fairsquare

Here the question.

If you had a child, but met someone in another country that you felt love like you never felt before, would you be able to leave your child if you knew the person they were staying with would be very good to them, but you would only see then on very rare occasions, This also assumes you are currently not in a relationship with the person you had a child with.

hannukah harry

i said "no." once you have a kid, they should always come first. the only time they shouldn't is if it means that the kid will benefit in the long term.

for example, if a parent has the opportunity for a new, better paying job but it means not being aroudn teh child as much for a little while, but means being able to better support them.

or... if the parent really can't give the child what they need so the kid has a good, healthy upbringing, then giving them to someone else who can and will care for them.


i'm assuming you have this choice before you right now. you're child should come first. this person may be the love of your life right now, but it could end. a child/parent relationship lasts a lifetime.

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

Esco

I'm not sure I could fall in love in such an extreme manner ... to make me want to leave my child behind. I'm much too practical and absolutely insane about the little one..

Ella

This one is rather close to home for me. I met a guy who I fell madly in love with when I was married, and consequently separated from my husband.

This man lived in another state and was unable to move for his own personal reasons, so me, in my insane-in-love wisdom decided I would move to live with him and leave my two girls with their father. I figured I could still see them in the school holidays, and perhaps after a while they may wish to move down to live with me. I guess I harbored this thought for 3 or 4 weeks before I decided I just could not do it - I looked at my youngest child, who was only two at the time, and could not fathom not being with her every day...the same of course went for my older girl.

I broke the news to my man, and after spending some time with him, decided not to pursue the relationship. It just didn't work for us. Still, I look back on that time and try to revisit my mindset where I was willing to leave my two precious babies for a man I had only just met. Fucking crazy stuff.

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"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."

hannukah harry

<b>ella</b>

if you don't mind my asking, are you still with your husband (childrens father) ?

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

Ella

No, we have been separated since then (nearly two years now).

He and I have now decided to co-parent and tolerate each other for the good of the kids. He rents a house next door to me, and so far, aside from him helping himself to my laundry powder, food, marijuana, etc, it's working OK.

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"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."

fairsquare

Well Ella, I appreciate you responding. I'm the guy in the situation. I guess I'll just have to be ready if she finds out that she can't be away from them. I don't know what I would do in your/her situation, and I really want what is best. How do you think your kids have been doing in this split situation? How did that go with telling the man you loved that you couldn't go through with it. Did that happen after being apart for a bit and then having feeling of guilt develop, or did you just know right away.

All of this is very personal. ...but then again, thats why places like this are kinda nice.

raeanna74

I would stay with my daughter until I found a way to take her with me or never leave at all.

Only reason I could justify leaving her in someone elses care is if I was unable to support her at all in my current situation and leaving her in somone elses trustworthy care would enable me to be better support to her.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Hard8s

Feelings can change. Being a parent does not.

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If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

:::OshnSoul:::

Nothing would come before my child. EVER.

tecoyah

Guess I am the only Yes....as I have already been in this situation. My first wife (long story) is a christian minister, and has done a great job with our son, as I knew she would. We divorced at her request, thru my manipulation of circumstance (also a long story), in order for me to be with what I percieve to be my soul mate.
We now have three children of our own, and as difficult as it was at the time, for all involved, it is far better than the inevitable result of staying together.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Ella

fairsquare...the kids have been doing pretty well. My ex went overseas to work on a cruise ship for 7 months, coming back to in January. As I have no family here in my town, and I work full time in a pretty demanding management position, it was kinda tough doing it all by myself. There were times when I felt like I was losing it, but I'm pretty strong, so we all pulled through.

He is back now, and after spending time in the house with us, moved out next door after it became obvious neither of us wanted to reconcile with each other (it was what we were both thinking may happen when he got back - we were both wrong). The kids are now benefiting from both parents being around every day, but not fighting like we used to when we were together. I am happily single and fiercely independent. And the kids continue to excell academically and develop as amazing little individuals. He and I have never - and will never - badmouth each other in front of the kids or fight for custody in courts. We made that pact the night we separated. We have completed our financial settlement and all we need to do now is divorce.

Re: the man I loved (note the "d")....he was pretty shattered when I told him that I wasn't moving down. He has two kids of his own, so he understood, but said I should bring the kids with me. I said I couldn't take them away from their Dad, as to his credit, he really is a fantastic father. When I thought of telling the kids I was leaving them, I felt physically sick and overwhelmingly guilty. But I thought it would lessen the impact on both my husband and the kids. But I came to my senses and they will probably never know what I was planning to do.

The man and I spent 4 weeks together at his place while the kids were away with their Dad, and it was after about the first week I realised I could not be with this person in a relationship. As I mentioned in another post about internet relationships (yes, I met this dude on a forum), the sex was amazing - coming from a sex-less relationship, it was the best thing I could do to reawaken my passion - and I thank him for that. But I could not tolerate him as a person, and the thing came to a mutual end about a week after I arrived back home from staying with him. We are no longer in touch. But when I look back on the situation, I would not have changed anything. I needed to take that risk and see if he was the one, otherwise I would have always wondered. Life is about taking risks and following your heart, and regret is futile.

And you're right about it being personal, but I believe life experiences are there to share if you're comfortable with doing so. Good luck with your choices.

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"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."

Polyphobic

Personally, I could never leave my boy. I would rather be alone and banished to the world of self stimulation. Maybe it is just me but my child is my life.

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<--The great infidel-->

la petite moi

Why wouldn't you take the child with you? In my opinion, the child comes first until he/she is old enough to take care of him/herself.

fairsquare

Leaving usually isn't a question of desire as much as it is that once the parents split up, they don't have lives that move in the same direction. Imagine living in a small town of 6000 and then splitting up. Husband wants to stay but you get a wonderful job in New York City.. Husband has joint custody. You would love your child to come with you, but Husband has 1/2 custody and want child to stay. Well... Sometimes I think it would be better for the child if one parent or the other just accept letting go. Sometimes the decision to stay by the child in a selfish decision not in the interest of the child. What would you prefer, 2 constant people who play the perfect mother father role, or 2 biological parents always struggling to work things out.

Ella

Yep, that's a hard one. A plum position with my organisation recently came up in Canberra that I would have applied for if my ex would move as well. The thought of me, a sole parent with two kids under ten, working a long and demanding working week without any partner or family support didn't appeal greatly. So, he and I will move - in our separate lives - but to the same city where we both wish to live. For the kids.

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"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."

maxhooters

who could answer yes to this? no way could i ever do that

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making four left turns is not a sport!!!!!

highthief

But so many people do. My neighbour just chased some woman off to Australia. I worked with a guy whose wife left to move hundreds of miles away.

I answered "no" - but it obviously happens.

perripken

three words: NO FUCKING WAY!

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And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

pinkie

No relationship is more important than the relationship I have with my child. Besides, how do you explain leaving to them years later, when that child is a teen and asks, "Why did you leave me for so and so?"

Abandonment might be a big issue for this kid as a result you making this decision. I would seriously re-think the long-term consequences, because for me, it wouldn't even be an option.

Unless:

A) I'm not providing a healthy environment for the child, and they would be better off in a safer living situation.

B) The child was old enough, and was choosing to go live with a different parent or guardian.

joeb1

I think it is very important for me to be there for my kids. I know I could not leave them to be in another country.

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Disco Duck...

meembo

No. This runs counter to the basic rule my parents taught me -- that if you bring a child into the world, you owe them everything you have. I've tried for a long while to think of a single exception to this principle, and TIME with them seems to be the single most important investment to make in them, for them, with them.

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less I say, smarter I am

desal75

Blood is thicker than water

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The Man in Black fled across the desert and the Gunslinger followed.

Baldrick

I love my girls WAY too much, and couldn't bear to be without them for any length of time. Thankfully, I never see my wife and I ever not being together (12 years of marriage, and I love her more than ever before), but if something did happen, I couldn't imagine not being able to attend my daughters proms, concerts, etc... Not to mention, not being there when they need lifting up or advice.

Nope, my happiness is one in the same as theirs. I couldn't be happy if I was away from them - no matter who it was with.

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You can be young only once, but you can be immature for the rest of your life...

canuckguy

this is one of those threads that I typed out an answer atleast 4 times, each time i deleted them. after years of watching my parents put themselves first over me and my sister I could never let anyone or anything come between me and my little baby.

whocarz

If I had children, I would never leave them, barring death or presumabley a military deployment.

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If there exists anything mightier than destiny, then it is the courage to face destiny unflinchingly. -Geibel

Despise not death, but welcome it, for nature wills it like all else. -Marcus Aurelius

Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever? -GySgt. Daniel J. "Dan" Daly

m2js

What a way to jump in...

Hell no. I'll leave my (minor) children when you pry them from my dead and rotting arms.

But I'm a bit of an egomaniac. I'm sure nobody could mother my kids the way I do. : )

Crystal

somoose

While I would not leave my child (I love him and my wife too much), I'll throw out the child's perspective here.


If the child is very young (say less than 2 years old) then the child could probably recover from being given up. I was given up at birth and adopted by great parents. If you're considering leaving your child, then chances are you're probably not ready to be a parent at this time. If you choose to pursue this relationship, you should consider giving the child up for adoption, but you should do two things. First, ensure that the child's new parents will be excellent parents who have a parenting perspective that you are comfortable with (religious beliefs, life goals, college, etc). Second, make it a closed adoption and expect to never see your child again. I know this goes against what's currently popular with adoption, but the adopted people that I know tend to agree that this is the way to go. If you keep popping into and out of your child's life you will do much more harm than good.

This is a tough choice. I hope you make the right one.

Derwood

I would agree, providing that the parent who stayed with the child didn't bad mouth the parent who left every day. If the father, for example, leaves, but the kid grows up hearing about "that bastard who abandoned us" every day, the kid won't likely recover.

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"You can't shoot a country until it becomes a democracy." - Willravel

G5_Todd

i voted no...it would be selfish to do other wise....

RainbowBright

I agree with most of the other folks. Once you take on the responsibity of being a parent your a parent for life. Kids have to come first. I've known some people who's parents have "left" under various circumstances and all of them seemed to really have an empty spot in their soul. I don't think you ever get over the feeling of abandement.

Blonddie

No way, that is my child. When I gave birth I was also making a lifelong commitment to take care of this new 'person'. Give them up for a relationship that may/may not work out? Nope, there are way too many other men out there who you can find love with and still keep that original promise.

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"There's one in every family...two in mine actually.."--- Zazu

Frenchie

I don't understand why they can't bring the child with them.

You made the baby, it's your responsibility. And even though you want to go and have your own life, it's your fault that you have such obligations.

Stay with the kid even if it means to bring him/her

somoose

This is why I'm for closed adoptions. That is, the parent(s) should give the child to a new set of parents who take full responsibility for the child. The new parents would not (or at least, they should not) tell the child that he was abandoned; they should tell the child that his or her birth parents made a difficult choice and decided that the new parents could give him or her a better life. I'm not at all for one parent leaving another to care for a child by herself, nor am I for one parent leaving and taking the child with him or her. Both of these are selfish acts, while both parents giving up a child for adoption is a difficult and selfless act.

Diamond

Way no way!! I couldn't imagine leaving my kids, but its your life... my ex sister-in-law walked away from her 4 children. The two younger ones were really one and seem ok, but the 2 older ones are really, really bitter. I'm interested to see how they screw up their own relationships.

raven12

Absolutely not. If you have a child, the child should always come first.

adam

NFW. My daughter comes first, always. If I left her for someone else, my self opinion would plunge to zero. (Not that it's so high as is, but.)

The Phenomenon

No

Your child loves you and needs YOU.

98MustGT

Read the....

"Father of Statutorially Raped Teen Mom"

post

canuckguy

my daughter is now almost 6 months old and my feelings on this subject are even stronger.