Drider_it

As some know im a "Jesus freak" and all. I just had a close friend die in a wreck yesterday. He pulled out infront of a big truck and hit it head on so to speak. Yet in the end, i'll find my self standing infront of his wife and son.

How in the hell am i to find the words to express the hurt and loss they feel? short answer, I cant. noone can.

I would love to say his death isnt meaningless. He give his live to God. He lived every moment i knew him, for Him. Yet, God dosent promise us a safe life. Accidents happen. yet anything i say no matter how good or ill it sounds cant compare to the heart ripping that has been done to them.

yet she goes on without her husband, and the son loses the only person in his life he called dad. as a husband and father of 3, its a sobering time in my life.

I sit here and wonder how would my wife and kids make it without me? would i be remembered. the answer is yes everyone moves on. but the hurt takes time to heal if ever.

one positive side is our church community. we are there for them. so in some what small way, they aren't alone.

they will have his body back from the state autopsy by tomorrow (louisiana state law is standard in this on accidents on certian roads) Heck of a way to wake up in the morning being told this. I'm just sitting here watching my kids sleep, before getting my daughter up for school.

its funny before i had kids, i never thought of dying. I was gonna live forever and all my friends and family. When someone died I just passed it off as life. but in the last 10 years ive seen some good friends and loved ones go on. Life seems depressing at times.

one thing I gotta say. its ok to cry. you have tear ducts for a reason. one thing i always thought was good about a human being. they can express grief in many ways.

Its the son i feel the most for. he's around 10 or so. my oldest is 8 and im his best friend in the whole world. mom's are great but dads make the whole world a better place.

man this sucks.

__________________
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

tecoyah

I wrote this for another thread but, seems fitting:

He will not go to heaven.....he will not go to hell
where has he gone ....no one can tell
the form of demise should matter the least
for to know what is secret....we must be deceased
each manmade opinion of god I can see
but none defines clearly where death will bring me
so each of us ponders the end of this strife
to me....it is clear....Celebrate Life

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Drider_it

well the good part is even though there is sorrow there is also joy, in our beliefs we know he's in a better place. his life on earth made a difference. he wont be forgotten. and i for one am PROUD i was included in his brief time on this world. I can be happy in the fact that i can stand up with my back straight and say "he was a friend, a good husband, an awesome dad. He was a man"

__________________
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

Poppinjay

Drider_it,

I'd like to make a suggestion... I'm sure your friend's wife knows you feel deeply for him and his family. Don't think too deeply about what you need to SAY, but instead about what you can DO. If there are things that need to be done that your friend didn't complete (buying or chopping that cord of wood for winter, cleaning the grill, closing the pool etc.), do it. Don't ask what you can do, just let her know you're there to do it, and unless she really doesn't want you to do it, then do it. You know, don't take over or be pushy about it, but identify where help is needed and help out. Ask his wife and son to spend the night so your family can pamper them a bit.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

ratbastid

It's common that people who are close to bereved family members want to say something to make it better, but I submit that doing so is a mistake. It's important that they be allowed to feel however they feel. They'll likely experience feelings and "meta-feelings"--feelings about the feelings they're having. Within the next few days, for instance, it's likely she'll catch herself feeling happy or good about something, or even just forget for a moment that he's gone, and feel horrible about that. It's important for her to know that that's completely normal, and part of the process. Anything they experience is part of the process, however ugly, and it's all totally okay. So if you want to tell them anything, tell them that.

More important, though, is just to be there for them. It's not what you say that makes the difference at a time like this.

Rodney

As you suggest, go easy on the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. I know that some people believe that, and the widow may. But it's not an argument to make someone feel better when they're in the first flush of grief. Let her come to her own feelings in time

In the meantime, be around and be ready to help -- actually, volunteer to help with any little thing. Help her get things fixed. Take a bigger role in the son's life, and see if any other men in your church are willing to do so.

It's not just what you do in the next month or two, but in the next several years, that will help this family cope.

raeanna74

Don't say anything. Just "I'm sorry." and hug them. Be there, be silent, and be there a year from now when the anniversary pain comes around. It's being there down the road for them that will matter the most. Now they're numb. It's down the road a month or so from now when the son wins his ball game and all anyone can think about is - "I wish Dad was here to see you." THAT is when they need you.

Like the other's said don't go into the "it's for a reason", "God's will", "God is in control". That's what I've heard and when you're in pain and you hear that, all you (it was that was for ME at least) can think is "So if HE's in control then what the heck did I do to piss him off cause I was zealous." Then when you and all your religious friends move on and the pain really sets in it will only make matters worse.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.