The Critique Thread....Beware

[Jetée]

Thank you for the positive remarks tecoyah!

It is always great to recieve input on one's thoughts and actions so as to try to improve progressively. I'll use this as a catalyst to ponder and create some more original compositions.

Provocative, in-depth, awe-inspiring, and more, all yet to come!

[tecoyah]

Basis for more, these bloodied swords
Missed my heart by a sliver
allowing further depth in words
tempting active minds to deliver

[nevin]

Originally Posted by Chimera

As a general rule an Epic piece of Poetry should tell a story, rather than pick apart a single subject.

If this work was Half as long, it might make a statement, and capture the readers interest. I recommend a re-write to shorten the length.....there is well written material hidden in the fluff.

that's not necessiarly true-- look at Tennyon's "In Memoriam" it is a huge epic piece and it picks apart his love and grief. And even though time passes the sentiments are so circular that in a way he makes no progression

[tecoyah]

Originally Posted by nevin

that's not necessiarly true-- look at Tennyon's "In Memoriam" it is a huge epic piece and it picks apart his love and grief. And even though time passes the sentiments are so circular that in a way he makes no progression

While true, there is quite difference between an old world style epic poem, designed to create a visual representation, and a long poetic tale with obviously placed "filler" lines. Still, Poetry is not meant to follow designated rules per se...so I certainly see your point.

My intent was to express opinion meant to help.

[Baraka_Guru]

Originally Posted by tecoyah

tempting active minds to deliver

The meter of this last line throws off the others. First, the words' stresses cluster too much. Second, there are too many syllables (nine, compared to eight or fewer). You should recast this line for two reasons: 1) to keep closer to the rhythm of the other lines, and 2) you could choose better words to achieve your meaning (not to mention your rhythm): "active" and "deliver" seem a bit banal, for the lack of a better word.

Other than that, the other lines seem to work well together. Good work.

[Midnight]

hmmm... looks like this thread needs some new blood. Allow me...


Demonic vebraculum encircling my throat
Dragging me ever downward
Into the unplumbed depths of my soul
Forever seeking confluence of souls with just one other
Yet with disdain for the homogeneous translucence of my fellow man
Seeking clarity of vision
Not only for myself, but for mankind
Vain effort
The sanguine just memory now
Vicissitude of mind
Onyx overlaid sepia tones
Distorting my already surreal vision
Of the life rushing onward and away
Forever just beyond my grasp.

[mixedmedia]

I don't write poetry, per se, but I write "things" occasionally when I feel the need...have at it


we will be together again
and he will fill the empty spaces.
Or is that me...my own closely guarded vulnerability
lying dormant
through the unremarkable hours
stretching, awakening, surfacing
-the voluptuous mind-
full, soft, willing, exposed
eager to part its fragile veil
and embrace the generosity
of its own indelicate abandon

[Baraka_Guru]

Midnight: it's dark but not quite brooding. I'd like to see more reflection, more movement. If the voice of the poem is simply stuck, I would like to know more about the effects of this. What are the implications? If you're posing this poem as lyrical, you should let the reader know a bit more internally.

Your rhythm is effective, just enough to make the reader lose their breath. Your enjambment gives the poem not only a forward motion, it practically lurches, which is suiting to the tone of the poem.

mixedmedia, this is a good start. Sorry if you meant this to be a full poem, but as a reader I still felt there was more to be said. This feels like a much longer work. Your rhythm is tidal, which makes it engaging in a good way, but if it were to carry on like that in a longer work, it would be tiresome. You might want to vary that a bit...let the reader rest a bit before hitting them up again.

"unremarkable hours"
"indelicate abandon"

These are great word pairings; there's a poet in you yet.

[mixedmedia]

Thank you, Baraka.

Actually, it is the greater part of something that was written specifically for someone. I've written a few other pieces, but they're all primarily erotic and primarily embarrassing to share...

[tecoyah]

Take heart they say
and so I do
stealing love to fill my own
Take heart they say
perhaps confused
not knowing what is asked
Take heart they say
but never smile
when stolen passion bleeds
Take heart they say
and so I do
exactly what you asked me too

[ring]

///

[tecoyah]

The theme is great, almost a take on the killing with kindness. And, though I very much enjoy an edgy poetic story, I did find the chopped phrases distracting.

Well fed am I by the meat of the text, and its worth working to know the piece.

[ring]

;;;

[ring]

888

[ring]

...

[echo5delta]

Man. I really don't know if this is the *right* place for what I'm abot to drop, but near as I can tell it's the more appropriate forum. Please let me know if I'm mistaken in that assessment.

Anyway, I read the news today, and it inspired me to crank this out, FWIW:




While my dad was in the Army, I had the opportunity - albeit without a choice - to move around frequently and see a lot of the U.S. and the world. Of all the places we lived, there's no doubt in my mind that the two years we lived in West Berlin made the biggest impact on my life, my future, and how I've come to view the world in my lifetime.

We arrived in late 1979, just after my 5th birthday. I flooded my parents with questions about The Wall, the Russians, why people couldn't live together, all the other things I couldn't quite understand at the time. By the time we returned to the States, I had grown to understand a lot of the history, culture, and politics of the city. But it was only years later that I began to fully understand and appreciate one of the greatest humanitarian efforts in modern history - the Berlin Airlift.

It was 60 years ago this week that the Soviet military blockaded Berlin, shutting down rail, road, and boat traffic to the city. General Lucius Clay, who was appointed as the civil/military governor for the occupied zone, rightly concluded that leaving Berlin would be the wrong thing to do. Although the the Soviets would likely resolve all "technical difficulties" causing the blockade immediately, it would be a huge loss of prestige for America - not just her government leadership, but her military as well. All this, not to speak of how the lives of two million Germans could be changed forever.

Now, keep in mind that I hate math, statistics, and having numbers thrown in my face to make a point... But in this instance, I think the numbers give a good basic understanding of how monumental this effort truly was. On 24 June, 1968, there was enough food in the city to last 35 days, and 45 days' worth of coal. The next day, 32 US aircraft flew in 80 tons of supplies. Four days later, the RAF began flying in supplies as well. Based on numbers generated by Clay and legendary Air Force General Curtis LeMay, American and RAF pilots in C-47s, C-54s, RD-5s, DC-4s, and the venerable Avro York began flying almost 278,000 sorties in and out of the city that would continue for 15 months. 2.3 million tons of food and supplies were taken into the city, at the rate of roughly 5,000 tons per day loaded at 3-4 tons of cargo per flight, depending on aircraft type - the larger birds held around 10 tons. Tempelhof Airport had aircraft touching down every ninety seconds for the bulk of that 15-month period.

The picture I'm painting here (and the definite impression that I have of the Airlift) is one of constant activity, countless moving parts, and true selfless dedication to accomplish a mission - in this case, helping Berliners to not only keep their city, but live life as they had prior to the blockade. I'd imagine one other big factor in those very early days of the Cold War was being able to roll up your sleeves as part of a team and give the Russkies a big one-fingered wave while you were at it. Despite all this, the pilots who flew these missions knew how vital every single flight was - particularly the first flight, piloted by the late Jack Bennett. I can only sort of imagine what it's like knowing that you'll be on the ground again in an hour, yet still wondering if it'd be wheels down or in a burning heap of potatoes and avgas.

What really drives home the significance of the Airlift for me is that to this day, all Germans - and Berliners in particular - remain grateful for what the American and British pilots did for them. Tempelhof Airport, one of the very few remaining structures that was built ground-up by Hitler's Reich, became an icon of the Airlift. I'll tell you something - when you have lifelong residents of the city which was the beating heart of the Nazi regime actually fighting to preserve something the Nazis built, that speaks volumes about what Tempelhof represents in their hearts. Sadly, their efforts eventually failed and Tempelhof will soon be swept aside for a larger Berlin airport.

Maybe I'm talking out of my ass, but I think Berliners in general would call it a travesty that most Americans have never heard of the Berlin Airlift. I know it certainly pisses me off a little bit. Just to narrow it down further from my perspective, as a serving member of the Armed Forces: there are many proud moments, legendary battles, and timeless heroes who have formed a legacy that I strive to carry on every day I put on this uniform. For my money - and especially in light of America's post-Korea views of her military - you'd have to dig pretty deep to find an operation more selfless, more righteous, and more deserving of respect and admiration than the Berlin Airlift. Regardless of the circumstances or the politics surrounding the entire affair, it came down to American and British fighting men putting their lives on the line to help two million strangers keep their own.

If that's not as good as it gets, I really don't know what is.







Feedback welcome, although (so far as I know) this won't ever be published, really.

[Speed_Gibson]

Maybe I'm talking out of my ass, but I think Berliners in general would call it a travesty that most Americans have never heard of the Berlin Airlift.
that is an appaling travesty, that is an important piece of history

[Poppinjay]

I think you described the situation very well. I learned about the Berlin Airlift in the 7th grade. However, I was never taught about the Berlin Airlift. It was in my Social Studies book, and I read ahead.

Your piece would be a good op ed.

[Baraka_Guru]

A squirrel was upon the sidewalk,
right there in the middle of my path—
it made me stop my bike.

I couldn't take my eyes off of it as I
set my bike onto the grass. Never before
had I seen such a wild creature so close,
so still.

It hadn't moved, so I seized the moment
to catch a closer look—fuelled by youthful
curiosity.

It hadn't yet moved, despite my creeping;
there it lay, right in the middle of my
sunny path. There it lay as though I
gained the element of surprise, having
cleverly set my bike onto the soft grass.

I stood right before the furry creature; it was as
though it were asleep. Why, then, would such a
wild thing sleep there on a sunny afternoon?

So with some sense of of dread, I toed it awake,
go, now, and run off as you are supposed to do!

But instead of a chirp of terror or protest and a
scurrying off to a nearby tree, the squirrel's
entrails spilled forth onto the sidewalk,

and then I was gone!


[First draft]

[roachboy]

i'll come back to this later, comrade baraka--but by initial response to the piece was to wonder why the line breaks.

i use them alot in my journal as a kind of device to make it easier for multiple meanings to remain in play--sentences tend to render univocal--so even though the actual placement is intuitive, in general there's a system. plus i see that i am doing as prose.

here i kept thinking that there don't need to be line breaks, that it works well as a prose-poem.
the only trade-off i can see is that it would maybe compromise the twist-ending. but not necessarily.

i'll play around with this later.
it's a nice piece though---keep going with it.

[Baraka_Guru]

Yes, there are varying negotiations of meaning when considering enjambment, but in this case, it was mainly casual and intuitive. In places I've used it as a means to add emphasis to the words that begin certain lines, other places are for rhythmic reasons--with the hope that it will make it stand more as poetry than prose. I'm not opposed to a purely prosaic poem, but that was not my intent, clearly.

This poem was actually rather spontaneous, which is why I marked it as a first draft. I composed it as I was making the post. I welcome playing around with the line breaks.

Thanks for your feedback, and I look forward to your revisiting it.

[angelpain]

first, my only comment about everyone's masterpiece is how each felt like a roller coaster ride. from love renewed to loved lost it was heartwarming. so my offer is a poem/song meant for a friend's band. i had original posted my piece on facebook but no rip of said poem had been conducted so i offer this to all my new friends here at TFP .

A little history of said poem. I wrote it right after my ever long relationship with my love we were together for 6 years. And well this was the 2nd try at long distance and it failed. Couldn't balance him living in CAli for 6 months out of the year while I live in Philly. Yet he does own a hose not far from me. In the end he chose Cali over me and well a week or 2 later i met my now present boyfriend. And me and my ex can't ignore 6 years of being in love and his my best friend and vise versa.

I now offer my work to be rip apart and digested:


You've taken my soul away;
There's nothing left for me in this world to call my own anymore.

My flesh is burning away;
My skin is pealing away at the very thought of you placing your hands on my body;

The sirens blazing once again;
A signal flashing in my head to run away;

You've destroyed me for the last time;
Every time I'm around you there's this void left in the space where my heart use to rest;
i hate the person I become when I'm with you;
When we first fell in love it felt as through we were invincible;
Us against the world;
I was a fool to have given you my heart...

Did you really mean it when you said that you loved me?
By now, I've come to the conclusion that is just a game;

I hate the person you turned me into;
This monster that you unleashed on me has changed me for the worse.

In the end, all I want to do is find a way to escape this feeling of agony.
There has to be some way to end this pain.
Some logical solution to end this war inside of me.
But I can't stop myself from loving you no matter the much of a monster you have become.
But I need to start hating you just a bit more to regain my sanity.
I need to go mourn this relationship now
(Fin)

[tecoyah]

Originally Posted by angelpain

You've taken my soul away;
There's nothing left for me in this world to call my own anymore.

My flesh is burning away;
My skin is pealing away at the very thought of you placing your hands on my body;

The sirens blazing once again;
A signal flashing in my head to run away;

You've destroyed me for the last time;
Every time I'm around you there's this void left in the space where my heart use to rest;
i hate the person I become when I'm with you;
When we first fell in love it felt as through we were invincible;
Us against the world;
I was a fool to have given you my heart...

Did you really mean it when you said that you loved me?
By now, I've come to the conclusion that is just a game;

I hate the person you turned me into;
This monster that you unleashed on me has changed me for the worse.

In the end, all I want to do is find a way to escape this feeling of agony.
There has to be some way to end this pain.
Some logical solution to end this war inside of me.
But I can't stop myself from loving you no matter the much of a monster you have become.
But I need to start hating you just a bit more to regain my sanity.
I need to go mourn this relationship now
(Fin)

I think you have expressed something most people feel at one point or another, in one depth or another. This piece is a true soul read, and for that alone is a worthwhile read.

There will be no ripping apart from me, as the personal nature of the work makes form irrelevant.

Digested
-----Added 26/12/2008 at 08 : 07 : 30-----

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

A squirrel was upon the sidewalk,
right there in the middle of my path—
it made me stop my bike.

I couldn't take my eyes off of it as I
set my bike onto the grass. Never before
had I seen such a wild creature so close,
so still.

It hadn't moved, so I seized the moment
to catch a closer look—fuelled by youthful
curiosity.

It hadn't yet moved, despite my creeping;
there it lay, right in the middle of my
sunny path. There it lay as though I
gained the element of surprise, having
cleverly set my bike onto the soft grass.

I stood right before the furry creature; it was as
though it were asleep. Why, then, would such a
wild thing sleep there on a sunny afternoon?

So with some sense of of dread, I toed it awake,
go, now, and run off as you are supposed to do!

But instead of a chirp of terror or protest and a
scurrying off to a nearby tree, the squirrel's
entrails spilled forth onto the sidewalk,

and then I was gone!


[First draft]

A peek into morbid thoughts, and a testimony on the fear of death.

I enjoyed this...but then I am a sick mind....heh
-----Added 26/12/2008 at 08 : 19 : 05-----
My eyes will dwell on this innocent child
Manger out of focus, mother serene
Day of birth no matter
My mind cares not for books compiled
So many words that do not mean
The message lost and scattered
Some plastic God in static pose
Placed for weekend worship
Faded painted Jesus
I understand now why he chose
Why he left us hardship
Why a God would leave us