fhqwhgads

Let's call her Jane. Jane and I have been friends for a few years. I'm married, so it's strictly a friend relationship. Jane's a single mother, raising a 7 year old boy.
Over the years, Jane has become dependant on me. She's not very mechanically inclined, so she often calls on me to fix her mower, unclog a drain, hang shelves, etc. Whenever she calls on me, she knows that I'm there. I've come over in the middle of the night to watch her son when she had an emergency, meet her on the roadside to fix a flat, etc. I was raised by a single mom, so I know that it's tough for her. Plus, I think I like being depended on.

Here's the problem. She can't be depended on. It's mainly the small stuff. I know she'd be there for me in an emergency. However, it's the small stuff that gets to me. She tells me she'll call me, and she doesn't call. She says "Let's get together on Monday", but when Monday rolls around she's got doctor's appts, hair appts, work... She seems to want a relationship when it's convienient for her.

I want to confront her about it, but what do I say? I don't want to sound selfish. Do I open up and tell her how much she means to me and how much it hurts when she does this? I can't just walk away...we tried that once for about a year, and I thought about her constantly. I recently had a death in my family and she called, reconnecting our relationship. I want to have her in my life, but it hurts me to think that she doesn't make me as much as a priority as I make for her.

Thanx for reading this far...maybe it'll help just for me to get all this off my chest. I appreciate all the support TFP'ers have given others, and I thank you all in advance...

Leviathan[NCV]

A common reply around here is just to spell it out. Tell her exactly what you feel and wish to talk about. Best way to get it done.



- Leviathan

HeAtHeN

I agree with Leviathan. Get it out in the open.... honesty is ALWAYS the best way.

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HiThereDear

I think that's a bad choice. Look at it all a different way. I had a friend exactly like that, but I realized that it's not an indication of how much they care for you. Now that person is my oldest friend, yet still a flake.
However, making a big deal out of it may just make you feel overdramatic after you've gotten it out of your system.

Shades

As a person who is a flake, maybe I can offer the other side.

I am terrible at remembering people's names with their faces, much less dates. I had to write down my girlfriend's name because I couldn't remember it. I try very hard to write things down, but I don't remember. In general, I just have a hard time keeping things in line. Luckily my friends don't bust me on the minor crap, and I have in fact been there when it counted most (graduations, moving, and so on).

As long as your friend is good for what's important, why are you sweating the small things? If she said she would call and doesn't, what stopped you from phoning her? I gaurantee that the first thing she'd say is "Oh damn, I was supposed to call and forgot. Sorry." If you were having lunch on Monday and something came up, tell her you'll pick her up tomorrow. And phone her well in advance of picking her up. I mean, I'm just a graduate student. She's a single Mom, with all that going on in her life, what's amazing about her forgetting a single phone call? Not all of us are perfect. My advice- unless she has become an abusive or vampiric friend, just let it slide.

fhqwhgads

Shades- It's not missing a single phone call...it seems to be all the time. The past three times she said she'd call, she didn't, and all these occurred within the past week and a half. It doesn't seem like things come up suddenly (Friday she had a doc appt, hair appt, nail appt, etc.), it just seems like she makes plans with me without intending to follow through with them.

I guess what I'm concerned with is that I place her on a much higher priority in my life then I am in hers, and I don't like it. Sounds kinda selfish, 'eh?

mystmarimatt

Trust me, i've been there fhqwgads, the best idea is just like Leviathan says, lay it out in the open, and then the ball is in her court

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If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

gibber71

Maybe you should print off what you've written here and give a copy to your wife and see what she thinks. Maybe she can find a solution to your problem.

fhqwhgads

My wife and I have discussed it, and she too thinks I should talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure that's my best option, but I'm still not sure quite how to approach it...

ratbastid

Here's how to approach it. First, apologize for going around complaining about this to your wife, other mutual friends (I'm guessing), and hundreds of anonymous strangers on the web. Then tell her honestly how much it's bothering you and tell you how second-class it makes you feel. She'll wake up and at least apologize.

Don't expect immediate and overnight results. People with deeply ingrained organizational habits like this do NOT change them overnight. But if you can leave it in such a way that you can always say when a particular incident bothers you, you'll gradually retrain her.

fhqwhgads

You want me to apologize for asking for advice in the advice forum? I owe you an apology for "complaining"? Explain.

kingal

there's nothing worse than holding back the very thing that can lead to the distancing up of your friendship. Tell her where you're at. The best part is- structure your conversation ina way that does not blame her AND leaves her empowered, instead of blamed and bummed.

rogue49

just be honest, but be diplomatic.
good friends should know where they stand with each other.

suviko

I got a friend like that. I make less money, being a student and having only a part-time job while she has full-time job, yet she still awaits me to loan her money or pay for drinks or food sometimes when we go out. I have to ask to get the loaned money back and I hate doing that, it would be simpler if she could mention it herself when she has money. On pay day, she goes shopping and can buy a Dior mascara ($35) instead of non-brand stuff and then whines about not being able to come to movies with me cos she has no money.

Then, I met a bunch of cool, beautiful and shallow people who share a common intrests I am into and so is this friend: kinky parties. I took her with me and she had fun and started socially climbing in that group and enjoyed herself while I got annoyed with all the backstabbing and diva-thing going on. Then came the day when her ex-bf of many years had his bday party at the same day as the kink association had their party and she chose to go clubbing with new friends instead with the old ones. She called me to come with her to a party and I didn't. Since then I haven't gone to parties and she has by now gotten a bit fed up with it and is trying to get back to the old social circles.

She does the same sort of thing you mentioned: when I ask her to meet me, she can cancel it on a few hours notice and is generally speaking always late, but if I half-promise to her to come after I've said that I actually had something else planned, to her sauna party where's 50 other people, she calls me and cuddle-sulks that are you really not coming. She is kinda shy in the end and can be flirtatious and social, but doesn't open up easily for real and she is shallow, IMO. Then she wonders why she has not many real friends and has said she feels alone at times. I felt she'd just shut up and give a blank sad stare if I try to discuss this. I never did actually say it to her, but instead whined to other people when they came asking why aren't we best friends anymore. After her bf (who was a chauvinist pig, jealous and just generally annoying) hanged himself two years ago, she started trying to treat me better and be more humane to other people. I think she heard it throught the grape wine what I had told to people. Since that we've gotten along better and better and are going for a weekend trip - me, her and our bfs - together.

This is how it went for me. I dunno if it helps you much, but anyways. Looking back, I think she could have handled hearing it straight but she had to realize she's driving people away herself and doing shit stuff for them while expecting to be treated like a princess. You say your friend is a single mom. Are you a nice guy and she's usually into "bad boys"? If yes, she knows she's exploiting you. If not, she might think you are a sort of ideal man prototype and doesn't see you are a real person. Nobody wants to be around person who is just taking and not giving anything. You are not being selfish here. Do an exam: when she calls for something that isn't a life threatening crisis, tell her you do it next week. Then don't call her. She'll call you and ask about it. Make excuses not go there and one most likely she will ask why the hell are you like that or if she is aware of her abusive behaviour she and ashamd of it just stop calling. When she is upset with your behaviour, does she complain? Wait till she starts. Then she can't escape when you quite calmly say that the feeling is mutual and have a looooong chat.

Frowning Budah

If she is a true friend then she has qualities you like and qualities you don't. In friends and lovers you have to over look the one you don't. Sorry gang but even if he levels with her, chances are she isn't going to change.

rockzilla

You should figure out how high to place your expectations of people. Case in point : my two best friends are quite the flakes. I've known friend A for about 20 years (all three of us are about 25) Since graduating high school about 6 years ago, friend A has dropped out of graphic design at college because it was too hard (from what I hear it is pretty demanding, but I digress) been unemployed for about 4 1/2 of the past 6 years, has turned down jobs that don't pay well enough, or he just didn't like, and yet doesn't seem to want to go back to school. Needless to say he rarely has money, and when he does he spends it all on electronic gadgets for himself.
I've known friend B for about 10 years, and since high school, has almost completed an English major at university and has taken a few screen writing courses at community college with the goal of writing for tv comedies or cartoons. He always has numerous projects runing at once that never seem to get off the ground. He sings in a small time local band, but also has trouble keeping a steady job and rarely has money, he however, insists on contributing as much as he can when possible.

As for me, I'm not exactly Mr. Moneybags (especially now that I'm on short term disability) but I know that when we all get together, I'll probably be the only one with cigarettes or money (all three of us smoke, friend B buys cigarettes when he can, friend A, never)

Anyways, long story short, at least friend B tries, and I'm always more willing to pay friend B's way at the bar or what have you, knowing that he'd do the same for me. Friend A however has pretty much tried the limit of my patience and generosity and I'm beginning to tell him in less and less subtle ways to clean his act up or else. So what I'm trying to say is, some people are leeches and just don't try to improve themselves, and some just aren't that reliable no matter how hard they try. Figure out which one your friend is, and decide how much you're willing to give in the friendship and how much you want back in exchange.

fhqwhgads

I really appreciate all the advice everyone. I'm glad to read that I'm not alone in this situation. I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and talk to her seriously about this yet, but things have actually been decent between us. We haven't spent a lot of time together, but she'll just call out of the blue with nothing to say, just because she feels like talking to me. I take that as a good sign. Thanx again everyone, and when I talk to her I'll let you know how it all goes.

Sparhawk

Seems to me like you've got a serial user friend on your hands there. In other words, the type of friend that always calls you when they are in a crutch, and are never really there for you. If you like this person, please call them on their behavior, they probably don't even realize it. If you don't like this person, don't pick up the phone when she calls about her storm drain/sink/dry wall/garden. Very simple

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