meembo

My older son is in Boy Scouts, and yesterday he and I and other Scouts spent the morning putting up flags downtown, and then attended a memorial service downtown for veterans. After that, the Scouts did a few service projects around town. Most of the kids stuck around the church (which hosts the troop) for a pizza lunch, but a couple of the older Scouts had cars and were doing a few other things during lunch. One of the oldest Scouts, who led the activities of the day, drove home for his lunch, and on the way home, he swerved in his lane and lost control of his car, hitting a tree and killing himself. The police came to the church a couple hours later and told the Scouts and the leaders what had happened. It was a rough afternoon. Some of the parents hadn't heard from their own sons since early morning, and were frantically making sure their son was OK (the police had a hard time finding the boy's father, and thus were reluctant to release any details about the crash until the dad was found).

It's awful when this happens. It's especially awful when there are no reasons at all that explain why or how it could have happened, especially to a good kid doing good things. Yesterday the shockwave went through the parents, and I expect that by this afternoon, when the memorial mass is held at the host church, the kids will be feeling and processing what happened.

The police think the kid was driving too fast around a left curve at the top of a hill in a rural residential area, and that he met an oncoming car and tried to swerve back into his lane. He hit the tree and it was over.

This kind of accident touches my absolute worst fear -- that something violent, lethal, irrevocable, happens to one of my sons. Worse yet, there is no reason to explain why it happens. I can't imagine what the parents feel.

I know it happens every day to hundreds of families, but this one sent a shock wave through me that has brought this weekend to a halt for me.

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less I say, smarter I am

maleficent

Most of the bad things that happen in this world defy reason...

Don't forget to hug your kids today...

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analog

Everyone who loses someone close to them wants the death to have meant something, had some purpose, or have been "for" some specific reason. Many who lose loved ones to the armed services, or perhaps fire/rescue are, after initial grieving, proud that their death meant something, they gave their life for a purpose. When a death occurs with less than clear-cut meaning, like an isolated accident, we are reminded that death comes at any time, to anyone, and not too many people find that comforting while grieving a loved one or friend.

Parents, specifically, have that extra "I do not want to survive my children" thing, and lovers have the "I can't live without him/her" thing. When the realities of the world come knocking, pretty much no one wants to be the one to answer the door. Unfortunately, things happen. People have always died, and will always die, and we can never know when, or how, until it is upon us (except for suicides and terminal illness, of course).

For me, I take solace in the fact that each day we are alive is a day to say hello, goodbye, "I love you", "I miss you", etc., and as long as they know you care about them, nothing that happens to them will result in you feeling regret over a missed opportunity. That, and death will come when it does. You can believe in fate or not, you can believe in a "God", or not, and you can believe that "everything happens for a reason", or not... but everyone, everywhere, will die. No matter how much you worry, no matter how much you safeguard, everyone will pass in time.

The most important thing is how you live each day with those you love and care about, not "how" or "why" they eventually die. Yeah, it's going to hurt. Yeah, depending on the circumstance, you may be mad, vengeful, feeling guilty, etc.... but when it all comes down to it, if you showed them your love, your friendship, etc., you will have a much greater peace with it.

spindles

Breaker Morant said it best

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

sexymama

meembo, first of all, I'm very sorry for your and your son's loss! No matter how well or how little you knew this young man, I know that the accident and death have had an effect on you.

Just last week I attended one of the most difficult funerals I've ever been to. It was not for someone I knew, but for her mother, that I attended. You see, one of my coworker's daughter died in an auto accident, driving to work the Sunday after Thanksgiving. She was only 21. I can't imagine the depth of my collegues loss! The amazing part of the funeral was when they read from the girl's journal. It seems she had visions (dreams) of her death occuring in the manner it did and of meeting God. She even went as far as to picture the clothes she was wearing and happened to be wearing the shirt mentioned in her journal, just that day.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

zz0011

Having a child die is difficult.

I suppose I should write more about it -- some of the things which surprised, angered, etc.. And in some other venues I have.

Still difficult after 13 years. For now, for here, I'll pass, except to say and agree ~ Love your children, regardless, and on purpose.

My sincere prayers for all those grieving over the loss of this young man.
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As I was writing this, the news reported the latest terrible air tragedy in Nigeria, with 75 high school kids killed on their way home for Christmas break. Apparently they all attended a Jesuit school there, which in itself is a bit unusual. But a sad coincidence to reading this thread now.

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10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle

meembo

We just talked about him and his family again today in church. I drove past the cemetary where he was buried, and since he was buried a lot of snow has fallen and it's very cold outside. It's very strange thinking how his parents must feel driving by that cemetary themselves (it's in the middle of town, and it's hard to avoid). It's something I truly don't want to imagine.

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less I say, smarter I am

shesus

Tragedies are difficult to come to terms with. My first fiance died in a car accident Sept. 1999. I still have trouble dealing with it at times. Even though the engagement was broken off shortly before the accident, it still hit hard and I went through a lot of pain and confusion during that time. I think that it is important that your son talks through the feelings and questions he may have. Even if it is rambling and he doesn't want anyone to repsond. Same with you.

I suppose if you are looking for a 'reason', you could say that it will make other parents more aware of their children. When things like this happen it always brings a new understanding of current relationships in your life.

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Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

zz0011

In the first few years after Gracie died, I visited the grave often.

But not so much any more.

Coincidentally, today is the 13th anniversary of her passing.

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10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle

zz0011

I mean no disrespect, but may I suggest being a bit more reserved at suggestings reasons for others who experience such a loss? I think it's a bit more individualistic than that, and I'm not so sure it does always bring about new understandings of current relationships. It wasn't exactly like that in our loss of a baby to SIDS.

Again, I mean no disrespect to you, nor am I trying to personally attack, and I sincerely hope you do not take it that way. Simply responding with another perspective, from the experience of losing a child.

And I noticed it was far different for me to loss my child, when watching and comparing my grandmother's loss of her son. I suppose that would be obvious, but the comparison / contrast struck me at the time, and stuck with me, and helped me realize losses of children are very individualistic experiences.

Blessings.

__________________
10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle

shesus

I'm sorry if you took it that way. I didn't mean to come across as cold-heared or uncaring about other's losses. I know that loss is horrible, but I was merely echoing what other's had said about appreciating what you have and taking advantage of every moment with a person you care about. It seems that people want to find a 'reason' for a loss and typically there never is one. In order to deal with a loss, some people need to create a reason. That is all I meant by it. I didn't mean to downplay tragedies or anyone's feelings involved in the loss of a loved one.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

abaya

I have always been terrible at dealing with loss, especially sudden deaths. Maybe it comes from the fact that my father died in a commercial fishing accident a month before I was born, and that single event threw my mother's and my soon-to-begin life into a tailspin. It resulted in enormous amounts of pain and loss for his own mother, father, and siblings. It took me years to understand the scale of that single accident, and how much emotional havoc it wreaked on every single person in my life.

I thought there was a meaning for it. My mom wanted me to believe that at the time, that his death had a redeeming value behind it. But maybe the greatest salve, the greatest mercy, is that there was no reason. It just happened.

I wish my heart didn't break so easily, that I could deal better with losing people and know how to counsel others when they lose someone. But it just hurts too much sometimes. There is little you can do to cushion your son's pain and confusion over this. He will remember it in his own way; all you can do is hug him and remind him of your presence and love. And be honest with him about your own sense of loss.

...Perhaps another mercy is that life *does* go on, that people find a reason to be semi-normal again, even when we don't want to be that way. Your son will find a way to move on and be normal again, even if he might feel some guilt at the beginning. Try and encourage him to give space for both grieving and normalcy if you can.

And give yourself that space, too.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

zz0011

Yes, I can see that. And again I hope you don't feel personally attacked.

I do think many "need" a reason and will grasp on to the first one which comes along. And some go crazy from that since no reason satisfies. And some come to a resignation early there is no reason. And...

On we could go.

This type of interchange -- a forum -- can be difficult to sometimes get across meaning without being misunderstood.

Even in a chat you sometimes get that too, though perhaps that immediate interaction can help. But I suppose short of face-to-face interaction we may not always be able to be fully clear about some points, save for the chance to follow-up and clarify.

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10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle