:::OshnSoul:::

My boyfriend, since we have grown closer, all he seems to want to do is pick on me- verbally and physically.......calling me a retard (which I call him names out of playfulness too, but not that much), teasing about mistakes I make, poking, tickling, pinching, slapping (light- it doesn't hurt)....but then sometimes he will tend to get my face somehow and I don't enjoy that. I know he's not trying to hurt me, and I know he is all about action and can't sit still.....but I have little to no defense against him. I have brought it up to him quite a few times that I really enjoy the "playfulness" but sometimes it is excessive and even when I say please stop he doesn't stop. I know that to him its all fun and games, and of course he replies "it's just my way of givin you love!" well.......it's gotten to the point where I can make it very enjoyable too, but then if I can't or don't want to defend myself and ask him to stop picking on me, it doesn't do anything. But then also there have been times where I get irritated and tell him that's enough and he says "oh yer no fun" or "chill out"........has anyone ever experienced this before? Even if not........anyone have any idea how to remedy the problem? I see it as not a huge problem, but it does build up inside of me to think that I am like his "best friend" or "little sister" because he doesn't really compliment me much or empathize. He will, however, sarcastically say "aww, I'm sorry", kiss me, then start right back up again. So it's like I never know what he's going to do.
Now here is one theory though- he has told me that he doesn't want to be walked on as he let himself get in past relationships and that he is a much stronger gun than he used to be. So it could be that this is his way of portraying that or avoiding it?


Thanks in advance......

shakran

Maybe. But then again maybe he's just being a horse's ass. Pull him up short, don't be nice about it, and tell him to knock it the hell off. Belittling your SO is NOT a way to strengthen the relationship.

Val_1

If you don't enjoy it, any amount of teasing is too much. Don't tolerate it. You will only end up resenting him, and that is not a good place to be in. Relationships can be many things and each relationship can be very different from each other. But, there is one thing that no relationship can live without: RESPECT. It does not sound to me like he is respecting your desires. Just make sure you are direct when you tell him. Don't be subtle: guys often don't get hints. If it is a relationship breaker, let him know that. If he does not respect that .... move on.

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xxSquirtxx

Hmmm...I don't know. I sort of see it as a control issue, and something that could potentially get worse if/when the relationship gets more intense or serious. I'd be very wary; although, I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. I'm just afraid (for you) that it could get out of hand.

:::OshnSoul:::

Thanks guys- and you have great insight. I can't say it won't get out of hand- but when he does it, it's nothing more than a laugh fest, a great stress releiver the majority of the time.

I do agree- so I guess from weighing the options, I can:

a) be the sheep and let him continue this
b) be the lion and understand that he will then consider me being too uptight

Now that you mention it......I do see quite a bit that, to me, is direspectful that he does or says. Sometimes- it goes too far. I do get pissed and I show where the line has been crossed- but for some damn reason he makes me laff it off by making funny faces or something.

xxSquirtxx

Then perhaps you aren't as upset about it as you thought? But I'm curious as to why you'd post this if you aren't genuinely concerned.

You also tend to make excuses for his behavior, too. I find that somewhat telling.

I don't know what else to tell you.

ngdawg

Had a married couple friend like that. Basically, the guy couldn't deal with being serious about anything-facing issues head on. So when something bothered him, he'd be the clown. Even putting his face through a windshield in an accident 'gave me my permanent smile', in reference to the scar that now runs up his face. His jokes about his wife were just cruel and unrelenting.
It is a form of disrespect, really as he is shrugging off what you feel is a real issue and continuing to do it. And as a form of disrespect, once pointed out as such and continued anyway, it becomes a form of control-domino effect.
Making you laugh it off is control. If he were beating you and NOT joking after, he'd excuse that in some way, right? Wrongful treatment is wrongful, joking or otherwise afterwards.
Just comes down to the questions: how much are you willing to put up with and are you better off with or without him?

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martinguerre

There's no such thing as "being the lion" if he's not taking you seriously when you tell him to knock it off.

Playfulness is all fine and well. I do a lot of that to my sister. I learned this the hard way, but when she growls at me, i am to set her back down/not tickle her/back away with tail between my legs or i'm liable to get a swift kick to the balls.

It shouldn't take that...i was being an ass to make her prove herself like that...not to mention i'm her little brother. An SO, especially a fairly recent one should not have nearly that much comfort in invading your space/making fun like that.

Get him to back off, or start considering the health of your relationship...without respect, and the communication that safeguards it...nothing else is worth having.

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-John 3:16

Sweetpea

if he's not stopping the teasing when you want him too.. hmmmmm. put it all out in the open with him.

I would suggest bringing this up not when he's doing it, so it's not when the situation is actually happening. really convey to him how it makes you feel.

it's a form of disrespect, but he just might know any better?... really tell him how much it bothers you. if he cares about you as a person first and foremost, which i hope he does, he won't do it again because he won't want to hurt your feelings or disrespect you.

sweetpea

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maleficent

there is a very fine line between teasing and abuse...

Sorry - but that's a bullshit answer.. that's an abuser's answer...

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Siege

Completely true. Think any abusive man actually says "I beat the shit out of you because I don't give a shit about you!"?

Nope, it's always "i'm doing this for your own good" etc.

Granted, it's not as extreme as my example, but you get the point.

My opinion, is that you deserve to be treated with respect and your bf isn't really respecting your wishes.

Perhaps bring it up again, and stress how this is important to you (if it is)

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This part just makes my posts easier to find

ratbastid

If somebody does something you don't like, you have no obligation to be nice about it, no matter what your relationship with them or how close you are.

snowy

Yep...been there, done that...and this is how it started out.

If you tell him to stop, and he can't/won't stop--leave. Don't waste your time.

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taboo

just tell him straight out.
Be open now, cuz after you'll regret not having said anything.
It's always best to play with your cards open.

World's King

Next time he takes it too far... kick him square in the crotch.


I know it's not very nice and he'll most likely get really fuckin' mad at you but it will definatly make him understand that you don't enjoy it.

Or you could just withhold sex. All girls are good at doin' that.

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Rodney

When he does this stuff and you get upset, he always says that the problem is yours. He never takes responsibility; at most, he tries to distract you for a second with humor. And then he starts in again.

He says you have the problem, and belittles you for protesting. But when you look at it in terms of responsibility and willingness to recognize problems, who _really_ has the problem?

And no, he will not listen to reason. Why should he? As long as you don't leave, he doesn't have to; he's in control. If you lay down the law, he'll bluster and yell until you give in. And if you don't -- well, anything could happen. He might give in, though I doubt it; he might give in temporarily, but keep testing and testing you; or, he might haul off and whack you one, and apologize, but say "you shouldn't have made me so angry."

The key is _he isn't accepting responsibility for anything,_ and he's putting all the problem on you. And half-making you believe you are the problem. Which gives him an excuse to keep going, and even get more extreme.

You should get out of there before the first time he hits you. And if you don't, no matter how he apologizes, you have accepted the role of victim, and it'll be even harder to get rid of him safely.

Weekly, I attend a class at a church which at the same day and hour hosts a men's group for anger-management problems -- everybody is in there by court-order. And a more tightly-wound group of guys you'd never want to see. Not hostile, but -- energetic; restless, impulsive; loud and easily upset. I don't listen in to the meetings, but sometimes they yell and I can't help it; things like, "Inside two years I married that woman and had a child and I didn't plan any of it! Of course I was pissed off at her!" and "Well, at least I never hit a _woman!_" It sounds to me like your boyfriend would be right at home with them.

Let me just say one thing: listen to all the people on this thread. This is a reality check for you, from the greater reality outside of the little artificial one your boyfriend is trying to manufacture in your brain. Take a stand or break out soon, or you'll always be a player in _his_ world, by _his_ rules. He's moving towards ownership; and if you let him, he'll go there.

Borla

So very true.


If he really loves you, you should be able to pick a calm time, when he isn't picking on you, and explain how you feel. Do your best to articulate how it makes you feel when he pushed the teasing, and explain how trapped you feel between putting up with it and bringing even more ridicule on yourself. If he is a reasonable and caring guy, he will listen. While he may not be perfect at it from that conversation on (old habits die hard), he will keep trying if he's worth having around.

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:::OshnSoul:::

Ok- now. I have a feeling I should not have brught this up OR I should have filled you in on our backgrounds and relationship. Because it is NOT abuse. He is extremely playful, does not mean to hurt. Hell no am I defending him........I am just simply talking this out. I already said I agree that it disrespectful. I do find that talking with him about when it is not happening at the moment is a great idea and will do so. I think guys don't listen to a girl's feelings when the "problem" is actually taking place.

Let's put it this way- I went into a marriage and had a child way too young and I honestly was not ready for it. I pretended everything was fine when really things were only getting worse. I am thankful I had the experience to learn and grow from.
As my bf, he was engaged and settled, only to be wronged by his fiance.
This relationship right here that we are in is the first for both of us since those other relationships. It's the foundation of a new beginning with experiences to learn from and grow from.

But this new man and I came together- been together for almost a year now. And trust me, every time there is something to be discussed, we discuss it. Every relationship has hurdles to jump- and we mutually agreed in the very beginning that if we choose to have this relationship, that we will do what it takes to make it work. We don't want another "failed" relationship. Relationships don't just flow with the breeze. From the direction he's come from before he met me, he is a drastically different person. But yes- I do feel a tinge of disrespect. But ya know what? As I watched him today- playing with his daughters and my son..........there stood a man that I truly love, love being with and want to be with for the rest of my life. Deep down, all in all, he makes me feel happy.

I like to hear other people's insight- but I guess I just wanted to talk it out to the abyss just to get it out. Helps me think. Sorry to bother you guys. I don't feel I was as concerned as some of you may have interpretted. I remember- as I typed it- I started to wonder how people would perceive it as abuse. But I guess it's kind of hard to get all the know from an online forum.

xxSquirtxx

Fair enough. We were just trying to give some advice that we thought you looking for.

:::OshnSoul:::

^^^ And that I did. I appreciate the advice from everyone, thank you- and pointing out any angle of possibilities which I took in and felt what my heart was telling me. I took today as an "observance" day and now I have the answer.

Sweetpea

I'm glad!

sometimes some people just don't get when something isn't funny anymore... they simply need to be taught, sounds like you're doing that.

and with communication, it'll all work out just fine.

Sweetpea

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captobvious

It may not be abuse now, but he is definitely crossing your boundaries and doesn't realize it. I think what everyone is trying to get at is that you need to clearly establish your boundaries or it could get out of hand before you know it.

This is coming from somebody who crossed his girlfriend's boundaries (emotional, not physical), and unfortunately, it took her breaking up with me to realize what I was doing. Like you, there were times that my girlfriend tried telling me to stop what I was doing, but I kind blew them off like they were no big deal. The break up was a huge wake up call though, and once I did realize what I was doing, we were finally able to discuss our issues although it was very painful. You may discover that there are deeper issues that need to be dealt with by the two of you. Also, be aware that resolving this issue will probably take some time, since it's not easy for someone to change their behavior on demand. He has to believe that he should change and then be willing to work on changing.

World's King

So, you're not gonna boot him in the groin?

Damn. And I thought I had a killer idea...


I understood what you were trying to get across. My girl and I do the same thing. She mainly picks on me when I'm driving. I think she's trying to kill us. It's just something some couples do. And I will admit that everyonce in a while one of us will take it to far. Mainly me. She bruises very easy. It's not abuse... it's just like when you were in elementery school... you hit the girl you liked. Guys haven't gotten that outta our heads.

If you two have a good open line of communication then you should be just fine. Tell him how you feel and I'm sure he will understand. And remember... if all else fails... right in the balls...

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Rodney

Personally, for me, it's all about respect. If you don't have his respect, there's a lot of other things you don't have, either. Never mind if he seems good in other ways.

If somebody I'm in a relationship doesn't take my preferences seriously, then there's a problem. And I would never buy the "playing" argument, even if _he_ really believed it. There's a reason he thinks that behavior is fun -- and it's probably not a good one.

Carno

Yeah, when I don't respect people I end up doing shit like that too. I like to agitate people for some reason. But not people I respect.

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:::OshnSoul:::

HAHAHA I love your post.

I do bruise easily- and I am tiny. He is a strong (but not huge- acutally pretty lean & tough) mexican firefighter/medic. He never does these things hard to me, even, but just doesn't let up sometimes.

And yes- I have gotten him in the groin before- moreso an accident, but it sure felt good! haha

maleficent

you are making excuses for him if you honestly believe this is true...

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World's King

I have to disagree.

75% of the time I don't get it until it's too late.

When my girl and I play around like this and she tells me to stop I do exactly what OshnSoul's boyfriend does. And it's not until later that I realize that I might have taken it too far. Guys are like that. If we're playing we wanna keep playin' and don't pay attention to much else.

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oberon

OshnSoul, your boyfriend reminds me of my brother. And that makes me sad. I regard him as a buffoon who doesn't take anything seriously. Not that going the other extreme -- taking everything seriously -- is a good thing, of course. Regardless, he somehow always manages to pick up girlfriends that either put up with or encourage such behavior. Don't be one of those.

Edit:
I'd like to add that ng knows what I'm talking about. She really does.

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TexanAvenger

I'm siding here too. It's not any kind of malicious act, nor is it a matter of purposely ignoring the issue. It's not even a matter of not occasionally looking at my actions and trying to root out the annoying ones... 55-70% of the time it's just a matter of missing the issue altogether because I've got a thick skull and subtle taps aren't going to get through. "What's the matter? What'd I do?" comes out of my mouth a lot, and it isn't until just after that action that I tend to realize the answer. I personally need some kind of action, probably a little overly dramatic, to bring many my faults to my attention because, as my actions, they simply don't register on the "Stop-o-meter."

I'll agree again: a kick to the nuts will not only stop the action, it'll give you his undivided attention during which you can fully express your feelings on the matter. It'll also allow you to relieve yourself a little tension.

SirLance

It's clear you're sensitive about this, but this is the behavior of an abuser. Please recognise that, and act to keep yourself safe.

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sasKuach

...ouch, if everybody was like you guys, half the people I know wouldn't be able to have kids...

jeez...

Redjake

people are too quick to jump the gun on "abusing." I think "abusing" is harsh terminology. Just tell your SO that he is playing around too much sometimes and it is getting to you. He will understand. If he doesn't, get over him. He isn't abusing you. He is just being a little ignorant.

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Elphaba

OshnSoul, that statement, in addition to the rough play, set off alarms for me. I sense that he is carrying the baggage of failed relationships and some hostility toward women, without acknowledging any personal responsibility. There is more that I would like to say, but I don't really think that you are in a place to receive negative feedback regarding your SO's behavior.

I wish you the best.

martinguerre

Which is why the majority of the advice isn't DTMFA, but to set the boy straight and immediatly so...so that this situation is corrected and not left to fester. It's the relationship equivalent of a yellow alert, to maximize my dork points here.

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Sage

DTMFA...

(O_o) whaaa???

Anywho... girlie, just tell the dude to step off... if he's got emotional issues, chances are they're manisfesting themselves in other aspects of the relationship, and you can see them. However, you say you're totally happy together except for this one little thing...

Look on this as a chance to improve your communication. Work on listening to each other and working to become better people for each other- don't do dumb shit like "witholding sex until he behaves." He's not a dog, or a child, he's the man you love. Respect him enough to give him a chance to respect you. (Not saying you'd do dumb stuff, just channeling my innerThe Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, which BTW is a good book).)

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martinguerre

Sorry. Bit of short hand ganked from savage love. DTMFA is the classic, Dump the MotherFucker Already used in situations where the need to break up is exasperatingly clear to every human being on earth except for those directly involved. Best used when person is bitching about a relationship no where near worth saving...or there's just been too much drama to justify continued investment in a person.

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serlindsipity

maybe the simplest answer is the best? when it goes to far, say "stop" in a firm and serious voice. Dont yell, but say it loud andhard enough that he knows you mean business. and catch and hold his hands firmly. dont lash out but stop the moment and bring everyone back into reality that its gone to far.

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Sage

^

what they said... very much seconded! Let him know how serious you are!

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jwoody

...and just incase you aren't confused enough by now:

Choose your words carefully because you could end up with a boyfriend who is reluctant to play with you at all, ever.

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