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aberkok, I'm in a similar position. I'm two weeks away from moving "home", and also voluntarily becoming unemployed. What I'm finding is that the closer I get, the longer the days drag on. I'm moving from the town I've worked in for the last five years to join my wife because she got a job that pays her more than both of us were making.
I'm still going to have to get a job to make the household equitable, but the wall of awards, the years of experience amount to nothing so far and I will likely have to leave my profession (journalism). Ironically to move to a city that employs more journalists than any other part of the world.
The one thing you have that I wish I had, was a hotel room. I'm rooming with others who barely know me. This really sucks when I have a bad day. I have to go to their house, smile, and play happy. It's not like rooming with buds, drinking beer and watching football. The things I have that you don't, is familiar surroundings and a wife that is a few hundred miles away instead of thousands.
From reading your journal, it reminded me so much of a discussion I used to have at a previous job with a person originally trained as a classical vocalist. When she would refuse to learn certain operations or do things a certain way, I would say she was exhibiting her, "musician's ego". I worked with a lot of musicians, and even used to be one until I discovered it was much easier to play CDs than instruments. The exposure that a musician has to go through breeds a fear of trying things outside a comfort zone, and I think that's what your band mates are exhibiting. Fear of a wrong note is a powerful thing.
Some things I'm doing - I go to the beach as often as possible. I even went the week after Hurricane Ophelia. It's like years of therapy. I make a plan to really treat myself to something everyday. Some days I don't follow through, but I know all the things I want to do here and I try to do them.
I also started finally posting to TFP. When things just seemed too bugfuck for me to keep sane, I thought about the old board I used to post at, which had been through two deaths and was re-incarnated as a closed board. I didn't want to post someplace where we all baste ourselves in our own opinions. I had to start talking, and TFP has turned out to be a really good place to do that.
It was disappointing to read in your journal about your band mate dismissing your suggestion as letting you "win". I think you just need to write them off all together. Concentrate solely on what makes you happy. If you have to talk to them, talk about how wonderful it will be to be home with your SO, or about some amazing place you've been.
My caveat, I have had my.... dark.... times too, so I don't think it's possible to maintain an upbeat attitude 24/7. More like 16/5 if I really worka at it. But you're in the home stretch. Home is your payoff for enduring this.
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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet
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