desires in her head, and panic, and throw up all the rationalisation-objections you've seen: "we're moving too fast", "I might lose him as a friend", even "good girls don't think this way!" I read her objections as false in this case. Sure, she probably feels them, but they're not based on anything deep-seated. She is definitely back in the game.

What I would do now: become a lot less available. I suggest seeing her once a week or less -- that's how often you'd see a friend anyway. And don't let her be the only option on your menu until you're actually going out. Since you are now friends it's totally OK to let her know that sorry, you're having drinks with [some other girl] that night. You will be amazed at how having to actually go after what she wants, before you become someone else's reward, will clear out false objections in her mind. And for gods' sake, when in a few weeks' time you're with her on the couch back at your place, and the video is just ending, and you look at her, then down at her lips, then back into her eyes, and her eyes say GO GO GO, lean in and kiss her! Then you're on.

abaya

No games. No reverse psychology. Avoid that if you want to preserve the potential for a real, long-lasting relationship.

/my $0.02

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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gotekix

You most definitely were "too" into her too quickly. You had a good opportunity to sleep with her (no strings attached) if you wanted but you probably didn't know it. Once girls throw you into the "friend zone," it's quite a peril to find your way out. The trick is to always make your stance known by flirting with the girl a little bit and not being extremely caring/nice. Why? Because if she thinks of you as someone who will always say "yes" to a favor and who will call her every day then she will automatically think you are "too nice" and send you straight into the dreaded friend zone.

You do have one pretty good option still open though. Be her friend and wait for the day she actually dumps her ex. You'll probably be first in line if you play your cards right.

As to what Abaya said, it's best to play no games once your IN the relationship, not before hand. To say courting isn't a game would be ignorant, and we all know games were meant to be played. If you decide to not play along and "be yourself" you'll probably just end up empty handed. Being yourself has pretty much come to mean not thinking strategically or ahead and to just go with the flow. Sorry to say it but it's true. That doesn't mean you can't be honest with her. You should be honest with her. Just say the truths that make you look good and leave out anything that doesn't. It's all strategy.

Right now making this girl your girl friend is going to be a much more daunting task than sleeping with her. Whichever you choose I wish you the best of luck.

Das Eighty

Thank you all. =)

Seeing what comes of this now.

Mantus

I too would like to see what comes of this. Hopefully a happy ending.

There are always steps to be taken that will lead this girl in the right (your) direction.