aberkok

Hi there. Some of you have been following my journal entries and talking with me on chat and I'm really at the end of my rope. You see, I have two weeks left in my contract and I've spent everyone of the last several days feeling nothing but sadness, loneliness and anger. I need advice if you have it.

For those who don't know, I'm playing piano in a hotel jazz trio in Hong Kong. It's been a three month contract which has put me halfway across the world from my wife, who I miss very much and I think is probably half the reason I'm feeling this way. The other half of my emotions come from my bandmates who I'm not getting along with at all. They are a couple and to make a very long story short, they are very close minded. I know because I've made suggestions about the music which they've rejected time and again. But the main problem is that the bassist's anger management has made me extremely uncomfortable on the stage, and since the singer (and leader of our outfit) is his girlfriend, I don't feel as though I can properly air my grievances in confidentiality. They've also had several visible disagreements with each other on the stage and never apologized for it.

I can't stand talking to them in the set breaks so have recently begun to bring a book to read while I sit with them, but listening to their constant complaining makes it hard to read. They are the furthest people in the world from the type I would call friend.

Some of you have already offered very helpful advice, and I've taken it, but no matter how much city exploration I do during the day, I get back to the hotel around 5p.m. to make sure I'm ready and on time for the gig, and from this time until the gig starts I am a blubbering fool with tears streaming down my face, at once feeling lonely (it's hard to make friends when you don't speak the language) and furious at what my colleagues have put me through.

I feel like I've tried everything, and I really need someone to give me an idea to have at least one good day before the end of this run. I think this is the closest I've ever come to true depression.

One idea I got today was to compose a letter of grievance and give it to our agent, who I've found to be helpful. Even though an agent wouldn't care about whether I like them as people (or at least I don't expect so), I think he'd be very interested to know about their on stage arguments.

Please help me.

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Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

Poppinjay

aberkok, I'm in a similar position. I'm two weeks away from moving "home", and also voluntarily becoming unemployed. What I'm finding is that the closer I get, the longer the days drag on. I'm moving from the town I've worked in for the last five years to join my wife because she got a job that pays her more than both of us were making.

I'm still going to have to get a job to make the household equitable, but the wall of awards, the years of experience amount to nothing so far and I will likely have to leave my profession (journalism). Ironically to move to a city that employs more journalists than any other part of the world.

The one thing you have that I wish I had, was a hotel room. I'm rooming with others who barely know me. This really sucks when I have a bad day. I have to go to their house, smile, and play happy. It's not like rooming with buds, drinking beer and watching football. The things I have that you don't, is familiar surroundings and a wife that is a few hundred miles away instead of thousands.

From reading your journal, it reminded me so much of a discussion I used to have at a previous job with a person originally trained as a classical vocalist. When she would refuse to learn certain operations or do things a certain way, I would say she was exhibiting her, "musician's ego". I worked with a lot of musicians, and even used to be one until I discovered it was much easier to play CDs than instruments. The exposure that a musician has to go through breeds a fear of trying things outside a comfort zone, and I think that's what your band mates are exhibiting. Fear of a wrong note is a powerful thing.

Some things I'm doing - I go to the beach as often as possible. I even went the week after Hurricane Ophelia. It's like years of therapy. I make a plan to really treat myself to something everyday. Some days I don't follow through, but I know all the things I want to do here and I try to do them.

I also started finally posting to TFP. When things just seemed too bugfuck for me to keep sane, I thought about the old board I used to post at, which had been through two deaths and was re-incarnated as a closed board. I didn't want to post someplace where we all baste ourselves in our own opinions. I had to start talking, and TFP has turned out to be a really good place to do that.

It was disappointing to read in your journal about your band mate dismissing your suggestion as letting you "win". I think you just need to write them off all together. Concentrate solely on what makes you happy. If you have to talk to them, talk about how wonderful it will be to be home with your SO, or about some amazing place you've been.

My caveat, I have had my.... dark.... times too, so I don't think it's possible to maintain an upbeat attitude 24/7. More like 16/5 if I really worka at it. But you're in the home stretch. Home is your payoff for enduring this.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

maleficent

Homesickness can be pretty powerful... three months is a long time to be gone from the person who you love and loves you. You're in the homestretch now, you'll be home soon enough... and hopefully your next contract won't be with the people you are currently with.

Poppin's right... Concentate on what makes you happy... Find something in your day that gave you a smile... and when you have those tough moments... remember that smile...

Two weeks left... Hang in there...and have faith in yourself...

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Astrocloud

Man, you are in a trio. I can think of at least three trios that broke up because of internal tension or creative control.






It's also pretty obvious that with just a bassist and a singer -that you are the heart of the band. You are both the rhythm section and the lead. Believe it or not -you are standing out to people watching you. Hang in there and when your contract is up -form your own band. Have others audition for you. Then you will be the creative lead and if they complain -you can empathize because of what you are doing now.

In this case -you truly have a case of "That which does not kill me will only make me stronger".

abaya

Aberkok, I haven't read your journals, but I can definitely empathize from my own summer. I was doing fieldwork in Zambia and Iceland for near 3 months, with back-to-back travel (didn't come home between these countries), and missed my boyfriend horribly. I mean, HORRIBLY.

Somehow I made it through Zambia, even though one of the (very small) group embodied everything that I hated and she drove me nuts. I also had no way of communicating with the outside world (not even writing snail-mail, let alone having cell phone coverage).

But once I got to Iceland, I really think I got depressed for the whole month. I did my work but still hated being so far away from my love, and the daily phone calls were only a mild balm. I had no internet in the place where I was staying, which would have helped so much. Basically I just had to live through it, every dragging day... but it did end, believe it or not.

And you will go home. And you will be with your wife again. Just keep slogging through each day, and eventually they WILL pass, and you will feel better again. (Oh, and post here, of course.)

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

fresnelly

All I can offer you is what helped my wife through a similar situation a few years ago. She was working for a small summer theatre festival in a small town, away from me for 4 months. The Director she was working for had some sort of mental snap and became unreliable, spiteful and paranoid. It was my wife's job to produce the Director's vision and provide for the welfare of the cast and crew. It became impossible. How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable? How do you deliver what isn't planned for? To top it off, the Director began accusing her of incompetance, and bizarrely, a conspiracy with the Board to undermine her artistic reputation.

She would call me in tears nightly feeling completely alone because of some new accusation or insult. What helped her through it, was the realization that the Director was entirely a force unto herself. All of her wild accusations and erratic behaviours were self created and did not reflect upon my wife at all.

If a crazy asshole treat you poorly, his or her insults simply don't hold any water. You are above them and outside of them. All you can do is watch the shitstorm spin around and around in front of you without fear of getting dirty.

Not to be flip (really!), but maybe you can find some humour in this. Pretend you're the saloon piano player while these two idiots are having an old western style shootout and brawl. You just keep on playing that ragtime like a madman while the bullets, bottles and chairs fly around you. Provide the soundtrack for their own self destruction!

Put a calender up on the wall, mark off every day that passes and keep counting until you get to leave. Besides, look at all these happy people who are counting down with you!

__________________
Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

Leto

You're almost there! Just squint, clench your teeth and look down the road, before you know it you'll be home to what really matters.

When you look back, you will realize that 3 months was no time at all, and you will wonder why you let these two unprofessional colleagues ruin your time in such an exotic place.

I am will to bet that the reason these people behaviour is affecting you so much is precisely what you stated: you miss your wife, and you are battling homesickness/culture shock. Try to remember your original goal for taking this gig. Is it being fulfilled? I doubt that it was to get into these two people's good graces, but to gain experience and make money.

You can make it!

PS, if it helps you to quantify your issues, write up/document your grievances, and give them to your agent. At least he will have an idea of what you are going through, and be forewarned about these other people for future engagements.

aberkok

OK there's been a really unexpected development, which is very good. We just had a big talk over a bottle of wine and aired all our grievances to each other.

Basically what was happening is that I didn't feel comfortable telling them what my problem was. This festered in my soul for a while and eventually it was no secret that I didn't like them. Then they started thinking I was an asshole and they were reacting in kind to that.

Tonight I apologized for acting that way while simultaneously expressing what my problems were. It was hard to come out and say, but the gist of what we decided was that we are all different musicians and we will never fully agree upon "what should happen" in any given tune. Also I was insecure about my mistakes, thinking I was pissing them off by making them (which it turns out I wasn't). We were all so afraid of making each other mad that we weren't being honest with each other.

Of course I was the one to bring this up. That bothers me a little bit, and I'm proud of myself for having the courage to pull this festering band-aid off (and it was a band-aid on an amputation). Even though I feel like the initiation of this huge talk shouldn't have been my responsibility, I am pretty confident that we can finish this contract anger free, and I'm grateful that I won't be despairing before each of the last 13 gigs.

You guys have all been very helpful and I was afraid I'd come across as yet another "help please," thread, but I am so grateful for the time and effort you've put into sharing your similar experiences. I hope that anyone with similar experiences will still chime in. The discussion doesn't have to end with my problem being solved (which I really hope it is).

__________________
!check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com

Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

denim

There's no shame in asking for help.

Sultana

Aberkok, I'm so glad to hear you've had some resolution in this mess. I'm sure that must lighten your heart some.
I hope the TFP can help to be a salve these last few days. My heart ached to read how sad you are/were, I know that loneliness is a terrible thing. You probably have something akin to "senioritis" (as in a senior in college, not a senior citizen, lol!), where the last few days are harder to get through than the previous few months. But you'll get through it, and you'll soon revel in your home and wife in ways you didn't previously realize were possible. Well, OK, you probably did, but what I *mean* is...oh, you know what I mean!!
:P
}}}}HUGS{{{{

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Cynthetiq

nice to see you opened the lines of communication... so you did it first... better it got done then not at all if you continued to wait...

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

analog

i say..

1. complain to the agent about the total lack of professionalism in front of their audience
2. let the contract expire and leave them, go home to your wife, count your blessings.

jorgelito

Use it. Use it as fodder for your creative outlet. Express your feeling, an outlet, through your music. Through your performances, or if you compose, do that too. It can be an amazing and staifying experience.

Good luck.

P.S. - I have followed your journals and love the pics you took.

aberkok

True dat. The anger seems to be gone now and I'm still left with an intense longing to be home. Better to be sad then sad and angry. I'll be able to get through it, but it honestly feels like these last 3 weeks are going to feel as long as the first 2 months...

__________________
!check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com

Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

JumpinJesus

Hey aberkok,

I just started reading this thread and was feeling really bad for you, but I'm glad to see that you were able to have a discussion with them and get your feelings out in the open. There is never any way to make the time go by fast when you want it to. The only advice I would be able to offer is something that you're already doing: keep a journal. It won't make the problems go away, but at least you can look back later and remember what you went through.

Sorry this isn't more helpful, but I just wanted you to know that we're all rooting for you to make it home to be with your woman.

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses