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Originally Posted by tecoyah
tempting active minds to deliver
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The meter of this last line throws off the others. First, the words' stresses cluster too much. Second, there are too many syllables (nine, compared to eight or fewer). You should recast this line for two reasons: 1) to keep closer to the rhythm of the other lines, and 2) you could choose better words to achieve your meaning (not to mention your rhythm): "active" and "deliver" seem a bit banal, for the lack of a better word.
Other than that, the other lines seem to work well together. Good work.
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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot
Last edited by Baraka_Guru; 07-18-2007 at 07:57 AM..
Reason: Clarification
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