Office flirtation - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

texxasco · 09-06-2005, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

I don't think telling your wife is a good idea. So...you find a woman attractive and joke around with her. Are we all doomed to "report" to our spouses every single person we find attractive and joke around with for our entire lives? This is ridiculous. If deep down inside you think you might hit it off with her, then stop it now. Pretend she came up to you and began taking your pants off. Would you stop her if you knew no one would find out? If you're not sure if you would stop her, then stop communicating with her, end of story. There's no reason for your wife to know every detail about every woman that you find attractive. If my girlfriend came up to me and said, "There's a guy at work and I'm not gonna have sex with him but I think he's hot and we like to joke around" I would think something is up, even if nothing was up.

-Lasereth

Lasereth nailed it.... The best thing to do is take a good hard (no pun intended) look at the situation, and ask yourself some questions. If you value your marriage and respect your wife, then the best way to go is cool things a little at work. Talk to your coworker, and explain that maybe the two of you ought to cool it a little before it turns into something more, and both of you end up getting yourselves into hot water. Innocent flirting is one thing, but when there is an obvious physical attraction going on you really have to tread lightly. I would also add that you make it clear to your coworker that you don't fault her or yourself for being attracted to each other, but it is for that very reason the two of you ought to be careful not let it turn into something else.

dman2 · 09-18-2005, 11:49 AM

Quit!!!!

It will only lead to the inevitable. You will find yourself in another woman's bed with a great satisfaction that you made it there. But then what? Will you be able to go home to your wife? If she's cool with it, she is likely cheating too.

Caution yourself while at work. Not only will you run into the problems mentioned above, you may lose your job. It won't happen gradually. Your boss will start compiling information on you in disguise. You'll walk into work one morning and walk right back out to your car jobless. I have seen it happen too often. I still think that your job is the least of you worries. Focus all your energy pursuing this other female on your wife. Didn't you do the same thing with your wife when you two met? It is a pursuit until you get married. It's what you do after you get married that determines how happy you are in your marriage.

My question to you is:
Do you want to stay married to your wife or do you want to be single and play this game with women for the rest of your single life? You can't realistically have it both ways and honestly be happy for long.

Keep a balance. It is normal to flirt but once you get to the edge, don't cross it!!!

Catdaddy33 · 09-19-2005, 04:56 AM

The flip side of the coin, is dating/flirting in the office pool. Not sure about where you work, but I'm in a building with couple thousand people and the rumor mill runs rampant. Often I get informed that so and so are having an affair (not that I really care), cause of the behavior that you describe. More than likely it's not true, but if gives the illusion there are those that will run with it. That information could get to your wife or her husband.

Hell, I found out that one of the teachers at my wife's school, her husband works for the same company I do...

Now imagine if he mentions that this guy at work named John Smith is having an affair?

Oh really, we have a Smith at school, I wonder if its his wife?

Cover your ass..

Borla · 10-01-2005, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robot_parade

Wow, thanks for all the responses. Sorry about my late reply.

Anyway, I'll try to reply to everyone's points at once...

I don't think being honest with your spouse always involves full disclosure. For instance, I wouldn't dream of pointing out every girl I found attractive to my wife, or every flirtatious interaction. Not that I'm trying to hide anything from her, but what would be the point? Going out of my way to point out each and every girl I'm attracted to would only be hurtful to her. If I did something wrong, then yes, I should 'fess up'. But being attracted to other people and mild flirtation isn't wrong. At least, I don't think it is.

However, it's true that the situation I've got right now is more serious than that, and I spend a fair amount of time talking to this girl, going to lunch, etc. So if I didn't mention anything about this to my wife, I'd be hiding something, and that would clearly be a problem.

Since I wrote the original message, things seem to be moving more towards a 'friend' relationship with The Girl. There's still flirting, there's still attraction, but we both know we're not going anywhere 'serious' with it, and I think we're both more interested in being friends. We still definately have the mutual crush going on, but we're even more clear with each other that it isn't going to go beyond that.

As far as my wife goes, she has met the girl, and we've teased each other back and forth about me flirting with her, etc. The Girl and I went to lunch again this afternoon, and I mentioned it to my wife. I think she was a little jealous, but seems to be 'ok' with it. She teased me about having a coupon to the restaurant that The Girl and I went to for the next time The Girl and I go on 'a date' (her word, not mine!). She also asked if I 'behaved myself' (which I did!). So, I think I'm being fairly open with my wife about this - I haven't sat her down and said 'I have a crush on this girl.', because I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't deal with that well; I'm afraid she'd interpret it as "I want her and not you." :-( Which isn't the case.

Having both would be interesting, though. ;-) But that hardly ever happens outside of porn, right? :-)

What would I do in a hypothetical situation where The Girl threw herself at me, and there was no way we could ever, ever be caught? I'd like to say I'd resist the temptation, but I know that *saying* I'd resist temptation is completely different from actually resisting it. Best to not get in a situation like that in the first place. ie, don't do something stupid like winding up alone together in a private place, etc.

A couple of people asked if I would act the same way if my wife were standing over me. Of course I wouldn't. It would be disrespectful, if nothing else. But I haven't done anything I would be mad at my wife for doing. I think the key problem is uncertainty - my wife can't know everything that goes on when I'm not with her, and she can't know what's going on in my head. So with that uncertainty, there's room for doubt - she trusts me, but I think she's still worried. So the best I can do is be open and honest, and remember where the boundries are.

I like this girl, and I'm attracted to her, and I'm very flattered that she's attracted to me back. But at the end of the day, I love my wife, and don't want to cheat on her.

So, for now, I'm going to work on 'behaving myself' and making sure I keep open and honest communication about it with my wife. And, having fun (but not too much) with my crush. And, I hope, getting a really good friend out of the bargain.

I'll keep you guys posted with any interesting tidbits.

And, if it all does end in tears, you are all invited to the divorce proceedings to give me a well-deserved kick in the ass. :-)

maleficent: 'caveat flirtor' - that's *awesome*! :-)

You sound like you have a level head on about all of this. Keeping it WAY, WAY in the "friend zone" is the way to go. I've had female friends in the past that I've had business dealings with that put me in a similar situation. My wife and I, and her fiancee and her, have hung out together, and the girl and I have discussed openly that it's great to be friends, and we'd both REALLY be doing bad to go beyond that in any way. It's stayed that way for years now, and never been an issue.

catrinacamps · 10-02-2005, 04:26 PM

I have been going through an office flirtation also and my advice....step back now!! It has gotten to be a very uncomfortable situation for me and I am not sure if I will be able to continue working with him. We never intended it to get further than just teasing and flirting, but have walked the edge now and it is not a good feeling. Neither of us feels good about the situation and are working hard at just avoiding each other right now. The worst thing about the whole thing is that he was probably my best friend for a long time and our spouses accept that we are great friends. Nothing further is going to become of our flirtation but I feel like I have cheated my husband just by developing feelings for this co-worker. It is easy to say you have boundaries, and I hope your situation ends without tears or divorce, but I would be careful,

Titan_Uranus · 10-19-2005, 11:18 PM

what you need to do is to stop your attempted fucking aroud and stay true to game, remember what goes around comes around.

highthief · 10-20-2005, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratbastid

Okay, first of all, you've got to tell your wife all about this. And I mean all about it. And she needs to tell her husband all about it. Don't be melodramatic about it. You have nothing to confess--as you say, you've done nothing wrong--but you need to be in communication about it.

I think that is the wrong thing to do - it can cause a lot of unneccessary heartache.

If you think you might really be tempted, and you'd really rather have a happy marriage, then break it off. If you know you won't be tempted, then it's your own conscience you have to answer to (as to whether the flirting may constitute "cheating" on some level).

There's a couple of women in my office I flirt with regularly, it's no big deal. My wife works in the same office, so having an affair would be pretty damn difficult without her figuring it out!

Blonddie · 10-20-2005, 06:06 AM

Switch places with your wife-- pretend she is having the same senario at her work with another man, and you have the ability to see everything she is doing. The things you say to this woman, she says to another man etc. How do you feel about? Does it upset you? Make you jealous? If you feel its inappropriate, then stop doing it. Just back off with the flirting etc with the other woman, and go to a normal working relationship. She'll get the hint too.

robot_parade · 10-20-2005, 06:17 PM

I guess an update is in order:

Actually, pretty boring from a 'story' point of view. The young lady and I are still 'buddies', but still flirting pretty outrageously. Still fun.

My wife is still 'mostly' ok with things - she's still a little wary, but willing to trust me. I haven't told her *all* the details, as some have suggested - I just don't think she needs to know for one thing, and for another, I can't imagine me going on about how much fun I had flirting with this chick, and exactly what we said, without my wife getting jealous.

Blonddie - that's an interesting question. Honestly, I don't think I would - however...as I hinted above, I think my wife *would* be jealous if she knew 'all the details'.

Do you guys think that is enough to make it wrong?

Cynthetiq · 10-21-2005, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robot_parade

Blonddie - that's an interesting question. Honestly, I don't think I would - however...as I hinted above, I think my wife *would* be jealous if she knew 'all the details'.

Do you guys think that is enough to make it wrong?

why ask a question that you already know the answer to???

I think my wife *would* be jealous if she knew 'all the details'.

isn't that enough of a red flag?

you either are honest or dishonest about your activities in my opinion. I try to be very upfront about all my activities with my wife. She has the opportunity to tell me to "Knock it off" if it's too much for her or makes her feel bad, but it's important that she gets to give feedback.

Marvelous Marv · 10-22-2005, 08:25 AM

I can see this is going to go on until it seriously bites you in the ass.

09-18-2005, 11:49 AM	#42 (permalink)
dman2 Insane Location: Georgia	Quit!!!! It will only lead to the inevitable. You will find yourself in another woman's bed with a great satisfaction that you made it there. But then what? Will you be able to go home to your wife? If she's cool with it, she is likely cheating too. Caution yourself while at work. Not only will you run into the problems mentioned above, you may lose your job. It won't happen gradually. Your boss will start compiling information on you in disguise. You'll walk into work one morning and walk right back out to your car jobless. I have seen it happen too often. I still think that your job is the least of you worries. Focus all your energy pursuing this other female on your wife. Didn't you do the same thing with your wife when you two met? It is a pursuit until you get married. It's what you do after you get married that determines how happy you are in your marriage. My question to you is: Do you want to stay married to your wife or do you want to be single and play this game with women for the rest of your single life? You can't realistically have it both ways and honestly be happy for long. Keep a balance. It is normal to flirt but once you get to the edge, don't cross it!!! __________________ I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. ~Marsha Doble

10-20-2005, 06:06 AM	#48 (permalink)
Blonddie Crazy Location: Southern California	Switch places with your wife-- pretend she is having the same senario at her work with another man, and you have the ability to see everything she is doing. The things you say to this woman, she says to another man etc. How do you feel about? Does it upset you? Make you jealous? If you feel its inappropriate, then stop doing it. Just back off with the flirting etc with the other woman, and go to a normal working relationship. She'll get the hint too. __________________ "There's one in every family...two in mine actually.."--- Zazu

10-22-2005, 08:25 AM	#51 (permalink)
Marvelous Marv Cunning Runt Location: Taking a mulligan	I can see this is going to go on until it seriously bites you in the ass. __________________ "The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money." Margaret Thatcher

09-19-2005, 04:56 AM	#43 (permalink)
Catdaddy33 Psycho Location: TN	The flip side of the coin, is dating/flirting in the office pool. Not sure about where you work, but I'm in a building with couple thousand people and the rumor mill runs rampant. Often I get informed that so and so are having an affair (not that I really care), cause of the behavior that you describe. More than likely it's not true, but if gives the illusion there are those that will run with it. That information could get to your wife or her husband. Hell, I found out that one of the teachers at my wife's school, her husband works for the same company I do... Now imagine if he mentions that this guy at work named John Smith is having an affair? Oh really, we have a Smith at school, I wonder if its his wife? Cover your ass..

10-02-2005, 04:26 PM	#45 (permalink)
catrinacamps Upright	I have been going through an office flirtation also and my advice....step back now!! It has gotten to be a very uncomfortable situation for me and I am not sure if I will be able to continue working with him. We never intended it to get further than just teasing and flirting, but have walked the edge now and it is not a good feeling. Neither of us feels good about the situation and are working hard at just avoiding each other right now. The worst thing about the whole thing is that he was probably my best friend for a long time and our spouses accept that we are great friends. Nothing further is going to become of our flirtation but I feel like I have cheated my husband just by developing feelings for this co-worker. It is easy to say you have boundaries, and I hope your situation ends without tears or divorce, but I would be careful,

10-19-2005, 11:18 PM	#46 (permalink)
Titan_Uranus Insane Location: South Africa	what you need to do is to stop your attempted fucking aroud and stay true to game, remember what goes around comes around.

10-20-2005, 06:17 PM	#49 (permalink)
robot_parade Junkie Location: San Antonio, TX	I guess an update is in order: Actually, pretty boring from a 'story' point of view. The young lady and I are still 'buddies', but still flirting pretty outrageously. Still fun. My wife is still 'mostly' ok with things - she's still a little wary, but willing to trust me. I haven't told her all the details, as some have suggested - I just don't think she needs to know for one thing, and for another, I can't imagine me going on about how much fun I had flirting with this chick, and exactly what we said, without my wife getting jealous. Blonddie - that's an interesting question. Honestly, I don't think I would - however...as I hinted above, I think my wife would be jealous if she knew 'all the details'. Do you guys think that is enough to make it wrong?