Stiltzkin

I'm one of them people who used to think that being outgoing was equivalent to acting stupid. I always felt that those who were outgoing were people of lesser intelligence and were probably gonna end up jobless, pregnant, in jail, or just poor, after highschool. Because of this I refused to "lower" myself to the level of being an outgoing person. This is not really my fault though, because most of the family on my dad's side believe that outgoing=stupid and that you should concentrate all of your life's efforts on improving your intelligence. There's a lot of engineers in my family (yes, this is relevant). Well once I hit college I met tons of people who are actually smarter than me and who were outgoing, so I was shown the light in a sense.
Well anyway, I've pretty much shucked off the beliefs given to me by my family and I've started exploring social situations a whole lot more than I ever have in my life.
I've also found that being forced to read and write about <u>The Electric Acid Kool-Aid Test</u> and <u>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</u> has helped me, because I find Ken Kesey to be such an inspiration

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The most important thing in this world is love.

raeanna74

I had some trouble with something like this after I broke up with my abusive boyfriend. I even ended up getting sick to my stomach any time my family went to visit anyone, or to church, or anything where people normally get into conversations. I remember spending almost the whole evening in the bathroom at one family friends house with diarrea and nausea SIMPLY because we were at their house. Within minutes or maybe an hour of leaving, I was fine. What helped me is just forcing myself to go to the situations that upset me like that. Mostly starting with smaller groups that didn't upset me as much. Eventually I got over the fear. My situation was triggered by something that had recently happened so may not relate as much to yours. I do understand the overwhelming feelings and the lack of ability to really reason them away. My Grandma was a good advisor and confidant during that time. Find yourself a friend who can give you the moral support that you need.

WebMD
Tips To Help You Get Started

* Identify sources of stress: Try keeping a journal and note stressful as well as positive events.
* Restructure priorities: Emphasize positive, effective behavior.
* Make time for recreational and pleasurable activities.
* Communicate: Explain and assert your needs to someone you trust; write in a journal to express your feelings.
* Try to focus on positive outcomes and finding methods for reducing and managing stress.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Carno

I think most people have some degree of social anxiety.

I used to be super shy around people I didn't know, but at the end of my freshman year of high school I realized that I had only a few friends in my entire school. I then made a conscious effort to be more friendly and outgoing, and even though most people thought I was kinda wierd all throughout my sophpomore year, I was a lot better by my junior and senior years. I pretty much realized that I'm only going to go through this once, so I might as well try to get as many friends as I can in the time I have.

Now that I've ben through two years of college, I just don't give a fuck and I act however I want. I still get kinda nervous when I go to a party where I don't know anyone, but once I get a few drinks in me I have the courage to put myself out there.

Suave

I used to. Went to counselling for it and everything. Kinda helped but not really. Started meditating, combined with just making an effort to talk to people (even if I wasn't particularly interested in doing so), and it is now pretty much gone on some days.

Sbudda

I used to have this problem around everyone, now my problem is just with my wife's friends. The solution to this seems to be the solution I fould when I recognized that my problem happened mostly around women. That solution turned out to be actually realizing that I was a pretty damn great guy, and if they don't see it, so be it. when they say tht women are attracted to confidance, it isn't a joke. After I fnally got over worried about being rejected, I wasn't rejected anymore.

I'm sure finishing puberty helped matters a bit too.

Now my only problem is with mingling in a crowd, but I'm working on that too. I've found the best way for me to get over that is to hang around with outgoing people who I'm comfortable with. Surely you know one or two people who can strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere. Hang out with them a few times, just to learn how they strike up the conversations, and you'll feel much better. Seems the only think that keeps me from doing it, is actually doing it. Again, it seems to all stem from confidence.

That and beer. As much as I hate being the center of attention, b33r makes me want to try out for American Idol (if I were young enough).

Zeraph

This being an internet forum I think half the people probably have it

But ya I can get it too, I think a lot of people get it though, or alcohol wouldn't be so popular. I've found doing a bunch of small things like just saying Hi to passing strangers (when I go hiking) can help.

Edit: Oh I forgot to add this great quote. "I get very tense around apples... Well, I get very tense generally. I think I’ve fallen into the trap of blaming fruit."

portereight

I really don't like to make small talk at parties and similar gatherings. You know the kind of chatter that neither of the parties really cares about. I can never find anything to say. I just end up the quiet husband behind and to the right of the social butterfly wife. I guess what would help is having some sort of common ground. I don't mind talking to strangers when I feel both of us are vaguely interested it the conversation.
That said, I honestly dread the thought of having to go to Christmas parties with my wife. I would rather skip the whole holiday. Do other people actually enjoy these things?

Grasshopper Green

I definitely have this. I've become better over the years, I think because I've had jobs with the public that force me to interact with people, but because I make myself do things that I don't want to. I've noticed a lot of people say they don't like pills...but they definitely help me with this. I actually started taking them for depression but they've helped me in this area as well.

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Catmandu

I go out of my way to avoid social situations. Sometimes I come back from work meetings and have to change my shirt because I've pitted it out with sweat and stink. Conversations with me always end up with uncomfortable silences. I have always envied those guys who could talk to anyone about anything. My daughter and I went to a store one day, and for some odd reason I struck up a chat with another person in line. When we got to the car, my kid told me she was amazed by what I had done. I do not want her to be like me.

777

Yeah, I have this too. And I work with people (mall job). People persons don't seem to understand shy people. I leave early from the company party and I got the cold shoulder for 2 months from 80% of the people I chat with. I didn't ditch the party because I can't stand them, but because I couldn't stand myself (being there).

But the worst part is this one gal I have/had a crush on. I'm fine if it's just the two of us chatting, but as soon as I'm out numbered, I'd run for cover or just clam up. I wonder if any one else has noticed.

For some reason, I better at chatting with strangers than with co-workers.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

irseg

Reminds me of a conversation after leaving a party..

Friend: "How come you never talk to anybody?"

Me: "Dunno, there wasn't really anybody worth talking to. They all seemed pretty dumb and uninteresting."

Friend: "Yeah you say that, but actually you would like to talk to them, except you have a lack of confidence in social situations so you get nervous and clam up."

Me: ".....yep."

It's really a combination of the two.

I hate making small talk. Yeah Sherlock you're right, it HAS been raining a lot lately. I don't follow sports, but hey, it's cool that your team won, way to go. Yes, it sucks that those ex-Pantera guys got shot. blah blah blah blah fucking blah...

Since I don't really want to socialize or know how to deal with that kind of stuff, it makes me less confident in those situations, so I tend to avoid them. Interacting with other people who I don't know well is a very draining experience for me, after a few minutes I just want to get out of there and spend some time alone.

I have gotten somewhat better from being forced to interact with people in my job, and from friends who would drag me out of the house periodically. Also, I know people who have almost no friends, and put off going to the supermarket or even having pizza delivered because that means dealing with other people. That inspires me to be somewhat more outgoing since being *that* sheltered would be pretty depressing.

timalkin

I wouldn't say that I have social anxiety. I just don't give a shit about socializing. Like irseg, I hate small talk and don't really understand what purpose it serves.

Something that really helped me gain more understanding of my personality is taking the personality tests like http://www.keirsey.com/

I came out as being INTJ. It's amazing how accurate the descriptions are, at least in my case. At least I know I'm not alone in the world if somebody else can get the same test results that I did.

I don't really have any advice for people like us. Just force yourself to go out and do shit with people every once in a while. It sucks, but you'd probably find that you don't have many friends if you didn't participate in their bullshit every now and then.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

darkangel

What would happen if all of us gathered in a room? hehe. But yes, I've got it too. And it basically ruined my life. Flunked/dropped out of college last year because it was all too much, and now I'm unemployed because I'm too chicken shit to find a real job. (My last job I grit my teeth through, but now I have to get a "big girl" job.)

I have that weird speech thing too, where I know what I want to say, but my mouth does a "porky pig" and because of that I stay away from the phone because then I might just come off as a blubbering idiot. The only places I feel okay going are stores, and even in there I think that every guy in the place thinks I'm ugly and all of that.

One of my sort of friends invited me to go to the bar with her boyfriend and her this Friday and I couldn't say no because then I would just sound boring and mean to turn down an invitation when I haven't seen her for 2 months.

What's weird is I have an outgoing comedic personality, but I just don't feel comfortable sharing that for some reason. I think evil High School kids back in the day killed the laughter.

ixion

Social anxiety here too. I've considering taking something for it in the past, but the idea of messing with my brain chemistry scared me so I didn't. These days it doesn't really bother me, I just do my own thing most of the time.

I feel kinda the same, I have kind of a quirky, weird sense of humour that I'll only bring out if I feel somebody is as odd as I am. Once I get to know someone well we usually have a blast together.

I don't like watching TV, I can't stand it, it's too fake. I think this contributes to my SA somehow.

Catmandu

This is one of the reasons I like boards like this. I actually have time to compose a coherent thought. It's amazing how my mind tends to go blank when I'm put on the spot. My boss is not real happy about that. She wants me to be able to sit in a room of 20 people and give snappy answers to point blank questions. Well, it ain't gonna happen. I've become the master of "I'll get back to you on that."

777

I remember the group interview I was in last year. I'm fine with one or no more than four people, but a crowded room full of strangers and 4 managers, ouch. I came out sounding rude. Luckily, it was the Christmas season and they hired everyone in the room.

Thanks to retail, I can walk up to people and start a conversation, but I still have trouble with co-workers. Just wasn't born with the "chit-chat" gene. And they think I don't like them when I'm quiet. It's not that I don't have anything to say to Them, I just have Nothing to say.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Stompy

I have social anxiety issues.

It doesn't help when you sit there and think, "people are talkin shit about me.."

It's even worse when it's true!

__________________
I love lamp.

Schwan

I have it. Very much so.

The funny part is that I ended up with a BA in sociology and I'm doing a MA in mass communication. I've also landed a job at the main desk of a huge company, with dozens of people wanting something all the time, and numerous rude folks on the phone. Then, for a while, I worked at a newspaper as a reporter. Both of these jobs were horrible, and each day I went to work mortified, and ended up exhausted when I came back home. And yet, somehow, I was good at it. I quit those jobs anyhow, and did some freelance PR stuff. Now I'm looking to get into the corporate environment, and I'm really looking forward to doing away with all this shyness crap. It's extremely hard for me, let me tell you. But I'm getting there. I’ve only realized a few days ago that I ended up doing the thing that always scared me the most – talking to people you don’t know.

Well, fine. I could have ended up as a science teacher. I was terrified of that in school, so I guess it could’ve been worse.

Jesus Pimp

Anyone here get frustrated when you try to be social but no one responds or cares about you trying to be social? I just don't get it sometimes.

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Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

Jakes

no sir you are a what i like to call a professional

Lewis Black

yea i have this problem to and i am very shy around new people or figures of authority (boss, police, people i suits) I am from a big family 50 aunts, uncles, cousins, i can talk to them one to one or in small groups fine but when they all have my attention i freak. last christmas we were praying the rosery and it was my turn and i had a panic attack and had to leave the room and let someone else finish. anyways thats me!!!!!!

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.
Dean Martin

I like my jeep to be like my girl, topless and dirty.
me i guess

Dragonlich

I do indeed have a case of social anxiety. Actually, it's not that much of a problem because I hardly ever go out... (yes, that's bad)

My background:
- I have only a few (3 or 4) friends, and I only see them once every two weeks at most.
- I go shopping once or twice a week. Apart from work, and friends, those are the only times I go out. I spend most of my time at home, alone. I'm basically a hermit...
- Even if I wanted to get out - where the hell would I go? Where does everyone else go? What do other people do with their free time?
- I know for a fact that I'm a nice guy (everyone I know says so), and I even accept that I'm not ugly (that took me quite a while, though. high school bullying sucks).
- I don't feel comfortable talking "socially" to strangers. I wouldn't even know what to talk about in the first place.
- It goes without saying that social/romantic encounters with women aren't happening. After all, where to begin? How to begin? What if she's not single? What if she's not interested? What if the sky falls down, etc... The few semi-romantic encounters I had with women (two) were initiated by them, not me; they also didn't go anywhere romantic.
- At parties, if by some chance I *have* to be there, I'm the one standing in the corner waiting for people to talk to me. Something as advanced as dancing is a definite no-no; I'm afraid I'd look like a fool.
- I have worked as a computer lab assistant for four years, and have been in sales for 18 months - both jobs involved lots of talking. I had no problems there, but I knew exactly what the discussion was about, and what I needed to say. In fact, during the latter job, I was pretty much always the one going to the customer, starting the conversation, etc.
- The few times I had a hard time at work were during high-emotion episodes; trying to reason with an angry client, dealing with annoying co-worker, etc. I'll get *really* nervous, occasionally my legs start shaking, I sweat like a pig, and I really have a hard time talking *and* thinking at the same time. I also tend to remain angry for a loooong time afterwards; I have trouble letting go of that anger.
- Telephones are bad. I *really* don't like calling people. This probably goes back to my childhood, with the endless "what if I dial the wrong number" problem...
- In general, dealing with humans tends to be kinda hard. I'm a typical geek, and expect people to make sense... I also expect them to talk rationally, and to mean what they say. I'm pretty much oblivious to non-verbal communication. (Another problem with women...)

(About non-verbal comms: I just read a book about body language, and it had pages upon pages about something as simple as "shaking hands". Apparently, people use that to convey their social standing. If your hand is on top, you're supposed to be superior... WTF? Are humans truly that silly??? Why didn't anyone tell ME about that?)

Yep, I'm bad... On the other hand, I am getting better. Talking 9 to 5 tends to force you to become more social. Growing (a bit) older also helps; I learn something new every day.

Aladdin Sane

Yep, I'm in this miserable club.
I think I have it worse when I'm going to see friends I haven't seen in a while. I go to the Netherlands every 2 or 3 years. Usually someone has a party so I can see all my Dutch friends and they can see me. At those gatherings I feel that everyone wants to talk to me, so I'm kinda the center of attention. I feel really nervous at these parties. I do better in a room full of people i don't know, I think. Or maybe not. I'm also a very decisive individual.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Stiltzkin

Tremendous social anxiety when it comes to one on one conversations with people I don't know, or with women. Especially with women; I practically break down and die.

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The most important thing in this world is love.

hunnychile

This is truly one of the most helpful & interesting posts I've seen here in a long time. The beauty in it is that once you admit that you have a phobia as such, you are well on your way to conquering this personality habit. It will be interesting to see who decides to conquer this first. It only takes one time.

And then you are empowered.

Anyone afraid of that?

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Jesus Pimp

Hunnychile,
I'm attempting to conquer it day by day but it's tough when some people don't take you seriously.

__________________
Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

Catmandu

I try to get past this because I don't want my daughter to end up the same way. It may already be too late. She's a pretty quiet kid. The biggest drawback to my attempts to be talkative is that I overanalyze everything that comes out of my mouth. The majority of the time I am telling myself that I've said stupid stuff that makes me look like an idiot. I then spend days worrying about it.

Dragonlich

Today was one of those weird episodes for me... I went to a job interview, said hi to people there I didn't know (even joked to the secretary), had a pleasant conversation with the representative, without me being really very nervous, and chatted with an intern when he gave me a lift to the train station...

In short: not a sign of the usual social problems today. Go me.

(Oh, and I can come back in a week for a second interview. A very good sign indeed.)

hunnychile

This is good news indeed! Seriously, There are probably people there who would absolutely love to have you join the team and be a new friend. No fear!! Bravo for You! Keep us posted.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

hunnychile

Dear Jesus,
Perhaps you just need to relax & take it all "a bit less" seriously. That is a very effective way to disarm those who seem too intense. Day by day is the only way. I've been there, too. You Are moving forward into a place of comfort and well-being. Really. Fear not. Remember, it's all a silly game.

Best wishes,
Hunnychile

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Dragonlich

Okay, just had the second interview... It was probably one of the weirdest interviews I've *ever* been to.

12:25, I arrive, the secretary directs me to a room, where I get something to drink; someone will come over shortly.
12:30, my interview should start.
12:40, an older man (60-ish) with a dog (!) walks past the office, and asks me to follow him. That's the head and owner of the company...

We talk about my resume, and he notices my (Jewish) name. We go into a 10-minute discussion about my Jewish roots, Jewish customs, and Jewish history and such. Then we go into my education and job history. He asks me what I earned in previous jobs, and how much I'd like to earn now.

...and then he suddenly asks "can you start tomorrow?"

So I'm hired, and have to be there at 9:00 tomorrow morning. WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!

(I do have to get a drivers licence ASAP. And I MEAN asap! I don't have one yet, and it will become a big problem in this job.)

After that it's mostly a blur... going to the administration to get a contract printed, going my new department for a meet-and-greet, and then I'm out again... still thinking "WTF just happened????"

hunnychile

Congratulations...this is great good news!! You will be fine and after the first days you will feel fine and it will get easier. Those first days are freaky and hard because you are the "new guy"... I am So pleased for you. Find the people who smile & enjoy this company. Don't worry about pretending about a "personna". Be yourself. Obviously you are the man for the job. Remember not to listen to all the weird stories or make snap judgements about your co-workers, that never helps. Do your job the best you can. Ask a lot of questions - new people do that. Take it step by step.

If you stay open minded - you'll do well. Again, Bravo for YOU !!!!

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Dilbert1234567

I hear you, I can debate the rest of my class (I like to argue) but as soon as it’s a social event I string together sentences that would make an English teacher cringe in horror, not to mention half of the room.

\shy

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

hunnychile

Dear Dil, Shy can be extremely sexy.

Work it. What have you got to loose?

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

pinoychink790

i'm not shy at all, but i don't talk much. is that weird?

omega2K4

I do. I was on some pills for a while, stopped taking those and went through withdrawals, now I don't take anything (that's prescribed for it). If I'm going to a party or something, I'll have a couple shots of [insert liquor here] before I go out or take a few hydrocodone to loosen up and improve my mood a bit.

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"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."- Karl Marx

WriterZero

Me.

And yeah, I've read about the medication for it, but I hate medication. I don't even like taking aspirin. I'm shy, but it's also more than that in that I do actually feel anxious among people I don't know. Makes it difficult for me to meet new people in situations where I'm not closely involved with people over time (work, school, dorm life).

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