dksuddeth

Heres my situation, any advice is appreciated.

I'm a stepfather to a 15 year old girl and a 13 year old boy. Their mother is physically limited due to illnesses, mainly lupus. I'm the only bread winner in the house so I work full time. Their grades in school suck because they don't like hard work. They do any chore in the house half assed because they don't like hard work. They even chose to live with their father for 3 years because they didn't want to have to deal with my rules when their mother got really sick. Now they have been back for just 6 months and already the household atmosphere is an unhappy one again. I've yelled, bribed with allowance, grounded, and taken away just about everything fun they could possibly do. Last nite was just about the final straw so now I've limited their lives to school, their bedroom (no music, tv, games, etc), and the bathroom. They are not allowed out of their rooms except mealtimes, schooltimes, and using the bathroom. I've removed all responsibility from them except their schoolwork and the warning that they no longer have an excuse for bad grades since all they are allowed to do is study schoolwork. I've now had to become responsible for most of the housework as well as making the money.

I'm two seconds away from sending them to boarding school to get rid of them. I'm fresh out of ideas so any thoughts are appreciated.

avhg1

If they only came with instructions! Stand hard and don't give in on the things you tell them they have to do. One thing you may want to try is smaller achievements and smaller rewards. Don't wait for report cards for grades. Make them go around weekly and get each teacher to sign a paper saying they have done their homework. If they miss any signatures, the following week they are grounded. Give a positive reward every 4 weeks that they do it all. Take them to the movies or something.

They also may be scared or embarrassed to ask for help, so offer and check their homework on a daily basis. It's a lot of work, but it has to be done if you want a change.

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Rodney

I'm in favor of this. The closer the reward is to the achievement, the faster they "get it."

You might also graft a points system onto this strategy: certain tasks done daily or weekly earn points -- extra points if they don't even have to be told in advance -- toward some reward, said reward being some privilege or privileges that you'd give them anyway if they were responsible. And you'll have to spell out for them what a "good job" is in each case, completely and precisely, maybe even in writing.

Manic_Skafe

How long have you been their stepfather? Have you considered the possibility that they don't do what you tell them to do out of resentment for the relationship that exists between you? They might not be doing as they're told because you - someone they might not view as their real father - is telling them to do it. If this is the case and you're dealing with children who rebelliously refuse your wishes you'll probably have a number of other problems when they get older.

But if that isn't the case (and I hope it's not), are you sure they understand the consequences of their actions? As a child I never did my homework on time, I did my chores half assed, and I barely got anything done on time because "I didn't feel like it" and didn't fully understand the consequences to my actions. My parents didn't know how to get to the root of the problem, chalked it up to general laziness, added on the punishment, and it only lead to resentment and eventual rebellion.

Good luck and thank god for people like you who are willing to take on such a difficult task in and uncomfortable situation.

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dksuddeth

*update*
well, the next day after grounding them both to their rooms, the stepson decided that he was moving back in with his father. My stepdaughter MAY have finally realized how she's been and it seems like she's making a concerted effort to do things right for a change.

'manic_skafe', I've been their stepfather for just over 5 years now, have known them for almost 8. When their parents divorced, their father went sorta off the deepend and the kids latched on to me. we developed a close relationship. You are sort of on track about the resentment thing as it applies to my stepson, hence him moving back in with his father.

He was made aware that he will not be moving back in with us at all, although he will make the regular weekend visits for his mother. I'm angry at him for that but i'm also a little depressed about it. I feel like I couldn't reach him, that I failed.

anyway, thanks for those who responded.

Suave

Boarding school sounds great if you can afford it. That, or military school. :P If they're not doing anything by this point, they're pretty much lost causes I think.

maleficent

Naw, not lost causes yet... I'm not a parent, I just think I know everything...

Consistency... that's what has worked with a lot of the problem kids that I've seen, if they are grounded, tehy are grounded, they don't get a reprieve for one night to go out with friends, grounded is grounded.

Mom and dad have to have the same rules,y'all are a team in this... You shouldn't be put in the position to be the bad guy, or the "Wait til your step father gets home". How's she with discipling them?

It's nice to see a parent who cares and is taking responsibility for the kids.

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slimshaydee

It's really not something a parent should be given credit for, it's something they are SUPPOSED to do.
*goes into chris rock mode*
I take good care of my kids
You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids you dumb motherfucker.

tinomen

I think that you are doing the right thing. Remember that in a situation like yours, like it or not, there are more than 2 parents involved. ALL of the parents have to be consistent for the kid or trouble can brew. I know I am making generalizations here, but kids tend to follow the path of least resistance. It sounds like his father is the weak link.

Keep fighting the good fight. Make sure the kids know you love them, be there for them, but stick to your guns.

K-Wise

My parents tried everything with me. I was a teenager too up until last year. I made bad grades in school but if they really are good kids deep down they're probably just lazy and will be like me and do as much as they need to get by and thats it. It's stupid cause come time for me to actually graduate (on time mind you). I did so "by the skin of my teeth" as my parents so aptly put it. It's not that I'm stupid it's that I just didn't care. I knew I was gonna graduate anyway. They said I wasn't my mom didn't even want to buy my cap & gown because my counselor said I had no chance. I had to buy it myself. Then I got my act back together like I always did and did what I had to do. I got A's on all my finals and I graduated. Eventually they learn that they aren't really taking the easy way out by not trying. It's a lot easier to get it right the first time and be done with it. I did the same thing with one class in college and now I'm back home again until I give them a grand & a half or so. All my fault though the class I dropped that cost me my financial aid(they probably weren't going to give it to me regardless) was a whole shit load of work that I wasn't prepared for. I had to drop that one. I was under a contract for academic probation because of my ACT scores (What a bullshit test) and I had to take no more than 12 hours, maintain a 2.0 average, and regular attendance to class. It pisses me off because I followed the contract to a T. No where on the contract did it say I couldn't drop a class, I had to do that to keep the 2.0. But supposedly the guy "told me" I had to have at least 12 hours which is bullshit because he didn't. They always find a way to fuck you over so they can get more of your money. Thats why people have a problem with school. Most of it is bullshit. The only thing you need Algebra or Calculus for is so you can help your kid with it some day cause you almost NEVER use it in real life. Good luck with your step-kids, if they're smart, eventually they'll come around or they'll regret it.

Asta!!

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_Yossarian

I was your kids at that age except I was doing drugs and hardly going to school, or doing drugs then going to school. I did go to boarding school, and while it is expensive, it can be a great thing for highschoolers, it gives them a sense of independance. They can make their own choices and live in their own place (the dorm). Just keep doing what your doing, backing down is definately not the right thing to do in my opinion.

World's King

I was gonna give you this big long speach about how to raise "your" kids but then I realized something. You said they were teenagers. That's it. They are teenagers. They are gonna fuck up and try to ruin your life. You did the same thing to your parents.

They don't like hard work so you let them sit in their room's while you do all the work. Does that make sense? Their mother is sick. So, you make them stay in their room instead of helping her. Does that make sense?

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william

Stepkids - I feel for you. Been there, tried that. If you can't get their parents involved, you're in for a world of hurt. I feel sorry about the wife. She's in pain, but she needs to stand up, and hopefully get the ex involved.
The kids don't understand that you are trying to help them, not ride their asses. (Like you don't have enough bs to deal w/at work.)
You have a long, tough road to hoe. Bless you for trying.

Rlyss

I'm not a parent but I've been a teenager!

I think most of the points have been covered so I won't repeat them, but one thing I wanted to say was that if they haven't done their homework for ages they are probably way behind and don't understand it. When that happens teenagers go one of two ways - they try their hardest to catch up and they might succeed, but they also run the risk of failing.

Teenagers often feel like this (I think a lot of people do) - that failing after doing your best is sometimes more humiliating than failing because you didn't try. When you try your best and fail there's no excuse other than your own inability, but when you fail because you haven't tried then the reason is because you didn't do it, not because you can't. There's always the possibility that you could have so it shows that "I could, but I don't wanna."

I'm not tying to justify their laziness, what I'm saying is that perhaps they feel way too far behind that they've given up, and that it's too scary to risk failure. Sort of a "Better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you're a fool, than open it and erase all doubt" (but obviously more eloquent than that!)

I guess what I'm having difficulty saying is that their laziness might be because they don't see you as a father, or because they don't have a stable family life, or it may be because they need lots and lots of help with their homework to get back up to speed, and that's a real scary step. Of course I'm just going by my experiences here, but perhaps the younger child is being influenced by the 15 year old. If you got the 13 year old alone and offered to help him a lot - instead of threatening him or rewarding his success - and do his homework with him, it might be less scary and he might be able to catch up. He's probably following the 15 year old's actions.

I'm not sure if anything I've said here is true but I figured I'd offer that since lots of other points have been covered. I know that in my experience the risk of failure despite hard work can often be more humiliating than failure because of apathy, or projected apathy.

Ustwo

Guess my parents were blessed then to have me.

Half the crap about teenagers being pains in the ass is because they didn't have the discipline before they were teenagers. Not every teen is an asshole.

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ShaniFaye

There were some of us as teens that didnt disobey our parents, there are some of us as teens that did what we were told, There were some of us as teens that knew an adult person in a place of authority was to be obeyed the same as a parent is...there are some of us as teens the RESPECTED our parents...even if we didnt always like what was going on. There are some of us as adults that need to remember that being your teens FRIEND and not a parent is a plan for disaster.

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World's King

UsTwo, ShaniFaye.

I understand that not all teens are assholes. But in my mind, if you don't get it out then, you're gonna have to get it out some time. If you don't freak out on your parents and learn how to express yourself in as many ways possible... you'll end up doin' it when it's not so accepted. Like at work; in your late 30s. When you run the risk of getting fired. Being fired is a lot worse then being grounded for a weekend because you called dad a Nazi and said you wanted him to die in his sleep because you couldn't go to your boyfriends house.


Make sense?

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ShaniFaye

Oh great...another thing to worry about now... because I respected authority as a teeneager Im gonna lose it anyday now cause Im going into my late 30's

(there IS sarcasm in that sentence )

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Glory's Sun

I agree with this for the most part. I had strict discipline as I was growing up. When I hit my teens, it was my turn. Now granted I never told my dad to die in his sleep or anything, but I was an asshole. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I learned alot that way. My brother is the opposite. He keeps everything inside and doesn't express himself. He's going to college soon. I'm willing to be he's going to go on a rampage because he didn't do anything while he was in high school.

Ustwo

I think that is a lot of it. No one wants to be the bad guy, and if you wait to long you can't be the bad guy when its needed.

Kids do need to find themselves when they grow up, but I think its wrong to assume that doing so requires them to be jerks, be it at age 14 or at 30.

If they respect their parents they will not do a lot of the 'jerk' things out of fear of what their parents will think. Not what their parents will do, but out of the fear of disappointing them.

I work with kids everyday, ages 6-18, and its a rare day I see a 'bad' kid with what seem to be good parents. While not everyone will react the same, some kids have different personalities, some have anger issues etc, I think often the blame is on the parents and saying that teens need to act out in a destructive manner is just a cop out for being a poor parent.

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bal8664

I'm surprised no one else here has mentioned this. Could it be NOT that they are just lazy at school but they arnt smart enough to get the grades you want? I mean one being 13 just entering junior high, things get ALOT harder. and the other being 15 just entering high school the same applies. Also the whole social atmosphere changes when entering these grades. When your 12 your usually the oldest grade in the school, your on the top of the hill and kids know that, once you go into that next grade your back down to the bottom. Also maybe you have too high expectations for "good" grades. Kids get things other than A's, theres nothign wrong with B's or C's. Punshing your kids for not getting good enough grades while not attempting to really solve the problem by talking to their teachers and maybe hiring a tutor is just going to make things worse.

SirHaxalot

i didnt read all the previous posts, so excuse me if its been said but i myself am a lazy 14 yr old boy. I dont know if any good advice is going to come out of this but i figured id write from my perspective.

Im a fairly smart kid but i dont like work and i dont do my school work a lotta the time. I manage to get C's due to my test scores though. My parents expect A's and B's though so this doesnt fly. My mom recently put some pretty strict limits on my school work. She took away my computer privelages [im at my dad's house now ] my tv, my video games, and its cold outside so that leaves me with my guitar and my homework. I hate her dearly for this, but i have been doing better in school, she makes me do my homework and makes sure it is done. I can still just not tell her of certain assignments and such but i get B's now and a few A's so that works, for me at least, taking away most everything i do for fun while leaving me with guitar and things that are enjoyable but not mind rotting. She also threatened to make me wear glasses again and give me a burr haircut. Appearance means alot to me but i really hated her saying that.

As far as chores, i hate doing them not just because of doing them but because i feel like my parents [mainly my dad] dont do anything around the house and im cleaning up his mess and such. If you can somehow enforce the ole just put it away when ur done with it... put ur dishes in the dish washer not the sink kinda thing, thats always good. I dont know how thats enforced, never though about it. But if u can get us in the habit of doing it it only takes 10 seconds at a time instead of 10 minutes at once.

also, since u are a step dad u lose a lot of respect and authority points. I always hate it when my step dad tries to tell me to do something. I prefer him to be a friend kinda thing. Depending how long you've known the kids though it may be different. I got my first step dad when i was 12 and i liked him alright as a person but i was old enough to have the pre-teen attitude and not want him to tell me to do anything since he wasnt my father. I think a little money helps on certain chores. money is better than allowance, because it is instant gratification. My step dad recently let me chop wood for 25 cents for a set size. I made about 8 dollars in a half hour. This seems like a lot but it got me mor eused to doing chores and more open to doing more in the future even if for a more reasonable deal that wasnt as much in my favor.

I'm done with my meaningless rant, i hope it helped at least a little

xray21

Man Boarding school will get kids in more trouble down the road.. They will fell like they have no on to turn too. Man i know yourfeeling like yournot touching them in the way you would like but just show them how much u care about them one day they will come around.. The problem with parenting these days is that there is not enough time in a day for most parents they work 8 to 10 hour days, when they get off its enough time to cook dinner and get ready for the next day. I can understand how stressful your stiuation is when kids are used to somthing and then it changes it never seems fairtry sitting down talking with them see what there side is DONT GET PISSED let them speek there mind.. try being in there shoes.it sounds like your the only parent in there life. moms sick dads sound like he is trying but is still living in the past and trying to get it again. just keep you head up smile try to understand everyone. taking everything away isnt going to help because they will just rebail.. hope this helps a little.

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sexymama

I know I've said it before -- but the best resource out there is Loveandlogic.com I listened to the tape "Hormones and Wheels" over and over when raising my step-sons. One had been through drug rehab then his mom refused to let him move back with her. He was very angry. The ideas on the tape saved my life! It is well worth it!!!!! Good luck.

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Lefty04

Choose your battles carefully. You can't change everything, so pick one or two things that you think are critical and let the rest go. Hammer on the top ones until you see some progress, then consider adding one or two more. You don't want to get into the habit of constantly fighting about every little thing.

cybersharp

My simple advice would be to.

1. Send them to boarding school now.....It will toughen them up.
2. You could also send them to a boot camp? That will definently make them work.

Somtimes there is simply nothing you can do for a kid. In that case you should let them spend time with people who have no inhibitations about teaching them to toughen up...boarding school will make them alot more active...because the more they dont excell there the more their lives will degrade.

Their lack of motivation isnt your fault. Its there's...if they dont have respect for themselves then no one else should.

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0PtIcAl

yellowchef

ok it was all too much to read and though I dont know what its like to have a Stepfather, I know what its like to rebel. I can't say that I agree with whoever said "they may not be smart enough" most children are very smart and maybe he is going about things the wrong way. If their school offers it send them to tutoring DAILY(if possible), have the instructor sign a note detailing what they did and whats left to do. If the school or teacher won't/can't/doesn't if you have the means send your daughter to a place like Sylvan Learning Centers. If her grades were fine in previous years and she didnt jump from regular classes to AP/College classes then there is NO excuse for poor grades. No excuse for laziness, tardiness, being messy, or poor attendance. Talk to their teachers on a weekly basis, do what was suggested earlier and get weekly progress reports. Check in on thier homework and help if you can. Then reward them every 2-4 weeks. Reward meaning they get to go with you and their mother(if shes able) to a movie, or dinner or something family oriented. It sounds like they need to be reminded of what family is. I know they might be rebelling, but its not worth letting them go to find it on their own.

You sound like a GREAT Stepfather, dont ever give up hope on them. They have to understand that they have to use their intelligence and be responsible. I highly doubt your children are "dumb" and cant bring home at least a B. Things may be hard but they will make it through and if that means you keep them home for a while so be it. When theyre older they will thank you.

I also hope you respect them as well. You dont go digging through their rooms, and the like. My parents always came to me with their concerns.. and if they thought something was wrong and I was hiding it, they usually got me without snooping. If you feel the need to seek family councling do so, if you do have insurance and they cover it.. you should do it. Even though you've been around them for a long time they may not recognize you completely as a parent figure. Its good for them and it allows for some moderation with problems they may be having. Sometimes when you can see the problem from outside the box, its easier to find a solution.

Yes its your job to be responsible for your children, but so many parents fail to realize that.

viejo gringo

Been there, done that..was a step-dad to three...

I found that if I did things with them (taught them to hunt & fish) and went to
little leauge games..and I was always there for them---right or wrong--they came around..Yea, I had to remind them of their chores several times...

The girl---you have got a real chance there....teach her to drive...

She and I used to sneak off and with the little car, and then I would let her drive..
she got so good out in the country, that I let her drive in-town to her friends house to show off a little...

hang in there --you will survive...

yellowchef

yeah, you're never going to get out of reminding them about the chores.. but making rewards family oriented, and making sure youre in their lives is important. Right now I want nothing more than just to be with my family. I loved it when my parents/family could always be at all my events. Now it takes extreme planning, money, phone calls.. phone tag usually..

just make sure you remind them that you will always be there, and it sounds like you have. Ive seen many step parents who give up because the kids are too difficult.

MacGuyver

I'm not a parent, but I am a teenager, but also a legal adult.

I know when I was around that age, the best thing that would have worked for me would have been if I understood WHY I needed to fulfill all of these responsibilites. Yelling, anger, and punishment do absolutely NOTHING but make them more bitter twoards you. All of the negativity will make them only go through the motions of everyday life just to "get by" and survive uner your rule. Communication is key. Try and make a heartfelt person to person connection with the kids. There is no way these kids are going to do what you want them to do correctly if you merely scold them.

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---Aristotle

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i8one2

although mine are only 7 and 10, and they never had any form of structure or discipline until me. We tried meds, timeouts, take there stuff away etc... nothing worked, I even went as so far as to use physical restraints(had too) these were your classic wild children in every sense of the word.. And did nothing except WANT and GIVE me.

UNTIL! I took THERE time. simply this: if they don't clean I take away prime-time things, and have them just sit or have them do there homework nothing else. for the time they wasted having me remind them to do there responsibilities. not cleaning there room 1/2 hour, no bath 1/2 hour etc..and I let it build to 2 hour and them enforce it constantly, period and without comment...sort of a modified TIME OUT.
you wast my time, I'll waste yours.

Medication didn't help them
Yelling didn't help.
taking stuff away didn't help
taking away TIME precious TIME worked like magic, after the second or third enforcement, they little guys got the concept and POW....they are almost normal and behaved young children.

TEEN timeouts?

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Catmandu

My daughter is 14. We just got high-speed cable before Xmas. In addition, I installed a wireless network thruout the house, which included her bedroom computer. She quickly discovered IM. I quickly discovered that removing the wireless adapter from her computer is a sure-fire way to get her attention. I realize that not everyone can use this solution, but it is something that worked for me. I don't like being a parent. I hate acting like one. I feel guilty anytime I have to punish my daughter.