Willravel

This is a small sample of my work. Please do not take it. Please do not ask for more. I am very very new to written word as an artistic form. I hope you enjoy.

Perhapse into the darkness we glide gentily,
unaware of enivitibility, on the wings of birds.
A waking slumber as days years again and so on,
never to notice what truth is in totality.
Unknown, to begin to comprehend is to be unique,
trembling at the thought of thinking of opening my eyes.
Our eyes diverted from the ever present darkness,
by those who wish for nothing but for themselves.
A war civil around the corner ever grows,
all that is on our minds is the bright shiny light in the box.
Considering ourselves to be greatest among all of God’s creations,
blasphemy day by day makes our creator weep in anger.
Destruction will befall all of His people as they wait in golden citys
of self importance over and over those will die off.
The final crack of the broken atom will break the seal
over the eyes of the willing to understand and rethink and relearn.
We must adapt. We must rethink. Adapt. Rethink. Live on,
for tomorrows sins will NOT follow todays into the flames.

amonkie

Wonderful art Thanks for sharing!

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Willravel

Thanks for your support.

Willravel

Here's the rest:

No longar a glide into darkness we face,
the chaos and madness enter minds we know and love.
Friend against friend, brother against brother.
The dark one has taken the world into his hand.
Perhapse simplicity and roots in the beginning are the answer,
to atrocitys brought on by our own selves.
But soon we realize that those atorcitys are our roots.
We cannot seperate, we cannot seperate, we cannot concede.
The man in white answers all and gleams bright,
as we are blinded yet again by that which hunts us.
Do we follow, do we follow, will he be our savior?
All the time we forget who the TRUE savior was and is.
The man’s words will turn from gold to serpants,
each biting those who conceded and marking them.
Their skin will crawl as the poison reaches their hearts
and they will die and live and walk the earth as nothing.
Those with the wizdom of old shal fend off the man in white and his master.
Not much longer. Must keep going. The true light is almost in reach.

“WHEN, WHEN, WHEN WILL THE END OF TIMES COME?!”
will be the shout of all those left in the desert with those bitten.
“SOON, SOON!” shout the hopeful and faithful, for they will know
and this will come as no surprise to them as the last begin to fall.
Those last hypocrits will begin to remove their cloaks of decency,
and the snakes will come again from the ground.
The purging of this world is almost in it’s final stage,
for those who go on must be free of those who will not.
“Goodbye, goodbye,” we shal cry, “I am sorry, but...”
“LIGHT FROM THE HEAVENS!” Triumph is upon us.
The joy of a thousand joys will enter those chosen by the one called I Am,
laughing and crying will join all in a final communiuty.
This community will go on forever and never be tainted or choked by anyone or anything.

Peace be with those who are chosen, and faith to those who are in dark times.
Our salvation draws near.

Okay, that's it. I hope everyone liked it. Please, I want complete honesty, tell me how you liked/disliked it. Rip it apart if you want. Proclaim me the new king if you want, too.

amonkie

There's a really good flow, aside from a few grammatical errors. It could just be me, but this line:

This community will go on forever and never be tainted or choked by anyone or anything

just felt a little out of place somehow. Maybe something to try would be "Forever this community lives, untainted, unchoked by life in all its forms" or something. Maybe play with the wording, trying to express yourself without all the ands and ors that are kind of taking up mental space in that line. Feel free to totally ignore anything I just said, but you said to be honest

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Willravel

Grammer has never been a strong suit, but a lot of it was on purpous. I've been a jazz pianist for about ten years now, and I've taught myself that ignoring the rules can sometimes make a song much more interesting. Of course, I have no idea how to punctuate when I'm working outside the lines of grammer. I don't even know if it's acceptable to use impropor grammer as a tool. But, I agree with you about that line. It had been bothering me. How about "A community beyond infinity; beyond the purest joy of this world."? It sounds a little generic, but it fits.
Kinda has a nice ring to it.
Oh, and than you very much for the feedback.

amonkie

By grammar, I meant a few words had been misspelled, I just wasn't sure if this was intentional or not. As far as the line, your change is a definitely a lot more in the same vein as the theme of the previous stanzas and lines. If you don't want to use the word beyond twice, that might be the place to interject one of them with a different adjective to make it a little less generic.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Willravel

Oh, haha. Yea, I'm quite poor at spelling. "...dwarfing any joy of this world." seems decent.