Drider_it

now dont get me wrong here.. im just wondering.. is it wrong to have a motherless home?

single dad raising a child? all i ever see is a fatherless home. some tanget that rambles through my brain late at night.

I always wonder if anything happend to my wife how would i cope with 3 children and such.

__________________
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

doodlebird

there's nothing wrong with you if your wife passes away.

the presence of the mother alone doesn't make your parenting right or wrong. it's what you do, not who or where your spouse is.

it would be HARD for certain. but not impossible.
it's an interesting thought...
where would the balance / feminine influence come from?
do you have aunts, cousins, or grandma nearby?

i am presently raising a son in a motherless home.
this is a new development.
i take him out to dinner a lot more
than i did when his mom was at home.

at the end of the day, i don't always have the energy / desire to cook and clean yet another meal. plus, he enjoys the adventure of being out. me too.

but that's just me and one little dude.
three would be a lot tougher!

__________________
xoxo
doodle

clavus

wrong? No
Harder? yes

Jesus, doodlebird. I had no idea you were a suddenly single dad. What a huge job. My hat is off to you.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

YKK

I find dad's are pigeonholed into a traditionally male role, most of the time, in a relationship whith kids. The disassociated hunter bringing food home to the woman and things. My relationship casts both my wife and in into the role of nurturer/authoritarian with my daughter. I am trying to start up a daycare and I get the feeling that people would rather see a woman doing this job than me. It makes sense, socially, so I'm not angry. Take a look at a list of male celebrities who openly like children and you will likely find most of them to be pedophiles and politicians. This kind of mindset would make me look twice at a man opening a daycare if I weren't one and were looking for full-time child care. I know another broken family in which the parents are not living with each other and the child is being shuttled back and forth between the parents' living spaces every day, (the father and child were victim to domestic abuse and the custody trial is still pending) and it breaks my heart to think that in a society where custodial rights are generally given to the biological mother that a violent woman might be considered for partial custody.

er.. i think i began ranting a while ago..

Drider_it: There is nothing wrong with motherless homes, inherently.

Doodlebird: What happened, if you don't mind, with your relationship with the mother of your child?

__________________
We're all black sheep and we know it..
So don't fsck it up for the rest.
-- Sick of It All; Yours Truly

Gilda

So is it wrong to have a mohterless home?

Absolutely not. Once the child is beyond the age of nursing, there isn't anything a mother can do that a father cannot. With three children it would be very difficult, but it could be done, especially if you had some kind of support system to help you out. Note that I'm not saying this because you're a father; I'd make the same comment about a mother raising kids alone.

In one of my adolescent literature classes, we sometimes read the book Up a Road Slowly. The book begins shortly after the death of the mother of two girls, one in her late teens, the other pubescent, 15 I think. The father is a high school teacher. The older daughter, a senior nearly ready to graduate and get married, stays with him because she's essentially an adult able to care for herself. The other is sent to live with an aunt. No reason is ever explicitly given for this, except that it's better for her, and the decision itself is never questioned by anyone other than the girl herself. By the end of the book, she's come to accept the general wisdom that it was the right thing to do. By the end of the book, she's mature enough to take care of herself and is sent back to live with her father. I'm always a little amazed that my students don't question the implication that the father is incapable of caring for his own daughter because he's a man and she's a teenaged girl who needs a woman's care. It's well written as a coming of age story, but deeply flawed due to the unquestioned assumption that men are incompetent parents in the absense of a wife. This book was written in the 50's. I'm constantly surprised at the number of people who still share it's basic attitude.

Having a good, caring, devoted parent is what is important, not the sex of that parent.

sexymama

No! No! No!

A child needs a parent (or parents) that care and are involved. The sex of the parent(s) is insignificant.

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

cj2112

I'm a full time single dad, I have been since my daughter was 4 and my son was 21 months, they're now 11 and 9. My ex-wife has not spoken with the kids in 5-1/2 years now, and they seem to be happy, well behaved children so far. The hardest part for me was how to get everything done that needed to get done everyday (meals, laundry, etc.). Once I got all that figured out (having a definite routine really helps) the rest has come easily for me.

doodlebird

nice work cj2112. i'm proud of you.

and drider, you're still good with the mrs., right?
this goes for almost any topic...
it isn't terribly healthy to live in fear of the bad that might happen.
enjoy the good in which you live
and share in your collective joy as a family.

i don't want to divert the thread, but here i go.
for those that ask,
here's my situation:
(for lack of a better word)
my babymama just decided that i wasn't the one for her.
i don't even know if i really qualify as a single parent.
i am a parent, and i am single, so i tend to think yes, i am a single parent.
but mom isn't totally out of the picture.
she lives near by (<10 min),
and cares for him about 15 - 20 hrs / wk.

he stays with me every night,
sees her some days.

so while my home is a motherless home,
my child is not a motherless child.
my babymama and i are in discussions
about the particulars.
she doesn't want to "drag a lawyer into it"
i'd be a damn fool to not get everything in writing
and filed officially with the state.
perhaps i'll start another thread for advice on this soon.

__________________
xoxo
doodle

raeanna74

I have a neighbor on my block who's wife works all week long and is gone all but on the weekends. He though, is home by around 3ish every day from work for his two pre-teen daughters. He's Dad and Mom all week long.

I think the single parent homes where it's just Dad being the parent aren't as common because it's harder for a Mom to disappear during pregnancy. Also the hormones that a mother has during and after pregnancy give her an instinct that makes it harder for mothers to abandon their kids.

As for it being wrong? - There is nothing wrong with a person acting like a parent themselves. It is wrong if the other partner in procreation has just skipped out but that's their fault and not the responsible one's fault.

A single loving parent can do more good for their child no matter what gender they are than a couple who scream at each other and hate the kid for complicating their life.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

cj2112

I would strongly suggest that you seek the advice of an attorney, you may not think you need one, and you might not, however I find it better to err on the side of caution in matters such as this.

Good luck in your situation, I think you'll find that being a single parent is not as difficult as most make it out to be. Don't get me wrong, there are some difficult moments, but overall for me it's been a very rewarding experience.

AVoiceOfReason

I *am* an attorney, and can verify that you need to talk to an attorney very soon about this situation. You need to find one experienced in such matters, and one that is familiar with what the judge likes in cases of this nature. A family friend that does criminal defense and car accidents would probably not be the best one to tell you what you need to be doing to prep for court, because make no mistake about it--it's just a matter of when, not if, you're going (save for a reconcilation, of course).

The best way to find an attorney that is good is to ask someone that has been in a similiar situation. If they liked their attorney and got good results (and I hasten to say that judging an attorney by the final results is not always a good measure--sometimes the clients have fouled things up so much before the lawyer gets involved nothing can be done to get a "good result" for that client), that's a good indication of who you are looking for.

On the other hand, if they got a bad result, ask who the other attorney was, and if they thought he/she did a good job. I've received many calls from someone that was referred to me by the party I had opposed in court.

__________________
AVOR

A Voice Of Reason, not necessarily the ONLY one.

doodlebird

i have already spoken with an attorney. i am ready to go in to his office and draft up the specifics of our future relationship. she isn't willing to go at the moment. she will however draft up such a document with just me - at home. can i get this "legalized" with out the presence of a lawyer or notary?

__________________
xoxo
doodle

cj2112

Why is she unwilling to go through traditional channels to have this agreement drafted, it seems odd to me that she is unwilling to have both parties interests protected by a document drawn up by an attorney. I would refuse to agree to not using an attorney, offer to pay the legal fees, and tell her that if she fails to agree that you will be forced to have it made legal via a court order.

AVoiceOfReason

In the state in which you live, it may be possible for one lawyer to represent both parties; it is a growing trend called "collaberative law," I think. Generally, though, it's best to have the attorney working for you; he or she can tell you if something is or isn't a good deal for you, or if you can do better if you go to court.

As for her unwillingness to go, I've seen that stall tactic repeatedly over the years; too often, the party wanting to move feels stymied by the reluctance of the other to participate like an adult. Don't let that stop you; you do NOT have to have her agreement in order to get a decree entered--it may take a little longer and cost a little more, but in the long run, you're trying to protect your child, no?

__________________
AVOR

A Voice Of Reason, not necessarily the ONLY one.

doodlebird

i am not worried about the child. he is in good hands with either one of us. she is a far better mother than she is partner. i do not want to keep him from her at all. i do believe in an even split 50 - 50 time. and she has agreed in principle to this. in actual practice, he will spend 4 or 5 nights a week with me. i'm as happy as i can be with that. those 2 or 3 nights without suck, but at least i have something.

as selfish as it may sound, what i'm trying to protect are my present and future assets. she says she doesn't want child support. i want THAT in writing, so that 5 or 10 years down the line, i don't become her winning lotto ticket.

i will never refuse to pay for anything for my son - while he is in my custody. but i'll be damned if i'm going to give her a cent. she left. she should support herself. i can take care of the child.

am i being selfish or close minded here? if there are any mothers who've left their partners out there, i'd love to hear your side of the story. i am struggling to understand my ex's decisions.

__________________
xoxo
doodle

spindles

I have a mate who's shares custody with the mother of his child - they have a verbal agreement, so it is certainly possible to do it, though the particular people involved have made it work. I think it comes down to the personalities involved...

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

spindles

and on the original question - anybody can be a good single parent - females don't have a monopoly on child rearing skills.

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Daniel_

When my wife had an affair we split. I kept the house and my daughter, but she spends 7/14 nights with her mum.

I ad a motherless house for 16 months before my new partner moved in, and now we are going through the task of creating a two centred "blended" family for my little girl - she has a mum and a nan at one house (and her mum's BF) and a dad and step-mum at anther house.

It was hard to get it right for everyone, but certainly worth doing. I never for a moment believed that a child needs it's mother more than its father. That's old fashioned crap - as I saw above, if you're no longer breastfeeding a dad can do everything that a mum can do.

If I could afford to, I'd happily stay at home and look after the family while my woman goes out to work - right now that's happening because of my employment situation, but I'll be back at work as soon as I can get a new job - I'll miss the school run, and the laundry. It's therapeutic.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

analog

My thoughts exactly- and the premise of the book you're talking about bothers me as well.

Minx

Firstly, as far as child support goes, if she says she doesn't want any then you absolutely must get that in writing. I can guarantee that her opinion will change a few years down the road once the expenses that go hand in hand with schooling crop up. That is something that must be addressed now - for children tend to cost more and more as they grow older!

I split from my ex (the once common law father of both my boys) when my littlest one was only six months old. Although I have attended the necessary courses the courts require for parenting after seperation, we have never reached the stage (after four years) where we have anything on paper. I left him and I don't ask for a dime for child support from him. I can take care of my children on my own but I must say I do appreciate the times he helps out financially by paying for a course they are interested in or just taking them out clothes shopping. To me, I don't want/need the money....I just want them (my children) to have a good relationship with him. It isn't their fault that he and I don't get along so why should they be the ones to suffer????? I've never understood people that use their children as pawns in a divorce. How can they not see that the only ones getting hurt by those type of actions are the children themselves? A little off topic there but it is a very toucy subject with me!

As far as the original question as to a child raised in a motherless home....it is all so simple to me. As long as a child is loved and raised in a good environment (ie supportive, non abusive, protected) then it doesn't matter if it is Mom or Dad doing the raising. There is no rule written in gold that says women make the better care-givers. I know a few, unfortunately, who probably shouldn't even own a dog let alone be allowed to raise a kid. I give a big thumbs up to any person raising a child basically on their own. It's not an easy task.

__________________
You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!