What exactly does she want? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

leftyderek · 03-06-2006, 07:30 PM

Hey- I think I need someone who can be totally objective to comment on my little problem. All my friends know me/her/the situation we've been in/the place we've lived at too well, and they do admit that they can never objectively comment on my prob or give me advice.

I just don't understand my ex.

Maybe I should start with a little bit of background story.
In the last two years I have been studying in an int'l school in the middle of nowhere in Norway. And that int'l school is like grade 11 and 12. The only 'special' thing is, every year there are 200 students, literally living together and doing every single thing together for 1 or 2 years, depends if you are co-years or one year above/below. Anyway.

So I did get together with one girl and spend pretty most of my last year there with her and all that. After a wonderful school year there, I had to leave for Cadana to study theatre in university- and she has to finish her last year in Norway (she's one year lower than I am). And last winter I went to her place in Switzerland to visit her, and in the end of the winter break she broke up with me, saying she has changed and she has lost the strength to keep the long distance relationship. I admit that I have been a bit too clingy and all that- but, new environment and all that... you know. Anyway I am not saying I have done nothing wrong. I still believe it was because of me that I have been trying too hard and being too serious and all that.

Anyway- she said it is not because of some other guy. But apparently, uh, it has barely been a month and I've heard she has got together with her 'best friend' who is her co-year. Then again I still get emails from her, roughly a week each, saying she still cares about me a lot and she said she's not doing it out of guilt or something, and she is concerned about my sounding mostly depressed and a bit like an alcoholic (like my grandpa) in my blog.

I just don't get it. She actually did said 'how could I not care about my ex-boyfriend who gave me such a great time?' in one of her emails. I just thought- if she cares enough she wouldn't get together with someone within a month after breaking up with me-- and if she really had such a great time she won't break up with me anyway. She is still applying to my university and all that. I just don't get it.

What does she want?

P.S. Thanks for reading this piece of teenage nonsense till the end

cj2112 · 03-06-2006, 07:33 PM

this is strictly my opinionand it's likely to come off sounding pretty harsh but here goes:

She wants to fuck whoever she wants and doesn't want to feel guilty.

ngdawg · 03-06-2006, 07:51 PM

I don't think that's it really. I think actually, she has a mature attitude about the whole thing. Why shouldn't she care about what happens to you just because you're not a couple? Specially since she did not cut you off for some awful crime against her heart, but that she didn't want to maintain the relationship through the distance, the changes, etc.
If you can't be friends and show concern for ech other without wanting something else, even though you're not together, then maybe you should cut all ties.
I don't think she's sending mixed signals at all-she has genuine concern for someone she was intimate with. You're just reading between the lines when there's nothing to read there.

leftyderek · 03-06-2006, 08:03 PM

Aye you might be right about me reading between the lines when there's nothing to read there... I have always tried to convinced myself to get over the whole thing, and I thought I have, or maybe I have not. Don't know-

The thing I don't get is she telling me 'it's not because of someone else that I'm breaking up with you'- and she gets together with someone else w/in a month, then at the same time not telling me that she's together with someone else (some other people assume I knew about it and tried to talk about it with me.. that's how I got to know it)- and also telling me she's thinking about me a lot recently and all that.

I mean, I still do care about her a lot, as much as when we were together, but I just don't know if I'm being stupid or something-

hrandani · 03-06-2006, 08:19 PM

Combine ngdawg and cj2112's opinions and I think you get the truth. Heh. Why are those contradictory, anyway?

She cares about you, but apparently doesn't love you like you love her (e.g. to exclusion)

leftyderek · 03-06-2006, 08:23 PM

Te-hee. True. That's what I thought... Case closed then

ngdawg · 03-06-2006, 08:31 PM

Maybe, citing your depressed state, she felt it better to withhold any information regarding seeing anyone? This doesn't mean she left you on Saturday and jumped the bones of a new one on Monday and whether she did or not is her issue to deal with. As hrandani, says, your exclusionary feelings were not hers too. And even if they were, she obviously got over it a lot quicker(sometimes we have to or we do what you are doing now-second-guessing and reading what's not there out of hope).Accept your position in this girl's life, cherish what was good and move forward.

leftyderek · 03-06-2006, 08:35 PM

I know- actually the day I've accidentally found out she has been together with someone else so soon, I've basically considered it as a closed case. Just the recent email about how (weirdly) much she still cares about me creates a bit of confusion. Then again, we are both not even 25. Never know what happens (especially if she has decided to come to my university). (And yes, just let me go on living in the world I created for a little while- at least before I meet someone so much better than my current ex-

)

Sultana · 03-07-2006, 07:46 AM

Just because you guys weren't destined to spend the rest of your lives together doesn't mean she shouldn't care about you any more. It's a maturity thing, when folks can be friends with their ex's. Of course, it tends to be easier for the person walking away from the relationship to want to be friends, than the person being walked away from.

And just because she cares about you doesn't mean she has to be your girlfriend.

She doesn't have to not care about you to not be your girlfriend.

Does that make sense? Heh. Good luck, go live your life, meet more people, make more friends. You've only just begun (queue music).

leftyderek · 03-08-2006, 04:12 PM

Sultana:

Yeah you're probably right. Actually I don't really have big probs with seeing her as a friend I think- Just needed a few more people to tell me that I am not really destined to spend the rest of my life with her. Haa- honestly if she's happy then I guess I'm happy for her too. If she wants to go on caring about me, even better

eribrav · 03-08-2006, 04:19 PM

Someday, you probably can be good friends.

That day is not today, tomorrow, or even the next day. Your feelings are going to be too intense to have any kind of healthy normal friendship. Let time take the edge off.

If you try to stay close now, I would wager you end up hating or at least intensely disliking each other for a while.

Been there, done that.

onodrim · 03-08-2006, 04:33 PM

You had a special relationship, it's only natural that she will continue to care about you. It doesn't mean she's interested in continuing a romantic relationship however. She simply still cares about you as a close friend and wants you to be happy. You're both relatively young, you're both still growing and changing a lot. She moved on, it happens. The fact that it's only a month later is irrelevant.

pig · 03-08-2006, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ngdawg

I don't think she's sending mixed signals at all-she has genuine concern for someone she was intimate with. You're just reading between the lines when there's nothing to read there.

I'm going to add one little piece to the above advice. Depending on the tone she takes when y'all talk, or email, or whatnot...she may indeed be sending some small mixed signals. I'm not saying she is, but she might be. I've had it happen at the end of relationships. Remember this: that's a part of the "still caring about someone you were intimate with" stuff. It's hard to polarize your emotions - people usually can't just turn them off.

In the end, I think she wants exactly what she has, only she wants you to be happy as well. I wouldn't worry about whether she was completely upfront with you about when she starting seeing other people, unless she directly lied to you. In that case, I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I might tell her that if she wants to truly be friends, she needs to be honest about things.

leftyderek · 03-08-2006, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onodrim

You had a special relationship...She simply still cares about you as a close friend and wants you to be happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

...mixed signals..."still caring about someone you were intimate with"

'Tis nice to hear someone (probably more experienced in life than a kid like me

) confirming some of my (more recent and more rational) thoughts.

Thanks for all the replies though

Feels like I'm a little child enjoying warm hugs from my parents (and I do love the feeling of that)

Great to hear/read about all these, especially when my best friends are not gonna be next to be for at least a few months' or even years' time (the only bad thing about graduating from int'l schools-).

pig · 03-08-2006, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leftyderek

Thanks for all the replies though

Feels like I'm a little child enjoying warm hugs from my parents (and I do love the feeling of that)

Great to hear/read about all these, especially when my best friends are not gonna be next to be for at least a few months' or even years' time (the only bad thing about graduating from int'l schools-).

Welcome to the TFP

leftyderek · 03-08-2006, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

Welcome to the TFP

*indulges himself with warmth*

Rodney · 03-08-2006, 07:40 PM

If she was just trying to brush you off, she wouldn't have stayed in contact. She does care about you as person, apparently, beyond the romantic relationship that you had. Amazing.

But I agree with what somebody else said; stay away for awhile. Until you grow away from her a little, your heart will be easily confused; it is very likely to misinterpret any friendly interest on her part as romantic intent: 'She wants me after all!'

analog · 03-09-2006, 02:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leftyderek

I just don't get it. She actually did said 'how could I not care about my ex-boyfriend who gave me such a great time?' in one of her emails. I just thought- if she cares enough she wouldn't get together with someone within a month after breaking up with me-- and if she really had such a great time she won't break up with me anyway. She is still applying to my university and all that. I just don't get it.

What does she want?

Breaking up doesn't mean she stops caring about you. She wants you to be happy, most likely. She wants to be sure you're ok, and not becoming self-destructive or losing focus on school. Let her care about you without imposing rules on it. You seem to think that caring about you means not being with other guys, and it just doesn't work that way. Cheer up, man. Work on finding someone else to share your time with.

The_Jazz · 03-09-2006, 06:10 AM

Several years ago, after a particularly bad dumping (done over the phone I was atwork, no less), I watched the movie "Say Anything" and took to heart the advice of one of the minor characters, Joe. "You need to find a girl that looks exactly like her, nail her and dump her!". Genius.

In all seriousness, the relationship is effectively ended since she's so far away, and you're reduced to intermitent emails. There may be hope in the future if you find yourselves on the same continent, and it's pretty obvious to all of us here at TFP that she seems to still have feelings for you on some level. That said, you need to move into the here and now and find someone local that can make you happy. I guarantee that girl is out there if you're willing to expend the energy to find her. Good luck and keep us updated!

Dane Bramage · 03-09-2006, 06:24 AM

And that's just it, dude. As your info says, you have been in three different countries in the last four years. A lot of people are gonna come into your life, and then be out of your life. It's the way it is. You should be okay with is, because life is a lot more fun that way.

I don't think she has done anything wrong/manipulative at all. The long distance thing is extremely hard to do, and in the end, it never works. At least, trying to be "exclusive" during the long Norway nights is damned hard. If she did break up with you because she wants to be with someone else, then you should thank her. It could have gone the other way... she could be with the other guy and tell you that she is not... lie to you about that. That would be much worse, IMO. She's trying to do the right thing.

And if you are now "sounding depressed" or exhibiting behavior that has historical significance in your family, then I can certainly understand her concern.

Don't be so hard on her. Tell her that you understand, that you appreciate her honesty, and that you still want to be friends.

Then go out and find yourself another girl

They are the cure for what ails your

Poppinjay · 03-09-2006, 07:24 AM

That’s an accurate twist on an old Homerism, “Girls, the answer to, and cause of all of life’s little problems.”

The_Jazz · 03-09-2006, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppinjay

That’s an accurate twist on an old Homerism, “Girls, the answer to, and cause of all of life’s little problems.”

Actually, that's alcohol that's the topic of Homer's saying, but the point is well taken.

leftyderek · 03-09-2006, 12:35 PM

Te-hee nah I am not really depressed at all I think, if anyone is misled by my first post :P
I'm just confused and she thought I might be depressed and stuff- haha

Anyway I'm gonna let this thread die probably, I have pretty much got over the prob already. Thanks y'all

03-06-2006, 07:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	What exactly does she want? Hey- I think I need someone who can be totally objective to comment on my little problem. All my friends know me/her/the situation we've been in/the place we've lived at too well, and they do admit that they can never objectively comment on my prob or give me advice. I just don't understand my ex. Maybe I should start with a little bit of background story. In the last two years I have been studying in an int'l school in the middle of nowhere in Norway. And that int'l school is like grade 11 and 12. The only 'special' thing is, every year there are 200 students, literally living together and doing every single thing together for 1 or 2 years, depends if you are co-years or one year above/below. Anyway. So I did get together with one girl and spend pretty most of my last year there with her and all that. After a wonderful school year there, I had to leave for Cadana to study theatre in university- and she has to finish her last year in Norway (she's one year lower than I am). And last winter I went to her place in Switzerland to visit her, and in the end of the winter break she broke up with me, saying she has changed and she has lost the strength to keep the long distance relationship. I admit that I have been a bit too clingy and all that- but, new environment and all that... you know. Anyway I am not saying I have done nothing wrong. I still believe it was because of me that I have been trying too hard and being too serious and all that. Anyway- she said it is not because of some other guy. But apparently, uh, it has barely been a month and I've heard she has got together with her 'best friend' who is her co-year. Then again I still get emails from her, roughly a week each, saying she still cares about me a lot and she said she's not doing it out of guilt or something, and she is concerned about my sounding mostly depressed and a bit like an alcoholic (like my grandpa) in my blog. I just don't get it. She actually did said 'how could I not care about my ex-boyfriend who gave me such a great time?' in one of her emails. I just thought- if she cares enough she wouldn't get together with someone within a month after breaking up with me-- and if she really had such a great time she won't break up with me anyway. She is still applying to my university and all that. I just don't get it. What does she want? P.S. Thanks for reading this piece of teenage nonsense till the end __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

03-06-2006, 07:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I don't think that's it really. I think actually, she has a mature attitude about the whole thing. Why shouldn't she care about what happens to you just because you're not a couple? Specially since she did not cut you off for some awful crime against her heart, but that she didn't want to maintain the relationship through the distance, the changes, etc. If you can't be friends and show concern for ech other without wanting something else, even though you're not together, then maybe you should cut all ties. I don't think she's sending mixed signals at all-she has genuine concern for someone she was intimate with. You're just reading between the lines when there's nothing to read there. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

03-06-2006, 08:03 PM	#4 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Aye you might be right about me reading between the lines when there's nothing to read there... I have always tried to convinced myself to get over the whole thing, and I thought I have, or maybe I have not. Don't know- The thing I don't get is she telling me 'it's not because of someone else that I'm breaking up with you'- and she gets together with someone else w/in a month, then at the same time not telling me that she's together with someone else (some other people assume I knew about it and tried to talk about it with me.. that's how I got to know it)- and also telling me she's thinking about me a lot recently and all that. I mean, I still do care about her a lot, as much as when we were together, but I just don't know if I'm being stupid or something- __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

03-06-2006, 08:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Te-hee. True. That's what I thought... Case closed then __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

03-06-2006, 08:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Maybe, citing your depressed state, she felt it better to withhold any information regarding seeing anyone? This doesn't mean she left you on Saturday and jumped the bones of a new one on Monday and whether she did or not is her issue to deal with. As hrandani, says, your exclusionary feelings were not hers too. And even if they were, she obviously got over it a lot quicker(sometimes we have to or we do what you are doing now-second-guessing and reading what's not there out of hope).Accept your position in this girl's life, cherish what was good and move forward. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

03-06-2006, 07:33 PM	#2 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	this is strictly my opinionand it's likely to come off sounding pretty harsh but here goes: She wants to fuck whoever she wants and doesn't want to feel guilty.

03-06-2006, 08:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
hrandani Insane	Combine ngdawg and cj2112's opinions and I think you get the truth. Heh. Why are those contradictory, anyway? She cares about you, but apparently doesn't love you like you love her (e.g. to exclusion)

03-06-2006, 08:35 PM	#8 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	I know- actually the day I've accidentally found out she has been together with someone else so soon, I've basically considered it as a closed case. Just the recent email about how (weirdly) much she still cares about me creates a bit of confusion. Then again, we are both not even 25. Never know what happens (especially if she has decided to come to my university). (And yes, just let me go on living in the world I created for a little while- at least before I meet someone so much better than my current ex- ) __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

03-07-2006, 07:46 AM	#9 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Just because you guys weren't destined to spend the rest of your lives together doesn't mean she shouldn't care about you any more. It's a maturity thing, when folks can be friends with their ex's. Of course, it tends to be easier for the person walking away from the relationship to want to be friends, than the person being walked away from. And just because she cares about you doesn't mean she has to be your girlfriend. She doesn't have to not care about you to not be your girlfriend. Does that make sense? Heh. Good luck, go live your life, meet more people, make more friends. You've only just begun (queue music). __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

03-08-2006, 04:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Sultana: Yeah you're probably right. Actually I don't really have big probs with seeing her as a friend I think- Just needed a few more people to tell me that I am not really destined to spend the rest of my life with her. Haa- honestly if she's happy then I guess I'm happy for her too. If she wants to go on caring about me, even better __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

03-08-2006, 04:19 PM	#11 (permalink)
eribrav Junkie Location: upstate NY	Someday, you probably can be good friends. That day is not today, tomorrow, or even the next day. Your feelings are going to be too intense to have any kind of healthy normal friendship. Let time take the edge off. If you try to stay close now, I would wager you end up hating or at least intensely disliking each other for a while. Been there, done that.

03-08-2006, 04:33 PM	#12 (permalink)
onodrim Cosmically Curious Location: Chicago, IL	You had a special relationship, it's only natural that she will continue to care about you. It doesn't mean she's interested in continuing a romantic relationship however. She simply still cares about you as a close friend and wants you to be happy. You're both relatively young, you're both still growing and changing a lot. She moved on, it happens. The fact that it's only a month later is irrelevant. __________________ "The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides" -Carl Sagan

03-08-2006, 07:40 PM	#17 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	If she was just trying to brush you off, she wouldn't have stayed in contact. She does care about you as person, apparently, beyond the romantic relationship that you had. Amazing. But I agree with what somebody else said; stay away for awhile. Until you grow away from her a little, your heart will be easily confused; it is very likely to misinterpret any friendly interest on her part as romantic intent: 'She wants me after all!'

03-09-2006, 06:10 AM	#19 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Several years ago, after a particularly bad dumping (done over the phone I was atwork, no less), I watched the movie "Say Anything" and took to heart the advice of one of the minor characters, Joe. "You need to find a girl that looks exactly like her, nail her and dump her!". Genius. In all seriousness, the relationship is effectively ended since she's so far away, and you're reduced to intermitent emails. There may be hope in the future if you find yourselves on the same continent, and it's pretty obvious to all of us here at TFP that she seems to still have feelings for you on some level. That said, you need to move into the here and now and find someone local that can make you happy. I guarantee that girl is out there if you're willing to expend the energy to find her. Good luck and keep us updated! __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

03-09-2006, 06:24 AM	#20 (permalink)
Dane Bramage Insane Location: Charlotte, NC	And that's just it, dude. As your info says, you have been in three different countries in the last four years. A lot of people are gonna come into your life, and then be out of your life. It's the way it is. You should be okay with is, because life is a lot more fun that way. I don't think she has done anything wrong/manipulative at all. The long distance thing is extremely hard to do, and in the end, it never works. At least, trying to be "exclusive" during the long Norway nights is damned hard. If she did break up with you because she wants to be with someone else, then you should thank her. It could have gone the other way... she could be with the other guy and tell you that she is not... lie to you about that. That would be much worse, IMO. She's trying to do the right thing. And if you are now "sounding depressed" or exhibiting behavior that has historical significance in your family, then I can certainly understand her concern. Don't be so hard on her. Tell her that you understand, that you appreciate her honesty, and that you still want to be friends. Then go out and find yourself another girl They are the cure for what ails your __________________ Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

03-09-2006, 07:24 AM	#21 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	That’s an accurate twist on an old Homerism, “Girls, the answer to, and cause of all of life’s little problems.” __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

03-09-2006, 12:35 PM	#23 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Te-hee nah I am not really depressed at all I think, if anyone is misled by my first post :P I'm just confused and she thought I might be depressed and stuff- haha Anyway I'm gonna let this thread die probably, I have pretty much got over the prob already. Thanks y'all __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...