Stare At The Sun

Disclaimer:
First off, i've never written a script before, so, my layout of the dialoge and such is a little skewed, but I tried to keep it as well laid out as possible, regardless, you should get the general idea.

Please help me as much as you can, i'm not worried about grammar, or typo's, i'm worried about developing the chars, about the plot, about momentum, and things of that nature. Also, I need a soundtrack!!! Other little clips of songs, or music that you think would fit, whatever genre, whatever type, im open to suggestions! Thanks in advance for the help i'll get.


Synopsis:

Remmy "Two Times" is a down on his luck gambler who
happends upon 25,000 dollars, enough to get him into a
high stakes poker game. With his life turning upside
down around him, and old rivals coming into play,
Remmys life is anything but a game.

The script is a bit to long to post here, so I posted it as an attatchment. Its a .doc file, so it should open with whatever word proccessor program you have, even notepad/wordpad works fine.

TheWalkinDude

The strongest point of your script is definately the pacing. It moves along at just the right speed for a film of its length.
The dialogue is sharp and compliments the characters well. You can see Guy Ritchie in it. The liberal swearing definately gives it a Guy Ritchie feel, but some of it seems out of context and completely unneccessary.
In terms of your characters, they fit into the story but just seem a little underdeveloped. This isn't too surprising considering it's a short film with little time to spend on each character. Maybe it might work in your favour to write a couple of them out of it. It seems to me some of them are expendable. Also, there's no closure to their stories. All we know is Remmy wins the big pot and loses his bad luck streak, and that Streets gets shot. It seems there's all this excellent buildup and then nothing happens except some guy gets shot for no good reason, and another guy walks away with a fortune he won from someone else's money. Maybe Remmy could be discovered as the guy that took the money from the mugging scene, and be the one to get shot? It offers some closure and keeps with Remmy's luckless character.
It's a very good script, and I hope I've helped to improve upon it, if only slightly.

Stare At The Sun

Just a few questions;
Which certain places you feel the swearing is to strong or out of place?

I wanted to include a little more history between Streets and Remmy, but i'm not exactly sure how, or if I'll be able to have enough time to do it. I was thinking of having a "flashback" esque scene, of a Remmy losing a lot of money to streets, getting beat up for debts he owed, etc.
Also, I would like to develop the background story behind Hatten and Streets, again though I'm not sure if I should just expand the dialoge of their first scene, or develop an entirely new scene.

Do you think its clear enough, that the money that Remmy "discovered" in the allyway, was the money that Streets was supposed to give hatten for his drug deal? I think it will turn out that way in the actual film, as the ally, and trashcan will be the same. However, I could improve on that scene as well I suppose.

Thanks for the help!

TheWalkinDude

I'm not sure where exactly the swearing doesn't work. But sometimes it just doesn't seem justified and it's as if it's there just for the sake of swearing. If that makes sense.

Maybe you could include the history during the actual game, with streets referencing the time he won all Remmy's money? Something along the lines of: Streets - You've got some balls, playing against me again. Remmy - Well, we'll see who makes who bankrupt this time. Just an idea.

And I think it's clear enough in the alleyway scene. I don't think that needs any expanding upon.

Anyway, I'm glad I was some help. You've got a great script.

Stare At The Sun

*Shameless bump/plug*

amonkie

Well, on the swearing line - the girl's saying she's better than Remmy, yada yada yada. But her actions aren't making her seem that way. She's smart about taking the beer, but her presence would have much more impact if the swearing was meaningful. Just my personal opinion, if every other word is a swear word coming out of someone's mouth, my impression of them drops. Maybe rethink to where in the scene she shows the most frustration, and let it fit there.

As far as Remmy and Streets, you DO need to explain that a little further. Seeing 25 grand would be the motivation for pretty much anybody to snag the cash, but exactly How and WHY does Remmy know/care that it's Streets? Flashbacks would work, I think- or else when he says "I'm taking your money, Streets" have something there.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Stare At The Sun

I'm going to rework some of the swearing, as that seems to be a common thing that people are saying, the scene with the wife, will be reworked, showing even more frustration.

And the 25 grand scene, my object wasn't so that remmy knew that it was street's money, rather, that he simply took the money, and the things he says will make sense to the audiance, kinda putting them on an inside joke. If that makes sense.

Charlatan

Stare at the Sun... give me a day more and I'll have some notes for you... I just read it through today and made some quick notes... give me some time to read it again...

I think it is a good start.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Stare At The Sun

I made some more adjustments. I believe this plot could be expanded on, and really brought to be a feature length flick.

Any input would be great. Positive, or negative, I need it!

Charlatan

I didn't hear back from you so I thought you'd moved on... let me read it through again (it's been a while).

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke